[When did you realize you needed to stop?]

As crazy as this sounds, I think I knew right away after taking them, I probably should not. It felt too unnatural. They say "when things are too good to be true they usually are" and that is definitely the case with me and Adderall and I knew right away. But at the time I started taking them, which was my first trimester in college, you couldn't pay me to stop. I was love stuck.

I was at my worse probably the first 2-3 years on them. Out of control, not eating, drinking and partying all the time. Almost failing out of school, I was too busy partying, cleaning and bar tending to concentrate on school and school work. I ended up going to a life coach and started to get my life back together while still taking them. Or so I thought.

Flash forward 5 years later since starting Adderall, I knew shit wasn't good again. I was still drinking too much, getting depressed, still partying too much, still unhealthy, not eating and when I was, eating shit like Papa Johns, but I was doing great in school and graduated. But I was so mad all the time for no reason and my depression started getting worse, which is why I was drinking so much and I knew if I kept taking them I would mess up everything I had going for me, including my great relationship with my boyfriend.

So I went to my doctor and told her I wanted something else for ADHD but more mild. I wasn't ready to quit yet. So she put me on Vyvanse. I really liked it at first, it was way more milder. But after the first year, I started noticing similar shitty side effects to being on Adderall, I stayed on it for another year until I found this site and finally quit, Dec. 28th 2013! I also started Zoloft Fall of 2013.

Looking back and really thinking about all the damage I have done to myself, my mind, body, brain, organs and soul, I'm so pissed at myself and trying to do all that I can to live a life completely opposite than I have the last 7 years. I'm being more mindful, healthy, etc.

 

Absolutely beautiful - Thanks so much for sharing. Still haven't quit yet but your words are inspirational.

 

 

I feel like many of the people around me (especially since I'm in college) are thinking "you have adderall, just get your shit done, it should be easy" when in my head it's screaming the exact opposite.

 

Ain't that the fucking truth. Can totally relate. At times I've felt like I have this pill that lets me "cheat" at life but now I feel so scatterbrained that I can't keep anything straight. It's really become a huge detriment.

[Seizures]

I have been having seizures some being grand-mal. Has anyone else experienced this? I used to take way higher doses. I slipped up for a few weeks studying for boards, but not nearly at the same high dose(i know still bad)They can not figure out what is going on. They have pulled my driver's liscense temporaly because is law after documented seizure. Normally, I in past refused to go to hospital, because I was worried that might happen. I had to go to ER though couple weeks ago. I have medical background, but not much at all in neuro. I know seizure can be side effect, but just seems weird happening now not couple years ago when really taking high doses sometimes 300mg IR in a day. Also, I don't no anybody else that had this issue with addy, but maybe like me just don't talk about. If anybody knows about this please share. Thanks

Hey there friend. I've also experienced seizures on high doses of Addy, though they only seem to come after having been awake for 24-36+ hours, so I'm sure the sleep deprivation plays a large role in it as well.

 

Are you planning on quitting? Really step back an evaluate where your life is at right now. Is the amphetamine really worth all these terrible side effects?

[Two years!]

I don't know if you'll read this or what this will mean to you, but I just want to let you know that I truly find inspiration in your post. I hope I can be there one day, looking back on what a mess I once was.

[The Final Stage of Mourning]

Man your post says a lot of the things I've been thinking over the years - really outlining the love/hate relationship we sometimes have with amphetamine. We all talk about how "evil" Adderall is, but I think we sometimes forget its "positives." Personally, I don't know where I would be academically without it. The flaw is when we fall into the trap of becoming unable to accomplish anything without it.

 

There's something to be said for growing and persevering through hardship, but when you pop a pill to get through these hardships you aren't really growing at all. It has led, for me at least, to a stage of arrested development. I'll stop myself short before getting too long winded but I guess I'd just like to say that your post was beautiful, I really related to it, and I hope you continue to find that same personal strength to get you through these rough times.

[Mother of 4, coming off 4 day adderall binge]

I can't say I've got all the answers but I'm here to talk if you ever need it - Just shoot me a PM; I can give you my number if you need to hear a voice on the other end as well.

 

Be strong and be understanding of others. What I mean by being "understanding" is that your friends and family can't possibly know all the hardships that come with amphetamine addiction. How could they? How could you expect them to? I believe we are flawed in some way that has led us to succumb to chemical dependency; believing that somehow Adderall makes up for an inherent "shortcoming" within ourselves. That is the mindset we must overcome

 

Within that though, I also believe we are strong. Everyone here, yourself included, knows how much strength it takes to stand up to the rough waters that come with Adderall abuse: the self doubt, the physical and mental exhaustion, the complete lack of life balance. Those issues take real inner, personal strength to confront on a day to day basis. Only people who have been there truly know that hurt. You can beat those demons, I know it.

