WiredTiredUnhired

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  1. What's the craziest thing you did on Adderall?

    Writing while 100mgs of amphetamine are pumping through your synapses is enough to drive anyone clinically bonkers. Even when it comes to simple tasks like texting a friend, I will obsessively write and rewrite, sometimes for hours, because everything I put down on paper (or on my phone) isn't right or clear or articulate. This point makes no sense, I'll think, normally before I've even completed the sentence. Better tack on a few more words. Y'know, so the reader gets what I mean. Meanwhile, four hours have gone by and I've only managed to string together a paragraph or two. I'll briefly shift my eyes from the glare of my laptop to the digital clock beside my bed. It's 5:30 AM? And I hardly noticed a single minute pass. This is just one unique example. On Adderall, I can spend days spinning my wheels, working on a project or seeking a job or just jumping from one website to another. Only after the effect of the drug has worn off will I realize how much wasted time I've poured into completing some menial task. It all sounds so insane unless you've experienced it before. Adderall has a way of tricking our brains into mistaking mania with productiveness. It alters perception in a way that convinces you that there's no problem. You're not obsessed; you just hyper-engaged. All the while, you've got this broken mind whispering encouraging yet insidious lies. Well done! Keep up the good work. Overcoming the illusion is the first indication that your thinking might not be totally shot after all. The next obstacle is even more daunting. Once you subtract the artificial motivation you've relied upon for ages, where do you turn for the healthy, organic kind? I've forgotten what it feels like to care passionately about anything. I know the part of me that's eager to enjoy the company of others and pursue an interesting project or simply participate in life has to be inside of me somewhere. I didn't always feel so hopeless and apathetic. I want that feeling back. The hard part is accepting the fact that there's no magical potion that will make me into that person. Then I remember that's the kind of thinking that got me stuck here in the first place. Someone? Anyone? I don't know the first thing about how to handle anything that demands effort. Please help me if you can.
  2. I can't take my eyes off the date: March 13, 2019. It's the "2019" part that really hits hard. How the hell did life become this way for me? How have so many years slipped through my grip with virtually nothing meaningful to show for them? I was probably 18 years old when I took Adderall for the first time. That was back in 2008, over a decade ago. The year is 2019, my thirties are on the horizon, and I'm still popping outrageous amounts of those little orange fuckers every day. Even when I try to channel my mental resources into telling my story, I find it nearly impossible to make sense of what I've made of all this time. Virtually nothing of interesting or lasting significance has happened in my life.  Like many of us afflicted with this unfortunate obsession, I abuse a drug that casts the illusion in my mind that I've got life figured out. Under its influence, I feel like I have all the makings of a real live adult. Daily obstacles don't seem difficult because the chemicals acting on my brain mask the effort and discomfort normal people experience when they encounter something unfamiliar. Instead, the hard stuff that takes work feels effortless. This is the effect that, in my opinion, distinguishes an addiction to Adderall from other forms of substance abuse. Rather than a means to escape life, Adderall is like the elixir that transforms you into the person who wants nothing more than to participate in it. In fact, a better name for Adderall (or more specifically, its addictive appeal) would be imaginary confidence. Natural, healthy confidence is achieved in stages, through making mistakes and learning from them, by recognizing hardship, confronting it and ultimately developing the maturity to overcome it. And then doing it all over again. The reason I am an addict is because I discovered the artificial way out of that process. I never had to learn how to cope properly because I've spent years relying on a pill that does the coping for me. It holds your hand through adversity over and over and over, until you eventually realize that the "medicine" you've been using this whole time to help you become someone you like and respect is actually turning you into a broken, incomplete, helpless mutation of that "someone." And before you know it, ten years have vanished and you're still that frightened 18 year old kid who thought he needed a pill to fix him. But now, here in 2019, you're even more fearful than the person you started out. The scary stuff is still really, really scary. And all I want is the confidence Adderall gives me. I want it so badly that it hurts, even though I know the feeling is synthetic and fake. How do I escape the cycle? Where does a person my age with my lack of experience turn for confidence?

  3. 30 Days! (But Now What?)

