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About Jazzy7

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  1. Sigh…. I'm feeling frustrated, tired, lazy, semi-depressed. I'm come so far, I mean 3 1/2 years!! I am proud of of that. When I was coming off of adderall, I went through serious withdrawals that f#*%n sucked so badly. Days/months I wouldn't even get out of bed. When looking back I realize just how far I have come, there are now days where I am very productive, and so full of life. I have to really push myself to do anything. There also are still days I don't want to do anything at all. I've spent the last three days not doing anything just moping around the house. I've been drinking a lot and eating like shit. I have more emotion that I can deal with. No adderall to numb this emotion, so I've been numbing through food and alcohol. I feel everything and at times it can be really tough. I probably have low energy because of how I am treating my body but just can't seem to pull myself out of it. No energy to work out, no energy to eat healthy. When I don't drink I tend to have a lot of anxiety. I've gained a lot of weight (30lbs) that also frustrates me so much, and is a source of my depression and loss of confidence. Makes me spend a lot of time alone, because i don't have the confidence to date. I am missing my zest for life- spent the last couple days researching different medications- Provigil, wellbutrin. Provigil sounds too good to be true and I'm worried it will be the same is adderall, I don't want to relapse and I refuse to. Thinking maybe wellbutrin will help. There is no way I will go back to adderall but I am seriously down right now and am worried about the thinking pattern that I am caught up in. Planning to talk to my therapist this week to see what she thinks. Is there anyone else feeling the same way? Or have been here and pulled themselves through? If so how… Although I rarely post this site has been a huge help for my recovery since day one. You guys get it. You are the only ones that get it. Please help.
  2. I really hope some people who have past the 16 month point can help us out with this topic because it does seem to be a theme and is where I am at. Is there a point that people start to see progress again?
  3. Hi Guys, It is been a long time since I have written but I just wanted to let you all know that I am still going strong with my recovery. I have seen quite a few improvements overall. I am more social now, I can get through a day and workout and have energy for it. But I still am so hungry all the time and my energy levels are still no where near where I want them to be. I remember all of the reasons why I quit and I don't ever want to go through the pain of quitting again but I find myself thinking about adderall frequently still and it scares me. Sometimes I just want to go back to it. I don't want to feel lazy anymore, I miss my energy, and I especially miss my body (I've gained about 25 pounds and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to lose it). I would like to hear from some people who have made it to the two year point or beyond- did you find yourself continue to get gains in energy or is this how I am going to be for the rest of my life? I'm willing to keep fighting but I just want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I am not doing this for nothing. - Feeling low and need some encouragement... please respond Thanks, Jazz
  4. Terrified of gaining weight

    I've been meaning to write back to your last post but this was the first chance I got... I'm glad you know we are here, and my best advice would be to keep coming to this site even if you are not ready to quit. Quitting is a definite challenge and I know for me at least it has been a lot easier knowing that there were people out there who were actually truly understanding what I was going through- no-one else, not family, not friends, and especially not doctors will be able to help you the way people on here can. As far not quitting for your wedding, I completely understand why you would want to wait and why you would want to quit. It is unbelievable hard to quit and puts a lot of stress on the body and it is hard at times to just get out of bed and take a shower and so therefore I can see why planning a wedding would feel completely overwhelming (as if it isn't already). The side effects of quitting are gaining weight- and I am sure you want to look your absolute best on your wedding day. But I also don't want you to forget your reason's why. Why do you want to quit in the first place. What is it about adderall that you know is wrong- something brought you here... Is there anything you can do now to start the process? I know for me it was cold turkey or nothing because I was so rediculously addicted and had NO SELF-CONTROL but even I was able to have days off from adderall. If I didn't go through such intense withdrawals I don't think I would have crashed as hard as I did with both lazyness, and food binging. I know that not having as much adderall as I wanted made me on uncomfortable but having no adderall was the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever experienced. If you are able to slowly ween yourself off it- being uncomfortable but only a little at a much smaller degree, maybe you will be able to quit easier then I was able to and not gain as much weight. Also if you are able to take full days off from adderall- then by your wedding day- you will at least know that you got to fully experience every part of it soberly. I wish you the best, whatever decide. Know we are here when you are ready or if you need help.
  5. Terrified of gaining weight