 

Feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I'm there for you.

[In need of support]

Adderall's job is to make the crappy and mundane things palatable. You just listed a bunch of things that are horrible about taking it and then you say that it makes everything better. This stuff is a powerful liar, isn't it? Read all of the articles that Mike has posted on this site and use them to plan your quit. Consider joining the 30 day challenge and post daily or even hourly if necessary. We will support you through the process. Welcome to the forum!

I'm on a binge right now. It really is a fucking liar, promising all these things without consequence. It's hard to realize how much it takes from you with all these promises. No such thing as a free lunch right?

[I'm Tired of Being Tired!!!]

Antidepressants is such a vague and general term, in fact I think amphetamine could be characterised as one of the first anti depressants . There is nothing similar between SSRIs like Prozac or Effexor , and Wellbutrin, they are totally different. I know many of you know this, but I'm pointing that out for everyone else. I had tried quitting while using Effexor and prosac, but it just made me even more tired. Wellbutrin doesn't release dopamine however it does inhibit the reabsorption of it, so it' was really a perfect transition to sobriety for me and non addictive. I know it sounds like I'm a sales rep for Wellbutrin, but it's just that I get frustrated reading peoples posts who are still using but are making all these grandiose plans to quit, and then I never see them again. I think there are a lot of unrealistic expectations out there, I should know I had them too, but to quit using such a cataclysmic central nervous stimulator is so hard.

I think you may be referring to a post I made a few days ago where you advised Wellbutrin during recovery and I was hesitant to do so. You may have gotten the wrong idea when I told you about my reluctance to try it. It's not that I'm totally opposed to giving it a shot, I just have some concerns about putting more chemicals in my body at this point. To be honest I was kind of hoping you would respond and tell me a little bit about how it helped you and why you advocate it during the early period of recovery.

[My best friend, Addy.]

"How could I care so much about something that, turns me into this... this sad sad little girl?"

 

It seems like you already know the answer to this question. I, too, have asked myself the same question. Adderall is a sneaky bastard though, he sneaks up on you and sinks his teeth in, but by then it's too late. You've got a good head on your shoulders and it seems like you already know exactly what needs to be done to fix the problem. Now it's just a matter of finding the strength to change, but I know you can do it. Draw support from this community, your friends, and your family and we will get through this together. Know that you always have someone to talk to here who knows exactly what you've been through and can show you the way forward. You can beat this.

[3 Years of Adderall. Ready to Quit.]

I was in this place exactly three years ago.  Although it is a special kind of Adderall hell, I believe it was necessary for me to come to this point in order to successfully quit and stay quit.  I truly prayed that my body and mind would hold up until I could finally quit.  I had some work issues, life issues, and some Adderall-induced beliefs that prevented me from quitting sooner.  I was in this hell for about two years before quitting, although the last few months were really tough.  I had quit in my mind and was ready to be done with my addiction, but the physical addiction and fear of withdrawal kept me chained to those fucking pills.  I have never wanted anything more in my life than a successful Quit.  I think you have a rock-solid plan for quitting, Chris.  Quit when you have the time and flexibility to make your recovery the #1 priority in your life.

 

LilTex, my Adderall story started like yours did.  First took it whenever friends would share, then on every Saturday "to get things done", then "just on the weekends" which grew into 3 and 4 day binges and finally into a daily habit for my last two years of Adderall.  As long  as I had a full three days off, the high came back every weekend.  But eventually the three day withdrawal made me almost entirely dysfunctional during the week and I succumbed to the daily habit.  I have never felt more grounded and emotionally stable that I have in the years since quitting the pills and cigs.

Dude your situation is a mirror image of mine. This last semester has been so stressful and my workload is heavier than ever before, so much so that I'm I've gone from 2-3 day intermittent use to nearly every day now. Taking it that frequently weighs on me so heavily though, both physically and mentally, and so like your experience, I am just trying my best to stay centered and pray that I can make it through this final stretch without falling apart. Thank you for your words of wisdom, I hope I can be as strong as you were.

 

Chris,

 

Welcome to the site!  We are glad to have you.

