mkatiara

Sold my soul to adderall and then I lost it all...

55 posts in this topic

The gift with the golden ribbon

Those sweet rainbows of disguise

The gift that keeps on giving,

Crumbles to sugar, broken from the lies.

Placed in the hands of the gifted

The candy colored wings that help you fly,

Euphoria quickens with the swiftness of a magician,

Needing that sugar just to feel alive.

From blue to orange we’re climbing higher

Too close to the rainbow to turn back now

Sold my soul when I untied that golden ribbon

The smallest sprinkle of sugar, had the power to control.

I began writing a poem last night to try and explain this hell that is my addiction. I started off just like everybody else. My sophomore year of college, I was on top of the world. I popped one or two of those blue pills, and aced my finals and every class. This is going to sound really dumb, but I began to think of adderall as a magic potion that I was so lucky to know about it. I didn't want to share even one pill, because that was one less moment of heaven I got to feel. I would listen to songs for hours, staring at the computer screen for hours on end. It was an amazing feeling and I could never get enough. And after awhile, I had to have it. It was all I thought about, just wanting to keep that high. I was losing weight during this time, already on my way down a road that would become my hell. I never slept, didn't eat much, and started to get the shakes in my hand. But it was very subtle, and I attributed it to being over caffinated.

I remember the first time I had an overdose. I had numbness in the side of my face, I was short of breath, and my hand wouldn't move. I tried to shake it to wake myself up, and it was just hanging limp at my side. That was the first of many.

My second overdose was much worse. I would get these terrible musle spasms. In my back, in my spine, shoulder. I would waste HOURS trying to get the muscle knot out, my eyes would blur when I was driving and I know it was so dangerous. I would just sit there and cry and beg for it to stop.

The third overdose was when I started to get the numbness in my feet. That was the worst. Because with that numbness came the slow concentration that became my personal hell. I would look around my room for hours, searching for something I could never find. My mind was slow and numb from no sleep, but I couldn't stay away from the adderall. It was killing me, but at the same time it was keeping me alive.

My fourth and fifth overdoses were when I lost my soul. I can no longer feel right now. I push so many people away because they don't understand. I neglect my assignments, I skip class, I miss things and I don't care. I don't care and I can't figure out why.

And then I remember what started it all: that little pill. I never knew what it could do to me. This is such a short summary of my love affair with adderall. It gave me everything, then took it all away. I hate this drug, I don't wish it upon my worst enemy. Because what adderall takes from you leaves you feeling emptier than anything that the stimulant can bring back.

I'm lost right now. I'm deep in a tunnel of addiction. I cried for hours today. I know it's my lowest point. I feel nothing, I feel sadness but no connection with it. Even the simple things like reading a book or watching tv make me miserable. I find no joy in anything anymore. And it's all because of that one little pill.

I know I have to stop, but what this terrible drug has done for me makes it hard to want to. I don't want to stop because it has sucked the life out of me to a point where I no longer care. But there is a voice buried deep inside of me that is telling me to walk on.

I feel like I am in such a dark place at the moment. No one understands. No one but the people who have lived through it.

Please tell me I can make it? <3 Alli

How adderall changed me:

First picture was before. Second one is after.

post-1701-0-20487100-1359513343_thumb.jp

post-1701-0-07016000-1359513424_thumb.jp

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welcome to the forum alli. we've all had similar experiences, feelings, results on our adderall rides thru life. we all ended up numb, the only thing missing were the yards and yards of gauze, otherwise we were entirely transformed into zombies. we weren't living, merely existing, not feeling, not loving, just feeding the shell that was left in our old selves place.

we're all in various stages of "quit", quitting that shit that has ruined us and created the monster we became. we're all feeling A FUCK LOAD better now, not peaches and ice cream, but feeling! it's like coming out of a fog and reeling from the light, our feelings are strong and sometimes foreign. depressions are deep, followed by giddiness and euphoria that is almost unsettling at times. but we feel. the further away we get from the adderall the better we are. quit that shit, you too will feel better and be reborn a new and healthy person.