    I wish I could tell you that you won't gain weight and don't worry, but I have to be completely honest and let you know what I experienced. I too have struggled with my weight for a long time, and had lost a bunch of weight before a quit. Today is my 6 months clean and I will tell you that I have gained weight and it has done a lot of damage to my self-esteem. It has been extremely difficult for me to control the urge to eat- the self-control bit is hard. I went a good solid two months of binge eating in the beginning, doing absolutely nothing, and struggling at work. It is very hard for me to keep the weight off and even harder to get the urge to work-out. A lot of people say that quitting makes them want to exercise more, but for me it has been the opposite. I am leaving for Hawaii next week and although I really wanted to lose all the weight before Hawaii and have had months to prepare I haven't been able to and am really not looking forward to being in a bathing suit and definitely not having my picture taken. I am very very fortunate and have had amazing support from my boyfriend, who tells me how proud he is of me and that I am beautiful no matter what. He tells me this on a daily basis. It has been a strain on our relationship because I just simply don't have the energy to do the things I used to do- it's hard to keep up with him sometimes. He is used to the super active me, and now I am very laid back and love to relax. Does your fiance know your on adderall and that you want to quit and is he prepared to support you no matter what? With all that said there have been so many positive changes to rediscovering who I really am. I am able to relate and connect to people so much better, I am not all zoned out all the time,and I am able to be creative again. I really wanted to stop taking adderall for my relationship and for my future kids. I definitely was not about being on adderall while being pregnant, and I want to be a good mom and be fully there and able to connect with my kids. I had so many issues with adderall- I always took too much and put myself in some really scary situations. I am working on getting the weight off- but I am still at a point of maintaining, its hard. If I did it all over again I think I'd be in the exact same spot. What are you reasons behind quitting? Are you ready for everything that it takes?
  6. Yes, I have been struggling with swapping addictions big time. For me it has been food and I've gained about 30 pounds. When I was in therapy she pointed out to me that I am substituting food for the adderall. Anytime I feel uncomfortable I am turning to food to make myself feel better. She also pointed out to me that it is Self-Control that I am struggling with. I hate the feeling of being off the adderall and tired and lazy. Also- I am a teacher and one of my students died this week, she was only 14. It hit me sooooo hard, I think I was processing my dad dying a year ago too- the first time I've ever dealt with something like this sober- and off the adderall. I crashed so hard last week it felt like week one of quitting all over again. I could barely get out of bed, and didn't get to work, and just had absolutely no energy and still turned to food for comfort. I really really hope that you don't take the last couple of pills you have. I have quit over 17 times, each time I relapsed it was because I had that taste of energy and went months before trying to quit again. Today is my 6 months mark and I am feeling so proud- and I know I just can't give up! There are so many days that I want just one, but I know that just one is not a possibility for me. I believe in you too- my advice... dump them or they will continue to haunt you. Good luck. Jazz
  7. Hi everyone so I just made it to my 100 day mark and I couldn't be happier with how far I have come but I'm still so tired all the time! To those of you who are further in your recovery, when did you start to see your energy levels balance out and not feel tired all the time? Any feedback or stories will help, sometimes I just feel frustrated feeling like I've come so far but yet have so much further to go to feel better.
  8. 17 Days So Far... This Is My Story

