LuLamb

I'm 52 and today I ended my relationship with my Adderall supplier - my psychiatrist

39 posts in this topic

Today I quit Adderall. I need all the help I can get. I've read many here say how important it was to their recovery to use this site, so here I go...

I joined this site in May and I quit for about a month before relapsing while actually having a very fine day! Within an hour my prescription was waiting for me at the pharmacy across the street. Since then my use crept back up to where it was in May. I was sick last week and for a few days I took a little less than I am prescribed and was reminded a bit of who I am underneath my Adderall high. So I'm quitting again. Today was day 1. 

From this most recent relapse I realized the value in cutting off my supplier. It had never even occurred to me before I read it on this site that I could voluntarily and formally end the patient-physician relationship with my psychiatrist and he would have to respect that. When I wrote the letter, I explained as honestly as I could why I was ending the relationship, which was helpful for me to clarify. 

I'm not looking forward to the challenges of detoxing and withdrawal. Wish me well! 

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Welcome to the forums.  You have a good start with this endeavor by cutting off your supply.  Being older certainly makes quitting more challenging.  I was 48 when I quit after using it for nine years -and that was about eight years ago.  When I was in the process of quitting, it gave me tremendous encouragement to read the stories of people who had actually successfully quit and moved on with their life.  

I've always felt there are three variables that impact the length and difficulty of Adderall recovery:  how much you used (daily dose); how long you used (years on speed), and your age.

I remember the early days of recovery, when food and rest were my main motivators.  I hope you can rest a lot during these first few days of your journey.  And don't worry about eating too much.  I'm sure you know that drill..... Good Luck!

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Thanks for replying. It is helpful to know I’m not alone! Unfortunately, I have a busy work schedule today and tomorrow. I’m going out of town on Friday to visit my oldest friend. He likes to chill and go out to eat, so that will be helpful, lol. 
I first started using Adderall in early 2013. A friend had given me some to try. At the time I was taking Seroquel for anxiety. My doc ended up adding Adderall to my prescriptions because the Seroquel left me feeling lethargic and unmotivated. My highest prescribed dose was 35mg/day, but I started taking an extra half here and there and occasionally supplementing with extras I bought from my friend to make it to the end of the month. A couple of years ago I quit the Seroquel and tried to taper down on the Adderall. My friend said she wasn’t going to give me any anymore. My doc lowered my scripts a couple of times and when I quit they were down to 20-30mg/day, but I always took extra several times a week. I used to sleep like a baby, but with Adderall in my life, I felt fried all the time and was vacillating between trying to compensate for poor sleep during the day and smoking pot and drinking wine and taking different sleep aids at night, so most of the time I felt like shit. I knew why, but didn’t want to admit it. Adderall made it easy to avoid feelings of inadequacy in the early days, but eventually it increased my feelings of inadequacy, and I found myself reaching for it when I felt inadequate or feared a situation my make me feel inadequate-it became a vicious cycle. 

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Hey LuLamb. You are loved. And no matter what, adderall or siroquel etc you have value. 

I posted here tons in early recovery, and I haven't been back here fore a year or so; but yours is the first post i read and I wanted to reasure you that you are better without the drugs than with.  Moment by moment.  You can do this.

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5 minutes ago, LuLamb said:

Why do you think age and being older makes quitting/recovery harder?

Our brains don't bounce back like maybe they once did.  Easy as that.

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Your kind words are sooo appreciated. I know you are right. It’s ironic how on Adderall I felt like I never had enough time-I could barely account for where the years had gone. Now, I’m dreading the slowing-down of time. I’m a counselor in private practice and my Adderall self filled my schedule with back-to-back clients. The idea of sitting through hour-after-hour of sessions that will now slowly tick by is daunting to say the least. My first client of the day just cancelled due to illness (THANK GOD!)...I had been feeling I was burnt-out for a while. Wondering if that will continue to play out. But I want to know my truth and live it. At first Adderall made me feel like I was a go-getter. But ultimately I started to feel like I was kidding myself about everything. I don’t know what I want other than to get some clarity about who I actually am without the filter and distraction of Adderall. If that finds me burnt-out on my career, so be it-at least It’ll be an honest discovery and I can make changes that are true to me.

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@LuLamb It gets better! I too cut off my supply just today and I’m both excited and nervous for what the future holds sans Adderall. My longest period of sobriety was 4 months and I felt great but it never stopped the thoughts of ‘maybe it’ll be different this time’ when the refill was always an option. We’re both on to a better life, without needing Adderall! Good luck!!!

