William

6 months

24 posts in this topic

Today I celebrate 6 months off Adderall. The last couple of weeks have been miserable. Horrendous anxiety, trouble sleeping, and mind games... But looking at posts throughout time on the forum I know this is not unheard of. I just hope and pray the coming weeks will bring some relief. How many times can it be said; oh how I wish I never got mixed up in this nightmare. I hope I'm not discouraging others. Just telling like it is for me. Everyone has their own journey, and I hope the best for all of us suffering through this.

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Keep it up William!! 6 months is amazing!! I know it hasn't been easy, but you made it through. The hardest days are behind us. Nowhere but up from here!! :)

 

I always feel bad for posting how shitty I feel too, in fear of discouraging others from quitting. But we have to be honest about our recovery. It isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It helps me and the others that quit around the same time frame when we can discuss how we are all experiencing the same things. Unfortunately, it's all part of the process. If the truth discourages someone from quitting, well then maybe they just aren't ready. That's my two cents anyway. Lol

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Thank you so much for the encouragement bluemoon. I'm forever grateful. I agree that the truth can be a lot to swallow for some. But others honesty on here has helped me stay prepared and realistic.

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Way to go William!  Six months is certainly a substantial time away from stimulants.  I think you are wise to read other people's six month posts and keeping your expectations for recovery at a reasonable level.  Six months is still early in the recovery process and I didn't notice any substantial improvement until 9-10 months.  TV and the Internet were my best friends in early recovery.   I hope you can find a way to reward yourself for this stage of your journey.  Maybe take some extra time for something you really enjoy doing or go out and buy yourself something you have been wanting lately.  

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Thanks so much quit-once. I'm so grateful for the encouragement. I plan on taking it real easy over the weekend. Probably just watch tv and eat comfort foods...

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The best part about stacking up time off this stuff is new memories off the drug. I keep thinking like every birthday this year holiday I'll recall a year ago I was on adderall. Now come thanksgiving I'll say last year I was not on adderall and I survived all that time without it. It's hard to believe now last Christmas I was already off it seems so long ago and don't recall the bad parts of just getting off the meds only the good things with my family.

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Good insight. Always helps to find something else on the positive side of this. thought I was headed along those lines until recently. Just need the anxiety/panic to ease the heck up already. Never did I have "panic/anxiety attacks" before adderall. It's been the most difficult part of this whole deal. So tired from lack of sleep. But try to sleep and get overtaken with anxiety. It's a special kind of hell to be sure. Frank did you have episodes like this?

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The best part about stacking up time off this stuff is new memories off the drug. I keep thinking like every birthday this year holiday I'll recall a year ago I was on adderall. Now come thanksgiving I'll say last year I was not on adderall and I survived all that time without it. It's hard to believe now last Christmas I was already off it seems so long ago and don't recall the bad parts of just getting off the meds only the good things with my family.

I think that is what makes the one year mark so significant.  After my first year, I quit thinking about my addiction in an obsessive manner.  It's hard not to compare your sober life to a life spent on drugs for over a decade, especially during that first year.

Adderall quit working for me in 2008.  I took it anyway for another three years.  I am still finding clutter piles and sacks with stupid stuff I bought with receipts dating to 08 and 09.

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"...Clutter piles and sacks of sacks of stupid stuff" How freaking funny! Another common thread of us past addyholics. Takes me back to a time when I was wondering around in the hardware isles so long at a big box store an employee asked me if I was a "secrete shopper" sent by corporate. Lol! Probably went there for something simple and left with enough crap to build a time traveling machine.

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So much pain every minute just crawling by. How can this happen when I thought the worst part was over. Barely sleep more then 3 hours at a time. Start to drift off only to come to with almost panic. Please someone tell me this will pass.

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Hey William, I don't know why we all suddenly experienced severe anxiety out of nowhere right around the 5-6 month mark, but it seems like it's a stage we all go through around that time. Just keep pushing on! You're doing great. There are better days ahead.  :)

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Thank you bluemoon I've been in tears for days so sure I'll never be at peace again. You are a life saver. I've read all posts I can about 6 months but sometimes it just doesn't sink in or I feel that I'm some how different and not making it. Getting your post back has littraly brought my anxiety attack under control. I don't know to express myself but thank you. How are you doing? I'm so sorry not to ask. I hope that things are steadily better for you. You have been such an amazing help to me and countless others I'm sure.

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Glad to help! :) I was feeling really bad for a long while (the most intense anxiety of my life, mixed with depression), but I am slowly noticing things starting to get better. I'm definitely not 100% where I want to be, but it is beginning to get easier. I know it's hard to believe we'll ever feel better when you feel like such shit. I remember Doge saying to me once, the worse you feel right now, the better it's going to feel when the pendulum swings back the other way :)  

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Thank you so much😊 I'm so glad you have been feeling better. You answered my cry for help and it made all the difference. The pendulum example is very comforting too. I'm so ready for that thing to swing out of the depths of despair

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Congrats William! You've officially hit one of the biggest milestones in recovery! It's very cool that there are other people here who are on a similar trajectory on the recovery timeline as myself.

