[I'm doing it!]

Hi Again!

 

Sorry I posted and then left and didn't post any updates. I ended up finding another prescription of Adderall in my purse about 5 days after I posted my original message about quitting. I filled the prescription and abused the pills for about a week, and truly became Adderall free on or around March 18th. I still have not had any contact with my former doctor after calling him and "breaking up" with him like I said I did in my original post. 

 

I am hoping to get around to posting a new thread with my story soon, but it is hard to get a minute to myself with two kids needing all of my attention I would like to say that although the last month has been hard, it has also been amazing! I feel like myself for the first time in a long time, and things are falling into place in every area of my life! 

[I'm doing it!]

Thank you for replying! I have wanted to come clean to my husband but I keep backing out of doing it. He will be devastated and I just want  my adderall abuse to stop hurting the people I love. I know I should tell him, but I think I will wait until I am feeling a little better. In this situation I don't think his words will be supportive at first, and I don't want to go through this feeling like a bigger piece of shit than I already do.  I do need therapy, thank you for reminding me that I need to call around to find a counselor. I have been meaning to but of course put it off. 

I will keep you posted as I go through what is hopefully my final withdrawal period. Thanks again. 

[I'm doing it!]

It has taken me a long time to write about my experience on this forum. I have been a lurker for a while now, but I know I need the support here in order to successfully stay off of adderall. I fear I will end up dead from a heart attack if I don't, or bald from all of the head picking/hair pulling I do when I am on it, or in psychosis. My high blood pressure scares me too, not to mention the amount of alcohol I drink in order to fall asleep at night. 

 

The biggest step I needed to make was to let go of my "supplier", who is my psychiatrist. I have gone through withdrawal and completely off of adderall last summer, and it was simply terrible. I had confessed to my husband about my problem, and he helped me through it. You would think that would have been enough to remind me to never go back on adderall again, but within 3 months of being clean, I asked my psychiatrist to put me back on it. I never told my husband, who has made it clear he will not be supportive of me if I take it again. So I have been lying for months now. I feel terrible! I knew from this website I needed to let go of my doctor, but I simply was too scared to loose my ties to adderall. It is that powerful. 

 

But I did it! I called my psychiatrist this morning and left a voicemail telling him I was canceling my appointment and all future appointments because I cannot seem to take adderall without abusing it. I told him I needed to be away from the source. This is a crazy big step for me. I feel good about it. I know how much happier I am off of adderall, I have experienced how great life is after you get through the withdrawal period. I know I will feel bad the next week, but I know from previous withdrawals that it I  won't be as bad as the first time, when I had been abusing it non-stop for such a long period of time. I kept 2 1/2 pills to make it through those days that I cannot keep my eyes open. I am a stay at home mom to a toddler and there is simply no way I can risk falling asleep with her up. I haven't taken any today, because again I know from my previous withdrawals that the first day is the easiest for me, it is the 2nd, 3rd and 4th that are the hardest. I am not looking forward to it but I know it will be over soon, and I will feel like myself again. 

 

I never imagined that a pill like adderall could have such a hold on me. It is absolutely absurd when I think about how easily things get out of control every single time I get my prescription filled! And the fact that I am ever willing to fill the prescription again!  I don't think a prescription has lasted an entire month since I first started adderall, which is 5 or 6 years ago ( I had about a year and a half complete break from it when I was pregnant and breastfeeding). 

 

This pill was a miracle pill for me at first. I lost a ton of weight, excelled in my new career, and felt my depression lift for the first time in years. My social life and romantic life flourished. 

 

But we all know those are the things that make adderall so alluring! But they don't last, you go on a slippery, downhill slide soon after. I probably would have kept going until I hit complete rock bottom if I had not met my husband and decide to have a baby. 

 

I gained back a ton of weight during my pregnancy (no surprise there) but now I am still overweight, the heaviest I have ever been. I was only about 20 pounds overweight when I first started adderall, and really have never had any weight issues; I am used to being thin and attractive. This weight gain, which is about 40 pounds overweight and I am short so it looks like 60, is what first made me ask my psychiatrist to put me back on adderall. I also started college again and couldn't imagine being able to be successful without it. I also had a lot of depression again, and adderall along with an anti-depressant seemed to be a perfect mix to the best me I could be.  Not this time, however. And I have never been able to lose more than 10 lbs this time around on adderall. All of the wonderful things that used to come with adderall have long come and gone, and now all it provides me with are horrible. It literally is ruining my life. The only good that came is that it helped me get my college degree, but what a price to pay. There is a weight lifted now, knowing I can never manipulate my doctor into giving me adderall again. The temptation will definitely still be there at times, but to a lesser degree. And now I have no way to get it!

 

Thank you for this website. You have no idea how good it felt to know other people have gone through this and have succeeded. I have always felt so ashamed. It isn't a topic I hear about often, so I felt like I was a weak weirdo because I couldn't give up adderall. Knowing I am not alone has made a huge difference. Good luck to everyone on their journey as well.