16 Months and Still struggling

[Jazzy7]

Hi Guys,

It is been a long time since I have written but I just wanted to let you all know that I am still going strong with my recovery. I have seen quite a few improvements overall. I am more social now, I can get through a day and workout and have energy for it. But I still am so hungry all the time and my energy levels are still no where near where I want them to be. I remember all of the reasons why I quit and I don't ever want to go through the pain of quitting again but I find myself thinking about adderall frequently still and it scares me. Sometimes I just want to go back to it. I don't want to feel lazy anymore, I miss my energy, and I especially miss my body (I've gained about 25 pounds and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose it). 

I would like to hear from some people who have made it to the two year point or beyond- did you find yourself continue to get gains in energy or is this how I am going to be for the rest of my life? 

I'm willing to keep fighting but I just want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I am not doing this for nothing. 

- Feeling low and need some encouragement...

please respond

Thanks,

Jazz

[JustinW]

I'm glad to hear that you made it to the 16 month point Jazz, I am at 15 months so I can't offer encouragement in that regard but I'm sure that a 2+ year member will be along shortly to give you some hope.

[Zerokewl]

Congrats on 16 months! 

[Greg]

Congratz on all the clean time. I definitely continued to gain more energy and feel less depressed after the 16 months. This will not be the way it is for the rest of your life.  Its a continuous process of improvement from all that dopamine and norepinephrine depletion in your brain. I can say that even though I face intense adderall cravings , as recently as yesterday (For me, it tends to hit hard when i get on school break after a very difficult semester of work and studying and my brain chemicals react to what ive been through), I feel confidant that i would never ever go back to adderall. I think that confidence should continue to grow with you. The more clean time you get away from it, the more confidance you will get in your despisement of it... if that makes any sense.

 

Congratz on the 16 months. That's really awesome. You should pat yourself on the back for what you accomplished.

[Cat]

Congrats on 16 months Jazzy! I'm also at 16 months. Based on what I've read from long timers like LilTex, InRecovery, Ashley, Cassie, Quit Once, etc it seems like we will continue to gain improvement. Personally I feel really good and there is no looking back. I still have bad days but the good days far outweigh the bad.

 

The area of life where I still feel a huge difference before vs after quitting is in motivation/the illusion of productivity during the day. I am so easily distracted at work unless I really force myself to focus, whereas before I loved being "productive" developing Excel spreadsheets all day. The reason this doesn't get me down is because I know my true output is as high or higher than before. Instead of spending 2 hours on a slow day creating a masterful spreadsheet, I'm spending maybe 1 hour doing something actually valuable and another hour surfing the internet. On a busy day I am even more productive because there is no choice.

 

Sometimes when I'm facing a workday or task I reeeaally don't want to do, I'll think about adderall and how much easier things would be with a couple pills. But honestly there's no way I'd go back. I've gained maybe 5-10 pounds since quitting but I am in better shape than ever and about to run my first half marathon. My husband and I are hoping to start a family soon and being healthy and off medication is a big source of pride. I feel like there are still challenges to being adderall free, but they are sooo surmountable and worth it compared to the challenges we'd face if we started taking adderall again and had to quit, again, a few years down the road.

 

Can't wait to hear from the rest of the long timers on this topic.

[Cassie]

I remember feeling pretty crappy around the 18 month mark. I actually went to a few Pills Anonymous meetings around that time. I feel much better a year later. I'm actually considering eliminating coffee from my diet because I feel really sensitive to caffeine now, even just one cup of coffee a day. When I drink a cup of coffee as late as noon I feel wired and anxious at night. On Adderall I could drink coffee all day and it was never enough, and when I quit I was basically immune to caffeine. So, I think you will get more sensitive to stimulants (in a negative way) as time goes on, and I agree with InRecovery that you will get more confident in your hatred of speed as time goes on too. At 16 months I was still romanticizing Adderall a lot. Now, I think of it as a pill that would make me feel wired and creepy, and give me a massive headache and muscle tension.

[JustinW]

I remember feeling pretty crappy around the 18 month mark. I actually went to a few Pills Anonymous meetings around that time. I feel much better a year later. I'm actually considering eliminating coffee from my diet because I feel really sensitive to caffeine now, even just one cup of coffee a day. When I drink a cup of coffee as late as noon I feel wired at night. On Adderall I could drink coffee all day and it was never enough, and when I quit I was basically immune to caffeine. So, I think you will get more sensitive  to stimulants (in a negative way) as time goes on, and I agree with InRecovery that you will get more confident in your hatred of speed as time goes on too. At 16 months I was still romanticizing Adderall a lot. Now, I think of it as a pill that would make me feel weird, wired and creepy.  

Cassie, you are a huge encouragement for me to keep going.  I had actually put your name in my original post because I was thinking about your experience when I wrote it.  Thank you so much!

[Gigem2012]

I was prescribed and took Adderall for 2.5 years. I feel as if I took too much but never took more than the prescribed dosage. I would take 30mg a day about 3-4x a week and occasionally got up a little higher in dosage than that. I was prescribed 30mg 2x a day.

 

I have been off Adderall for 16 months and haven't felt 100% normal at any point in the past 16 months. My brain feels like it was fried during those 2.5 years. I have had blood work to check for deficiencies and do not have any. Has anyone else struggled with what I am dealing with? I constantly feel disoriented. I am obviously cognitively slower than when on Adderall and keep thinking I would return to normal but it hasn't happened. I have a full time job and just built a house but feel dumb all of the time. Could someone please help. Thanks!

[brandnewme]

Jazzy I have also been sober for 16 months (and 11 days as of today) I really relate to what you posted. I have times where I feel like my energy and motivation is coming back moreso but then it seems to go away again. It could be related to a move I just made from Florida back home to Illinois for me. I'm not sure but I am definitely going to wait it out and see as I don't feel normal yet either. I'm having high hopes for year two. I have also gained 30 pounds since getting sober and it is driving me CRAZY. Granted I know I was a skeleton on adderall and I do also have an eating disorder but really it is driving me crazy that this weight has not gone away (I was hoping it would just naturally come off after the first year)... But at the same time I'm not working out so maybe if I start that will help. Anyways I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that I'm glad you posted because it's nice to know someone is going through the same thing I am. Stay strong and God Bless. 

[TheMist]

stay strong and congrats to you! keep it up! wishing you all the best of luck!