AJ_Jr

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About AJ_Jr

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  1. Compulsive joint cracking anyone?

    Never got into knuckle cracking, but started biting finger nails like crazy on Addy. I can get fixated on nails, gnawing around the edges. Very self conscious about it and even hide my hands in some situations. Maybe it's the excess 'energy' from the drug trying to find an outlet. Or some subconscious self-soothing impulse triggered by the chemical. (?) Good news is, for me at least, behavior tends to diminish as I reduce my dosage, so hopefully not a longterm problem.
  2. I worked in a field that required fast writing on a strict deadline. This had always been challenging but not insurmountable. While on the medication I would sink into a sort of trance. I'd lose track of time in this fog and simple tasks became overwhelming. I would rewrite copy over and over, making insignificant changes and taking forever to complete. I'd re-edit video, fixating on minute details and forgetting the big picture. I would over research every story, reading article after article and then be paralyzed with anxiety to realize I had only minutes to print my work. I told myself I was being a perfectionist and doing a thorough job, but I was really causing stress for my co-workers and ultimately compromising the product for everyone, by missing deadlines and causing chaos by my lateness. I'd vow every morning to be faster, but with the pills, it was more a matter of chemistry than will power. After several warnings I was let go. I made excuses to myself and others but inside I knew the cause of the problem and my responsibility for letting the situation continue. The saddest part is even with this understanding, I continued using. Now I've burned through my unemployment in an endless tunnel of twitter news feeds, podcasts and other internet drifting. No motivation for anything else. I got a lot of reading done and applied for a smattering of jobs over the last 10 months, but in general I'm ashamed because I've never had more free time and accomplished less. Now I've been tapering off and ready to be done forever, but I'm intimidated to start the job quest / return to the world thing without them. The withdrawal funk is intense and I can't let it impede my quest for work. I wasted the luxury of time and savings, so now I'm hoping caffeine and perseverance will get me over the gap. Just found this forum today and it's already been very helpful and encouraging, so thought I'd share. Thanks
  3. Night and day tendencies

    Last time I quit it was like never ending jet lag. I was exhausted all day and wired all night. Couldn't seem to reset schedule. Now I'm weening off slowly and one of my biggest concerns is this schedule flip. Last time I found a ton of caffeine and walking in the morning helped. If I didn't move around within an hour of waking up I was stuck all day. I am questing for a job as well and can't indulge reverse sleep pattern when I'm off it entirely, in a few weeks. Hoping for discipline for early alarm and enough physical activity to be tired at night. The activity part is tough when you're fatigued w/o Addies tho. Alas.
  4. Adderall and Alcohol

    I drink way to much to counter the other effects of the drug. After initial jolt of physical and mental activity, I sink into a fog of isolation a few hours after taking Adderall. I just want to read and listen to podcasts. Even phone calls are exhausting because my mind feels encased in dull amber and I can't conjure words. Booze breaks that spell and allows me to be social. I would often have to drink several beers BEFORE meeting people for beers just to get to 'normal' state. Even casual interactions, calling home or talking to roommate at night, required at least 2 beers. If I engage with people without alcohol (co-workers mostly) I have to remind myself to make facial expressions of interest and eye contact. Alcohol breaks off the mask of blank stare and frees my face and mind. I also drank a lot alone to 'unwind' and get to sleep. Something new to me. Side-effect of all this is I gained a ton of weight. Even though I hardly ate all day, the carb loaded calories from the beer more than made up for it. I felt taunted by irony of getting fat on amphetamines. Now that I'm taking lower dose, this effect is smaller. Hope it improves further as I move off entirely.