Ruined my life and felt good doing it

[Rth3806]

I can say 100% now that taking and becoming terribly addicted to adderall ruined my life professionally and socially. I the past year and a half I have lost a girlfriend of 6 years, many friends, family and tons of $. I build swimming pools for a living and have my own business. I started taking adderall every once and a while when I had strenuous work days to help me through. I would take one 20mg xr and is be set. A year and a half later I take sometimes over 200mg Ir a day, everyday. I'm being self destructive as the things I love and cherish start slipping away from me. I know I need to stop and I wish I could. I can't. The worst part is nobody knows. I'm currently with a new girlfriend of 6 months and even she doesn't know. Everyone just thinks I work alot. Every now and then I get severe panic attacks. Or if I run out I slip into a deep depression. So deep that I sometimes think about killing myself. I never would but its sick the thought passes through my mind. I feel myself killing my body. No sleep no food tons of cigarettes. I've tried stopping many of times. Cold turkey and gradually. I just can't do it. At this rate this time next year ill be up to 500mg a day. I know the only choice I had is to go to rehab but I can't do that either. Any other remedies on quitting slowly?

[ashley6]

Ugh. Welcome to the boards, but sorry you've discovered the evils of adderall addiction. Since you've said you've tried gradually quitting before, and it didn't work for you, in my opinion, it would be extremely hard to do, since as adderall addicts we are unable to control our usage. How serious are you about quitting? If serious, I suggest making a plan, probably taking some time off of work. At the end I was taking 100-120 mgs a day, and I was a 103 pound girl. Tapering just wasn't an option for me because I was far too addicted. I truly believe if you make the choice to quit, you can do it...even if it has to be cold turkey. Others will chime in with their opinion, but that's my two cents. You've found the right place!!!

[Rth3806]

It's tough. Of course I could take some time away from work if it meant getting healthy again. But from past experience and taking smaller dosages the withdrawals were terrible. They were do terrible people thought I was on drugs when really it was the opposite. People wonder why im acting different. It's scary almost how bad it was. Now taking over 200mg a day which is double when I first tried to stop I can only imagine. It's going to take at least 30 days of misery and rest to start feeling better to work again I know if. I can't take a month of work. Especially right now during my busy season. I feel so unhealthy, my feeling are all synthetic. I feel like a fake and a cheater. But every day that goes by I still wake up in the morning and throw back 60-80mg in one shot. Before I even wipe the crust out of my eyes or even take a morning piss, I got right for my bottle. It's disgusting. Thanks for letting me vent on here and the response. I haven't told anybody. Everybody thinks I'm ok and deep down I'm crying for help. I'm afraid my girlfriend, the only person I truly care about will be devestated and angry with me I've hid this from her as we have a real open relationship. I'm stuck

[BeHereNow]

HI and welcome,

It sounds like a lot of what you're going through is pretty normal for adderall addiction, from everything I've learned on here..... how the addiction quickly spirals out of control, feeling depressed hungry and underslept, isolated because the addiction starts to become like this "dirty secret,"  feeling "like a fake and a cheater" (I have called myself a "fraud and a failure" way too many times to count.....)  I feel you on the morning pills too, I used to take a few before I could even get out of bed in the morning. 

 

I think Ashley is right--if you're serious about this you might consider cutting yourself off--it might be way too much temptation to wean.  I told myself so many times I could wean off of it, but it took me being full-on cut off from dosages not unlike yours for me to quit.  Cold turkey.  Ugh.

 

If you ARE serious about quitting, and also if you truly value the openness of your relationship with your lady (that kind of relationship is NOT easy to find!), I would really recommend finding a way to tell her.  There must be a way to explain it as a step towards greater honesty and openness, rather than as something you've been keeping from her intentionally.  Addiction is an illness.  Secrecy is the nature of the adderall monster, and secrecy helps feed it.  Trust me, you are going to need her support if you are serious about quitting.  But even if you're not ready to quit yet, telling someone close to you can take you one step closer to freeing yourself of the adderall monster.     On the other hand, if she can't handle it, then the relationship probably won't survive you quitting anyways--- and it probably won't survive your continued addiction because one of the most common themes on here is that adderall addiction DESTROYS relationships.  So the sooner you quit, and the sooner you tell her, the better. My 2 cents. 

[Rth3806]

I completely agree with you 110%. I know action needs to be taken if I want to move forward. I feel like I'm treading water so to speak. Eventually I'm gonna burn out and drown. The only way to move one step forward is to start by taking 5 steps back. I guess I'm just scared. It's easier the way things are now. Once I make these changes and put myself all in I know things are going to get really really bad. Everything in my life will be effected and I'm nervous it may be so bad I may not be able to come out of it. I'm putting my work and my relationship at risk, the two most important things in my life besides myself. It's really hard to make that move knowing I could somehow lose both. The worst case scenario is just way to much for me to handle. Of course I can start over, get a new gf and build business back up. I won't have the energy or drive to do that for a long time, I will mud up my name and it will just seem too overwhelming. I don't know what is do at that point. That's why I'm seeking any sort of advice, tips, remedies, secrets. Anything I can do or try before resorting to putting all that at risk.

