[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

Hilarious! I was thinking a lot of the same things when I visited my doctor. She wanted me to come back for a follow up three months later and I kept insisting it wasn't necessary (now that adderall was out of the picture)...

Ever since Mike's brilliant article, I have entered a growth period in my recovery. I've been spending time trying to break all these old psychological habits, assumptions, and brain associations created by the adderall and create new healthy habits in my new brain. I know it has taken a while for me to adjust, but I think I'm finally beginning to regain my productivity levels (I really want to emphasize the word "beginning"...). That is really major for me. I have to wait and see how it pans out... Mike's article helped me begin to recognize where I was going wrong. Couldn't deal with it when I hadn't even recognized it. Since then, Its been taking a lot of work to change the way I think.

I understand now in what ways the brain works differently then during those adderall infested days. In the beginning of my recovery process, I was sitting and waiting around for motivation to come back to me, so I could getting working again just like before. Now I understand that is just not how it's going to work anymore.

I can still be motivated, efficient and productive but I have to work at it. It's just that motivation occurs to me entirely different now. I no longer will feel inspired to do something (which had pretty much everything) and then go forward and do it with passion. I no longer have a million ideas and do exciting things on a whim. I have to think about what I need to do and plan out what I'm going to do, then force myself to do something about it, even if it feels uncomfortable, causes tension, fear or anxiety or whatever and then I start to feel motivated once I get into it. Learning to self start without a crutch is crucial for me in recovering.

Since I'd been on high dosages of stimulants almost every single day for so many years. I'd pretty much forgotten how the normal brain is supposed to work. I feel in touch once again with how normal people feel on a day to day basis. I cannot go non-stop on anything that requires concentration for hours and hours and then pop a pill and continue onwards for more hours. I need to take periodic breaks and then start again. As Mike had mentioned, I need to continuously recreate motivation.

I believe I can still do the things one would considered productive, like taking up new hobbies or cleaning out the basement, or setting up a filing system or learning some new software like photoshop, etc...I can still try to live a productive life...just everything will have to happen in a different way from now on. I don't know if that makes any sense. I'm still trying to figure this all out.

Also, I'm obsessed with better understanding and breaking the whole psychological dependency component of taking adderall from all those years, relying on it as a crutch. Aside from being physically addicted, Was I taking it because I doubted myself all the time, and it made me feel confident? Perhaps that's what I need to be dealing with.

Also, my attitude toward my withdrawal discomfort is totally different now. I still experience the tension and discomfort but I try to just totally ignore. It's just something in the background that I experience. I try not to allow it to affect my emotional state. Letting it get to me, will not help any.

By the way, I just wanted to note I've been taking two supplements which (I think) have been helping. Both are amino acids that help generate dopamine in the brain. You can get them in the vitamin shoppe.

1) DL-Phenylalanine

and

2) L-Tyrosine (which I recall both of us were taking in the beginning when we quit)

The DL-Phenylalanine was something I hadn't known about, but my mom had discovered it. I'm also taking Vitamin B Complex which I read also helps with dopamine among other things

[Wow - This is the Place for Me!]

No longer manic, random thoughts flying everywhere, making a zillion connections from idea to idea...

Hi, this made me laugh. You think back and go....'DID I REALLY ACT LIKE THAT?" WAS THAT ME?

I seriously was emailing my boss at like 3am and telling him ALL the AMAZING IDEAS i had, and I called my work my EMPIRE, that i was going to take over, and build this massive clientele. I am a massage therapist and work for a very well known health club attached to the best HealthCare in my state. I was serious, i had a GAZILLION ideas just POURING out!!!

I am adderall free for 17 days now. It has been hell! I say this must be what solitary confinement feels like for prisoners cause thats what it felt like the first few days. OH GOSH!! JUST HELL!!! Just getting out of my bed was a chore and going to the bathroom. It was crazy, i have a LONG way to go, but i know i will make it, i failed a few times at trying to quit but i know it WAS TIME!

PARANOID

stopped calling friends,

thought everyone could tell

my home was the only safe place

on my computer for 7-8 hours trying to do GOD KNOWS WHAT, fix something or the other.

researching as many possible things i could online.

a 711 donut for breakfast with a cold starbucks coffee in the bottle

and dinner was usually something SOUP related like CUP-o-SOUP, and my dinner was usually at 6am. and breakfast was around 1pm or 2pm.

thats what my diet consisted of

FORCING YOURSELF TO EAT INFRONT OF OTHERS, telling them how starving you are. (knowing that you are not)

even if you tried to eat, you could forget about even enjoying it! The taste was gone.

REALIZING YOU ARE BRILLIANT.. cause you have these ideas. But now i feel like i REALLY am smart, smarter than adderall ever gave me.

Umm, my apartment was a filthy mess, did not care about dishes or laundry all over. Woke up and hopped on the computer. WAY WAY WAY OVERLY SENSITIVE WHEN I WAS DATING!! OF course none of my relationships lasted during my use and abuse.

It goes on and on.. each time you get past a craving, you feel even BETTER. EMPOWERED!! The worst part still for me is waking up! Or just get moving. I make sure i have all of my amino acids ready and my whey protein and my boiled eggs and my wellbutrin. I bought a box of those little ginko nasty things. Then i drink coffee. So, i get going. My energy kicks in at night. It was weird, just the other night i was dosing off at my computer at about midnight. I could hardly stay awake, so i got in bed! WHAT AN AMAZING FEELING THAT WAS!! TO ACTUALLY DOSE OFF TO SLEEP!!!!

ANyway, this is the place for me too!!!