oyvey Posted November 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Congrats on your 5 months. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Like Jon I was exhausted and stressed all day except the first few hours despite taking 60-120 mg Vyvanse every day. I couldn't function without a pill, yet my productivity was at an all-time low. I couldn't sleep without taking Ambien.  My stress and constant hyper-focusing on myself was hurting my relationship and friendships. I couldn't get through an evening without binging on wine to cope with the crash. I had a job interview and my only concern was getting the exact dosage of adderall right so I wouldn't come across as jittery and weird. Needless to say, the interview didn't go well. These were all the things I thought about during my final months of adderall/vyvanse before finally deciding to quit. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 It even crossed my mind to switch to Vyvanse, but I still thought i would be chasing and chasing. Moderation clearly isn't my strong point anymore. I found my achilles heel. I worked in bars and clubs for over a decade and had no interest in partaking in ANYTHING. This crap comes up to help me with daily life and BAM, zero to abuse in less than 3 months. I've read so many different websites with people saying, I thought this was my savior and what i've been missing..not even meaning high and abusive..but 90% of them said that phase wore off and it got ugly. It seems like there should be speakers in school giving warnings about it. I know some people respond well and don't abuse, but it seems unanimous that when you stop taking it over time- you are in big trouble even at low doses. End of rant. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 I feel like the old man of the message board starting 40yrs old as opposed to back in the school days. If you don't mind me asking Cassie, what was the highest dose that you go to? i took 20-40 mg per day. I was more of a daily maintenance user, not a binger. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 It even crossed my mind to switch to Vyvanse, but I still thought i would be chasing and chasing.  Vyvanse has the same addictive qualities and negative side effects as adderall so you're right not to go that direction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Amazing to be a maintenance user and still have to go through hell just to stop. Seems so wrong, but big Pharma is rollin in it$$ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 It makes sense to me now why you can't get refills and you need to see your doctor to get another script. I saw it as, crap I have to pay you again for the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted November 22, 2013 Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Amazing to be a maintenance user and still have to go through hell just to stop. Seems so wrong, but big Pharma is rollin in it$$i used for a long time, over five years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2013 Tomorrow will be my first weekend day clean. Im a little apprehensive about it. Weekends for me are at a slower pace and more time to want to play brain games with this awful drug. I have scheduled some work, shopping and minor social stuff to try to keep busy. I know I won't always have the option of being busy and I need to be okay with that. Turning to a pill to fill a void is not an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Okay, so i knew I knew I was eventually going to get punched in the face with withdrawal symptoms and it came hard yesterday. I was so flippin' depressed from the time I woke up till the time I went to bed. I had the worst kinds of thoughts that come with depression. I kept myself in company that normally would keep me completely content sober, but yesterday I was yawning and tired. I drank 2 cups of coffee spaced out about 2hours from each other maybe that was a bad idea. I just can't believe how hard depression hit. There wasn't a thing in the world aside from the obvious that could have brought me back to not being depressed other than adderall. $1,000,000 in my lap and i still would have been severely depressed. Today I was depressed and tired but not extreme thoughts. I didn't expect such a delay since the 18th was the last time i abused. Holy crap I thought I was doing well and BAM. Im pretty bummed. I deserve whats coming because as an adult I knowingly went against the docs orders and went to town for the last few days, but honestly didn't think it would be so deep chemically rooted to cause such extreme depression like flicking on a switch. I guess i just anticipated it sooner and more slowly drawn out. I now know why people have the urge to hop right back on the train. It's gonna a tough recovery. The pill i thought was the cure made me so blind and stupid to its power. Im trying to find solace in that this is temporary and it will improve..but right now that's honestly not comforting at all. Every up has a down....a really,really big down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 I answered part of my post after reading it from a different viewpoint. With caffeine I'm still chasing a high of sorts and not okay with just being sober. I'm sure it's adds fuel for my mood swings. I guess being cranky on a regular basis, I will eventually become my own chemical free high. This fckin depression is the worst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted November 25, 2013 Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 My wake up calls included getting fired, geting dumped and spinning so out of control I woke up after a binger asking myself How did I get here? What the fuck happened to my life! I am still rebuilding and cleaning up my mess. I hit rock bottom particularily hard.  The depression can be horrible. Manage it best you can. For me the thing that really helped was adopting a kitten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Thanks for your input and sorry about your rock bottom. I have 3 pets so unfortunately i can't afford anything new but with the depression I'm not being a very good pet parent. The emotional connections to things I loved prior to adderall have been very numbed. One day at a time I guess. Just bummed. My motivation to work harder has taken a huge dive. I have to be patient. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted November 25, 2013 Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Welcome to the suck. It gets better I promise. For now try to coast through life don't make any big plans. Durring this period I watched a lot of Netflix and slept. I really had to force my self to do anything. Motivation Follows Action.  Essentially your brain is recalibrating for normal levels of dopamine. It's really the worst part of the withdrawl and the most confusing. This why alot of people relapse without support.      When the darkness passes the first rays of light will be glorious.   1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2013 Thanks for the support. I went to an NA meeting recently. I admire there commitment and respect for the process, but I really feel like i didn't fit in and was very uncomfortable for some reason. I didn't have trouble admitting I was an addict, but there was just some communication barrier or something that I couldn't get past.  