I want my soul back!!

[ldmcniel 119]

I first joined this site this past summer. Made it one day and then..... You all know what comes next. You think, okay I can take just one pill...just to take the edge and anxiety off a bit. Next thing you know, that one pill becomes 2 then 3 then within a couple of days, I am back up to 120+mg per day. Now it is effecting my health. My blood pressure is sky high, I developed Raynaud's, and other unusual symptoms. I can't even look myself in the mirror. I have become antisocial, angry and not the wife and mother I once was. The worst part is this is a secret that not even my family and friends know about. I hold this in for fear of losing everything. I know that if I don't stop, I will lose my life.

[Greg 1,733]

I remember when you were here and then we didn't hear from you. Its unfortunate that this happens a lot here. I recommend you become an active member on the community because they will keep you from using but you have to commit 100% to quitting. Idmcniel , you sound desperate, have you finally had enough to commit 100% to your health, your sanity, your family and your future?

[ashley6 1,163]

I remember you too. It sounds as though you may have just found the gift of desperation....when you realize your life is not working like this anymore, when the fear of living the adderall life is stronger than the fear of quitting.

[Motivation_Follows_Action 775]

The worst part is this is a secret that not even my family and friends know about.

Are you sure? I'm almost positive they know something must be up. Either they think you're developing some really bad psychological problems or they think you may not love them because the adderall has made you so insular and unable to cope with day to day relationships and responsibilities?

I'm sorry you feel so desperate but it sounds like you've realized that this is a place where you can find support, whenever you need it. Please let us know your plan to quit? You do sound like, as Ashley says, you've found the "gift" of hitting rock bottom? What do you think will make you turn the corner and finally flush the pills and tell your doctor to fuck off?

[ldmcniel 119]

Actually you are right about them suspecting something. The one who is the most tuned in to my emotions (or lack there of) is my son who also has ADHD and I am fighting his father and stepmother like hell to keep him off medication. No one but his stepmother thinks he needs to be on medication. I wish I could tell my doctor to f off but let's just say....I would lose my job. I can't believe that no doctor thinks that this medication has anything to do with my circulation problems. Duh!! Its a vasorestrictor, seems like the obvious thing to me. I know that I will have to do this cold turkey, I just have to prepare for the hellish days to follow.

[Heather67 161]

Hey fellow momma... I hear ya sista!!! Addies were my wonderwall! I got it all done..was everything everyone wanted me... obsessed over the Martha Stewart exsistence that my public demanded like no body's business....at the beginning anyway. The shit hates you and turns on you...says FUCK everybody,school functions,the kids pediatrician visits,oil checks on the mini van,your appearance, your health,your peace of mind....EVERYTHING!!!! I've been there, twice. Hating the thought of doing it another day,yet not being able to handle a day without it. I don't want to be there a 3rd time....I could,but only if I choose to. You will survive the rough stuff of the quit....if you choose to!!! Get a quit plan!!!! You have a family and obligations, so you need a plan that can deal with that. Please choose a trusted,loving person in your life to tell that you are dependent on adderall...we are as sick as our secret. Don't need to tell the world...just someone...it'll start to free you. Adderall knows its advantages ...and removing you from loved ones leaving you in its twisted isolation is a strategy it relies on. Start to lessen its upper hand. Start your struggle to get your life back...I'm a month or so in off about 400 mgs a day...I have 4 kids...one is with me from my second marriage he's 3....I'm 45....it's really hard...and I'm struggling with my own today....but I wont use. I can't go back...I have the blood pressure issues too....I wont make it to another quit. Please stick around this time. Good,bad or indifferent ...we are here for you!!,

[BeHereNow 1,204]

Please choose a trusted,loving person in your life to tell that you are dependent on adderall...we are as sick as our secret. Don't need to tell the world...just someone...it'll start to free you. Adderall knows its advantages ...and removing you from loved ones leaving you in its twisted isolation is a strategy it relies on. Start to lessen its upper hand.

