Jon B
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Posts posted by Jon B
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It shouldn't be bad for you. There is never a timeline specific, but with the very very very small amount of time you've used, I think you will be in the clear very soon. I would do anything to go back to month 4 of my use and wise up and stop. You are in a great spot. Good for you for recognizing it. Get off it now and stay the natural course. It will be worth it.
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@FisherKing Man you will be fine! You got this. "Irrational fears" resonates with me big time. I come up with the worst possible scenario for everything that never seems to happen. - I worry about self-fulfilling prophecys - I feel like I knew I would end up in this situation sooner or later when I started taking adderall in college.
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On 10/2/2023 at 12:03 AM, FisherKing said:
Today marks my 8th month clean and tomorrow morning I'm going back to work for the first time in those 8 months. I'm nervous and excited at the same time, but I'm so glad to be getting back on my feet.
How's the new job going? Pretty awesome accomplishment!
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9 minutes ago, FisherKing said:
@Jon B AA will work. It's the same 12 step, I believe. As soon as you leave your first meeting, you'll have a bunch of phone numbers of people waiting to help support you because they've already been there and know what it's like.
I'm gonna have to check it out. Its good to have people like you and others on this site who know what its like to go through this. Not sure what I thought exactly I would feel being this far in the process of getting off. I know there are some aspects of life better now than they were earlier on.
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6 hours ago, FisherKing said:
Thanks FisherKing. I've never heard of Buspar. My doctor prescribed me Lexapro SSRI months ago. I havent really taken it though. I know it will make me feel better and take away the anxiety and ease up the depression, but I also know the high probability of weight gain. Plus I've been trying really hard not to get dependent on another mind altering substance. I see Buspar is different though so may need to check it out. The only thing that has helped has been exercise and decent diet. I run a good bit and have been starting to incorporate more weights.
We don't have NA where I am, but we do have AA. I may need to check it out. I know I need people who can relate to my experiences in some way. Its hard trying to open up/explain how I'm feeling to people who have no idea what this is like. it makes me feel as though the way I'm feeling isn't valid (if that makes sense) - I get this vibe of "get over it" and "suck it up" haha
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Lately I've been wondering if I made the right choice coming off. I feel like I'm letting so many people down and people are seeing me at my worst. I'm almost at 9 months. So many areas of my life feel so out of whack. I'm doing terrible at work. I wasn't doing the best before coming off either, but I know where I went wrong. When I'm sitting down in front of the screen all day, I feel so low. I can't seem to gain any drive to do the things I know I need to do. I understand motivation follows action, but its like I am in a constant state of fear and anxiety that won't go away. I want to wake up one day, not dreading the day ahead. I can't remember the last time I woke up feeling like life was good. I know this is my own fault, and I want to clean it up. I just don't know where to start cleaning up my life.
The anxiety/depression is paralyzing. I feel so alone and misunderstood. I'm so tired of the internal mental battles that I face everyday. Its like I have one voice that is positive but is overrun by negative thoughts of regret, shame, confusion, fear and doubt constantly. its exhausting. I can't seem to make decisions about anything at all. The only times I feel decent is when I am exercising. When will this end? I've become such a negative person. I'm not mean to people, but I don't have positive energy and vibes to give people anymore. My energy is negative. My thoughts easily sway toward negative thoughts about everything and everyone. Its draining.
People have been patient with me. I don't talk about what I'm dealing with to anyone really, besides my therapist. even she doesnt really understand. Its like they google "getting off addy experience" = "oh 30-60 days and you will be fine."
Am I crazy? Is this really something I should already be over by now?
I want to feel human again....I want to feel useful again.. I want to feel like me again. I want to discover my path and purpose. I want to break free of the mental chains that are holding me down.
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1 hour ago, Articulus said:
Well, there were a couple more relapses, but today I celebrate One Month Sober.
Way to go Articulus! Keep on chugging along.
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Day 163
Haven't logged in in a while.
- Quit my job than unquit my job. Told my boss what was going on and surprisingly everyone has been very understanding and supportive. - I'm thankful for that. I know I would have been more stressed out without a job.
- Work is my biggest stressor, Its like I can't get anything done ever. It kills me. I work in a sales job. My numbers havent been good this year (i've come to terms with that) - I'm not getting fired. Its like I'm allergic to work. I don't know where to start.
- Living at home with my parents for a year now. I originally moved back from the city just to get away for a bit. My plan was to go back after 6 months, but I decided to get off of the adderall and now its been over a year. Its hard being in this house day after day after day. I feel like I'm going crazy. I work from home and the only people I pretty much ever see are my parents. I have spent some time going back and forth to other families houses from time to time and that seems to help. I know the isolation doesnt help me at all.