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Today is Day 3 and it’s going well. Yesterday I was shocked to accidentally discover two 20mg pills tucked between the top of my desk and its glass top. I am still surprised that I wasn’t even looking for them and that I didn’t eagerly pop either of them into my mouth. I didn’t throw them away either! I set them aside and at the time figured they might come in handy at some point. Whatever that means. I guess I thought I’d take them with me when I go to LA this weekend to visit my friend and if the withdrawals got too bad I could take a little to take the edge off. Now I am less worried about needing them and more confident that I’ll be able to muddle through without them. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel terrible either. I feel softer/smoother rather than the fried edgy feeling I always had while using. I feel sleepy and fuzzy and foggy and kinna achey, but also more relaxed and more awake to my “real” life. I’ve been aware the past 12 hours of how much Adderall changed the way I oriented to my life and people I care about. I’m grateful to already care more about both. It’s actually nice to have an appetite again. Last night I ordered a large sushi sampler and devoured every last bit in one sitting. That hasn’t happened in years and it was delicious. I’m taking a ton of supplements recommended by people on this site. Not sure yet what’s helping or not, but hey-if porcine brains have helped someone here, I’m game to try it, lol! 

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I’ve also been sneezing and coughing and having a ton of phlegm. Anyone experience that?? I figure it’s just part of the body’s process of detoxing...?

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I don't think age makes it harder to quit...I quit Aug. 10, 2017 after being on Adderall 17 years. I too am 52 years old.  The last couple of years I was on Adderall I was prescribed 40mg/day, usually running out before end of month.  Age for me was, now or never, and there was no more kidding myself about the harm it was doing to me physically.  That being said, I got another rx  within the last 2 years, so I guess you can say I relapsed, but really it was great for me because for some reason I felt AWFUL on it from the get go...not sure if my metabolism changed or what, but trying them again helped that nagging voice that was in my head go away, that maybe I'd be better on Adderall again.  Flushed them after using for a day.  You can definitely do it.  It is soooo nice to really really laugh again, something I didn't realize that I hadn't done in a long, long time.  Also learned about my genetics and vitamins I need to be using to help my ADHD instead of prescriptions, also learned to eat right, something I never bothered to do while using Adderall.  Age also gives us a bit more wisdom.  Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

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Your story of getting an Rx and not enjoying the Adderall and throwing the rest away is amazing to hear. That must've really been powerful and liberating for you!!!

I have only relatively recently learned that I have a habit of confusing feelings with actual wants and needs; and with true logic and reason. Even the last time I relapsed, I didn't realize at the time that I was acting on my feelings. I felt like using so I did. I am at least better equipped now to discern that there are many times throughout the day when I FEEL like using, either because I am feeling good and I feel like the Addy would really enhance that - OR- because I feel like shit and I feel like the Addy would remedy that. But now I better understand that that's a real experience I am having, but that it is not VALID and is not actually what I want to DO and it won't take me in the direction I actually want to go. For me, that's a big part of the rub. And it's taken me 50+ years to appreciate how that has impacted my decision-making and the consequences that have resulted as a side-effect. I recently read something that said, "a memory without the emotional charge is called wisdom". That really struck me. So, for me, this is one of the ways that I think my current age is helping me. But, hell, I'm such a newbie right now, i could be full of shit!!! I'm sure I am in for some unwelcome surprises in the days to come. But, I know I need to keep remembering to focus on wants and needs despite my fluctuating and strong feelings. 

 

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Today is Day 4 for me. It’s still going well and the beautiful weather here is really helping. I was feeling really sluggish this morning, and really wanted to cancel my clients and go back to bed, but once I was at my office and seeing clients, I felt better and it helped. I does make me anxious to be so hungry and to see myself eating so much more than I was, but I’m not really worried about it. I’m going out of town tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to it now. I’ll bring all of my supplements and the two Addys I found yesterday and I feel fine about that. I have not yet been tempted to take them. Maybe I’m playing with fire or kidding myself by keeping them around. I’m going to need to make some changes to my business - I don’t want to keep scheduling so many clients whether I’m in withdrawals or completely recovered this is bullshit what me on Adderall has done and the expectations it has placed on me work-wise.

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On 10/14/2019 at 10:11 PM, LuLamb said:

Today I quit Adderall. I need all the help I can get. I've read many here say how important it was to their recovery to use this site, so here I go...

I joined this site in May and I quit for about a month before relapsing while actually having a very fine day! Within an hour my prescription was waiting for me at the pharmacy across the street. Since then my use crept back up to where it was in May. I was sick last week and for a few days I took a little less than I am prescribed and was reminded a bit of who I am underneath my Adderall high. So I'm quitting again. Today was day 1. 

From this most recent relapse I realized the value in cutting off my supplier. It had never even occurred to me before I read it on this site that I could voluntarily and formally end the patient-physician relationship with my psychiatrist and he would have to respect that. When I wrote the letter, I explained as honestly as I could why I was ending the relationship, which was helpful for me to clarify. 

I'm not looking forward to the challenges of detoxing and withdrawal. Wish me well! 

I wish you the best. You can do it. I’m sure you’ve faced very hard things in life and come out on top. This is the same. You can win against this like you have against other hard times or hardships. Good luck. 

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2 hours ago, LuLamb said:

I’ll bring all of my supplements and the two Addys I found yesterday and I feel fine about that. I have not yet been tempted to take them. Maybe I’m playing with fire or kidding myself by keeping them around.

