Fed up spouse

[Had enough]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We have endured a lot and our love is strong. We both have demanding professional careers that have afforded us great stability. We have 2 beautiful young boys. When my husband was in his teens, he experimented heavily with drugs, mostly cocaine. A few years ago he began to dabble a bit here and there. We were living in different cities and I believe he was doing much more than I realized at the time.  When we moved back in together, I quickly realized the situation, and signed him up with a personal trainer. He got his act together, but unfortunately still had contact with his drug dealer. Some time later he got a few adderall pills from this dealer.  At first it seemed to help. He felt no need to do cocaine and it seemed to be treating his ADHD, which he likely has (but was still exceptionally functional in his creative field). Fast forward to today and our life is crumbling before my eyes. He found a psychiatrist to give him a legit prescription but I have to control the dosing otherwise he takes all his pills in 2 weeks. When he is taking too much, he is manic, hyperfocused on work, ignores his children, and I'm still doing the lion share of domestic work. He drinks excessively and chain smokes and I suspect needs Valium to sleep. When crashing, he's exhausted and volatile. His body seems to need more. When I carefully handed him his prescribed dose, his moods were tolerable, but 60 mg per day doesn't seem to work anymore. I have become especially alarmed because there is now evidence that he is not keeping up with work, alienating friends and colleagues, and recontacted his dealer for extra pills when he ran out last month. We argue so much more. Any little thing sets him off. Tragically I don't trust him alone with the kids cause he is too distracted and self-absorbed. He is aware and not aware. He has had an objectively difficult year so he often reminds me of that when I focus on the adderall.  But he actually emailed his psychiatrist saying he needs help to quit next month but also said he would want occasional pills for big projects (occasional use is a joke and would never work). I don't want to wait for something tragic to happen. I plan to insist on quitting now and not in a month (he actually has time off from work for the next few weeks so now is the best time), erase his dealer's number from his phone and find a therapist to help us through this. If he doesn't agree I'm leaving before my kids get hurt and/or he has a psychotic breakdown. I still have to pinch myself that I'm dealing with this horrow show. 

[Tom23Jones]

I can totally relate to your whole story.  The only difference is I was that husband spiraling out of control.  And my wife wasn't aware of what was going on.  She just knew that I would be hyper-focused, manic, and volatile for 2 weeks and then I'd go on a 2 week depression (which was when I ran out of pills obviously).  It progressed and got crazier and crazier.  I found a dealer to sell me extra pills but then I'd still end up doing all my prescribed pills and the ones from the dealer in 2 weeks.  Then it got worse where I was doing them all in about 10 days (120-180mg daily).  I don't have a good memory of everything that went on when I was using that large of an amount.

But I agree with you, now is the best time to stop.  Deep down he doesn't want to be stuck in this vicious cycle for his entire life.  Its not sustainable and no matter how many times us addicts tell ourselves we'll use occasionally or limit our usage, its not going to happen.

I also agree that you two see a therapist if he'll go for it.  In addition to that I'd see if hes open to going to NA meetings.  Its kind of weird attending NA meetings initially but I know that its helped me tremendously.  There are so many stories you can relate to your own at those meetings.  It just keeps it in the forefront of your mind that we aren't immune to this disease and we have to stay vigilant in our recovery.... I'd also show him this site and these forums if you haven't already.  This site has been a powerful support system for me getting clean and staying clean.

[Had enough]

Thank you for your support! He must be aware on some level that he is in trouble. He said he has already browsed this site, which means he knows he needs to quit, but also said it's a collection of the worst possible stories. We had another talk this morning and he asked me to stop pathologizing him. But this site, and your words specifically, have been beyond helpful for me. It's given me clarity about the situation. No more second-guessing myself.

[duffman]

55 minutes ago, Had enough said:

He said he has already browsed this site, which means he knows he needs to quit, but also said it's a collection of the worst possible stories.

