Month two adderall-free

[Rightplace]

Well it's been 35 days since I stopped adderall though it feels like it's been much longer in the sense that I can't believe I haven't used stimulants for this long. It was end of January and now spring is in the air and its March.

I'm proud of my achievement. But I'm struggling to be patient and present. I want to feel better now. But I think I hear myself saying I want to feel stimulated again. I miss my old energy levels. I miss wanting to do projects all around the house fixing things up, checking things off the list. I miss chasing clients at work and putting in all those hours, feeling like I was some big wig business man. I miss having the ability to make eye contact and listen while communicating and responding with profound statements. I miss my stomach and fitting into my clothes , hah. I miss feeling every sense as I inhaled a cigarette and smoked it down at the speed of light. I miss the routines and the rituals (waking up, popping pill, feeling alert, tackling the day).

Now as I write this, I can also say that I don't miss the chest pains, racing heart beat. I don't miss the black cloud of intense irritation that swept over my body when a girlfriend or buddy said something I perceived as stupid. I don't miss feeling so unhealthy as I would go hours without food or water. I don't miss spending money on useless items for the new obsessive project of the week or the new hobby of the week. I don't miss isolating from my friends and family. I don't miss always checking to make sure I have adderall on me wherever I go or travel and I certainly don't miss the times I forgot to bring it with me and then having a meltdown. I don't miss stockpiling and enshrining this drug like it was gold. And finally I don't miss feeling crazy. Literally. I would feel like I'm seriously fucked up, not even considering that it might have something to do with the pills.

I'm doing ok but still really having a hard time getting off the couch. I'm worried I'm going to get too used to this and never find joy or motivation to live life. I keep trying to start s membership at the gym but it sounds so exhausting. Depression is mild now and crying spells are almost non-existent. I can go to work daily again at least. I can have moments here and there where I feel ok again. L-tyrosine really helps when I actually take it.

One thing I hate are my social skills. Before adderall I struggled communicating my thoughts. I always felt like I was stupid and inarticulate. Once I got on stimulants I felt like a rock star and became a good communicator. Now it's back to the old self which is my natural self I suppose.

The first few days of sobriety were awful , then suddenly it was great. I thought i was in the clear! Now I'm sluggish and starting to fantasize about taking a pill. I even caught myself thinking the other day that maybe I should get a rx for Concerta since it's supposed to be mild. I was telling someone about how I quit adderall and they started saying "oh u should try concerta, it's helpful like adderall but totally safe!" Ugh....I don't plan on restarting stimulants or relapsing but it certainly feels more tempting than ever.

Anyway thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out there and could use some encouragement.

[Cassie]

You are still in very early withdrawal. You just have to give it a lot of time and be really gentle with yourself in the beginning (I considered the first year in general to be early recovery).

[LILTEX41]

Congrats on 2 months!!!!!  That's a major milestone!

 

Like Cassie said, please be gentle with yourself right now.  This is a process and it will take time to get adjusted, but you will get adjusted in the end. That's the great news!  

 

I find it funny mentioned all that stuff above about missing all those things it did for you.  However, imagine you were able to do all those things sober without adderall.  Is it really what it made you capable of that you miss or possibly just the euphoric recall of being high on speed during those things you mentioned?  It feels so weird to think about this now because I know I could do any of those things without adderall, but recalling those time periods and looking back I can clearly see now that it was just the dose of speed that I truly missed.  It was finding a way to keep that high going all day long. As soon as I'd start to come down, I'd come up with any excuse to go back up again.  It is a roller coaster ride that you can't ever get off if you keep getting back on.  And it especially makes sense you are missing it right now because your in the downward phase still of withdrawal.  

 

Just keep reminding yourself that this is a highly addictive toxic poison and going back to it will only damage and destroy your body, mind, and soul all over again.  This phase that you are going through right now is temporary and short term.  It will pass and then you will be free.  And once you are free you can actually do all the things you ever wanted.  Your confidence will grow as you prove to yourself you can do all these things without it and you get to learn who you are naturally.  You will have real authentic genuine confidence that you can feel great about because it will no longer be manufactured by some artificial evil pill.  Along with this, recognize that adderall is actually stealing your confidence from you.  As you become more and more dependent on it for confidence, your real confidence decreases because you know it's coming from a substance.  Again, as you are having these cravings remind yourself that adderall is DESTROYING your real confidence.   It is like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  We think it is giving us confidence, but it is doing just the opposite!!

 

It will be worth it in the end.  Just hang in there for now and know this won't last forever!!!

[Frank B]

Congrats I'm a few months ahead relate to all you said. In Jan I did join a gym and have worked out religiously 3-4 times a week it does help but I can run a mile hit up the heavy bag weights come home and want to sit and do nothing (with NCAA tournaments going on sure makes it easy lol) . My first two months I did the same looking for a "safe" alternative and my doctor was pleased to have me be his Guinea pig again. I tried two differnt antidepressants to help boost my mood well after a week on Prozac I stopped that shit is horrible sorry to say worse then adderal in my opinion you feel amped up but still lazy and it screws with your nervous system like somone is scraping a chalk board non stop. After reading up knowing the huge risk I totally lost trust in my doctor never showed up to my last appointment does he call and check up? Hell no he cares less. I could have committed suicide which a high number of people on Prozac do and he wouldn't have known or obviously care. These med giving doctors are some of the worst people on earth they are wreckless use people as test subjects and care less about the long term damage.

It's a good idea to try to join a gym you create naturally some of the endorphins adderal makes u may become a gym rat if I didn't have kids I'd prob go everyday doesn't mean I'm cured find myself being a procrastinator most of the time still lazy around the house. But I will say lately it's been getting better look at recovery off this drug the same as rehabbing a torn acl. First u just need rest time for your injury to heal then u slowly start rehab and make yourself stronger. This doesn't happen in one month u can't find a pill to get u where u wish to be faster. Just take it day by day visit this site look for people who have less time off the drug and try to help them. It's no different then NA or AA finding others u can relate to and possibly help while your getting help from others past the stages you are currently going through.

[Bubbagump99]

Congrats on getting this far. I'm tapering down so I understand all the things that are going through your mind. It's like it's exciting but scary at the same time. But don't doubt yourself.and even tho the gym 'sounds' exhausting, do it. You will feel better. I promise. I'd bet money on it.

Remember, you probably didn't get this way in 2 months, so you're not gonna 'heal' in two months. God knows the waiting and the time SUCKS balls but in the longrun you will be a better and happier person. We both will 😊