[Losing my resolve]

Janie,

I feel for you. The first couple of weeks are the WORST. I don't know how you have a bottle of Ritalin and adderall without taking it. You must have more willpower - That would be impossible for me.

Things do get easier, but I still have major insecurities - I think the Adderall made me feal smarter at work.

How did you feel on the first day of work after quitting Adderall? I felt like I had this special power that was taken away from me- Felt very self-critical and vulnerable

[Losing my resolve]

Evie, I am only 4 days clean and coming off of it is one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I don't know if I have anything to help you other than to do exactly what bluemoon said and flush that stuff and don't look back. I've still got a bottle of Adderall and Ritalin. Think I will do just what blue moon said myself. I hope you can come off again.

I didn't realize how difficult it would be until the very first day I went without it and it was a true nightmare. The days are getting a little better but I know I have a long way to go. We all have to find that strength within ourselves to get past the pill and what we thought it did for us. I had no idea how much I was dependent on it until my first day at work. It was very hard. I need to find my self worth again too!

Hang in there!

Janie

[Losing my resolve]

Evie,

It's just a flat tire. Dump the pills, fix your flat, and get back on the road!! You still have 6 months! One slip does not take all that hard earned recovery away. If you get off now it will be all that much easier to keep going. If you keep taking them it's only going to make it that much harder to quit.

Come on girl! You got this!

Thank you - this perspective helps so much. It's a slip up, doesn't undo all if he work I put into quitting. I just got rid of them an hour ago. It was 3 days I was on them. I'll learn from it and move on. So scary how I seem to succumb to the addiction once it's in my possession and keep thinking about it nonstop and then taking massive amounts. And it didn't even make me feel good about focusing .. Felt like it was a mask soothing my insecurities about my intelligence level.

[Losing my resolve]

I just relapsed again. I was off it for six months and I thought things would get better as far as my personal life. However, I still had problems with my boyfriend and family and since my relationships didn't improve off it, I lost my resolve. I thought once I returned to my more laid back, humorous self, at least that part of my life would improve. Continued to feel slow and stupid at work and was extremely bored with life. Nothing interested me. 

 

So, I figured what would a few days on it hurt? I would get a lot done at work and things were already doomed with my boyfriend, so I wouldn't be destroying that. 

 

It's day 3 and I've already taken 80 mg today. I think I will flush them. I feel so disappointed in myself and exhausted.

[Losing my resolve]

I'm finding myself in your exact situation/state of mind right now. I've officially hit yet another breaking point. It's winter here on the east coast, and cold though not as cold as usual for January, and I have officially entered the hibernation mode of where I am ALWAYS so damn tired and feel so unmotivated to do things. I miss this stuff so much and those bursts of crazy energy and focus that all I want to do is call up my old doctor and ask for a prescription. It also doesn't help that my Adderall use was so tied in with my own insecurities about my body and weight, and that I'm gaining weight and missing my old slim figure. The other day, I saw an advertisement for binge eating disorder, and the prescribed cure for it was vyanse, the cousin to Adderall.. What is wrong with this world?

Anyway I just had to rant. It's comforting to see others on this forum going through the exact same thing as me.

 

Gosh, I could have written what you just wrote, it's so similar to how I feel. I'm in the Midwest, but it's also bitter cold and gloomy. I feel so tired, jaded and unmotivated to do things that don't catch my interest (and very little catches my interest these days). I miss the crazy bursts of energy and focus badly. But, I also remember the comedowns and how paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin I became. And how difficult it was to have a sense of humor and be lighthearted. The negative aspect of the adderall was so ugly. I also am very weight conscious and think part of the reason I liked taking it so much was that it was effortless to be thin. 

 

I will say, as time progresses, it does get easier. But I think it'll be a while longer before I stop wishing I had addy everytime I feel slow or stupid and incapable of being productive. 

 

Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing others are in the same boat. 

[Losing my resolve]

It took me a year before I stopped wanting it so much as well.  The addictive desire for it will weaken the longer you are off of it. If you take it again, the addictive desire will only be reinforced and grow stronger.

 

Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done?  What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?  I was actually so intrigued by this statement I went digging around on the internet to see what I could find and I ended up finding some great stuff for myself, lol.

