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Nicole88

OMGGGG 1 YEAR!!!

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Tomorrow officially marks 1 year adderall free!!! Writing the post today since I won't be around tomorrow, and I'm almost too excited to wait anyways!!!

All I can say is I NEVER thought I would see this day, but I am grateful beyond words for having closed that chapter of my life. There was a point when I honestly thought that using would kill me and I didn't even care, I just didn't think quitting was possible. I could never thank the ppl on these boards enough for encouraging me to push on when it felt like I could not go another day. This year has been the most brutally painful of my life, but I am finally coming out the other side. I am also so excited to see what the future brings as I've learned from the boards that I can still expect improvements well into the second year!!

I haven't been on much the last couple of months, but I am so incredibly happy to report that my depression has been almost non existent. While I certainly still struggle with motivation at work and around the house, and I'm also not at all content with my weight, I can attribute much of the gains I've made to rebuilding old relationships and staying very busy this summer. I've also started seeing someone new and I think that has helped a lot with getting over my ex (who I've mentioned in several posts). I just can't beat myself up anymore over the mistakes I've made, time to move forward!!!

Im going to try to make a timeline of my experience, but I'll say what has been said so many times before- it is not a linear process!! I've had good and bays throughout, and I've had many times where I thought I had made significant progress only to fall back into a deep depression. 

Month 1- I was fortunate enough to be able to take FMLA for 4 weeks and go to rehab. This definitely made coming off easier (adderall, benzos, and alcohol) as I was on a 10 day benzo taper that kept me very comfortable. I put on about 15-20 lbs but didn't care too much as I was just happy to get off the shit. Not having any responsibilities to worry about also lessened the blow.

Months 2-3- I tried to keep the momentum going when I got home. I ate very well during this time and was going to the gym often. I lost much of the weight I gained in rehab during this time. I pretty much had zero expectations for myself at work and allowed myself to do the bare minimum with no guilt. This honestly just helped me to survive this period. There was definitely depression, but I was still feeling such gratitude for having gotten off adderall that I was able to ignore it.

Months 3-6- This was the worst period for me. I started to worry that I would never have motivation again and that I would not be able to do my job without. I had several meltdowns during this time where I was ready to say fck it all, quit my job, move back in with my parents and start over. I gained back all the weight I had lost plus some and just fell into a terrible depression. My routine was pretty much go to work, go home and retreat to my bedroom. I spent the weekends isolated at home as well and it spiraled down quickly. I saw my old doctor during this time who tried to put me back on everything, and I came very close to relapsing!! Thank god for these boards for giving me some kind of hope that I would see better days.

Months 7-10- I honestly would have diagnosed myself as bipolar during this time(and I actually did receive that diagnosis!! Lol) I was so up and down, having several good days only to have the depression come crashing back down. I stayed very close to the boards to remind myself that what I was experiencing was normal and that hopefully I was very close to some stability!! I also started seeing a new counselor which helped TREMENDOUSLY!! She gave me the motivation I needed to move past the guilt I was feeling, rebuild my social life, and put myself back out there.

Months 11-12- I reconnected with a bunch of old friends and started dating a bit. Honestly kept myself too busy but was at least happily distracted from everything else that had happened this past year. Depression has almost disappeared completely. I'm also finally trying to build some better habits, get this weight off, and doing some planning for the future!! :)

I hope everyone is well, and to all those new on the boards, a better life is possibly!!! Yes it is going to suck, and there will be tons of sacrifices, but you do not have to live this way forever!! 

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This inspires me!  Thanks so much for this post. I'm entering 3 months now.  Hearing stories from other people dealing with the same thing really help. Congrats on one year! 

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Congrats!! 3 months is huge!!! Just keep coming back to the boards when things get tough!!! It gets so much better!! :)

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