positivethoughts

Got my MBA, landed job, starting business on side

4 posts in this topic

Hello All - it has been awhile since I last came to post something on here. I remember when I had first quit vyvanse I had wished there were more people who were further along in recovery to say "it gets better". It was a senior member's post, quit-once, that inspired me to flush my decent sized vyvanse stash down the toilet. I had taken vyvanse for 2 years, 70mg a day, and was fully dependent. I began having withdrawals toward the end, even though I was still taking it - panic attacks, insomnia, anxiety, so much so that I visited the hospital twice because I thought I was dying. They just prescribed me anti-anxiety pills. It was then that realized that there is no way that this drug was not causing this. Even though everything you read, and your doctor says, it's safe. It's therapy - "look at the progress you've made!". 

 

To anyone who has just quit, or is thinking about quitting, god bless you. It's the hardest thing you may ever do, at least it was for me. I remember thinking, in the beginning, "I can't feel anything, happy, sad, nothing". I thought there HAD to be something wrong with me, my brain must be broken, some deformity or disease (even got 2 brain MRIs, they found nothing). Did the vyvanse ruin for me forever? Nobody feels like this, everyone else walks around, feeling normal. I also slipped into a bit of nihilism, feeling like my life didn't matter, that I could die tomorrow and it wouldn't affect the universe. But it's so important to realize in these first few months, even first few years for some, it's not you. That is your brain returning to equilibrium. For an extended period of time, I took a drug that controlled the amount dopamine that was in my brain, and by "controlled", I mean it pretty much just turned on the faucet and left it going. It will take time for that level back out, and that's ok. The other thing I realized that, once I was starting to feel like I was "recovering" in months 6-7, that the bad thoughts would come back when I was overwhelmed or stressed - but then it hit me, well no duh, I'm stressed, I feel terrible, this is when your brain is supposed to NOT feel good. 

 

Without making this too long, I'm 10.5 months clean. I just finished my MBA last week from Loyola in Chicago, and I got better grades than I would have thought when I first signed on a year ago. In the last 6 months I also landed a good job working at a consulting company, and got a promotion. I also started my own business with my best friend, raising money for schools, and we are setting up to launch officially soon. 

 

It may not seem like it for some, but I honestly feel stronger because of this. It's kind of corny, but I fell in love with the quote from the movie V for Vendetta "What was done to me created me. It's a basic principle of the universe that every action causes an equal and opposing reaction". I can't hate myself for having taken vyvanse. It led me here, and I am alive, and I am spending every day trying to better myself. I felt like the equal/opposite reaction of this battle is a great deal of strength and power. I am finally at peace with myself and the person I want to be. 

 

I am so thankful for this site, and the people on it. Everyone on here is understanding and caring, even though none of us have ever met one another in person. It's truly amazing. 

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LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!!!  Can't say it enough this morning.  Wow, that is amazing what you've already accomplished in your recovery and so inspiring for others to read.  Congratulations!!!!   Thank you for sharing this with everyone!!

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Love the quote from V for Vendetta!   I think it's so important not to hate yourself during recovery from ANY addiction because if you recover, you are so much better off than you were even before you started taking the drug.  I am so happy for you! 

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