- I've started seeing a therapist. Sometimes I think it helps, sometimes it doesn't. The hard part is my therapist can give suggestions all day long which I appreciate, but she doesn't actually understand what I'm going through. she tells me I can't put too much pressure on myself right now, which maybe is true. I just feel so weak all the time. My confidence that was so profound is gone. I can't focus. Getting out of bed everyday is a struggle.
- A doctor prescribed me lexapro, which I took for a few days. Honestly it made me happier, but I know that feeling all to well. Relying on a pill to manage my emotions, mood, and feelings. I didn't take it long. The thought of having to come off another medication which I've read is really hard to do after a while is just a hard pill to swallow
- There are many friends I've neglected over the past year or more. That I would like to reconnect with. I've ignored some, more throughout the early stages of coming off adderall. Truth is I don't know what to say to them.
- Its like everyday is the same. Like I'm living in Limbo. Like I'm stuck. I can't make decisions. Simple task take me forever. I procrastinate on things I normally wouldn't. I feel so stupid all the time..
- I think I need to be back out on my own. I think that would help me. Its just really hard to plan out anything right now.
- My physical energy is better. Been working out twice a day lately and watching what I eat. That seems to be the only thing that remotely helps me feel better.
While I know these are bunch of negative things, I guess it has just been one of those weeks, I'm thankful to be off the drug.
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I have plenty of pills left, but at 72 days completely off after a long step down cycle. I don't even look at them. I occasionally think "oh that morning rush when I take it and listen to music was nice" haha I know though that if I were to take it, maybe for an hour or two i'd be feeling great, but after that I also know that I would hyperfocus on the fact I took it and feel deep regret and shame. The "magic" of the pill is done for me. All i can do now is clean up the messes I've made and make better decisions.
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On 1/25/2023 at 9:24 PM, in sterquiliniis invenitur said:I'm 17 years old now
Straight up with you. You are at an age where many of us would kill to be at right now. Just quit the shit, and be done with it.
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I'm assuming you're weaning off? - If that's the case when I got to 5 mg, that lasted about 2 days and I was over it and just stopped. haha I If you really want to make sure its 5 mg, its easier to do with instant release tablets. You're making some progress, so congrats! Keep it up.
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On 3/21/2023 at 8:41 AM, ALA said:
61 days today. I appreciate everyone's responses to my rants and wonderings. I know this is a two person relationship here, with my psychiatrist and the addicted me. I can't fully blame her for pushing the meds, but it's unfortunate that the huge medical system that I belong to doesn't provide addiction support or even a referral to a licensed therapist that specializes in addiction. Sucks doing this journey alone.
Thats a huge accomplishment! Congrats on 61 Days. I'm on 58!
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7 hours ago, SleepyStupid said:
you're here and on this journey for a reason - the addict is trying to make it seem like there has to be some grander or greater purpose than simply your life and health.
what was the point of living if I was just going to fail? one of the most powerful pieces of advice given to me at that time was simply: "you don't have to win anything. its okay to just live." that got me through a lot of my early recovery, but long term recovery is about truly believing that there is a person on the other side that you would rather be than the addict. the secret is that it's true for everyone - you just need enough time away from the drug to realize it.
These parts really stood out to me. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself as I approach day 60. Thinking there is some amazing purpose for my life. Not saying there isn't but, . Why not just focus on just being a normal sober human being and enjoy being alive? - Everything else from here will fall into place.
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38 Days with no addy here! You basically described my life right now. Initiating task, figuring out what task needs to be done, daydreaming the day away, etc. I definitely have moments throughout the day when I'm feeling sorry for myself and hopeless. Mainly those feelings are in the morning particularly when i wake up. Its so hard to get out of bed and get ready for the day. Some days the "feeling sorry for myself/anxiousness" last longer than others.
We are making some pretty great progress I'd say. there is no way I'm turning back now. I remind myself life is supposed to suck right now. I've got work to do to build a new, better life for myself and with time that will happen. I'd rather life suck for a little while being off addy than live a lifetime of misery with constant ups and downs.
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Stay positive dolssa! Every day is a win and every day without addy gets you closer to the real you.
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2 hours ago, ALA said:
I tell myself Adderall is the devil in a bottle that wants to control my mind. My mind is mine and I'm taking it back.
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1 hour ago, ALA said:
Resonate with all the feelings here. I'm 40 days out and all I want to do is refill my prescription. I have a psych follow-up appointment next week to see how things are going without taking concerta. I just want to know how y'all are doing now in 2023. I feel like if people go back to taking their meds they tend not to respond, but just looking for some hope.
40 days is a ton of progress ALA. Great Job! Revisit all of the troubles that adderall caused for you and hold on to those. Of course going to see you psych you are going to want to tell them how much life sucks right now. Remember your life is supposed to suck right now. You are on a journey back to your true self. A journey toward clarity and fulfillment. I'm 35 days off myself from a long weaning process. Our brains are healing and will take some time to recuperate. We have to go through some "pain" to reach our goal and that's okay.