    Hi Everyone, Just wanted to check in and say that I am almost 3 months clean- I am at 76 days. The reason that I wanted to post is for all of the people who are thinking about quitting or are just in the beginning of your recovery. Because I remember feeling so scared in the beginning, wandering if it would ever be better, and wandering what life would be like off of adderall. I want you to know it gets better! So much better. I am so... happy now- that is the best way to explain in. I feel like I am finally free of the constraints adderall had on my life- I am free of the withdrawals. I have energy, I feel alive. I am able to connect and laugh again- my sense of humor is the biggest thing I have back that I felt that I lost. Connecting with people even on the smallest level- has had a tremendous impact on my happiness. I feel like a better teacher, a better friend, a better sister, daughter, neighbor, just an all around better person. I am able to see that the world is full of sensations and excitements, and I have the courage to move forward. Month One: At first during the first month or so it was hard. Really hard- I barely wanted to get out of bed, literally spent so much time just sleepy and doing nothing. I ate soooo much and gained about twenty pounds, and I really slacked off at work. But I had the support of my boyfriend and the help of my therapist to get through the really hard times. Even with my boyfriends support he would get bummed out that I wouldn't want to do anything and he feared I would never get better. I let so many people down at work. My lesson plans were absolutely terrible- I pretty much just came up with it that day. My self esteem took a big hit. I was so scared that I would never be normal again. The withdrawals were terrible. I didn't want to go out or get dressed up because none of my clothes fit. The Turn Around... One day, when I was feeling my lowest- I came on here and posted about how terrible I was feeling. Within a few hours quite a few people wrote back. Having the support of this website really helped me during this tough time. So don't be afraid to ask for help! One of the things someone said was to focus on the the things that make me happy. I went out and bought a journal- and started really working on my self-esteem and addressing the issues that were making me feel so low. I made a self esteem collage, and just started journaling the positive changes I was seeing in myself. The focus of my journal was based on 4 things: Self-Acceptance Love Value Esteem. Focusing on these things helped me to change my perspective. These are the things I got out of it: Always be the one person who accepts yourself unconditionally- even on your worst days. Loving yourself is the only way to make your loved ones feel loved. Loving and accepting yourself helps with weight loss. Accepting yourself aligns you with truth. Truth is what heals, and what lets you be the unique person you were meant to be. Month Two I started to realize that not only could I live without adderall but that I could do things a million times better than I could on adderall. I have been able to get so much accomplished, been able to be a better teacher. I've totally cleaned and decluttered my life (my car, my office, my apartment) for a fresh start and to destress and make my life more simple so my ADD mind can know where everything is. I also threw away all of the things that stirred up negative emotions of my past and replaced those things with reminders of what makes me happy such has pictures of the people I love, or special memories. I also got caught up with all my finances, and work. I actually am ahead of the game and have the next couple of weeks planned for what I am going to teach. Now... I am really really proud of myself for so many reasons, and I feel like my life is completely on track. I can't say I have the energy that I had while I was on adderall, but I kind of don't want it. I don't want to be tweaked out all the time. I have natural energy now- and it some ways more energy because I am actually nourishing my body and getting so much rest (maybe too much). I also have quit some of the extracurricular activities I had to just free up some more time for rest and relaxation and just plain me time. I had SO much going on (like 4 jobs) while I was on adderall and my non-adderall self just could not keep up. My next step is to improve my health and start losing the weight that I have gained from quitting, the way that I have been able to improve everything else. I just went grocery shopping yesterday and bough a ton of healthy food so I don't have any comfort/junk food in the house. I don't have the energy the way that I used to, but I know that I can do it. I will also be running a 10K on Sunday in honor of my dad (who died last year). I know how to do this and I am ready. The best part is that I've started to lose track of the days because I'm starting to forget what adderall was like, its crazy but true. I don't miss it, I don't want it. I'm better without it. I'm happier without it, because I am.. ME. Good luck to all of you out there going through your journey. You can do it!
  9. Helping my sister

    Hi everyone, So I am 76 days clean- and it feels amazing. A little background on me is that I did adderall for almost 10 years- it completely took over my life and ruined friendships and destroyed who I was. In the first couple of years I introduced my sister to adderall and she absolutely loved it- we took it together to play racquetball, snowboard, clean, scrabpook, go out, for anything and everything, and it started to completely take over. We moved in together about a year ago- and it became so bad that sometimes we would spend the whole day home together and would barely talk- we would be cleaning, or super absorbed with facebook, or whatever project. It is so much deeper then this and hard to really explain because I have started to forget what life was life on adderall (thank god!!). I moved out in November and got my own apartment and finally got clean in February. I have wanted to quit for years and finally being on my own I got the courage to do it. It was really hard to try to quit while living with my sister because she didn't want to. She still does not see she has a problem and is in complete denial. Now when I hang out with her it seems so obvious how tweeked out she is and how much adderall has taken over her life. She is hyper focused, and the adderall has completely robbed her of her beautiful personality and funny sense of humor that I miss so much. She is run down, super skinny, and still doesn't see she has a problem. I sent her a link to this site and have texted her little clips of things that I have read on here about stages of adderall abuse but she is still in so deep and doesn't want to quit. I don't know what to do to help her. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What did you do?
  10. Ahhh weight gain and concussion

    Thanks for all the congrats! I am definitely proud and so much happier without the adderall! Food choices have definitely been my biggest problem- so hungry all the time and been craving sugar so much. I also just seem to care a lot less until I get on the scale that is. Lacking the self discipline I guess. Weight loss used to be an easy thing for me and now it is definitely going to take a lot of effort
  11. Ahhh help! I have gained 28 lbs in 60 days!! I am at my two months today and so proud of myself for this. Loving the person I am becoming on the inside! However, gaining so much weight is really effecting my self esteem! also- I got a concussion 10 days ago from snowboarding - making it nearly impossible to work out without getting really bad headaches. By the way I found the symptoms of a concussion to be be almost identical to withdrawals from adderall... fatigue, difficulty concentrating, etc... Some interesting stuff- not at all surprised by the connection that brain damage had to adderall abuse... Some food for thought. Anyway just feeling kinda low and reaching out for some support. Also found a really cool picture I want to share once I figure out how to do it. ~Jazzy
  12. Rock Bottom