I've tried stopping cold turkey cause that is the only way for me to avoid temptation. I drink numerous red bulls 5 hr energys and coffee all day and I barely get any effects. I obv can't stop until I tell my gf what's going on or else she's going to see me on my death bed and be taken by surprise.

[Rth3806]

I've never lied to my gf....ever. Not even a little white lie. We are so open and so honest with each other it's just perfect. She is going to be hurt when I tell her. And what we have that is so perfect is going to be fractured. Once it's fractured it can never be repaired. And it's going to be because of me. It's really tough

[Rth3806]

When we first met I knew I was in loge with her. I needed to know of I felt the same off adderall and it gave me motivation to stop. So I did. I slept for 2 dys straight, was extremely fatigued and didn't communicate well with her. She was dxtremely turned off and I almost lost her. To save my relationship I went back on. I told her that I was tking meds for my ADHD and I was stopping and I just needed those cpl days to recover. Day 3 or 4 I got more pills and told her withdrawls were over and I was of the drugs. Since then I have taken everyday. We have grown so close and out relationship is so pure I'm afraid to lose that. I don't know I I can handle losing her and quittin these evil pills. I hope she understands cause I'm going to have to tell her.

[LILTEX41]

If she truly loves you then I think she will want to support you and help you get better.   You can do this!

[Jon]

You will need your GF's support during your quit, so you must come clean with her first. Show her this website and Mike's articles so she can partner up with you. I know the shame is looming large, but it diminishes after we start telling people close to us.

 

You are at really high dosages. If you can taper down to half that for a while, it may make your quit more appealing to you...give you some confidence that you can shut down Adderall once and for all. You have found the right place for support, so feel good about that. Now you are ready to take another step forward.

[Rth3806]

I am really happy I found this site. I thought I was alone on this. Ive read article after article and its just insane how many people feel or have felt the same way. This drug is god awful. I've never really messed with petscroptiom pills or drugs for that matter. I'm a strong minded person In every other aspect of life. But when it comes to this, I'm a Sucker. I know everyday I'm wrong, I know what I'm doing and I know where the road will eventually lead, but I continue. The physical and phsycological bearing adderal has over me is more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my 25 years of existstance. I can't believe I let it get this out of control. I have 90 20mgir pills left and 10 30 mg ir left. That's about a weeks worth. I think I'm gonna try to drag it out 2 weeks and stop. In the next two weeks I will find a way to tell her what's going to happen and Im going to give it another try. I'm gonna end up dying from this shit if I don't. Once taken to enhance my life now it's threatening to take my life. Only in about 2 years time too. Sick shit. I've been taking. 200+mg a day for about I'd say 6 months now. Anyone have any experiences coming off of dosages like this?

[Zerokewl]

Might be a good time to use some of your holidays after you quit. You will be very sleepy initially no point fighting it. 

[JustinW]

I hope that your girl will be more understanding and helpful than you are saying.  You need to be honest with everyone that is close to you in your life.  It's not an easy path but you are on the road to destruction right now.  I didn't have the full support of my wife at first but she eventually saw the light when I started to turn back into my old self.  Do you really want a girl that doesn't love the real you?

 

With your heavy usage you really need to involve a pdoc to help you manage things as you quit.  Things could get really sketchy for you.  I don't think it's safe for you to try to go through this without a really good support network.

[Rth3806]

So I didn't take any adderall as of yesterday morning. Yesterday was ok, a little sluggish but tolerable. But this morning, holy hell, It was unbearable. There is absolutely no way I can do it cold turkey. I'm going to sit my gf down tonight and I'm going to tell her. I have to. After feeling what I felt this morning I'm super scared. I won't be able to do this alone and I'm praying shell understand. Thanks for all the input everybody. It means a lot knowing I have support out there. I'll keep u posted.

[JustinW]

It's gonna be tough buddy but it sounds like you are making steps in the right direction.  Build your support structure as much as you can now because you won't have the energy to do it later.

[Jon]

_{I've been taking. 200+mg a day for about I'd say 6 months now. Anyone have any experiences coming off of dosages like this?}

 

 

 

That is a very high dosage and there are only a few people here who have taken that much...and no one who didn't enter a state of Adderall induced psychosis. I think it would be wise of you to consult with a physician or a detox center.

[Zerokewl]

Jon's droppin truth bombs dude. Your gonna wanna get ready to crash. 

[Rth3806]

Ya man. I'm taking adderall just to fight off withdrawals at this point. I'm up to 260mg today and I feel normal. Not high not low just normal. I'm formulating a plan to slowly come off with the pills I have left.

