Serena

9 plus months clean to relapse

35 posts in this topic

Well basically I was on here over 9 months ago when I quit Add for what I thought was for good. I posted my story on here back in June 2012. Basically I have been doing really good and after the withdrawal period of a few weeks when I first quit I haven't really had a craving. I even noted to a friend the other day that it had been almost 10 months since I quit Add. She told me how proud she was and said I had such strong willpower. Yesterday I had a doctors appointment to refill other prescriptions and I immediately knew I wanted to get Add. Just out of the blue! I even have it stated in my file that I am not to be prescribed Add because it triggers my eating disorder, and the doctor filled it. I told him that I felt really conflicted about asking but that I thought I needed a little Add to make it through the final push of the semester. He said that he was ok with it since it had been my choice to go off it and put in my file to not give it to me. He asked how many I needed and I said not many, since I was seriously feeling conflicted inside. He ended up writing a script for 15 15mg pills.

I of course got it filled yesterday and took half of a pill. I felt a serious high/rush and got super focused on projects. I told myself that it was "different" this time since I had been sober for so long and could obviously do without Add. I promised myself I wouldn't take it every day and would eat every few hours. Blah, blah, the fucking pill won over. I took it again this morning and have already noticed the negative affects. I feel so guilty and as if I ruined all the time I had free from this horrible drug. I am in grad school and have been doing excellent without Add. I actually think that Add makes my work worse since I nitpick everything and get super perfectionistic.

I just can't believe I made the choice to get Add again. I was conscious and I take responsibility for it but the addict part of me was in control and now I feel awful. I have been reading over past journal entries about when I quit before and I feel like if I flush the stuff now I will have only relapsed for 1 1/2 days. But the thought of flushing it is hard since I am rationalizing things away. "I spent $25 yesterday, I should at least take this for a few more days." "I will only take it recreationally." I feel very disappointed in myself. I am completely sober in all areas of my life and have struggled with other addictions and beat them and I thought I beat this one too...any advice or words of encouragement would be awesome. I know what I need to do I think I just need someone else who understands to tell me why I SHOULD get rid of the shit immediately. Thanks for reading.

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I would say you should do it because it's a better use of $25 to be sober again from here on out (with minimal withdraws).

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thank you for posting that. It is helpful to read the fail relapse stories so we (I) don't have to relapse too, thinking "hey it'll be different this time..." "bla bla bla..." "bs lies I tell myself cuz addict". so yeah, thank you for posting....

btw, I think it's bad to flush pharmaceuticals. It messes with the water department's treatment of the sewage.

http://www.nodrugsdownthedrain.org/NoDrugs/

http://www.nrdc.org/thisgreenlife/1109.asp

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I know being sober again would be well worth that money I spent. I am just working my self up to getting rid of it. I know its bad to flush it, I will dispose of it another way. I have been playing guitar and reading posts. I am waiting to talk to a friend so that I can get rid of it while I am on the phone with him. I know it's not too late to get back on track. This was just a minor slip. I am going to make a positive choice and grieve the Add again.

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Who gives a crap! Flush it IMMEDIATELY!!! Just get rid of it! You're clean time is NOT ruined. As long as you STOP taking it and get right back on track, consider it a "slip". Your clean time still counts as long as you don't go into a full blown relapse. Flush it and then come post!!

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lol.... there are ways of destroying and getting rid of meds that aren't flushing them. I didn't realize that it was bad until recently, but once you know something is bad- and bad for all, it's morally corrupt to say fuck it do it anyway. If we lived in a society where we all did that, it would be fucked. So, as profound and as symbolic as it is to flush, it's bad to do so. And as members of society, and we're all in this together, and as part of leading a good and moral life (or trying to) you can't rightly say it's ok to do something that's bad to do. anyway. flushing meds is a cumulative problem that affects us all.

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Ok, but just saying...IF it were me...and I was rolling the dice with my life on the line by not getting rid of my Adderall....I would do WHATEVER it took to just get rid of them as fast as possible and make sure there was NO WAY I could get them back. Again, I'm just saying if it were me. I have no idea what is right for anyone else. I do hear what you're saying about it being bad to flush them though. Understood.