It's funny how that works.  I used to quit smoking cigs by having them around, and when I kicked Adderall, I kept a mutilated melted glob of two burnt pills on a rock until.....well, I still have that trophy.  I burned my last two available pills when I quit.

What matters most is your solid determination to make this Quit succeed!

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Yes I think I read your story Tuesday morning at 3 am this week, lol!!  Whatever works!!! Everything about quitting this time feels stronger and clearer. Not sure if that matters or what to do with other than keep on keeping on with what I want which is to be FREE of Adderall... 

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Day 5. I have read that withdrawals tend to peak around Day 5. I was up all night with a headache that started when I first went to bed and got worse throughout the night. Could not sleep. I was cold then hot then cold then hot. Could not get comfortable. Vomiting at 5am. Finally fell asleep for a little while after that, only to have to get up so I could get ready to go to the airport for my flight to LA. Sitting on my couch imagining my trip I decided I needed to cancel the trip and take advantage of the fact that I have four days off and I could just stay right here on my couch resting and recovering. Realized I did not HAVE to rally and pack, shower, hurry to the airport, wait for my flight, sit on a cramped plane for three hours potentially feeling trapped and sick, ride for an hour and a half in LA traffic getting carsick from the way my friend drives, lol, try to put on a happy face as a guest at my friend’s house for three days, etc. etc. It might have been good and fun and these symptoms might ease up in an hour, but it seems like a stupid gamble right now. When I told my boyfriend that I canceled my trip he said, “What?! Are you gonna be ok with nothing to do for four days and no Adderall?!” Which really annoyed me. He just quit vaping and keeping busy is imperative to him and he admitted he was projecting.  My friend in LA was totally cool with it. Phew!  I was cool with however he took it because I knew I couldn’t control that. So...here I am on my couch with four days off and no Adderall and no plans other than to rest and take good care of myself. I think I made the right decision. It sucks to feel like Ka-Ka, but one’s OWN couch is usually about the best place to be if that’s the case. And! I didn’t lose a dime on the flight as I was able to cancel it and get a full credit that’s good for a year because I was flying Southwest! Yay! 

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Today is Day 6. Slept well. Feeling kinna dense and cotton-headed and have a little bit of a headache, but relatively fine overall. I haven’t been missing or craving Adderall. Haven’t felt tempted to use. Really enjoying the peace and quiet and beautiful weather and having the doors and windows open. The smartest decision was to have these days off at home without my dog. If he were here he’d be yapping up a storm at every sound outside and although walking him would be good for me, right now it is better for me to take walks alone when I want to. Yesterday I walked to Jamba Juice and got a smoothie and then to Kohl’s to get some new walking shoes. It was so nice to just take my time and take care of me without having any obligations other than that. Despite being sick with withdrawals, my body felt good. On Adderall my muscles and nerves were always tight and I would stiffen up really quickly after doing any exercise. I actually felt like I had more endurance yesterday and was more in-tune with my body. I need to get out and exercise some today. I feel like my headache now is from getting too much sleep in the last 24-hours! That hasn’t happened in years.

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One of the things I’m finding very motivating is that going back to Adderall would mean I’d use for awhile only to realize yet again how shitty life on Adderall actually is and hating myself for getting back on it and then having to go through the deliberations and agony of knowing I needed to quit but being tricked by the Adderall to stay on it and then eventually deciding to quit again and then having to go through all of this detoxing and withdrawing all over again. NO THANKS!!!!! 

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Another motivating factor is that the opportunity to quit comes around infrequently.  I found that to be true with both adderall and cigs.  It could be another few months or years before you feel like quitting again.   keep going!

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29 minutes ago, quit-once said:

Another motivating factor is that the opportunity to quit comes around infrequently.  I found that to be true with both adderall and cigs.  It could be another few months or years before you feel like quitting again.   keep going!

Yes! Thank you! I see your point! The years on Adderall flew by and I cannot get them back ever. Wants vs Feelings: I do not want to be 6 days clean a year from now. I want to be a year and 6 days clean a year from now!!! I want to know me without and beyond Adderall. Even 6 days in I’m getting glimpses of the possibilities for having a real life of my own design. I’ve been feeling for years like I’m stuck and don’t know what I want and the reality is that that was because of Adderall - it’s been the elephant in the living room for SO LONG!!! To go back would be such a betrayal of ME!!!! I need to find more and more things that matter more to me than the false belief that Adderall matters at all EVER. 

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Arrrgggghhhh!!!! It’s not that I want to use right now, it’s just that I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I’m going to a birthday party with my boyfriend at a bar for some friends of his I’ve never met. I tried on about ten different things and I just feel icky and hot and I want to go but I want to feel comfortable and I feel all kinds of not comfortable...I’m committed to not changing any more times and I’m committed to not using. I am going to drink, but I don’t have any alcohol at home so I’ll have to wait til I get to the bar, which is a god-awful like hour’s drive away in freaking traffic...I already feel “FAT” after only six days of actually eating again. I know that feeling “FAT” is not about my weight but more about feeling somehow not good enough. Here goes nothing -Wish me luck! 

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