[Rth3806]

Ugh I've my gf is home now and I don't think I can do it. It's going to be a lot. My life is going to come to a screeching halt after I tell her. If she stays by my side for this, which im planning on, she will make sure that it gets taken care of. And I need that. She's stronger than me in that department. I give in to temptation to easily. But then It'll start my decent off adderall which is going to be absolutely miserable. Im planning on 2 months its going to take to start feeling better. A month of it is going to be spent home in my bed. It's going to be depressing and lonely. I'm going to miss out on a lot of money with my work. Since I own my own business I am prepared to lose some customers as I can't tell them I'm addicted to prescription pills. I'm pretty much going to be MIA to everyone for a while. People like to judge and I carry a name around town. I'm a reputable trustworthy business man and can not let that get ruined. But the way things are going if I don't put an end to this now I'm going to end up having a damn heart attack. I took 300mg today. I'm not a tweaker. I sleep I eat just like normal. Bt that's the problem. It takes me that much to feel normal. It's starting to scare me. Especially feeling how I did this morning trying to stop cold turkey. Unbearable. Thanks again for listening.

[lunax]

I recently came out to my fiancé and best friend. Much to my surprise they have been supportive, understanding, and are trying to help me deal with this. Please tell her...It will be freeing for you and a step in the right direction.

Keep us posted.

[Cassie]

I agree with the others - if you tell a loved one about an addiction they will be more supportive than you think. I was terrified to tell my then boyfriend (now husband) about it but he was cool and wasn't judgmental at all. I stressed out about telling him for months and then one day just blurted out "I'm addicted to prescription amphetamines!" during a phone call. So, if you need an opener, feel free to use that one . Seriously, just start the conversation out like that, get it over with and go from there.

[waronwar]

Cassie, I have done that a few times... well I started my relationship out telling him everything. To my surprise he fell in love w/ me and my honesty. I still have to blurt that out b/c he is so different, as far as drugs/ medicines go, and doesn't understand... But he will get it eventually. I am able to be real. Some people don't take it so well.... Can make matters worse. It's complicated but if they really love you they will learn to understand and stand by you... help you get better This dependence is complicated...the ones you can trust that don 't judge, reach out to them.

 

As always, if you can make it through my dyslexic, rambling, trying to type self...Then thank you for following along.

 

XXX

[BeHereNow]

I have to agree, I don't know your girl but I'd be surprised if she wasn't supportive.   Especially since this is something you're just finally realizing/ admitting to yourself.....and you could tell her that!  That way you're in it together.  

 

In terms of those high dosages.... I have to agree that you probably need the support of a dr.  And I think a wean is probably in order too.  But you CAN do this.  It's going to take some time. 

 

Maybe you can take some leave time from work for an illness?

 

Let us know how it goes.... people here support you!

[Rth3806]

Ok so I told her last night. I had it planned to talk to her but it didn't go the way I wanted I was in the shower and she walked in with my pills and was like can you explain these? So I got out of the shower and let her read this thread. At first she was about half way down and I saw her getting mad. Bt when she was finished she got real emotional and told me shed be here every step of the way. She was so supportive. We talked for a while about it and everything was good. It really lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Thanks for all your support guys and I know I can do this. There is no other option. Thanks again all.

[Jon]

Congratulations! The first step is always the hardest. Get professional advise on how to approach coming down from your current levels. Keep us posted. Good luck.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Oh wow. I'm so sorry you're in this place. I can almost feel your depression and paranoia seeping through in your writing.

I agree 100 percent with what everyone here has said, and a few other little thoughts as I read through your posts:

You say your relationship with your gf is pure, but the foundation of it is built on lies. Seems like you have 3 options: tell her and quit, and ask for her support and apologize and hope your relationship is strong enough to survive; don't tell her and quit, and risk losing her that way (which sounds like no bigger a risk than the former, except you won't have been honest with her about the reasons for the change); or don't quit (and either tell her or don't tell her). All of those options suck. Every one of them. I'm so sorry. Only you can decide which path you want to take. The worst thing you can do is not make a decision because then the drug will make the decision for you, and on the doses you are on, with the lack of sleep and nutrition and water, I would say that amphetamine psychosis is right around the corner (it happened to me and I lost my (kinda big) career and nearly my husband).

One other observation: you really want to be able to enjoy life - that's probably why you started your own business in the first place. You were a lover of freedom and probably enjoyed the creativity and opportunity that it brought.

Adderall has stolen that from you. All the things that made you successful, adderall has taken from you. But the good news is, you have the ultimate power over the drug, not the other way around!

You seem like a strong person. If you can channel what strength you have left in believing there is hope, that things will eventual get better, and that in order to survive, you will have to take some course of action, then you will be ok. Just don't let that bitch of a drug do all the decision making for you.

And stay close! We know what you're going through and can help you. So sorry you're in this place.

So what will you decide? Will you tell her? Will you quit?