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Well I got rid of it. Sorry Sky, I flushed it. My friend was on the phone with me while I did it, otherwise I might not have been able to get rid of it. If I would of thrown it in the trash, who knows, tomorrow morning I would search through it and take it. Gross, but probably true. I just needed it GONE. I know I made the right choice. I feel weary but know that tomorrow will be better. Thanks for the support. This was just a slip and I plan to keep my commitment to myself: I don't need Adderall. I deserve better. I will take it one day at a time. Next time a craving comes, I will RESIST. I am back on track

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I am SO PROUD of you!!!! That is awesome!! You've got to feel so relieved, I hope? It could've been so bad, but you pulled through and you did it!! Pat yourself on the back my friend! :)

Just remember, that it is NORMAL to revert to old behavior. There is nothing wrong with you or anything like that!! I think as long as you can see this experience as an opportunity to plan for the future, then the sky is the limit! At least now you know it might be helpful to create some preventive strategies ahead of time before going to see the doctor. Maybe like having a friend to call for support during and after the visit. Or getting a new doctor even?

Also, I wanted to mention how AWESOME it is that you were able to see how Adderall was actually hurting you more than it was helping. That is SO FANTASTIC that you've done so well the last 9 months! Just think, now you can move forward into the next year already knowing you are better off without Adderall and will be able to accomplish whatever you set your mind to! And you didn't have to waste any time slipping back into the gates of hell from this crap. HOoray!!!! Hugs!!

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Serena,

Like LilTex said, so proud of you! That's your sober brain fighting the addiction, and sobriety from adderall won! I'm sure it was hard, and maybe you won't feel super excited about it now, but you will! You're back on track, and you should be so glad you did it!!! Seriously, seriously happy for you.

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YES!!! Go Serena!!

It's a good thing you flushed it while you had the motivation, because after being months or even years clean from something, just one little taste can be all you need to start down that slope. Sometimes there is a moment of clarity after one little relapse, but after that, if you take it again (and again, and again....) your brain/body chemistry changes and it becomes harder and harder to turn back. Glad you took advantage of that moment before it was too late.

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Good JOB!!! It takes sooo much to say this is a bad idea! I went ten years between bouts and obviously didn't have your strength at the time. It's wonderful you did :)

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So I have been feeling unmotivated since getting rid of the Add on Thursday. Luckily on Friday I was distracted all day and had a good time with friends. I went for a nice hike yesterday and then went to a concert. Now I am alone and have all this work I need to do but this awful voice in my head keeps saying how "easy" it would have been if I had Add. I know that is a lie, since I am capable to do work on my own, but it is draining. I am going to set small tasks for myself and set a timer. I am still glad I got rid of the Add, I think my brain chemistry is rewriting itself after I messed it up by taking Add for 1 1/2 days...sigh. What an evil pill. I am ready to be back to not even thinking about Add!

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It's SUCH a slippery slope..... Glad you tossed it....! I had toyed with thoughts of relapsing a couple weeks ago, thinking I could have a "controlled relapse" on "small doses" taking it only 1-2 times a week or whatever..... Thankfully I with some help I talked myself out of it. What you're experiencing reminds me of what has REALLY always happened to me with relapse. One taste and I'm done. It feels like it helps, and then I fall right back into that mentality. Better to just forget about it-- hate on it!--let it go!--forget it ever happened!

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Occasional01-

For people like us who have addictive tendencies/personalities there is no such thing as a "controlled relapse." I am glad you talked yourself out of it!! I can't have just one taste, I will immediately want more and more and MORE. So for me with Add and other drugs I have been addicted to, it is really black-and-white. I cannot use and need to avoid the drug at all costs. Resist is my new motto to myself in relation to cravings. I am much better off without a drug to crack me out and ultimately make me feel untrue to myself. Here's to moving forward and letting go of Add!