Right on Heather, well said! I couldn't agree more, based on what I've seen this stuff do. My sister has a dark secret with this drug and she thinks nobody knows about it. She used to be a very sociable, outgoing person who has now isolated herself from the whole world. Even if I didn't know, I would suspect it. It's crazy how adderall insidiously starts isolating us and closing down our hearts to other people.

It used to be my dirty "secret" too. Now, I don't really care to hide it anymore now that it's lost most of its grip on my psyche. So, maybe by confiding in someone you really could loosen its chicken-and-egg, isolation-addiction-isolation spiral.

ldmcniel,

I think I started getting some Raynaud's type symptoms too.. maybe it's not as uncommon as people think. Hard to believe the doctors don't make those connections! Do you feel like you're ready to quit? Once health problems like that start I'm pretty sure they only go downhill if you continue with the adderall........

Hope to see you on here more often! You CAN do this and you have a very supportive group of people here to help you through it! We're rooting for you!

[ldmcniel 119]

The most disturbing thing is that I work in the medical field and I have actually asked the doctors " can I please stop taking this" I have been crying out for help. Maybe not in the way that they can or want to hear. Does anyone not notice the once humerous, fun, yes extremely hyper person has not been around for 2 years??? She has been replaced by an emotionless, dull, sometimes full of extreme rage person??? I use to be very intelligent. Now, it seems like some days I can't remember my name. I really would like to turn to someone and just yell "HEY! CAN ANYONE ELSE SEE WHAT I HAVE BECOME? THIS CANT BE JUST MY IMAGINATION CAN IT? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS TO CHILDREN AND ADULTS!! " Why does society want to take the creativity, humor, and fun out of children? Why do the schools want to teach a group of medicated "robotic' children. Lastly, why can't they see the poison that they are killing the most creative minds with.

[BeHereNow 1,204]

It truly is appalling. ldmcniel that's horrifying that the doctors aren't noticing your requests for help. It is not just your imagination. Adderall robs our life energy in the deepest of ways. It robs emotions, brings out the worst in people and hollows out the rest.

Maybe it's a phenomenon similar to the way anorexic young women are often encouraged to be anorexic by others who aren't aware that its a problem--people often complement them, especially at first, for losing so much weight. They are often perfectionistic people-pleasers, but people don't know that they are killing themselves slowly. Much with adderall, we get complemented on our productivity levels and quality work on the drug, and that fuels the addiction.

I'm not much of conspiracy theorist, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are some conspiracy theories out there behind why they give mind-numing, soul-crushing, creativity-killing, energy-stealing drugs to people, adults and especially children. With the directions our education system is going in, it fits right in with no child left behind type policies and the devaluation of arts and humanities, from elementary schools through university level..... even if it's not a conspiracy, it seems that creativity and being human are being systemically demoted.

[quit-once 1,651]

I surmise that most doctors who have prescribed adderall have not read the "8 stages of amphetamine addiction". They are only trained to look for the side effects that occur at "prescribed dosages", and that list is pretty short, considering the horror stories you can read about on these forums. Many doctors are insensitive to addiction issues.

[ldmcniel 119]

I finished my current prescription today. Why didn't I just flush them or just hold on to them and not take them? I am not sure. Maybe I wanted to feel every horrible thing that this drug has given me. Maybe I wanted to see if I felt anything positive on it. Its strange....I felt nothing. No sadness, no happiness, no anger, just......nothing. We will see what I feel tomorrow. I have no pills hidden and no script to fill. I have memories of how horrible it made me feel and how I was a much happier person without it. i am ready, ready to quit, to laugh again, most of all I am ready to feel alive again!!! This is my plan. Day 1 will soon begin.

[Motivation_Follows_Action 775]

Hi ld,

And you will be a much happier person without it again, eventually, once the withdrawal stuff has lost its grip. I'm glad you came back and just would love to hear about when it is you find yourself loving and laughing again. For me, it was about 2 weeks in and I said something that my husband laughed at. Something quick-witted and self-deprecating, like my old self. He looked at me and said, "holy shit, did you just crack a joke?". It was a really nice moment.