    Sigh... you guys have no idea how thankful I am to have people who care and understand what I am going through. Just read both replies and teared up. Thank you for the support and encouragement. Yes Lea my boyfriend is wonderful- he is trying so hard to be supportive- but I feel so bad putting so much on his shoulders- I really am leaning heavily on him during this time and I am scared that it is going to eventually tear us apart. He is supportive but he does not understand and can't relate to what I am going through. I did try supplements in the beginning (tyrosine)- and honestly I think it was helping- but I got chest pains from it and from all of the stress and damage I've already done to my heart from the adderall I stopped right away. I'd be interested in checking out some of the others. I have been eating really healthy and exercising every day and slowly the weight is starting to come off (3.5 lbs so far). I would definitely say that eating healthy and exercise have definitely been making a difference, I just need to keep reminding myself of how far I have come and stop beating myself up. Occasional- I have really been on a roller coaster you are right- I have some days where I feel like I am on top of the world and feel the best I have felt in years and am soooooooo happy without the adderall, and other days where I feel like I can't even get out of bed and don't want to do anything. Today was one of those days- but when I read your post I got up- cleaned up my apartment a bit, took my dog for a walk, and then wrote this post- so thank you for the push! As far as the self-confidence thing you are right- it's time to build it up on our own. God this is so hard- when so many things just came soooo easy before! I feel like today and this week have been the closest I have come to wanting to relapse- just questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing when everything around me just seems to be falling apart- my self esteem with the weight, my relationship with my boyfriend, people being disappointed with me at work, and just feeling like chores are piling up. I in no way intend on going back to using- I am just frustrated and scared of the unknown. Just made an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow- really looking forward to sharing all of this with her. She is the one that really gave me the courage to pursue quitting but I haven't got to see her for a few weeks! Anyway thanks again soooooo much for the support! You guys rock!
  13. Rock Bottom

    Just officially hit rock bottom.. Crying and a complete mess. I would have thought rock-bottom would have happened on the medication, not 41 days into recovery. I was supposed to go to this cocktail party tonight with my boyfriend and as much as I wanted to be there I just couldn't.. I've gained so much weight (like 20lbs) my self esteem is beyond low right now. I spend the whole day getting ready, bought my dress, got my make up down and then just completely froze. I didn't want to face all of those people that are so important in his life- who have no idea what is That i am going through. My boyfriend knows and he is supportive he thinks that no one will judge me. I don't know why I care about what they think so much. I am just feeling the lowest I have ever felt. As far as being without adderall I am so happy with that decision and know it is something I will never go back to. I just feel so hurt that I let him down tonight. My make up is all smudged from crying... What should I do. I am feeling so lost.
  14. 17 Days So Far... This Is My Story

    Thanks for all the responses. I already feel more supported then I have in a long time. It's nice to know people can connect and relate to what I am going through. As far as if I am working or not... yes I am. Luckily, I am a teacher and had school vacation this week, which was really nice. I did a whole lot of nothing. I am worried about going back though. In addition to teaching I also run a gymnastics program after school and give snowboarding lessons on the weekends. I am feeling very anxious about planning a new unit and really do not feel ready to go back but don't really have a choice. I already feel like I am a much different teacher- I don't have a whole lot planned for my next unit and it starts tomorrow. I did however make it through the first two weeks of quitting and still managed to go to school every day and follow through with all my commitments. I feel like if I could do that, then I could do anything, it just feels overwhelming. I find too that the anxiety of it all seems to be worse then what it actually is. By the way for anyone who read my first post- I don't recommend going back to the doctor even if it's to tell them you are done with the medication. I got offered three times to go back on it, if being off of it doesn't work out. I'm glad I'm strong- I didn't want to tell her I had addiction problems but I made it clear that adderall was not the best choice for me and that I won't be going back on it. Also, the whole experience of being at the doctor is filled with triggers- the smells, the sounds, the sights... everything.... and I got a cold which I blame on being there too Anyway- day 21 today! Can't believe it! Withdrawals are getting better, slowly but still about to go crawl back into bed and cuddle with my pup and watch some netflix!