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Danquit

Went on a date with a girl on Adderall. Relapse.

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So this is kinda random but I thought I’d share. I picked her up to go for a hike and in the car she was extremely talkative for the hour drive to the trails. The topics ranged from her family drama to ideas for apps she was trying to get patented. Then she mentioned that she was ADD and was on medication for it and I really started paying attention. Her behavior was very intense and she seemed to be completely focused on what she wanted to do never mind being on a date. She basically ran up the mountain while I could barely keep up! She was walking ahead of me but still talking non-stop I couldn’t even hear her but I don’t think she cared either way. It was scary seeing how someone acts in Adderall when you know exactly what they are going through. 

At the end of the hike I brought up my observation best I could but her response was immediately “I can’t function without it.” I will refer her to this site so maybe it will help. She desperately wants to stop but I can tell that it has her in its grip. Here is the plot twist. We were drinking at the bar after the hike and somewhere in the midst of all the drinking, she offered me a half of a 20mg addy and I took it! Fuck! Luckily I drank so much that I didn’t feel it too much but to be honest I wanted to see if I could do it and not get hooked again. I know that’s risky and stupid but sitting here the day after, I have zero desire to ever take that shit again. So does this count as a relapse at 2 years clean? I don’t think so. It was stupid but it happened.

the sad part is the girl could be really sweet and fun girlfriend, I could see glimpses of her true self but it was masked behind the Adderall addiction so it’s definitely not gonna work out. I don’t really know how to respond to her super long texts now, I guess I’ll just be honest. This was one crazy ass date I’ll tell you that! 

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I don't think one pill counts as a relapse, but there must be a price to pay for fucking up.  For example, you cannot honestly say you have been completely clean from Adderall for over two years now.  Don't beat yourself up over it.   Did you learn a new vulnerability to be aware of?  Did you learn any potential strategies for rejecting Adderall if it is offered to you in the future? You "wanted to see if you could do it and not get hooked again"?  I just don't see what could be gained from that experiment.  

As far as referring her to this place as a reference, I don't think it sounds like she is ready to quit, or even wants or needs to quit right now.

Too bad, it sounds like it could be a great relationship except for the elephant.

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Wow, crazy how something like this can come out of nowhere. Did you have any suspicion prior to going out that she might be on it? Did you mention at any point your history with adderall? Just curious as to how the whole thing played out. 

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10 hours ago, Nicole88 said:

Wow, crazy how something like this can come out of nowhere. Did you have any suspicion prior to going out that she might be on it? Did you mention at any point your history with adderall? Just curious as to how the whole thing played out. 

Nope I had no suspicion until we were in the car and by then it wa too late. Then the drinks got involved and things just got out of control. It was definitely a stupid one time screw up. Looking back on our pre-date communication, her messages to me were super long and jumped all over the place. I thought she was just super open and friendly because I met her on meetmindful dating site which is for people who are open and spiritual but I guess Adderallics can come off that way. It is so obvious now that I look back at our communication, scary!

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16 hours ago, SeanW said:

Girls man, they make you do dumb shit. 

True. It definitely factored that she had a killer body from that Adderall too. 

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16 hours ago, quit-once said:

I don't think one pill counts as a relapse, but there must be a price to pay for fucking up.  For example, you cannot honestly say you have been completely clean from Adderall for over two years now.  Don't beat yourself up over it.   Did you learn a new vulnerability to be aware of?  Did you learn any potential strategies for rejecting Adderall if it is offered to you in the future? You "wanted to see if you could do it and not get hooked again"?  I just don't see what could be gained from that experiment.  

As far as referring her to this place as a reference, I don't think it sounds like she is ready to quit, or even wants or needs to quit right now.

Too bad, it sounds like it could be a great relationship except for the elephant.

I agree on all points. I cannot drink and be offered Adderall or I will take it so I have to avoid this stituation. It was a learning experience and honestly, I think it has become part of my recovery story and I don’t beat myself up too much over it. I just wish I could help her get out of her addiction but I know that’s impossible unless she wants it.

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It would be nice to have a dating site where you could meet people who have already been through this shit wouldn’t it?

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2 hours ago, Danquit said:

True. It definitely factored that she had a killer body from that Adderall too. 

Lol that'll do it 

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7 hours ago, Danquit said:

I agree on all points. I cannot drink and be offered Adderall or I will take it so I have to avoid this stituation. It was a learning experience and honestly, I think it has become part of my recovery story and I don’t beat myself up too much over it. I just wish I could help her get out of her addiction but I know that’s impossible unless she wants it.

I know what you mean, you feel for them so much you want to save/help them so bad but it's useless until they come to their own realization 

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Danquit - Be extra vigilant these next few weeks. There is a tradition on here and IRL of people having a slip, aggressively and immediately claiming “it was stupid and no big deal and a learning experience and it’ll have been a good thing etc” 

Maybe. But on some level you've reactivated that neural pathway, regardless of your ex-ante intention or ex-post rationalization. You’re vulnerable right now. Sounds like you are processing and I’m glad you came here to share about it but my point stands: be careful. 