There are lots of nice moments to come, if you listen for them. Sleep, despite the guilt you will feel for how much of it you need, will be nice. That deadly comatose sleep is some of the most pleasurable sleep I've ever had, once I allowed myself to recognize that I needed it and I wasn't in fact being lazy.

So tomorrow is day one, and when is day 90? I know it seems like an eon away but if you focus on one day at a time it will be gone before you know it. Stay strong! You can do it. And keep coming back here and letting us know how you're doing.

[lea 180]

I finished my current prescription today. Why didn't I just flush them or just hold on to them and not take them? I am not sure. Maybe I wanted to feel every horrible thing that this drug has given me. Maybe I wanted to see if I felt anything positive on it. Its strange....I felt nothing. No sadness, no happiness, no anger, just......nothing. We will see what I feel tomorrow. I have no pills hidden and no script to fill. I have memories of how horrible it made me feel and how I was a much happier person without it. i am ready, ready to quit, to laugh again, most of all I am ready to feel alive again!!! This is my plan. Day 1 will soon begin.

Hi ld - YAY - no more pills !! For me that was the hardest part. And you will laugh again. I felt the same way as you not knowing why I waited to the point I did ... felt nothing except desperation... I'm just shy of 3 weeks so a relative newbie @ quitting. I was up to 100+ of ritalin ... The first few days were a blur, then short fleeting moments of optimism which is very encouraging. Every day my commitment to living stimulant free is strengthened by reading this site - the posts, the articles, "your challenge" - whatever. Do whatever you can do to stay strong and little by little you will feel better.

[SomedayDreamer 85]

I finished my current prescription today. Why didn't I just flush them or just hold on to them and not take them? I am not sure. Maybe I wanted to feel every horrible thing that this drug has given me. Maybe I wanted to see if I felt anything positive on it. Its strange....I felt nothing. No sadness, no happiness, no anger, just......nothing. We will see what I feel tomorrow. I have no pills hidden and no script to fill. I have memories of how horrible it made me feel and how I was a much happier person without it. i am ready, ready to quit, to laugh again, most of all I am ready to feel alive again!!! This is my plan. Day 1 will soon begin.

Finishing the script and fully noticing how horrible this drug feels was how I quit too. The day after the last pill was gone, I joined here and found this place to be incredibly helpful. Just reading and sharing with other people who know the hell that is adderall addiction has been indispensible to me in these last 18 days. Like you, I kept my adderall use a complete secret from everyone in my life, but like MFA pointed out there's no doubt they've noticed the changes in you.

The struggle to keep up with the demands of kids and work has been the most challenging part for me so far. I'm still trying to find sustainable ways to lighten the overwhelming burden I set upon myself of doing everything for everyone else for 7yrs on adderall. We are no longer adderall-fueled machines, we are humans and we have a right to our humaness. I hope your surroundings will allow for some latitude and cooperation on the responsibility front while you transition back to you true (and better) self.

[ldmcniel 119]

Day 1: so far, woke up and drank coffee. Kept feeling like there was something that I was forgetting to do. Then I realized that I didn't take my usual 60mg of Adderall with my coffee. I smiled it didn't hurt like when I would try and "fake" smile while on Adderall. Of course I am unmotivated and I have not a lot of energy but I keep telling myself that it is OK. I am not superwoman. I did notice that I enjoyed just sitting/laying around and talking and watching my kids play. I have been so distant from them. I could tell that they seemed happy too with the" lazy but here mom" instead of the "everything clean and organized but won't talk or look at me mom.". I can feel some anxiety setting in so I have been up and moving around a little to see if some if I have any natural dopamine left. I will see how the rest of the day goes. Its amazing how a group of strangers can become your biggest motivators. Thank you.

[sky 213]

it's really interesting to notice how (but of course) early on in quitting people are focused more within, and as time passes and the worst of it is over, the focus turns without- to helping and giving support to others....

Keep up the good work Idmcniel, just trudge thru the first day, two, three, you can do it.

