LuLamb

Cleaning up adderall-messes at 15-months clean

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I made some messes on adderall. I’m really starting to see that. No telling if I would’ve made them anyway, but I think I’ve gotten strong enough recently that I’m working hard to get shit on-track and feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Realized for the first time today that theses are adderall-messes. Fast and furious impatient decisions that didn’t go away when I quit adderall. And I’m responsible for them. And I need to forgive myself for making them. And I need to face them and do what I can to clean them up. I think it will help me to begin to orient to things moreso this way. I started a meditation practice. Finally. It’s helpful. 

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@LuLamb you've reached a really important point in your recovery. as you say, the actions taken by the addict are the consequences the real you will have to bear. it definitely takes time and energy to sort through these various messes. for me (and many others), it was a financial sink hole that I had to work my way out of (it took me 2 years after quitting to become financially independent again). there are relationships to mend, habits to break and health to improve, but don't try to tackle everything at once!

 

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@LuLamb at 15 months clean, I found myself depressed, unemployed, sitting in bankruptcy court. Now I’m at close to 3 years clean and it feels like a distant memory. Your feelings are so real, but you’ll get through them if you keep going.

 Yeah, there are consequences, but there is also so much hope. I stunted my personal growth and life with my addiction. We all do to some extent. The first couple of years of sobriety were pretty rough. In year 3 so far, I got a job, and this summer I am getting married and moving out of my parents’ place. I don’t really care how long it took at this point, I’m just glad I did it.

There is hope in post-Adderall life no matter how long it takes to get there. Going back is hopeless. It’s very difficult at times, but a simple choice to make.

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I don't know what's real. I've been having terrific bouts of anxiety lately. A few nights a week I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic-usually something related to my business or one of my clients and the big trouble I am somehow convinced I am going to get into. But the anxiety could show up and attach to anything at times. Last night it seemed even more ludicrous than usual. I was in a total panic about THE CLOUD and losing everything I've got on it.  I've accomplished so many things in the last few years, and quitting Adderall was sort of the kingpin. Since quitting in October of 2019, I also quit smoking, went to 100% telehealth with my practice because of COVID, and moved back to Arizona, which I had been wanting to do for years. I love my new home and the solitude I feel like I'm able to finally get. My energy and motivation have been pretty good since I last posted. I have been going for long walks in the desert every day. I've been meditating regularly. But I feel like I'm losing my mind lately.  Is this PAWS? 

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hi @LuLamb

this certainly could be PAWS. i've experienced similar types of anxiety attacks, months after quitting, though I liken it more to a mild PTSD effect. I also had a very specific trigger for the episodes: it would be when I was driving down a certain stretch of road on the way home from work, and suddenly my mind would flood with all these anxious thoughts, worrying that there tons of things I'm forgetting about that are piling up (unpaid bills, errands, IMPORTANT SHIT!).

in reality, I was doing pretty okay. I think part of the problem is that we don't let ourselves truly believe that we're okay. there's some lingering sense of "residual damage", its almost like your subconscious doesn't trust your conscious mind that everything is okay. It may be that deep down you're still waiting for a sign (like a big accomplishment or win) to truly feel normal again. those anxiety attacks subsided for me once I had firmly convinced myself that I was "recovered".

that said, if the anxiety is crippling or interfering with your progress, you could see a doctor about it but be careful with prescriptions - anti-anxiety and benzos are often MORE addictive than stimulants!

hope you feel better, you've made such amazing progress (:

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