startingover

Why do I feel like we came out of the same cookie-cutter... EVERYTHING is the same except for the cigs. Right down to the dude situation, mother, weight and height. Are you starting to wean off the dosage a little bit? I took 100mgs today and was only slightly productive. Feel like such a druggie. I'm going to start taking less each day until I get down to 5 mgs STARTING NOW. Turn it into a game, maybe it'll be easier that way.

On the same boat as most of the other posters on here. Stupid boat that cannot float upright without floaters in its assistance. I've tried to quit many many times but like you and many others out there, I went right back to it after a couple of months at best. At first it turned my into a beast in academia, but now I just feel like a weak scum of an addict who cannot stop abusing their med. I want to quit, but don't know where to start and what to do differently to increase my success rate. I'm afraid that I will flush my uni GPA even more down the drain if I quit now in the middle of the school year. I cannot even consider being in that coma state again... that 2 weeks of hibernation right after stopping the med. Im desperate in going through with this endeavor, but I know that I am weak in that respect. Cant help but wonder how everyone else did it and kept themselves clean for so long. I've always believed that I could do everything and anything I put my heart and mind to, but it just isnt happening for me now... maybe because I've only got the heart and no mind. Cutting out Adderall would be directly cutting out a part of my brain. My psychologist talked me into taking it again after I tried to quit the last time. She convinced me that I needed it and that without it I will fail. She only doubled my true incentive to go back to that nasty habit. I wonder if she knows that I abuse it, it is obvious when a patient says they have developed tolerance. Anyway... I guess every time I went back for a prescription, I saved a glimmer of hope within me that I would experience a do-over with the drug and experience how it had helped me before. I was so productive on it the first 2 years, now I just stare into space or do irrelevant things on a ridiculous dosage above prescription levels. Seems like all I do now is wait for the drug to kick in while knowing that it probably wont. So much time wasted... I feel utterly pathetic. My eyes are always dilated and I am always consciously avoiding eye contact with everyone I speak to. Every once in a while I step into reality and get a quick glimpse of how I've destroyed my life, my mental capacities and abilities in carrying out everyday activities and most of all my relationship with every person who cared. Tonight is one of those times... the only difference is that I'm taking action (however little effort this is) and seeking help from you - the ones who know too well what this path is like and the construct of all of its contours. How did you succeed? I've read the responses to most of the posts, and I know this one isn't any different but will you pretend you are talking to a baby? Or a patient suffering from mental retardation? Go into details on what you did, one step at a time. It is just so fucking hard... and I can't do it on my own anymore.