Rockbottom

My life on adderall

5 posts in this topic

Hey guys so here is my story. I first started taking adderall my freshman year of college and I remember the feeling I from it when I actually took. My roommate at the time suggested me to try this on pill that would help me get through my morning classes that I was taking at the time. I remember that rush/euphoria that went through my body as soon as it hit me and texting my roommate that very moment how much this drug really made me feel. As a kid growing up, I've always been into sports all through out high school with soccer being one of my talents. I wasn't that most popular kid but I was very outgoing had a lot of friends. I was offered to play soccer at a very college of high school and I felt like my life was on the right path, until adderall happened. The feeling that adderall gave me was life none other as we all know. Whenever I had classes I would take it thinking this drug wasn't anything bad since all these doctors prescribe it. After 3 years living on campus, I decided to move back home and commute to school instead. I was always prescribed the 30mg, one for each day. When I moved back home, I started taking more than I should because one a day wasn't cutting it anymore and I just took more and more so I can finish school. I abused it  , I started isolating myself from my friends, started smoking cigarettes because I loved the combination of adderall and cigs. I started going out drinking more while taking more adderall because it made me more social and alive. I became someone that wasn't really me, all because of this evil drug called adderall. It took away my confidence, my friends, my personality, my future, bad health, and most importantly my soul. I promised myself that once I graduate college that I will flush these pills and start a new chapter in my life. Again there are a lot more things in between that I can write about but this is kind of the general events that occurred. I stopped taking adderall on May of 2015 all the way up to today. It has been by far the hardest thing that I had to go through. I've been depressed more than ever, anxiety has been a constant, lack of confidence in myself is still there, I have a hard time socializing with anyone even my close friends from my childhood. I don't know who I am anymore. What have I done to myself? I feel lost.. this is not who I am. I think about adderall everyday for the past year and not because I miss or will ever take it again but simply for what kind of damage it has done to me. I'm so thankful for this site and all your stories. As messed as it might sound but deep inside, it makes me feel somewhat happy that I'm not the only one going through this hell. Thank you all! 

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Hey. Welcome to the forum.

I created an account this past spring

When I decided to make another attempt at

sobriety. I am so thankful for this wonderful

Site, just wish users were more active on here,

Which is why I'm trying to be more active 😌

I can definitely relate to your story.

I was misdiagnosed and prescribed Adderall,

Which I abused for the next decade.

From 14-25. It is so fucked up.

I went to inpatient treatment in March

For a little over a week to withdrawal(sleep)

And get help. Within a month I was using again.

I no longer take stimulants daily, but I

Absolutely can admit to doing a 3-5 day binge once a month. I am living a lie. I'm terribly depressed and always fatigued. No motivation or anything.

Chat more?

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Honestly I thought about doing rehab ever since I stopped taking the meds for good but from my perspective I don't think this kind of an addiction is something that can be solved through rehab.. its all mental. I used to take fish oil which helped a lot with my anxiety and panic attacks but after a while that stopped working. In all honesty, I feel like the only way of this is to be completely sober from everything including coffee and alcohol and let time do the healing.. It's been almost a year since I've taken my last adderall and I still don't feel anywhere near 100%. Has there been good days here and there? yes. Most of the time I just feeling emotionless, like a worthless piece of shit lol. It's sad but its reality. I hate myself everyday for every trying this drug. I ask myself what if I never took? It was not like I ever needed it. Is this what they call fate? I can't stop questioning myself over this. Would I have ever graduated college without this drug? Would I have gambled? Would I still be the loser that I am now? so many questions I can go on and on.. from one stupid pill! I look at all my friends and how they enjoy life and I feel like I'm missing out.. I guess I'm paying my debt. Lyoung614, I feel bad for your situation because of how young you were when you first took an addie. Like you can't go back remind yourself who you were before you took this drug. I think that's very important while going through withdrawal because it gives you that small hope of knowing you really were before this evil drug. 

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Rockbottom,

 

Wow, I really feel for both of you and LYoung614.  I remember how hard it was to get off this junk and stay off.  All of your concerns make sense, but I think what would be helpful is if you choose to start thinking about all of this in a new light.  How has this affliction and struggle made you a stronger person?  Imagine a few years from now when you no longer think about it and you are free just living your life once again in peace.  Imagine looking back and saying, "Wow, I once was addicted to a drug and I overcame it."  Not everybody who gets addicted ever finds their way out and look at what you've accomplished so far!!  You are over a year clean!!  That's amazing!!   I sometimes almost thank adderall/cocaine for pushing me over the edge faster in all my addictions.  Who knows if I'd even be sober today had it not been for the adderall which escalated my alcohol/drug use to the next level.  Adderall definitely took me to rock bottom places and even then when I thought I would never touch it again, I'd go back.  I often wonder what path I would've taken myself had I never touched alcohol or any drugs for that matter.  But I tell you what.  My life would've been WAY EASIER and I wouldn't have faced so much damn adversity.  It is through the adversity and pain that I gained so much inner strength, compassion for others, knowledge in the field of mental health, and really just expanded myself in all ways possible.  Had it not been for my years of drowning in so much loss, pain, and self sabotage I would not be the person I am today.  It feels AMAZING to look back and say look what I did then and look where I am now.  

 

I think the best thing you can do is to try and first off start ACCEPTING yourself immediately.  Rate your behavior and not yourself.  You are NOT a loser!!  Do not speak defeat like that over yourself!!  Start saying, "I am a champion.  I overcame some hard shit and I am better for it!!"  Stop all the dwelling on what coulda, shoulda, or woulda been.  It's in the past. It's dead and gone now.  All you can do is learn from it and choose to do better in the present and moving forward.  

 

So what's next for you?  What do you want out of life?  What are your dreams, hopes, and aspirations?  Start trying to rebuild your life in all areas and focus on how far you've come.  And think about how you can help others with this struggle indefinitely.  It is so great to give back and be able to help someone else.  

 

As far as feeling depressed and not wanting to socialize, do it anyway.  Fake it until you make it.  Don't allow yourself to isolate because it's uncomfortable right now.  The sooner you face it and keep facing it, the easier it will become.  Do volunteer work if possible.  That's a quick way to start feeling better about yourself fast.  Just try to focus on what you can do and make the most of it.  And again, if you think you can't, do it anyway.  You can do anything.  It's just a matter of getting your mind to believe in yourself once again without adderall.  

 

You girls CAN do this!!  And visit Smart Recovery if you seek new ways to enable better thinking patterns and start changing your unhelpful beliefs into more helpful beliefs.  Rewiring our distorted thinking patterns is crucial to recovery and will keep you much saner in the process.

 

((((hugs))))

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Its hard when you know your bettering yourself on a personal level but my production is such a fraction of what it was. Family members worried when I worked non stop on projects investments etc while on adderall for years. Now I've been off nearly a year and my family wonders why I'm so fucking lazy not getting more jobs making more money for myself and kids. They act like I just don't want to but that's the furthest thing from the truth. I don't know why I'm still so tired unmotivated just doing the bare minimum. I feel pressure with bills etc why does my family want to put pressure on me? I don't know what to do sometimes I'm a better person but a lazy one I hate myself for that seems my family does too but yeah they are real fucking proud I stopped using they got a funny way to show it.

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