 

My addiction to Adderall started off somewhat innocently enough.  My bf at the time used to tell me to save my pills for weekend partying purposes only. I would wait and pop my first pill every Friday morning at work. My co-workers started nick naming it, "Fun Friday" because I would become the life of the party and we would sit around talking non-stop and telling jokes while working. Then we'd go out afterwards and party.

 

Anyhow, it finally dawned on me how super productive I was on those Friday's so I started taking a pill here and there just like you did to get things done. Slowly, it became such an ingrained habit, that I was taking them all day everyday so I could "function".  But more than anything, I loved chasing the high.  It was a constant roller coaster ride.  And over time I just needed more and more to get the same effect.  I was beating the crap out of my buddy with that stuff and I never ever thought I'd be able to give it up.  But eventually I did and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. 

 

Last night we posted about where we'd be right now had we not quit and it was such a great reminder to see that life is really good today.  It could be so much worse had I stayed on the path of oblivion.  It's definitely the hardest thing I ever gave up, but I thank god for this website because without it and everyone's encouragement I don't know if I'd still be clean today.

 

My best advice is stay close to this board and draw support from the people here.  Whenever I feel like I miss it and wish I were back on it again, I come here and read stories from all the newbies or people still struggling.  It is the best reminder I have of what it was like and why I don't want to ever go back to that trap.  You can get your life back!  You can do this and know we are all on your side rooting for you.

 

Take care my friend!

Hugs!

Like you, I too find myself chasing the high. It feels great when you're riding it, doesn't it? You feel like you're at the top of your game, no brain fog, total confidence, and rushes of euphoria. I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to it when I take my first pill of the day, because I know it means that it'll be a "good" day and that I'll actually be functional.

 

The high is never worth the lows though, and I mean that in more than one way. The first being the actual comedown. You're just lying in bed tossing and turning all night with this unspent energy and focus, and then to compensate for the lack of sleep you're forced to do it all over again in the morning. It's truly a shitty, predatory cycle. The other low in my mind centers around the bigger picture: The low of being in a constant state of arrested development and not actually building any skills; just relying on a pill to find your "good" qualities. I think there's something to be said for persevering through hard times and growing through it, but I'm not even doing that, just popping pills to handle the day to day BS.

 

I will undoubtedly be taking your advice and am sure I'll rely heavily on this community for support once I finally quit. I am still amazed how we all come from such different walks of life but still share these similar experiences. Adderall is some seriously nasty shit. I don't know if I'd have had the same academic/work success that came with Adderall, but at least I'd have some real skills instead of a substance abuse problem. I appreciate your encouragement and am looking forward to getting to know everybody here. You guys rock.

[3 Years of Adderall. Ready to Quit.]

Wow Chris your post had me riveted; I could relate to everything in it. It's weird how things go downhill so quickly; like when you said you only took it if you had "a lot to do" but then the most menial things to an an adderral mind seems like "a lot to do"....

 

It does have a honeymoon phase when you first start; you're happy, doing good in school or enjoying a job you never did, but then (like you said) you stop doing the things you loved doing like practicing guitar....and you find yourself just sitting at home alone engulfed in some random task wasting time.

 

I love this site and find it amazing how all experience are the same.  I've been on it 2 years and recently stopped taking it on the weekends which leaves me laying in my bed all day eating and sleeping with no energy to do anything.

 

You say you will stop once school is over; i hope that's true.  But after reading this site and experiencing it myself the adderall has a way of making those excuses for you like "I'll stop when....i'm on vacation, when I move, after my wedding"  There's always something...

Yeah the honeymoon phase is sublime, isn't it? It's just that the progression from that into dysfunctional relationship is so slow and gradual that it can sneak right up on you. By the time it has its claws in you it's too late.

 

To be honest with you Brandy, I would love to quit right now. It's frustrating because I am ready to change but cannot do so yet. The fatigue from withdrawals coupled with the fact that I have relied on a pill as the source of my self-discipline for the last 3 years means there's no way I could keep up with my extremely heavy course load at the moment. I've come this far, and while it's not optimal, I need it to finish out this last semester.

 

And you're right about this being a wonderful site. I never imagined that I could relate directly to so many people; that so many people have shared the same feelings that I do. I want to thank you and everyone else here for your words of encouragement. You guys are amazing and I wish you luck on your own journeys away from this drug.

[3 Years of Adderall. Ready to Quit.]

Ask you dr about Wellbutrin, that got me through my first four months clean

Thanks for the recommendation - it's something I've thought about but I am hesitant to put another drug in my system at this point.