[Greg 1,733]

Day 1: so far, woke up and drank coffee. Kept feeling like there was something that I was forgetting to do. Then I realized that I didn't take my usual 60mg of Adderall with my coffee. I smiled it didn't hurt like when I would try and "fake" smile while on Adderall. Of course I am unmotivated and I have not a lot of energy but I keep telling myself that it is OK. I am not superwoman. I did notice that I enjoyed just sitting/laying around and talking and watching my kids play. I have been so distant from them. I could tell that they seemed happy too with the" lazy but here mom" instead of the "everything clean and organized but won't talk or look at me mom.". I can feel some anxiety setting in so I have been up and moving around a little to see if some if I have any natural dopamine left. I will see how the rest of the day goes. Its amazing how a group of strangers can become your biggest motivators. Thank you.

One day at a time...all I can say is that this period in your recovery I think you have to be actively telling yourself not to relapse and be the most motivated. you can not go over the top when it comes to staying motivated to stay quit. I am praying we don't lose you back to the Adderall like we did this summer. But i know you can do it.

[Cassie 1,043]

Good luck! You can do this if you make quitting your top priority in life. Other things don't have to be perfect - just have really low expectations for yourself so you don't end up disappointed. Think of it like recovering from a brain injury or a stroke, relearning how to live again, and life will get a lot better after a while.

[ldmcniel 119]

The second half of day one was a little hellish but I can honestly say now I have gone a full 24 hours without taking any Adderall!! This is huge for me. I have made it through most of a day before and then would give in and take one. Not today! I also told my husband about it. He had thought I had quit this summer. He thought I had relapsed at some point. I had to look him in the eyes and tell him "I never quit." That was very hard. I was expecting him to get so mad and leave because I have been lying to him. Instead, he grabbed me in his arms and held me as I just broke down crying. This gives me even more motivation to stay off of Adderall. 24 hours down, the rest of my life to go.

[ldmcniel 119]

Day 2 has been hellish. I can't stay awake, I want to breakdown and cry. I am trying to work and its so hard! How did everyone else get through this? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[sky 213]

keep trudging thru it... it gets better. the pain is to remind you of the destruction it caused, to remind you to never go back. like the scary forest in any tail, you never need go thru twice... make it thru and it's all rainbows and unicorns and us waiting for you on the other side. It's a lot in your head, so change your thoughts when you find your addiction doing the thinking. suffer thru it, you can do it, the hardest part is now, toughen up and get thru and it will ease up. do not give in. the agony of defeat will be much worse... you got this sister

[ashley6 1,163]

I slept, broke down and cried my eyes out, slept, slept, slept, cried my eyes out, repeat.....the first days are so painful mentally and emotionally. I knew what to expect from this site, and that kept me from thinking I was going nuts. Your body is going into withdrawal, and it's all normal. I did the least I could get by with, and working much wasn't really in my cards much. I hate to be a downer, but you just have to fight with everything you've got to get through it without a pill. You should expect little from yourself for a little while. Use this site as your lifeline. We've been through it, and I honestly don't know what I would've done without the support I got here. Hang in there. You're on your way to a better, more peaceful life.

[SomedayDreamer 85]

Day 2 has been hellish. I can't stay awake, I want to breakdown and cry. I am trying to work and its so hard! How did everyone else get through this? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

Day 2 aching, crushing, dog-tired fatigue? Hellish, indeed. Day 2, in my experience, is the WORST physically (YMMV) If staying in bed for the next 48hrs is simply not an option for you (which it wasn't for me, either) as long as you slog through it upright and get through the bare necessary minimal tasks, you've done good-- and good enough just has to be good enough because just getting through it is an accomplishment in itself. Go easy on yourself, slack as much as you can and DON'T feel guilty about it. Coffee, 5-hour energy, red bull whatever can keep your eyes open if you have no choice but to keep them open.

Also, I personally felt tremendous relief from the physical fatigue using an herbal supplement called rhiodola rosea (can find it any Whole Foods or health food co-op)

[lea 180]

minute by minute ... you can do this!

[lea 180]

Also, I personally felt tremendous relief from the physical fatigue using an herbal supplement called rhiodola rosea (can find it any Whole Foods or health food co-op)

I read about rhiodola rosea on Dr. Oz's website -- looks interesting. Worth a try for sure!