 

The main points I took away from everything I found is that basically chasing after our self worth in accomplishments and external crap is really not much of a solid way to deepen and establish that genuine feeling of utter acceptance and love for ourselves.  It's all very fleeting as we are going to end up succeeding and failing many times in our lives and that is just part of being human.  

 

I really liked this little blog I found.

 

 

What is your most valuable asset?

You have something of great worth and it is so rare that it’s not shared by anyone else on the planet. Do you know what that is? You are a one of a kind, totally unique individual. You are you, and that alone gives you personal value and self-worth.

Take some time to appreciate who you really are, aside from all the trappings and outside opinions. Make a list of things you like about yourself and then read it out loud so it can resonate in your consciousness. Think about all the ways you have contributed to the lives of those around you. Now, give yourself some well deserved approval. It’s time to celebrate you!

 

Ok, so yeah, maybe that is pretty cheesy, but it's true!  We are all unique individuals and everyone has something that is absolutely authentic and special to them.  Take the time to appreciate all that is awesome about yourself and keep working to be the best you that you can be. 

 

Also, this is a good article.  http://www.psychalive.org/self-worth/

 

Check out this part of this article.  I think this is spot on when it comes to the our adderall addiction. 

Furthermore, studies now show that basing one’s self-worth on external factors is actually harmful to one’s mental health. One study at the University of Michigan found that college students who base their self-worth on external sources (including academic performance, appearance and approval from others) reported more stress, anger, academic problems and relationship conflicts. They also had higher levels of alcohol and drug use, as well as more symptoms of eating disorders. The same study found that students who based their self-worth on internal sources, not only felt better, they also received higher grades and were less likely to use drugs and alcohol or to develop eating disorders.

 

I'm really glad you brought this up.  Reading a bunch of stuff on this topic has really helped me tonight and given me some clarity as far as developing my goals for the new year.  

 

Anyhow, please don't worry too much about your urges and cravings as these are all totally normal.  They will dissipate the longer you are clean.  Keep focusing on all of the benefits you have enjoyed from being off this drug and remember how good it feels to be living your life again on your own accord without the use/abuse of stimulants.  Try and define your self worth in a broader array of terms in things that are more based on your character, integrity, generosity to others, and being a person of substance etc., rather than all the external crap our competitive society brainwashes us to believe.  I think you'll feel better.    I know I do so thank you for reaching out!  

<3 LT

 

Thank you for this very helpful response! 

 

"Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done?  What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?"

 

I found your above statement very interesting, because for most of my life, I've put so much emphasis on how hard I work and being disciplined that if I'm not working hard, I start to think very lowly of myself. I don't think I've ever considered that there are alternative ways to define my self-worth then my accomplishments. 

 

I'm reading a bit more on this including the links you provided and will have to think over this a bit and reexamine my thought process. 

[Losing my resolve]

The loss of productivity and work ethic were brutal for me as well. I did the bare minimum at work for the first year. It took several years for my work ethic and motivation to completely bounce back, but now it's better than ever. You have to give it time - rebuilding habits are slow and painstaking. You can't force motivation, you just have to trust that if you had it before drugs, you will have it again someday. No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them. If you persevere, you'll be so proud of yourself and relieved in a couple years.

Thanks, it helped hearing that you did the bare minimum at work for the first year. I am getting impatient, but have to keep reminding myself that it takes time.

 

"No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them"  

 

Found this statement very helpful, because right now I become very emotional and self-critical about completing tasks, but if I learn to become more detached about doing them, I think they will become more bearable. 

[Losing my resolve]

Yes, I believe you should be very concerned about your desire to relapse six months after quitting.  Missing the Adderall and thinking about it obsessively is normal.  Having fantasies about taking just a few pills to get you through the day is very dangerous.  If you want to stay quit, you must not allow those thoughts to take hold.  It took about a year before the obsessive thoughts subsided for me.  But my obsessive thoughts just hardened my resolve to never use it again, because (by the time I quit) Adderall failed to do anything positive for my life and the side affects were horrible.  It simply stopped working and worked against me in every way.