 

It's crazy, the first story I looked at on this website was yours, and it's literally a mirror image of my situation.  The way you started out, the progression it's taken in college, the duration, the relationship adversities, and everything else.  I feel you man.  I'm fighting it everyday.  That "artificial" self can only do so much for one's soul before it breaks it down.  Things that I used to absolutely love to do, before I started taking Adderall, and during, are now insanely hard for me to be passionate about yet alone even partake in them when I'm not taking the drug.  They've been over-justified, and the process of reigniting that love is hard to do without Adderall as your fuel.  If I could give you one piece of advice (not saying that you need it) though, make sure to tell your doctor that you can't be on it anymore - period.  Every time I try to drop this habit, there's a voice inside that tells me to get it refilled.  Sometimes the voice is so overwhelming that it consumes and overrides the deepest desire to be truly done with the devil's energy bar.  I find that running/exercise is the best cure in softening that voice.  Good luck Chris, never forget who your true essence. You are not alone my friend.

 

Nate

Nate I totally hear you man. It's comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the same things. I'll take your advice on cancelling the prescription. If I'm really serious about quitting then there's no reason not to. I wish you luck on your journey and appreciate your support.

[3 Years of Adderall. Ready to Quit.]

My unhealthy relationship with Adderall began as innocently as many of yours did when my friend gave me a little orange pill to help me study one day. I remember walking into my college class a few hours later, feeling assertive and confident. I was actively participating in the discussion, answering questions, and getting laughs from classmates. I loved it. I contacted that same friend a few days later to get some more and sure enough he obliged me. It was magic. I remember sitting down and cranking out an entire paper one night, and afterwards, when I asked my father to proofread it, he said, "Chris, this is one of the best things you've ever written, I'm really proud of you." Later, my mother expressed similar feelings of pride; telling me how "responsible" and "self-disciplined" I was.

 

Though it took a long time for my issue with Adderall to develop into what it is now, I really think that was the beginning of the end. My parents' unknowing endorsement solidified what I already knew: On Adderall, I am awesome.

 

For the next couple months I purchased it occasionally, until eventually I became fed up with the struggle of finding it and decided to get a prescription of my own. After a twenty minute appointment with the doctor, I had a big smile on my face and my very own prescription for thirty 20mg pills each month.

 

That was about 3 years ago. Since then I've truly lost all balance in my life. Originally I started taking it only on days when I had "a lot to do". My definition of "a lot to do" became less and less strict over time, and soon I began taking Adderall several times a week to complete even the simplest tasks. The house was clean and my grades were better than ever though, so who could complain? Now my life is at the point where I need to take a pill to accomplish anything. If I haven't taken it, I will often lie in bed all day and sleep. If I have to work that day, I will show up, do the bare minimum, and go back home to sleep as soon as possible. I've played guitar for around 10 years now and used to absolutely love taking Adderall and practicing in my room all day. Now I can't even pick the guitar up for more than a few minutes if I haven't taken anything.

 

I also began taking Adderall to go out at night because it made me more social. I found that I would take it and then suddenly I'd be making friends, meeting women, and just generally being the life of the party. Now I only go out in public anymore when I'm on it. I won't even go and meet with my close friends unless I've taken some. I meet so many people and generally try to be a friend to all, but it's hard to let people get close because they don't know the real me, only the me they've met on Adderall. For me that's what makes it so hard to quit. I'm scared to find out that people won't like the real Chris as much as the Chris on Adderall - and to be honest I wouldn't blame them at all. I am, objectively speaking, a much more pleasant person to be around when I'm on it. The withdrawals leave me so tired, I have no energy to make the effort otherwise.

 

Recently though, I've decided that I'm sick of it. I'm tired of living my life as someone who isn't me. Maybe I won't be the person everybody wants me to be, but I physically and mentally cannot play this role anymore. It has left me malnourished, exhausted, and  unhappy. When I stumbled upon this site I nearly started to cry just reading the articles, because it was like somebody had written down all the things I had been thinking and feeling over the last few years verbatim. I think that was also hard because it was the moment I realized that I had a substance abuse issue, and I never expected that.

 

I'm currently in the last month and a half of my final college semester, after which I plan on immediately flushing all these little orange pills down the toilet. I am looking into therapy as well, not only for my substance abuse problem, but also for the issues that have led me to it. I've neglected my body tremendously over the past 3 years so I'm also planning on beginning a strength training and healthful eating program. Quitting Adderall is something I think about every day. I have never looked forward to something in my life so much yet been so terrified of it at the same time. I have enjoyed reading all your stories and found them inspirational - I hope to stay in touch with this community during my own journey and will look for your support.

 

Chris