fleetwoodlient

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About fleetwoodlient

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  1. I'm so hopeless

    Like all of you, adderall has ruined me. I've been addicted over a year now, I'm going to be 20 in a couple months. Without it I'm nothing. I can't get out of bed. I can't talk to anybody or do anything without it. Which unfortunately I deal with often, as my prescription is lower than I take to function on days I really need it. Days I'm not doing anything are days I just physically can't move, I can't just decide to leave my apartment if I need to save my adderall for work. One of them has to go. So many nights I stay up the entire time. I stay up usually because its a day I woke up too late and took adderall late, and the addy cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall asleep. Which when I get to the crazy part of the decline, my mind is racing 100000 miles an hour that it doesn’t matter if the adderall supposedly wore off 8 hours ago I havent slept yet or eaten anything still and I have to wake up tomorrow at a decent time. Ill stay up all night, wake up too late, repeat. When there’s too many days in a row where I can’t sleep in is when I really really lose it. Underslept and undernourished. Like tonight, it’s 2 AM now and my eyes are crossing from being so tired. I've worked three intensive back to back shifts for the first time in months. My body and stomach aches from no food or sleep for a few days, if I stand up even a little too fast I start to black out. Me writing all this was the effect of one of these episodes, too much of it all back to back to back. 1 hour of sleep, and no food. I’m seeing those little speckles of light when my body is draining and I am currently losing it, like I do more and more often. I know tomorrow when I’m refreshed and sober I probably won’t even really remember tonight, then just take adderall and start over. Hopefully I'll eat. My body is dying. Today I spent torturing my beloved boyfriend yet again. He would never leave me and I know this. Adderall has caused me to take advantage of this, it has caused me to become an addict and abuser (I am a child of abuse, but I truly don't believe I ever had it in me before adderall). It's not physical, but its just as horrible. Adderall cost me countless relationships, I stopped having any work ethic and dropped out of school. I was working barely any hours in the summer when I found out I was pregnant, about two months. Adderall and my lifestyle because of it cost me that baby. It was unplanned and I don't want a baby now, but nothing compares to this feeling. I killed my baby over time, starved it and deprived it and poisoned it until it died. Who knows what damage was actually done. Adderall killed my baby, it killed the love of my life's baby. And I'm killing the love of my life because of it. Abortion isn’t murder, what I did is. Everyday now is just another pointless day. I rarely find joy. If I do, it's quickly reminded how/why it shouldn't be there, and returns back to wherever it came from. Sometimes I think about killing myself, but I doubt I’d ever do it. I love all the people I hurt constantly too much. I care too much. Knowing how much it would hurt them is enough to never do it I think. Those things don’t give me any hope in mortal life though. I’m just riding the waves until finally everybody left that I’ve ever known gives up on me and I can just give up. I can't afford to not take it. It's not possible for me to go to work and pay all my bills without it. I just got a new job after not moving for well over a month after my miscarriage and just relying on others. I can't fuck it up yet. I feel like I might finally be making friends again after months of isolation and depression. I like how working distracts me from my thoughts, which is what I've been solely alone with for quite a few months. Living alone with my boyfriend for the first time, he was working 60 hours a week after dropping out of an amazing university for me to support us. That's another story, but I am a manipulative selfish person now. All I did was sit and rip my brain to shreds those couple months. Over my addiction and what it cost me. What its made me do. But right now I can’t function without it. There is no such thing as me anymore on a day I don’t take it. I could potentially talk about really anything else, but never my adderall. If I talk to a therapist about my biggest problem, the root of all wrong with me currently, she’ll take the adderall away from me. I am forever a prisoner of it. And it will eventually cost me the rest of my relationships, love, and life. It would take my ability to function away, literally take my life and whatever is left of me. I never want to have to go to rehab, I can't afford it and I can't have that stigma, I feel so private about this. I need to keep working and functioning and find a way to quit before I'm worse. That seems impossible. I made a big step today, I found this forum and I wrote a 8 page document about everything. It felt good to write it down. Good enough to tell my boyfriend about how severe this is, and it's nice to know that he will be here to support if I ever do this. I don't deserve him, and knowing this prevents me from proving I do. I push him away, always threaten our relationship to hurt him, say disgusting things to see his suffering. He'd never do anything like this to me. I truly just want him to get fed up with me and leave me. Just like all my friends did, just like I wanted. The day I was prescribed adderall was the day I lost who i truly was, I can’t believe this exists and is legal. I’d die before I ever prescribed a kid this. Who knows about anything I felt before, maybe I was even sane before this. I wouldn’t know, my mind is too skewed to distinguish what’s even real anymore. Other drugs feel good, I love drugs. All kinds. But adderall is all I actually need. If there’s ever a day I’m released from this trap- I will not get up, I will not speak, I will not succeed, I will slowly die within my mind until I die without it. but it’s fucking killing me BTW- I always had bad ADD and refused medications. I couldnt really function without it anyways, it was pretty obvious to anyone I had this. But now I'm crazy, miserable, and can't function.