 

I have one big question for you.  If you think you liked yourself better on Adderall, why have you tried to quit multiple times? 

 

Good question. I guess I'm confused. I liked the way I worked better on Adderall, which made me more confident (even though maybe it was a false confidence). However, I disliked my personality in that I was so humorless and ill tempered. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that getting more done at work was not worth losing friends or relationships over. 

 

Maybe I should keep reminding myself of that. 

[Losing my resolve]

It's been roughly six months since I quit adderall (wasn't the first time I quit). Still, after all this time, I find myself missing the addy and thinking about it, almost daily. I was prescribed 30 mg, but was taking over 80 mg a day. Eventually, the same thing happened that has always happened when I've taken it over a long period of time. I became incredibly irritable, didn't sleep, obsessed endlessly over minor things and lost my sense of humor.

 

Right now, I will say that my interpersonal relationships have improved greatly. However, I'm extremely unmotivated at work. Things are slow now, but I find myself getting little done, and then beating myself up for my lack of productivity. 

 

I know everyone else likes me better off the adderall (have heard from numerous people). However, I can't say I like myself better. Getting things done and being productive determines my self worth, and it's hard to like myself when I'm disinterested in the mundane tasks that are needed to be completed at work.

 

Should I be concerned that after this amount of time, I'm still missing the adderall, dreaming about it, and wishing I had just a few to get me through the work day?

 

 

[Here I am...again]

I feel initially I am, but that could be more in my head than reality. Like you, ultimately I find that I spend copious amounts of time on tasks that don't really matter, obsessing over minute details. I also find that I take forever to get things done, because I'm so intent on producing something "perfect." 

 

Totally agree with you about the useless busy work.

[8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse]

100% true. I'm back at stage 6. Hopefully for the last time.

[Here I am...again]

So after all the energy invested in quitting this hellish drug, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad and that I'm more productive at work with it. I was doing so well, 8 months off it. Yet I kept thinking back to the mental clarity I initially felt on it.

 

Of course, several months later, here I am again. Tweaked out, overly intense, paranoid. Ruining relationships with others, lost and uncertain of who I am.

 

I flushed them down the toilet today, but the thought of going through the entire quitting process again is exhausting. Last time I quit, I felt power from not telling my psychiatrist about the addiction and ripping the prescriptions up. Which, in hindsight, was a way for me to not totally commit to never taking it again.

 

I MUST stop for good this time and remember how bad this drug really is. How you start taking it feeling energized and on top of the world, and then how it slowly eats away at you, stealing your soul bit by bit.

 

So discouraged and so tired. And so disappointed in myself for letting this happen again.

[Chicago]

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm in the Chicago area and would also be happy to meet up with both of you. I am around 8 months clean, and doing a lot better, but it's always helpful to talk with others. 

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

Evie, I did what you are doing for the first 9 months of my sobriety. Well, not exactly, but my mom and people around me kept asking if I had told my doctor I was addicted to Adderall and I kept getting pissed off that they were asking me. But really, I knew why I didn't make the call. I knew that maybe, just maybe, I could have that option still open in case I needed it. I relapsed on alcohol/pot after 9 months sobriety and I was such a mess I started contemplating calling the doctor to get my prescription refilled. Luckily, when that happened it dawned on me that I'd just been to detox 9 months prior and that I could not afford to go back on Adderall again. That was the last day I drank up until now. I called the doctor's office the next day and told them.

This weekend I went back to a different doctor to get back on celexa. You know what the first thing she asked me? She says, "so you are allergic to Amphetamine tablets?" It was CRAZY, but thank GOD that was in there, because I would've been so tempted had it not. I just remember feeling so much relief after I called the doc because I knew that I was finally done for GOOD. NO GOING BACK.

By the way, why are you feeling so hateful of yourself today? What's wrong?

 

Well I definitely need to tell my Dr. to cut me off, because something happened the other day that was very scary. He gave me 2 prescriptions for the adderall to last me for two months, and as soon as I'd left the Dr.'s office, I ripped up one adderall prescription, but had forgotten that there was still one more prescription, for the other month (along with my lexapro and ativan prescription).

