[7 days. (My personal experience)]

I started out a recreational user. Something fun, it'll help you stay up all night, your house will never be so clean! "I've never tried it before, I'm not much of a pill taker, what will adderall do to me? I'm kind of nervous."

 

One night I fell down the rabbit hole and was so happy that I had. I couldn't believe how great I felt. I was happy, energetic, motivated, it was a side of me I thought I'd lost. I don't think it took long for me to think "this stuff is for me". My boyfriend has his own script, and he was often generous with his pills. I noted several occasions he offered free hand outs without regret, seeing as he rarely used them for himself I guess 'sharing is caring'. It amazed me how excited people were with his willingness to simply give away his pills. Although I'd spent numerous amounts of time surrounded by addicts in my own special pot haze, I was still a toddler fumbling around curious about this vast dark world.

 

While I am quite impulsive, I do not readily give my trust. In order for me to try something new, I must be able to trust that you are telling me truth. I must believe that this will not kill me (I'm impulsive, not stupid). I trusted that my boyfriend loved me, and would not readily allow me to try something he believed would be harmful to me. Perhaps he didn't know me well enough at the time to foresee the risk or perhaps it was something new for him as well to put such trust in me. He opened up his bottle to me exclusively to take as I chose or when I see fit. (What could go wrong?)

 

This period of time is a bit of a blur to me. My relationships are not known for their steady give and take, as I am (if it was yet accepted in the DSM) textbook Co-Dependant. This causes me to choose men that are generally on the Narcissitic side of the spectrum.

Bottom line, my issues are constant. Whether or not I am the only one able to perceive this. 

 

I began taking pills regularly, which my boyfriend believed was a good thing. He saw a dramatic improvement in me and we began to suspect I could be the type of person that really benefits from adderall. Suddenly, my moods began to swing (as is not unusual for me). My boyfriend chose to blame the pills and insisted I stopped taking them immediately. I do not recall this being very difficult, I'm not sure why. It may be this wasn't long after I started taking them regularly. However, my boyfriend seemed to find me more difficult to be around AFTER I stopped taking them, and insisted that I begin taking them regularly again. I recall being asked daily for a period of time if I HAD taken them that day.

 

I no longer remember how long I was taking them regularly. In the meantime, I became pregnant. It was a clear choice that I would stop taking anything at all that could be harmful to our unborn child. I stopped taking adderall, began to quit smoking, and cut back on my caffiene. Easy, right?

After our beautiful girl was born, I nursed her for 5 months. It had been over a year now since I had touched adderall. I decided to quit breast-feeding as it was proving difficult to keep up once I went back to my job as a hair-stylist. A couple of days later I began taking adderall again, in a way to re-assert my ability to be independant of my new little budle. Mothers can generally understand this important step in their lives. Freedom to drink, smoke, and take pills without concern of it filtering through your body and be given directly to your baby (trust me fellas, it's a lot of stress to take off your shoulders...litterally). 

 

I believe this is where my true addiction started. This is when I began getting more reckless when it came to how often, how much, and how many pills I was taking. I believe the stress of being a new mom, the stress of my relationship, and the stress of my job were contributors..but I really stopped caring. This drug felt like it was heaven sent and I didn't want to lose it. My boyfriend noticed the changes and demanded that I stopped. I was not to touch his pills again. So again, I quit. But I couldn't totally give it up, which meant I began stealing pills here and there. Eventually he noticed, and this left a huge weight of shame and guilt on my shoulders.

Right around this time came our annual end of April camping trip. This is an event where he is surrounded by old college friends, and an event that he is well known for his adderall contribution to the party. I discussed it with him prior to the event, and he told me this was the type of event that getting fucked up and having fun was the point, so I was also welcome to partake. Clearly I couldn't just leave this ability to partake alone, and I was right back to stealing pills long after the camping trip.

Again, he noticed. Again, I quit.

As much as I've always wanted to blame my addiction on him, I know I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I decided it was time I seek some counseling. It went well, and in the meantime I visited a doctor for my depression. I hated every depression pill I tried, all of them seemed to make me feel worse. I began to revisit the hope that adderall was a drug that really did work for me, and that the problem was I was self diagnosed ADD and shouldn't be relying on my boyfriend to be my doctor and pharmacist. I suggested this to my counselor, which led to interviewing my family and my boyfriend. All answers pointed straight to ADD. Which meant I no longer believed it was "all in my head" (so to speak, ha). I was able to take this diagnosis straight to my doctor.

 

As if all this hadn't been confusing enough, once I had the clear diagnosis, my boyfriend re-opened his pill bottle to me. I was hesitant of his intentions, but I'm an addict.

 

At first my doctor gave me a script for a low dose of ritalin. You see, I am poor and uninsured, and this is a less expensive option. I gave it a shot, I figured it had to be better than the shitty depression pills I'd been on. It didn't do much for me at all. I finished out the script and went back to adderall on the side. My follow up appointment, I let the doctor know it wasn't for me. She switched me to adderall.

 

It has been four months since that day, and I have dramatically increased my dose without doctor's recommendations. My boyfriend knows, and now it's time to make a change.

 

Trouble is.... It's been 7 days, and I don't know if I can do it.

[Day 5? 6? I think. .]

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have a couple of family members aware, my boyfriend is the encouragement for my decision to live off meds. My mother liked me better on the pills, but is being supportive of my choice. I guess being a stay at home mother of two while taking on day car efor two other children makes me feel like I need to keep up being super woman and falling short is discouraging.

[Day 5? 6? I think. .]

Still fresh and I still don't know if I can do it for good. But these withdrawal symptoms are hell. I read some posts that people were taking a much higher dose for much longer periods so I feel like a whiner, but I digress. I felt much better on day 3 and even day 4, but now I feel like I'm going backwards. I slept for two days then started doing almost more than I was doing while I was still on adderall. Now I'm nauseous, my head is splitting, and I can't do the simplest of tasks around the house. Why did I feel so much better and now I'm miserable? Did I over do it or did I just not do enough today??

Xxlosing it