This line right here is very telling that he doesn't feel ready to quit. I've found that when people are wanting to quit, they search for reasons/personal stories why they should quit to justify their decision. I've also found that when people are not wanting to quit, they search for reasons/personal stories why they shouldn't quit to justify their decision. This is a form of confirmation bias. It is encouraging to see that he's searching for a psychiatrist to help him quit, but equally troubling to see he's searching for a psychiatrist to supply him pills for "occasional use", for which, like you said, is bullshit. He's at least contemplating quitting, but isn't ready to fully commit. I would say the best chance you have is to sit him down and truly and honestly explain to him how you miss who he was prior to all this drug use, and love that person dearly, and how you do not love the person he's becoming. Now, let me preface this by saying I'm not a psychologist or relationship counselor and this is not professional advice, so it may backfire on you. However, I know for me, I didn't know my girlfriend began to resent me BECAUSE of my Adderall abuse. I always thought she wouldn't love me anymore if I became lethargic upon quitting Adderall, but my relationship began to flourish once I finally quit (or at least a couple months afterwards). 

Have him post on the boards explaining his story. If he has a demanding career and is currently dependent on stimulants to "get by", then I completely understand his apprehension to quit. I quit Adderall right in the middle of graduate school. Though it was (and, at times, still is) the toughest thing I've ever done, I feel this decision saved my life. 

[Frank B]

Hope he gets on board takes a ton of self control and determination to stop he will need to be in it 110% to be successful. Wish you luck and no taking it for big projects is not a realistic outlook glad you see that just hope he can.

[Thomas]

Psychiatrists aren't great at helping you quit.    Remember, that's how they make there living.   If they "helped" all their patients, they would be out of business. I really believe most of them just see adderall users as repeat customers.  

[Had enough]

Yes, I don't have much faith in his psychiatrist. I'm looking for a psychologist who specializes in substance abuse. However,  the more we talk about things, the less he seems willing to admit a problem. Apparently there have been serious complaints at work about his behavior. He thinks it's a political plot. At least we've been able to talk without screaming at each other and I've been trying to make him realize that I am in fact "on his side." I've taken his pills and have been really strict about how many pills he gets a day. This helps at least in the short term until he can agree to get real help. In the meantime I plan to visit with a lawyer and plan my exit, in case it comes to that. 

[Frank B]

Your doing the right thing can't play mommy to a grown man!

[Had enough]

Well folks, it’s almost 3 years later. Here is the update: I threatened to leave my husband and he managed to quit for over two years. We have been in a very good place off adderall. He realized after some time that he doesn’t really need adderall to work, even wrote a book.

I wish this was a happy ever after story, but he has relapsed over the last few months. A few pills every few weeks or months. We have not returned to the previous lows but they feel inevitable. 

In retrospect, I wish he had take more responsibility for some of the damage he created on adderall, then I think it would have been harder to go back to it. And maybe if I had left him then...maybe he would be better off. 

 

 

[EmileAvace]

but that still doesnt answer what I was trying to ask, so let me put it another way, If grass-fed is leaner, can I assume you would not find Prime Grade grass-fed?

[hyper_critical]

On 9/16/2019 at 1:31 AM, Had enough said:

Well folks, it’s almost 3 years later. Here is the update: I threatened to leave my husband and he managed to quit for over two years. We have been in a very good place off adderall. He realized after some time that he doesn’t really need adderall to work, even wrote a book.

I wish this was a happy ever after story, but he has relapsed over the last few months. A few pills every few weeks or months. We have not returned to the previous lows but they feel inevitable. 

In retrospect, I wish he had take more responsibility for some of the damage he created on adderall, then I think it would have been harder to go back to it. And maybe if I had left him then...maybe he would be better off. 

Sorry to hear that. You may get a lot out of going to an Al-Anon meeting. Just go and share where you're at and I'm sure people with similar experience will come up to you and offer their suggestions.

Good luck. 

[Had enough]

Thanks for the suggestion. We are both in therapy now. But the use continues. I would say for 9 months, he has been binging every 1-2 months. It results in a disruptive week, but everything returns to “normal.” I think he hits such a low each time that he is scared until he conveniently forgets. More than once, he is so sleep deprived, he forgets who I am. I have learned that I am angry all the time. It’s a mess. But it isn’t easy to detach from someone you’ve loved for 25 years.