 

Yesterday I was having a bad day at work. I was making mistakes-minor ones, but was doubting my intelligence and adequacy. Then I started going through my purse and it dawned on me that there was still one more adderall prescription, for the other month. I couldn't resist, refilled the prescription, and took the adderall yesterday. Of course I felt tweaked out later that night and it was a bad feeling. This morning, I flushed the pills. So thankfully only one day where I took them.

 

But, I can't afford to put myself in the position where I can take them-just playing with fire. 

Good for you for calling the Dr. I need to do the same.That must have taken a lot of strength. I hope I have the same feeling of relief as you did when you knew it was done for good. 

 

I don't know why I'm so hateful of myself....just have major self-esteem issues and question my abilities at work, school, etc.

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

well, I had the appointment, got the adderall prescription, and promptly disposed of it.

I guess this is where I'm at right now. 

Baby steps....

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

Catw66,

 

I KNOW adderall made things worse for me depression wise. I totally understand how you feel, sometimes I feel so dead and empty and hateful of myself, like today. But then there are great days, times when I feel alive and enjoying life-which is a good sign. l was on adderall 3 1/2 years too. But there are people who've been on adderall for 10 years-I can't even imagine how hard it must be to quit after that length of time on them. 

 

How long have you been off the adderall for? From the other posts I've read, I have to just stay positive and believe it will get better.

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

My opinion is having a doctor willing to prescribe you is risky. That's why a lot of us got ourselves cut off from our doctors in one way or another. I just say set yourself up for success as much as possible....and that would be a step in the right direction.

Yes, I'm not sure I'm being honest with myself. Seems like I'm setting myself up for failure by still accepting the prescriptions, not success. Even though I haven't been filling the prescriptions, it's just SO hard to think of cutting off all my options to obtain the meds. It just feels like a cushion to fall back on, being able to get the adderall, if I somehow fuck up at work. I had a bad day at work today, and I'm having so many negative thoughts about my intelligence, etc. All the more reason why I shouldn't give myself the option to take it.

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

 

You're making it harder and riskier by having the option.

 

Let's say you're in a relationship and you're tempted to cheat on your boyfriend, but you don't want to because you love your boyfriend and don't want to hurt him. Would you keep putting yourself in situations where you're alone with the other guy, knowing that something could easily happen, or would you cut off or minimize your contact with the other guy so you could avoid the temptation in the first place?

I'm using this as an analogy because I recently developed a huge crush on someone and took precautions to not be alone with him, knowing that I could easily do something stupid. I never thought in a million years that I'd fall for someone other than my husband, but the chemistry with this guy really threw me for a loop and I could honestly see myself doing something I would seriously regret. My point is, part of being a mature adult is recognizing your fallibility so you can nip dangerous situations in the bud. We can succumb to primal urges and basal temptations so much more easily than we think. If I had the option to take adderall during my first year sober, I have no doubt that I would have. I remained abstinent because it was unavailable, and now after a year and a half, I have the inner strength to resist along with the continued unavailability. Think about telling your doctor not to prescribe you adderall anymore. That action step will make your sobriety foundation so much more solidified.

 

 

You are so right, and I can't believe I didn't see it this way until I read your post. I made a huge mistake with my last relationship in that I put myself in situations in which i was tempted to cheat on him. I knew a certain guy friend was my weakness, and I still chose to put myself in situations where I was alone with him, in his apartment.That decision had enormous consequences, which I regret to this day.  Didn't even relate the cheating issue to obtaining the adderall prescription, but they are a lot alike in a way. I need to give this some serious thought and get real with myself. 

[Adderall and Prescriptions]

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and every time I have an appointment with him, there's a little debate that goes on in my head. I've been missing the adderall, but ultimately have been deciding that there's absolutely NO way I can go back on it. 

 

I never told him I was addicted to the adderall, I've been ripping up his prescriptions as soon as I get them for the last four months (he also gives me prescriptions for lexapro and ativan, which I take). I feel so resentful towards psychiatrists in general, and want the decision to be mine, not his. A little part of me feels good that I'm deceiving him, that he's clueless and has no idea what's going on.

