BarbieDahl

Thanks for all of the good ideas, advice and prayers. There's no question that I'm afraid to quit. First, because the sadness will no longer be temporarily masked. I'm afraid of it at it's full fury. And believe me, it's REAL. A hopelessness and despair that I'm afraid will put me back in the mental hospital. But you all say that during withdrawal depression is to be expected, and that it won't last forever, right? (gulp) Does anyone know if there are rehabs that handle Adderall? I fear that to really kick it I may need some real help for a long time. Oh, and one other problem I'll need to figure out. My husband takes Adderall 30mg! For him it works as intended for his ADHD and is not a problem at all. So, I'll just make him keep it at his work. Just thinking out loud, I guess. Keep the advice coming if you can.

Hi, I'm a newbie here, and I desperately need some good advice. I am so relieved to have found this site because finally someone understands this horrible pit I've fallen into. Thank you for reading this. So, here's my story... I have always been the happy-go-lucky, social butterfly. A hard working sales rep, but always up for fun, traveling, organizing girl's getaways, etc. Then, after I had my first child, at age 30, I started getting depression. My mom had it REAL bad for many years, so I wasn't that surprised. I started an anti-depressant, went on my way, and did fine for a couple years. Then, I had my second child, and my depression got worse. The prozac stopped helping. So I started seeing a shrink and trying different meds. The anti-depressants I tried would work for a while, six months, a year, but then they'd stop, and I'd have to try something else. Well, in 2005, it started to really get worse. I started getting really anxious on top of feeling sad. And I didn't feel so comfortable being around people anymore, going on sales calls, making conversations. Even talking with friends felt awkward and nervewracking. I wanted to just hole up in my house. So, I took a leave of absence from work,started weekly therapy, and tried once again to pull myself together. But nothing was working. My Dr. started putting me on "med cocktails," which sometimes would work, but never lasted. I've seen about 5 different shrinks over the past 12 years, have been psychologically tested, tried ECT (electroshock therapy), and even voluntarily went inpatient for a horrible few days to try to break this cycle. But no luck. Then, in 2007, my current shrink, this big deal "expert," added Adderall XR to my meds. And it helped! I felt better. I could get out of bed, I wanted to take a shower, regained some interest in life and doing things and seeing friends. I started to feel like the "old" fun me. I was back! Thank God. Finally. But, you know how this story goes, right? It didn't last. I started noticing that after I took it, I'd almost feel high. But it was sooo much better than feeling hopeless and sad. And after a couple of hours, I'd crash. HARD. Like despair on speed. And that is how I've been feeling practically every day since 2007. I take it, can get up and function a couple of hours, then I start to slide, so I take my second dose, back up again, but by 5:00 PM most days, I'm so sad, and edgey and mad and my despair is magnified.I end up taking ativan to numb it down, and am then exhausted. I have talked to my shrink about it numerous times, telling him point blank I know I'm addicted, that it gives me daily, extreme mood swings, etc., but he basically says I need it. He's switched me to Vyvanse and Strattera, same effects. I switched Drs again. The new one told me the same. That I probably need it to function. I have weekly therapy and my therapist doesn't even know what to tell me to do. My husband disagrees. He says I'm not me anymore. That I need to get off it. That I'm either temporarily mildly happy and productive, or extremely sad and anxious. So, I tried quitting on my own. But after two days, I was catatonic and crying in bed at 9 in the morning. My husband took off work to try to help me through it, but we couldn't do it. Even he gave up. So I'm trapped. I feel like the only way I can function is with it, but with it, I am not really living anymore. I still avoid friends and neighbors, I haven't been able to go back to work, I rarely feel up to doing things I used to enjoy, I NEVER go out at night, and am always trying to pretend I'm OK, and hide my lows and sadness from my kids. Adderall has literally taken away my life. But I don't know how to quit. I don't know what the alternative is. I sooo envy people I know who have normal lives still. Thank you so much if you have made it this far and are still reading. I would sooo appreciate any advice you can give me. It has GOT to get better than this. My meds: Adderall XR 30 mg twice a day Lexapro 30 mg Buspar 30 mg twice a day propanolol 20 mg twice a day seroquel 25 mg at bedtime Vayarin 2 pills a day vitamins, etc. ativan as needed (usually 1 mg/day total)