Years ago I used to go to AA meetings{voluntarily} even though i was a drinker AT ALL, but i went because I liked their company..meeting people to hang out with sober etc. They all seemed like really cool people. Of course I wasn't seeing them at their worst and wasted etc, but the vibe there was oddly different. I mean no disrespect to any in either program. Kudos for your effort to get your train on the right track. If i wasn't so broke, Id be less scared of the downtime and watching Netflix etc. I hope Santa has a big bag of orange addys for me. JUST KIDDING! I just want my heart and mind back..being able to "feel" real emotion again would be a gift. At this point I don't even feel worthy of being someone's date let alone boyfriend. Well, this is my journal for Monday morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2013 Caffeine free aint easy. I was never a pounder of it and never tried any red bull kinda stuff, but I do miss coffee as well as the obvious. I think in general for me the hardest part of this is the depression and tiredness. I don't feel sick, headaches or anything really physical. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted November 28, 2013 Report Share Posted November 28, 2013 Why are you abstaining from caffeine? Are you taking any tyrosine for your depression? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2013 I just figured id try to avoid the highs and lows considering my depression. I wouldn't say by any means right now the coffee part is permanent. I haven't been taking anything other than B complex, omega's and magnesium/calcium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted November 28, 2013 Report Share Posted November 28, 2013 may I recommend Netflix Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted November 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2013 I'm on it as we speak. I like the documentaries and a certain comedy series about weed lol. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blesbro Posted December 5, 2013 Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 How you doing man? Hanging in there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Thanks for asking. It's been one bad thing after the other recently and to top it off someone I thought was my best friend for over 4 years that I practically dedicated my life to making hers more manageable basically told me she has too much on her plate any my depression is too much....so "hope  you get help for it". So I'm absolutely crushed. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season and she is who I have spent the past years with. Im crushed that someone I've been there for so above and beyond 24/7 just said fuck off basically. I have no family support system and just fair weather friends. She was my true friend, but clearly by her actions wasn't what I thought. I have been clean and not "craving" addy's, just thought today it would keep my mind off of being depressed and actually caring so much about today's blow. I don't have any addies anyway. I don't have any other substances, so being hurt and depressed is what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blesbro Posted December 5, 2013 Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Thanks for asking. It's been one bad thing after the other recently and to top it off someone I thought was my best friend for over 4 years that I practically dedicated my life to making hers more manageable basically told me she has too much on her plate any my depression is too much....so "hope  you get help for it". So I'm absolutely crushed. It doesn't help that it's the holiday season and she is who I have spent the past years with. Im crushed that someone I've been there for so above and beyond 24/7 just said fuck off basically. I have no family support system and just fair weather friends. She was my true friend, but clearly by her actions wasn't what I thought. I have been clean and not "craving" addy's, just thought today it would keep my mind off of being depressed and actually caring so much about today's blow. I don't have any addies anyway. I don't have any other substances, so being hurt and depressed is what it is.  Sorry to hear that. Does she know what you are going through? Were you this depressed before starting adderall? If not, you can certainly expect to get back to whatever level of well-being that you were at before starting. Quitting sucks but you will become stronger because of it. 4 years is a long time. I think once your depression subsides you'll be able to mend that relationship if it is still important to you. Anyways, we're here for you and we understand what you're going through so feel free to vent as much as you want on here. It's good that you're not craving addy anymore.  Blesbro Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyvey Posted December 5, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 She knows everything. I wasn't this depressed before adderall, but this was the icing on the cake. The hurt factor is unreal. The one person you can turn to turns their back on you in your darkest time, but you were there during their darkest year after year. I feel like such an absolute fool to overestimate what I thought was my best friend. I thought it would be a no brainer to offer a hug, comfort, something...nope- see ya later and hope you get help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shambo Posted December 5, 2013 Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 Hey buddy. Depression AND winter- sucky mcsuck suck. I'm super prone to getting the blues when I don't get enough sunlight. The lift I get from just sitting in the sun or hanging out a load of clothes on the clothes line- I actually jones for the sun. As far as substances go, The times I haven't used drugs, I use caffeine. I hate that I have a facet of my being that feels the need to be altered, but what can I do. It's there. It's always going to be there, but I can choose what I use to alter myself. I can choose to be a lazy fuck and munch pills. Or I can be a strong, healthy, happy fuck and exercise or find a little old lady that needs her windows washed or I can go pet dogs at the pound or something! I'm still building up to getting off my ass, but we don't have to be fucked up with chemicals to get through the day. Somebody, somewhere, yourself included, needs the awesome that you got! Your friend was a vampire. I'm not going to go off about that but that's the gist of it. What can you do? Be glad you aren't having to give her what tiny bit of energy you have right now. You need you right now. Zone out on tv. Do something with your hands while you watch/listen. I knit. I knit shit and take it apart and do it again. If I sit without doing anything, my brain starts the crazies. I start looking for food or making coffee..... Sorry to ramble. Wishing you luck and all the best. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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