Relapse past weekend; intense depression

[neilrealdeal]

Sad and so angry at myself. I relapsed this past weekend at a party with cocaine, adderall, and a couple xanax to top off the night. I don't even know why I dabble around with the stuff anymore because it honestly barley does anything for me because of my past abuse. Woke up today feeling like I did at the worst point of my recovery --> sad, hopeless, anxiety, and extremely loneliness. I ended up holding a loaded gun to my head and had a strange wave of euphoria knowing I could make the pain end, but I came to my senses quickly. I just want to throw this as a reminder out there for myself and to you all to stay completely abstinent it's just not worth it, and it never will be. My brain simply cannot handle these drugs anymore. After crying all day and intense anhedonia I feel as if I might be able to get some sleep tonight. I hope this passes relatively quickly. 

[neilrealdeal]

I feel like I have come to a crossroads in my life. Have no friends and stay sober, or have friends and keep doing drugs. After a couple drinks of alcohol I lose self-control, I wish I wasn't this way and could hangout with them without indulging. I don't know what to do, I'm lost. Im only 23 years old

[SleepyStupid]

9 hours ago, neilrealdeal said:

After a couple drinks of alcohol I lose self-control, I wish I wasn't this way and could hangout with them without indulging.

this is usually how most people get themselves into trouble - it's like Jekyll and Hyde - the moment you're a little buzzed, everything seems like a great idea. i agree that your problem is probably a combination of this and your environment. to me though, the crossroads decision is an easy one: if staying sober means no friends for now, then stay sober. i know how hard it is to see past your current situation, but you have the rest of your life to make friends, and there are PLENTY of those out there that don't do drugs. you just have to be alive long enough to find them. (:

relapse is not the end of the world - but you almost made it that by having a loaded gun so easily accessible. i'm certainly not against gun ownership, but it doesn't sound like a good idea at this point in your life.

[Civilengr2020]

@neilrealdeal don't worry about the relapse.  It happens to all of us and all you need to do is keep moving forward because there is nothing else you can do but to move forward towards the person you want to become.  I might be wrong on this but could it be that you have an alcohol problem?  It was for me and my life did not really changed until I was able to stop drinking alcohol for good.  Even after I quit the amphetamines, alcohol was a huge problem for me and there was just no other option but to quit 100%.  That being said, I recommend you get some sort of help to deal with this.  I came across these videos  https://www.youtube.com/user/AlcoholMasteryTV and for me it was the best thing I could find on quitting alcohol.  Its different than Alcoholics Anonymous in that you are not a slave to an illness for the rest of your life.  You actually stop drinking and start living and loving life to the fullest without even thinking about alcohol after a while.  Also, don't forget about your spiritual life which is the most important thing in your recovery.......remember that God loves you and that He will never put you in a situation which you cannot endure or handle.  Don't loose hope, pray, fight, and keep moving forward to the person you want to become.  God Bless you!