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Danquit

Holy Shit! 9 Months!

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I've officially been off of Adderall for 9 months! It has been the most miserable 9 months of my life but I am alive and doing OK. So the first 1-3 months were brutal because of depression, anxiety, and lack of motivation. I struggled daily to just get out of bed and do anything. I survived by writing in my journal and going to the park to walk around, and I checked this forum daily. Months 4-6 were a little better but it definitely was not a linear process. I noticed that maybe I started having 2-3 good days a week where I did not want to die and I actually had some hope for the future. I hung in there and kept telling myself "one day at a time". Months 7-9 showed significant improvement in my overall mood and the anxiety level definitely went down. I didn't do anything different, I think something in my brain just changed in month 9. 

It's just like everyone said on here, only time can heal your brain. I am currently still very unmotivated to do anything but I am still so much better because I am not suffering from massive anxiety just sitting around the house. That was the worst part of the last 9 months. The negative thoughts and the constant worrying about the future and excessively worrying about things that I could not control was brutal. I would just have a thought like "what if I lose my job?" and then the negative thoughts would just spiral out of control. I mean before Adderall, the chances of me losing my job were the same as now, but I simply didn't care or didn't think about it. I just went about my business. One thing that helped when I had these thoughts was I would employ the "fuck it" attitude. Thanks Frank! One of your posts helped me tremendously. You basically said, what difference will all this make 100 years from now? It really doesn't matter. Once I adopted this thought process, things didn't seem so daunting.

So the key takeaway is that I am doing better. I still read this forum daily but I don't always respond. Honestly, I am hoping that the less I think about this shit, the better. But I love that we have this forum to come to and just read when we are feeling down. It is a tremendous recovery tool. 

On to the 1 year mark. I am optimistic about the next 3 months and I can't wait to get the first year under my belt. Remember, this is the hardest thing that you will ever go through and when you make it through to the other side, you will be so much better for it. Stay strong and don't give in to those temptations. You can't take just one to get you through whatever. You cannot get back on it and just take the prescribed dose. That is what Adderall wants you to think, but it is lying to you. Enjoy that healthy weight you've put on and just say fuck Adderall!

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Congrats on 9 months Dan!  I'm about two weeks from celebrating my 9 months as well.  My recovery is super similar to your timeline.  During months 1-6 I really struggled with bad anxiety, depression and lack of motivation.  But months 7-8 I noticed a lot of the fog lifted and I stopped waiting for that magical motivation to happen and instead just started taking action.  Initially it sucked getting up at 5am and hitting the gym for an hour but now it has gotten as routine as brushing my teeth.  And its addicting feeling your body change for the better.  Naturally that same motivation carried over into my nutrition.  I've now became consumed with what I put into my body and how I take care of it.  I'm seriously considering eliminating sugar (unless its from fruit) and caffeine from my diet but I haven't pulled the trigger on that yet.

The biggest thing I struggle with is motivation to stay on task at my 9-5 office job.  Adderall used to make me love this tedious shit I do for a living but now I Fuckin HATE it.  But I'm okay with that, because I don't want to take a pill that tricks me into thinking I enjoy shit that I don't.  Not taking adderall has given me so much more self awareness.  I'm finally maneuvering myself to chase a dream that I've always wanted to.  And I think that is really what so many of us struggle with.  Its not that we cannot get motivated as much as it is we hate what the fuck were doing.  In the past anytime we were faced with something difficult or tedious we'd just take a pill and hey weeee! its fun.  Think about it, I don't struggle at all now to get motivated and focus on things that I enjoy; I'm naturally focused and dialed in when I run on a treadmill, lift weights, meal prep for the week, have sex, play poker, play golf.  So I think the real key is finding something your passionate about and figure out how to make money at it.

☮ ✌

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Nine months was a huge breaking point for me.  I came upon nine months around the first of March (2012) and it was a pretty sudden and sustained leap in my recovery.  I think it had something to do with spring fever and the extra motivation and energy I usually get from the longer days this time of the year.  By the time I reached  one year things were really looking up all the time, although I still lacked sustained motivation and energy during most of that summer, but at least I was healthier, weighed less exercised more and had a better mood.  I still took caffeine pills, red bull and 5 hour energy for a weekend buzz well into my second year.    I actually noticed sustained and progressive improvement through my third year of recovery, although as you know it is not always linear.  I still get hit with a surprise round of depression a couple of times per year but I know how to deal with it and I know that it usually won't last more than  a few days. 

Regarding your jobs, just show up, do what you gotta do and things will be just fine.   Don't strive for employee of the month quite yet.  After at least a year of recovery, you can reassess if the job you have is the job you like, with the added benefit of a clear mind and fresh outlook on life in general.

 

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Congrats - you give me hope. Just coming up to two weeks once again but it's been brutal - maybe because I know I can't go back this time and the lethargy lack of motivation eating boredom is off the charts!  So I am hanging in there - if you can do it so can I. 8 was prescribed 120mgs daily!!! of Vyvanse and I am a 128 pound 5'5' female.  For the past year and half at least I was staying up for three days at a time every week. My last Vyvanse refill I went through the 120 mgs per day three months supply in about five or six weeks. Can you spell psychosis? Unfortunately, I can, as most of us unfortunately can. I don't know how I actually avoided the psych ward.  So yeah, fuck Adderall and fuck Vyvanse too! And congrats once again. 

S

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Congrats Danquit and TomJones on having 9 (and almost 9) months! Huge achievements. Reading about your progress these past few months has helped me during the dark days... couldn't have got this far without you guys. I'm still really struggling, though. I'm feeling super isolated/unmotivated and failing a few of my college courses this semester. I'll have 8 months in a few weeks and am still just feeling really rough... sometimes I wonder if I'm not progressing as fast as everyone else in their recovery. Any tips other than exercise that'll help me feel more on track? It might be just a mindset issue but I'm feeling super stuck.

Thanks, Cheerio 

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Congrats of 9 months and thanks for sharing your experience! I've been off it for two months and feel the same way you did at that time. It's nice knowing your starting to feel better because my biggest fear is that I'm always going to feel this way if I don't take adderall. 

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