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Glad you are here! There is no hell worse than this addiction and I can feel the desperation in your story. It's important to catalogue the darkness that you feel because reading it will help you on your journey. I know it feels hopeless when you are trapped in addiction but it really isn't. I had to hit bottom too but even after quitting, and I mean minutes after flushing the remainder of my pills I felt better. Just having taken the first step is a major improvement over the way you are feeling right now. I agree with sky that it's far from peaches and cream... what keeps me going is knowing that it will never be as bad as the misery of addiction -- and I'm still in very early recovery. Read this site and you will see that there is hope! xoxo

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Thank you so much! I feel so alone in this because there is no one in my life who understands. Getting a reply that says "I know what you've been through" is the only thing that can help me heal at this stage.

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I cried a lot too. I still cry sometimes. That's perfectly okay. When I first quit there were some days that I would get up to go to the fridge and back to bed and I would sleep all day. I was in the middle of my semester at the time and even after about 4 days of staying in bed I didn't care about missing class. I knew i should have, but i also knew my health was more important and that ultimately i was sick, and a sick body/mind isnt going to work like one would like or expect it to. Getting out of bed was the biggest struggle for me. Even just working up the energy to shower. (I did find if i took the time to shower and put myself together (even if it took FOREVER) i felt a little better) i didnt see the point. i did ALOT of nothing in those first weeks. I recommend netflix. Be lazy. Your body needs it, try and give it the time it needs to recouperate, Your emotions will catch up a little later. Keep listening to that voice inside telling you to walk on. It will get stronger and more confident in the weeks to come!

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Thank you so much. I can't imagine my life without adderall. But I know that if I don't soon my life will be no life at all.. So happy to read posts from people who understand.

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I understand the hell you are feeling. Adderall is killing me, inside and out. You lose your soul and then you might lose you life. I am only on day 3. It has been hell but it has also been wonderful. This is the longest time that I have been off Adderall in at least 2 years. I have received tremendous support from everyone on here and NO one has judged me. Everyone is here to help each other.

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So it does get better then? I have no life in me anymore, so I can't even imagine it. But I know it's there. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support!

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Right there with ya. For me it is going to require getting away from all the places and persons that I associate adder all with. I have seen more sunrises in the last 4 years than i wanted to. I still haven't quit and literally cannot control myself. I don't care about anything most days and I know that I did it to myself. So I can relate to you.

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It's like you know that you're doing it to yourself, but you know you're not entirely to blame. It sucks you in so fast, and without a moment's notice. It's the worst choice I ever made. Anyone that wants to talk about their stories please message me! And I will of course be actively posting on the msg boards as well.

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YES!!!! it definitely surely and with out a doubt gets better!!! it is tough and rough getting over the addiction hump, but that lasts days, and the rest is maintenance and regrowth. We have all become better people than we were when we arrived at this site. you'll see, soon you'll sound like me! 90 odd days in now, quit smoking cigs too, quit weed, eat healthy, exercise 4x a week, look good, feel good, life is fucking SO much better now!!! not peaches and cream, but real legit life.

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It will get better. You will come back to life, you just gotta reboot first. If you can embrace this phase it will be a lot easier. Reboot, eat, rest, sleep, cry, sleep some more, watch tv, eat, sleeeeep and nap, caffeinate when you HAVE to be somewhere, but when you're done go home and crawl back into that safe bed and sleep some more...sleep until you dont want to sleep anymore...youll feel pretty crummy during this time and for me it was honestly a lot easier to sleep through a lot of what i was going through emotionally and physically...your body is WIPED OUT, you brains neurochemistry is pretty messed up and it cant go back to normal overnight but the sleeping helps. after you've done this you can take the next steps. you WILL start to feel things again.

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Thank you. I hope so...I was overdosing VERY high. I would take up to 8 or 9 20 mg pills a day. I know that was a costly mistake...

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Hi, I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. We all have, this forum is full of amazing people who are struggling through together and helping each other, no matter where we come from or where we are in life right now. Have you quit yet? I wasn't sure from your first post...

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I was taking around that much too, towards the end of my use. I would lose count of how many pills I took and my script bottle would run out faster and faster each month. I would feel anxiety the FIRST day of getting a new script filled because I would feel like I was already running out of pills, even though I hadnt taken a single pill yet! I just knew in the back of my head I had lost the ability to control myself and would end up taking WAY too much. I dont want that anxiety back ever! Rationing pills, running out, hiding them, forgetting them when i left the house, thinking i had one extra pill in my purse and the panic when i couldnt find it there...my brain was so fried I felt like a hamster stuck on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning and getting NOWHERE...yeah there are definitely times I miss them, but then again I'm only 3 months in. Everyday is a new day and everyday I get further away from that volatile time in my life and that's a good feeling, even if Im not feeling good that day, and ALL I want is to take the pills again; you have to have faith that you're making the right decision...even if you don't believe it yet. You will come to believe it, but it comes with time.