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On 1/23/2023 at 3:32 PM, ALA said:
I've been in that same "quit/relapse" cycle and am now on day 5 of no ADHD meds (I've been on Adderall/Ritalin/Concerta) for over a decade.
How are you holding up ALA?
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40 minutes ago, Krae19 said:
Yes it definitely helps to know other people are going through the same thing. Don’t listen to the negative thoughts going through your head. Just know that it does get better! I thought there was no way I could ever keep my job without adderall but I’m still there and although I’m not unrealistically productive like I was before, I still push myself and do the best I can. Working off adderall will never be like working on adderall and that’s ok.
Thanks Krae! - The negative voices got worse while taking the adderall and now that they come and go in waves which is better. I actually had a pretty good day today at work. I looked at Mike's post about Adderall created work habits where he talks about putting things off until the last minute to pop an addy and do it in one sitting which isn't feasible and harder to do than doing things in chunks. That helped put me in a different mindset and accomplish some things I knew i needed to do today.
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34 minutes ago, Krae19 said:
Thanks for sharing this! It was a good listen.. I could definitely relate to her about finding your “window of opportunity” to quit. I always knew I needed to quit because of health reason but I never really feel like I had the desire to actually do it. So I just started praying that God would make me actually want to quit. Now I’ve made it to 100 days off and it’s difficult but im not going back to the devils medicine as I call it.
You're welcome! I've listened to it multiple times. Sometimes just hearing someone talk about their struggles brings me some peace. haha The way her doctor kept prescribing more is crazy.
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Seen a lot of people ask about podcast. Found this one pretty interesting. It is also on Spotify.
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Seen some post about podcast that are out there. Here is a good podcast that I found pretty interesting. It is also on Spotify.
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PSA: My thoughts will be sporadic here, but bare with me
After a very long year of inadvertently tapering off of adderall, I have finally hit 30 days with 0 adderall. I tapered all the way down from 60mg. Once I hit 5-10 mg i had enough and stopped it completely. Its hard to believe I spent the majority of my 20s on this drug and that makes me pretty sad. It has been a long and honestly pretty lonely road. The depression is real. Keeping myself somewhat busy seems to help to an extent when I can actually focus, which is almost never. I cant stay organized at my job and can't bring myself to do the things I know I need to do. Its painful. Its a great sales job. that pays really well, but for quite some time I have wanted to quit and maybe find something that might pay less for the short term if it would bring me piece of mind and provide some space for me to breath and figure things out..I've been thinking about the Army for quite some time, but with my adderall use and almost being 30, Idk if that is possible. My self esteem is shot. I feel disgusting. I have glimpses of hope where I day dream about the future, but the negative voice inside my head takes over and says that it is too high a mountain to climb.
The devlish voices inside my head says:
- "You won't make new friends" "You'll never be able to reignite relationships adderall took you away from."
- "What will people think if you switch from a well paying sales job to something different? Plus good luck if you want to go back into the corporate world or start a business."
- "You were voted most likely to succeed in high-school, popular throughout college, super involved in life and with people, you were great at public speaking, athletic, You can't get it back, all that potential is no longer there."
- "That six pack that's slowly dwindling won't come back."
- "Dude you decided to leave your nice apartment in the city, move back in with your parents in the middle of nowhere and figure things out? You are such an idiot. You know people around town are talking about you and no doubt your whole family is talking about you.
I could go on.....but I'm sure many of you understand. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and automatically my brain goes to negative thoughts like these.
I think back to when I first took adderall often and can almost trace back so many stupid comments/actions that were almost definitely the cause of adderall which lead to my demise, but sometimes the hard part is knowing what was real? what was actually my fault? Is everything that has gone wrong in my life due to adderall?
Sometimes I also think that while taking adderall was the worst thing I could have ever done. That maybe the mistakes I made will one day have a purpose. They say there are no such things as mistakes, but learning experiences. Safe to say especially the past 15 months have been reflective and I know what not to do and the type of life I want to lead. Maybe organizing all those things will help me live a meaningful new life. Maybe the adderall hell was just part of my life's journey to end up where I'm supposed to be?
I've also come to the conclusion that I used adderall to mask depression and insecurities throughout the past few years. Not realizing it made things worse. Instead of helping it hindered me from making life changes and taking actions necessary to combat the depression.
I've got to go at the moment, but that's what I've got so far.
Super grateful for this forum and support!
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If I could go back to my college days when I first started taking this drug, I would tell myself to stop immediately. You have so much time ahead of you to do great things without it.
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4 years clean - a recovery timeline
in Tell your story
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Glad I came across this! - Needed this today.