 

Does anyone else do the same? I'm not sure if this is a healthy way to approach things, but I get such a powerful feeling from getting the prescriptions, then ripping them up. I want this decision to feel like my choice, not something I'm forced into. At the same time, I know I'm taking a risk, even having that prescription in my hand. 

[Adderall and Emotions]

Thanks so much for the helpful advice everyone. Some days I'm in so much emotional pain that I don't think I can stand it, but what I have to realize is that intense feelings eventually pass-they aren't permanent. Some days are much better than others, and overall, I'm moving on.

Occasional01,

I feel exactly the same when you say that it's not about being productive anymore, it's about missing emotional numbness.

I have my energy back, I'm fairly productive at work, but I miss that invincible feeling and that "fake" self-confidence. I have to just tell myself to accept whatever emotions I'm feeling. That there will be good and bad days, and the pain will pass.

Ashley6,

I think reminding myself that the adderall was partially responsible for my breakup it's what's really helping me stay off it. I CAN'T go back to that place. It was a lesson learnt.

And yes, I'm taking that "fling" advice

[Adderall and Emotions]

I've been 4 months off the adderall since I relapsed, and in general things are ok.

I have more energy, things are fine at work. I'm sleeping a lot better. Went on an incredible vacation to Colorado last week and hiked/biked every day.

One thing I'm constantly struggling with is a recent breakup I went through and the painful emotions I feel from that. They are just so intense and even therapy and antidepressants can only do so much. I miss my ex so much and am not sure how to deal with the intense feelings. Just came back from the grocery store that is close to where he lives and just overwhelmed with thoughts of him.

I think adderall really numbed my emotions. I find myself wishing I had it on days like today, because it would make all my worries and pain go away, if even for a few hours.

I ended up drinking and missing my group therapy appointment today, not good.

How has everyone else dealt with feeling more emotional off the adderall? I don't want to take other substances to replace adderall, but I also don't know how to cope with my feelings many times.

[Witticism]

Yes, I just find humor in more things when I'm not on adderall. When I was on adderall, it would take a a lot to make me laugh and I'd actually get annoyed at people who laughed "too" much or weren't serious enough. Now I find myself not taking everything so damn seriously and making jokes.

[How do I forgive myself?]

Evie,

YES! I'm dealing with a lot of this now. I'm sorry you're going through a break up. That's tough, but it's great you're not resorting to adderall to mask your emotions. I blame myself for taking adderall, but I KNOW deep down that the actions and bad decisions I made on adderall weren't me. Adderall changes every aspect of life from our feelings, empathy, thought processes, etc. I think forgiving ourselves is one of the biggest challenges in recovery. I just got out of counseling and discussed an issue that's been eating me alive since I quit. She reminded me that now that I'm seeing life as it really is, not masked by an overload of pills, my perspective is different and feeling guilty is really not beneficial, although a little inevitable, but learning how to accept ourselves and move on is so important. Be proud of yourself for choosing a better life with better decisions and try your best not to focus on what you messed up....what's done is done, but I can tell you I can totally relate to what you're feeling. Hang in there with the breakup.

Thank you Ashley. I guess I just have to accept the emotional pain and realize that it will eventually get better, right? Right now I just want to numb these intense emotions, but that's partially what leads to my addictive behavior in the first place. Inability to handle my emotions has gotten me into way too many problems. Time to suck it up and deal with it I guess.

[How do I forgive myself?]

occasional01,

Thank you so much for your advice, your words brought me a lot of comfort. Yes, there was something wrong with the relationship for a while, but I think I was overly optimistic. I should have let it go when I knew things were wrong, but I wanted things to work so badly. You are so right when you say that you can't blame the adderall, it just brought out issues that were already there. I think recognizing that I made a very bad choice, and taking responsibility for that is an important part of the process. That regardless of how frustrated I was by the relationship and his behavior, cheating was NOT the way to handle it. And that being a people pleaser and trying to change myself to make someone happy can lead to very bad results.

Right now I'm just going to have to try to get through the day, focus on staying clean, and try to get to the bottom of why I did what I did.

Thanks again!

[ONE YEAR]

Congratulations Ashley! All of your posts and replies are such an inspiration to me, thank you.

I wish you strength and continued success.