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1 hour ago, hyper_critical said:

Danquit - Be extra vigilant these next few weeks. There is a tradition on here and IRL of people having a slip, aggressively and immediately claiming “it was stupid and no big deal and a learning experience and it’ll have been a good thing etc” 

Maybe. But on some level you've reactivated that neural pathway, regardless of your ex-ante intention or ex-post rationalization. You’re vulnerable right now. Sounds like you are processing and I’m glad you came here to share about it but my point stands: be careful. 

I know, I just reached my two years when this happened. I am definitely processing and will heed your advice. I will continue sharing and seeking advice on here because I can feel that I am vulnerable right now and it’s scary.

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Agreed on re activating neural pathways and memories of the drug- be extreeemly hyper vigilant about any thoughts toward this drug right now. You know how the addict's brain works. '

'one is too many and a thousand is never enough' - NA handbook

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Good for you Danquit. It takes guts and transparency to be able to share that with all of us. Thank you. I cannot speak about the addiction side of adderall-as I am only an ex lover of an addict. (reason for joining 3.5 years ago) 

First and foremost, take care of you. You recognized the severity of the slip and it sounds like you've got your priorites (back)in order. It is so important to recognize your vulnerability. Hyper-critical is so correct-be careful. Great advice.

As for the love side of your life........

There are many women (and men) out there who are not addicts but have loved one.  Although I am no longer with one-I learned a lot...albeit kicking and screaming...but I learned and I grew. When I finally made the decision after seven years to move forward-I had a lot to work through-even saying at one point-never again...never dating-never going to love...never this...never that.  

I don't feel that way anymore. It took a long while for those negative "nevers" to leave my mind. Through group and private therapy-I can tell you this. There are women like me out there who will fight for you. There are women out there who will put your recovery first because they know it's the only way. There are women out there who will love you hard because they want to see you be the best version of yourself. I wouldn't date someone who has only been clean for a short time-but I can say I wouldn't hesitate dating an addict who was a couple of years out of the gate, like yourself. We are both smart right? We know the signs...we get that there are triggers-we can deduce the patterns. We also know when we must distance our self from situations that risk our sobriety. 

I guess all I want to convey is hope. Hope for love-hope for growth-hope for everything you have that is important to you. Hope for the sweet gal you dated as well-because I know there is a man out there who will love her like she needs to be loved-when she is ready to conquer her demons.

Again-thank you for sharing. Keep walking that path to recovery. Amazing things are waiting for you. :)

 

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On 4/26/2018 at 9:59 AM, Traceme said:

Good for you Danquit. It takes guts and transparency to be able to share that with all of us. Thank you. I cannot speak about the addiction side of adderall-as I am only an ex lover of an addict. (reason for joining 3.5 years ago) 

First and foremost, take care of you. You recognized the severity of the slip and it sounds like you've got your priorites (back)in order. It is so important to recognize your vulnerability. Hyper-critical is so correct-be careful. Great advice.

As for the love side of your life........

There are many women (and men) out there who are not addicts but have loved one.  Although I am no longer with one-I learned a lot...albeit kicking and screaming...but I learned and I grew. When I finally made the decision after seven years to move forward-I had a lot to work through-even saying at one point-never again...never dating-never going to love...never this...never that.  

I don't feel that way anymore. It took a long while for those negative "nevers" to leave my mind. Through group and private therapy-I can tell you this. There are women like me out there who will fight for you. There are women out there who will put your recovery first because they know it's the only way. There are women out there who will love you hard because they want to see you be the best version of yourself. I wouldn't date someone who has only been clean for a short time-but I can say I wouldn't hesitate dating an addict who was a couple of years out of the gate, like yourself. We are both smart right? We know the signs...we get that there are triggers-we can deduce the patterns. We also know when we must distance our self from situations that risk our sobriety. 

I guess all I want to convey is hope. Hope for love-hope for growth-hope for everything you have that is important to you. Hope for the sweet gal you dated as well-because I know there is a man out there who will love her like she needs to be loved-when she is ready to conquer her demons.

Again-thank you for sharing. Keep walking that path to recovery. Amazing things are waiting for you. :)

 

Thanks Traceme,

I ended it with her because I could feel her addiction affecting me negatively. I started smoking her e-cig when we would hang out and even that was starting to get addictive. Adderall addicts want to pull you into their little world of addiction. They can be very convincing and you start to forget all the negative stuff and I started to forget all the hell I've been through. It was almost surreal to be living in her world for a couple weeks. I finally just ripped the bandaid off and it wasn't easy. I actually was afraid to do it  because I didn't want to trigger a psychological break and risk the wrath. At this point, I have to say I can never date someone on Adderall. I just can't afford to be around it, ever. Adderall ruins lives, as much as I liked her, I just couldn't be around it anymore. I have to look out for me, it sucks, but it is absolutely the best thing for me. I wish I could help her but I can't. Fuck Adderall.

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8 hours ago, Danquit said:

 

I ended it with her because I could feel her addiction affecting me negatively. I started smoking her e-cig when we would hang out and even that was starting to get addictive. Adderall addicts want to pull you into their little world of addiction.

 

 

Fuck Adderall. It took ball loads of strength to end it.  I'd say you definitely learned some beautiful things about yourself-but it sucks just the same too.  Recovery is lonely sometimes-a lot of the times.  Recovering as a co-dependent is lonely too.  I've had to face some pretty harsh realities about myself.  I'm hoping that when we least expect it-we will be able to bring some great things to the table of our future relationships-because we know ourselves better than before.  <3

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