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"a controlled relapse" on "small doses"

lol haha lol....good one, occasional1!

I will be laughing all day at that line. thanks!

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"a controlled relapse" on "small doses"

lol haha lol....good one, occasional1!

I will be laughing all day at that line. thanks!

HAHA, I forgot to include the rest of the line, which makes it even funnier!:

"Smart idea." Exact words. I was thinking it would be a "smart idea" to have a "controlled relapse" using only "small doses." Rationalizing it. You know, to help me get an "edge" on things. LOL!!!! At the time I was fully serious and thought this could work! So ridiculous!

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HAHA, I forgot to include the rest of the line, which makes it even funnier!:

"Smart idea." Exact words. I was thinking it would be a "smart idea" to have a "controlled relapse" using only "small doses." Rationalizing it. You know, to help me get an "edge" on things. LOL!!!! At the time I was fully serious and thought this could work! So ridiculous!

You know what? I think it happens to all of us. I was thinking the exact same thing today. "Just 2.5mg twice a day" I told myself. "Just enough for a bump, like a cup of coffee". Geez!! Shows you the addict in us never really goes away does it.

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Haha! Wow! 2.5 mg! That's pretty good.... probably wouldn't do anything.... hahaha by "controlled relapse in small doses" I meant like 20 mg per day, two 10's! In either case it's the self-deceptive addict part of the mind.

Part of what got me through my previous quitting process was continually reminding myself I had too much work to do to ever take adderall. Can't get behind, can't burn out, it's 24/7 ride or die.

Like you said MFA, the edge it temporarily provides to get us "ahead" eventually always leaves us that far behind. Even 2.5 mg behind! :)

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I'm really regretting my decision to chuck mine today. A friend just got back from overseas and I have a completely legitimate excuse to go back. First thought is go see the doctor. Just do it. You feel like ass either way so what's the big deal? Least you'll fit in your pants you fat ass. And that's the conversation I'm having with myself. I'm reveling in self pity and exhaustion and am blaming everyone right now( except me of course, noooo couldn't be my own fault, neeeeeeever) fml dude. This sucks.

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Calo-

It will get better. It never feels good to throw it away and a part of you, the addict, will be screaming awful things about how you should have kept it, or to go get more. All I can say is RESIST. Distract yourself and try to do something nice for yourself. You know getting more would not be what you want. No need to beat yourself up, you actually did something good for yourself! Just take it one day at a time.

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Calo,

I second Serena. Getting rid of your stash was probably hard as crap, but that was YOU, not the addict you making an excellent decision. It's so normal in early recovery to have terrible days when you just feel like shit, but it's VITAL to get the "I just should go back" thoughts out of your head. That would be like trying to find the solution to the temporary discomfort with the one thing that is the culprit of your problems. I truly believe the difference between those who relapse and those who are still on the path is realizing just that. Just remember those thoughts are the addict in you, so try to redirect your thoughts....like right now. Hang in there!

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Thanks guys. Its kinda epic how nice it felt to come on here and see words of encouragement from people who get how bad this sucks. Most people haven't ever dealt with an addiction so it's more of a," Well you brought this on yourself.... Evvvveryone knows drugs r bad m'kay?" I did do something nice for myself. I bought a bangin'!!! new pair of sidewalk surfers. I'd worn my others right through the soles. Figured I deserved it with all the money I've saved by not buying adderall or doctor visits. And I got that book the artists way. I started reading it this afternoon and fell asleep. Gotta love spontaneous nap time. Oh the irony. Art projects still scattered about the room.

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Oh Calo...I feel ya. Doctors visits and addies to purchase..and the bits and pieces of creativity left behind. This site and you guys make me feel. Laugh and cry at the same time.

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I did finish redoing this ghetto particle board bookshelf with black paint and an old book I ripped up and Modge podged on. It's so half assed. I don't like it but it does hold books, or will when it dries. stuff always looks nicer on Pinterest. Think I may try and find some old maps and try again....eventually. That alone was a serious struggle.

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