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no:( i havent quit yet.... i know i have to though. thats why i came here. thank you everyone for your support and encouragement!!! youre all amazing :)

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What are your plans for your quit??? Ditching your stash or running it out,etc. ???? You know you have to, but when are you GOING TO???? :)

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very good question. when you all were thinking you were ready to quit, how long did it take you?? what made u finally do it?? im just scared to take that leap of faith. but i wouldnt be here if i didn't want to stop living this way... i just don't know if i'm mentally strong enough...

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Hi Alli, i can relate very much to your post as I am currently going through the same struggle. I just turned 22 and have been out of college for a year now due to adderall abuse. I have recently suffered a relapse in december but have since been clean a month. I have flushed 100s of pills down the toilet over past year and a half after i realized i was addicted to adderall. I hope you take a leap of faith and decide to quit knowing you will eventually see improvement in your life. My hardest struggle in overcoming my addiction has been going through the process completely alone. Just know that you are not alone and i encourage you to talk about your struggle and decision to quit with parents and close friends because it will be a difficult journey without them. I decided to quit about a year and a half ago but my longest time without adderall has been 67 days with several relapses during that time. I am just now opening up to family and friends about my problems and am now at 33 days clean and counting. You are menatlly strong enough if you know you need to quit and have sought help which it appears you have done so the next step is to do it and be prepared for a tough road to recovery. You can get through this.

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thank you so much for your help! i have tried talking to other people in my life, but i just don't think they understand the extent of what im going through :/ thats why i am so happy that i have this place. :D

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Yea i know what you mean and for the most part they wont. None of my friends can relate to me and my parents still dont u derstand. I discovered this website over a year ago but am glad i rediscovered it today. I took 100 to 200 mg daily if you can call it daily because most of my days used to just run together. Now being a month clean i have been dealing with insominia and depression this week but i know its part of the recovery process. I hope you make the step to quit and that we can help each other. Sincerely, Alex

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Mentally challenging it will be no matter what. You have a hefty habbit. Many of us did use like you do. And funny but...those dosages have us in a state of psychosis daily ...coming off it actually stops that and induces clarity and reality. Which yes..will take some getting used to. You will mentally be better rather quickly. Physically ..that will take longer ...quitting at the start isn't a fun place....but day one...never goes away. It is a hurdle that is a constant. This time I came off about 13-15 30's a day cold Turkey,about 40 days ago. Last time in 2006 when I quit...it was off 30-30's a day. It is beyond fucked up that a script meant to last a month was lasting me a day!!!! I went off that cold Turkey too....neither time did I hallucinate or hear shit or wanna just say ",good bye cruel world"....I just felt like shit and had to say ...".fuck it heather accept it...you are a speed junkie, out of control who can't even function on the shit you love anymore...stop digging the damage hole deeper because you're afraid to let go...it isn't ever gonna do a 180 and get good again" habbits are individual and everyone.has their own extremes(off the top of my head I know IN RECOVERY has some pretty crazy antics associated to his adderall abuse and he has years of time now ) but the quit is the STARTING LINE FOR US ALL. where the gun goes off and you get out of it,what you put in. Just want you to get well.girl,but you wont till you let go

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when you all were thinking you were ready to quit, how long did it take you?? what made u finally do it??

In a word ... desperation. I just couldn't take it anymore. That and sheer terror after my second 3-day binge in a week... shitloads of ritalin (lost track of how much), no sleep, no food, no shower, increasingly paranoid, wired grandiose obsessions over useless "projects", jaw pain, consumed by guilt over blowing off everything in my life that matters. Being a speed freak (for me) is like being a wheel-running rat that can't stop until they die and game over. There are a lot of stories on this site that scare the shit out of me, mostly because I can relate to them so deeply. And they also give me hope and strength. Just stay tuned-in and pray for the strength to make the decision to quit and you will find it. xoxo

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