 

For the record, I had night sweats and severe insomnia last night that prevented me from falling asleep till about 2 AM. My eyes then blasted open at 5 AM and I rolled back and forth for about another hour till I reluctantly woke up at 9. I'm exhausted, but there's no way I could fall asleep right now. This is a common occurrence for me now. My clinical rotation starts tomorrow and I find myself being pummeled by waves of anxiety today. I used to be described as strong-willed and used to radiate confidence in these types of circumstances. This isn't me. My girlfriend still refers to me as her "rock" in the relationship. Well, today I feel like a pebble. A pebble caught in the middle of a raging oceanic storm, being knocked every which direction by the violent current and monstrous waves. This would be the usual time where I would pop (too much) Vyvanse or Adderall in order to rid myself of these terrible thoughts and sensations. But, the commitment I made to living an authentic life without the aid of a mindfucking drug is what's stopping me from renewing my relationship with that sinister drug right now. And if I truly want to live a life without popping Adderall, then this is the reality I have to face. This is the reality we on this website have to face. This is our life and all we can do is keep trucking forward in the face of adversity. 

 

We can do this William and Bluemoon (and all else who is on this journey). 

 

Oh, and Bluemoon, I'm in physical therapy school. My next clinical rotation is at a neurological rehabilitation hospital, so I will be working with patients who've had traumatic brain injuries, strokes, Parkinsons, spinal cord injuries etc. 

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Thank you Dufman. Thank you for sharing your story and your daily journey. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and literally holding back tears as I type. I'm so impressed with your strength and your ability to express the complexities of this hell in ways I and others I'm sure can understand. What a great thing that you're going into a career helping others HEAL. I know you're going to make it! All of us here are going to make it. What a true blessing that we can lean on each other through the darkest periods of this hell on earth. Life on adderall was surrounded with poor decisions and often hanging around others who were all about the party... It feels incredible to talk on here with others that are committed to turning their life around, and to helping others do the same. Keep doing what your doing duffman! I have no doubt you are the rock of your relationship. I wish you the very best as you start your next rotation! Remember to take time for yourself whenever possible to recharge! Peace

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Thank you for the kind words, William. I would never wish to impose misery onto anybody else, but I am relieved to find that I'm not alone in this misery that resides in me lately. That phrase "misery enjoys company" seems to have a lot of truth to it and is not necessarily to be viewed negatively so long as we're helping each other through it. I know it seems sorta lame that this quote comes from a fictional source (Game of Thrones), but it's what helps get me through times when I feel too anxious to do something that I must do: 

 

Bran: Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?

Eddard: That is the only time a man can be brave.

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Congratulations William!!! That is awesome!!!   Keep up the good work!!!

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Good insight. Always helps to find something else on the positive side of this. thought I was headed along those lines until recently. Just need the anxiety/panic to ease the heck up already. Never did I have "panic/anxiety attacks" before adderall. It's been the most difficult part of this whole deal. So tired from lack of sleep. But try to sleep and get overtaken with anxiety. It's a special kind of hell to be sure. Frank did you have episodes like this?

 

I didn't really know how to spell anxiety and a lot of words like dopamine etc until adderall.  Not being able to deal with depression etc lead me to adderall.  I remember anxiety being a huge issue around 6 months.  Good time to start working on coping techniques etc. Breath. I still experience anxiety but not nearly like I used to.   Adderall fucks up your brain chemistry. Your brain is still re-calibrating and it takes time. Find ways to distract yourself during this process. 

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Thanks Zerokewl. Even though I read old posts from others over and over about their 6 month timeline battles with crushing anxiety, when I'm in the grips of hell hour after hour with hardly a 5 minute break, my brain can't process what I've read to the extent I actually believe it or something... Sorry not sure I'm making any damn sence about it! I agree about all these sciency F'ing words! I'm sure it was my issues with depression that ended me up married to addy. Which plays into the whole torture chamber going through this. That voice that try's to tell me I'm F'd no matter what I do or how long I last off that shit! But I cling to memories of short periods of relief where I'm not to dizy to drive a car or make repairs to things for work, and in that moment I find hope... Like this moment right now. God how I wish I could make these moments last longer.

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Funny, I got hooked on Adderall because of my depression too. At first I thought I had found my miracle drug. I thought it would last forever and I could finally live a normal life. In hindsight, if only I had known it would end up making the depression a million times worse and creating a massive shitstorm. Lol

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I did at times use Benadryl or Zquil on nights that the anxiety was going shit bat out of control. I know it's not good to depend on any drug if even over the counter but it did help.

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Thanks Frank. I tried melatonin last night. Got maybe 3-4 hours. Don't think it did much. I'm going to pick up some Zquil. I don't think that's to be ashamed of. If it makes me able to survive this period so be it. I can't keep going like this. The sleep depervation alone would make a non recovering person insane. I'm hanging on by such a small string and scared to death.

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You're doing great William!!! Just keep pushing through. Don't forget what you're feeling is normal and we all felt the same way around that time in recovery. I also wanted to give up at times. But seriously you will feel better soon, just hang in there!! 

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