    Thanks, Frank! And yes, I'm 28 so you could make the case that I'm still in my "mid"-twenties. Thankfully, I finally earned my BA about 2.5 years ago. There are grad programs, of course, but I would probably pick waterboarding over returning to school (right now) if provided the choice. I do like higher education---the sounds, the sights, the smells. Even the crisp autumn air promises unlimited opportunity, hope, inspiration, creativity, and a love of learning***. But just 31 days into my sobriety, I think I'd sooner jam a sharpened pencil into my eye than churn out 5 pages on Jane Eyre. Your college-bound son actually sounds a lot like me when I was an 18 y/o freshman. For most adolescents of this generation, the message behind why HS matters was as plain as day: "To get into college, dummy!" That was good enough for me...until I finally got there. Not surprisingly, I was almost instantly struck by intense, unfamiliar sensations of discomfort and unease. (It took two stints in rehab plus countless sessions with my psychiatrist of 4 years and counting to finally assign clinical names to these conditions and to properly treat them with non-narcotic antidepressants and cognitive behavioral therapy.) It didn't take long for me to arrive at a similar version of your son's question: What, I genuinely wondered, are these four years really about? And likewise, my HS offered a similar answer to the one your son received. A HS diploma + a BA degree + Internships + an Entry-level whatever + Promotions + Marriage all adds up to... No wonder I resorted to every drug dealer/pill dispenser on campus! After a childhood spent following the rules, doing the work, and sticking to The Plan, of course I couldn't cope without knowing what was supposed to come next. As a father who not only gets that the idea of "life's correct trajectory" is the stuff of mythmaking but also one who clearly adores his boy, this can't be an easy position to be in for either of you. You want the best for your son but learned a long time ago, as we all do, that "what's best" is rarely college. If there's something he naturally loves to do, though, like study film (I was always the AV dork...) or play sports (...yet played a season of D-III hoops!) or jam out on music or write for the school newspaper, there's a good shot he'll find it there. Friends included! College, it turns out, is precisely as valuable or as useless as one makes of it. (Unfortunately, I was hardly privy to this kernel of wisdom at the time. I was too busy managing an unauthorized, unregulated pharmacy by cashing in on endless stacks of written scripts and CVS bottles.) And if your son is anything like 18-year-old me, he won't fully understand what a truly powerful thing that is until real life kicks in. But hopefully, he won't take the bait (Adderall) like the people on this forum most likely did. Thanks again for your support, Frank. It always feels nice to be recognized for something you're proud of. ***Not including the $200,000K in student debt you'll owe by the end of your senior year. There is good news, however. In exchange for a modest six-figure balance, you'll be afforded the privilege to enjoy American academia's rich history of unabashed patriarchy, sex abuse scandals (followed swiftly by ugly, litigious coverups), Greek life and the extremely disturbing behavior it condones, and of course, the Universities themselves which turn a blind eye to all that and more!
  4. 30 Days! (But Now What?)

    Well, folks, I'm proud to say I haven't taken a single Adderall in 30 days, which is probably the longest I've gone without one in years. But I'm beginning to learn how pleasant it is to lead a balanced lifestyle and think with a level head. My panic attacks are significantly reduced. My confidence is slowly returning. I don't feel nearly as intimidated by new people or situations. In fact, I'm traveling to Israel next month! I guess this is what growing up feels like. (Only took me the better part of a quarter-century to figure that one out!) Of course, life still isn't exactly rainbows and apple pie. And make no mistake: There are times I miss the euphoria, the instant bolt of energy. First things first: I'm still unemployed. (Seriously, what do people without connections and specialized skills do about finding work? "Go to college," they said. "You'll find a job after college," they said! It's a good thing sites like Indeed and LinkedIn don't require degrees to sign up.) I'm still lonely. (This one's a real Catch-22. I dread meeting new people but feel overwhelmingly sad when I'm alone. I immediately crawl outta my skin in social situations but desperately miss the company of others.) And I still lack meaningful direction. Perhaps I'm being hard on myself. After all, thirty days sober---an achievement to be sure---is hardly an eternity. I guess I'm just in a rush to make up for all that lost time spent drugging myself. So, net-net? I think I've made impressive strides since last month. I'm moving forward, not backward. Believe me: I don't need to tell anyone reading this that kicking a daily habit of several 30mg IR tablets is no joke. And achieving that brings me a real sense of pride. But what now? How do people make friends? Find romance? Earn a living? Become adults? Sure, I've got some serious catching up to do. I know that much. Yet I haven't a clue how to begin, where to turn, or with whom to associate (not counting 12-step support).
  5. Hi friend. Are you doing okay?

    1. Antoshkacak

      Antoshkacak

      http://smelovsky.com/meta_book/trening-sistema-dizayn-vnutrennikh-so-67/

  6. Please Help

    This is not easy to say this but I can't store it inside any longer. At this moment, I want to die. Let's give it a name. How's severe suicidal ideation? I've been taking between 120-150mgs of Adderall IR every day since I received my last refill. I spend all day feeling like a rockstar, behaving like some kind of manic weirdo, spontaneously talking to strangers about nonsense that seems exciting and charismatic through my eyes. But if people didn't know better, I'm pretty sure they'd think I was some raving lunatic. So I guess I'm lucky I don't meet the physical profile of a homeless drug addict? Anyway, after hours and hours of spinning my wheels, doing a lot without actually getting anything done, I turn to my Xanax prescription because I need to recover from all that time not eating or sleeping. I'll take 8mgs of that at once. That way, when I'm conscious 4 hours later, I can repeat the exact same cycle the following day. Obviously, at such insane quantities and rates of intake pounding two highly addictive, often lethal drugs, I run out fast. Ten to twelve days if I use "responsibly." Naturally, I crash almost immediately. Remember that rockstar with a broken brain telling him he could conquer the world? Well, right now he's hibernating in his messy room, alone and friendless and a joke of a human being. It doesn't feel over-the-top to say people like me don't deserve to live. Even worse, this is not even close to the first time I've been through drug-induced nightmares like the exact same one I've been subjecting myself to for years. I normally characterize the feeling as "hopeless" because invoking the word "suicidal" opens the doors to hospitals and group therapy and 12-step meetings and medications and so on, all of which I've endured firsthand as a patient. More than once, it shames me to say. There are kind people out there who say I'm hardly the biggest fuck-up in the world but I'm only inclined to believe them because how the hell would I know? It's not as if I have an impressive circle of friends or family or people in general. I'm just a nobody who lives for a drug that tricks his brain into feeling less broken. If anything I've described in this post sounds even remotely familiar or relatable, please say hello. I can't take much more of this loneliness. My goal is not to forge lifelong friendships, per se. I just crave company. Will someone out there spare just a little bit of their time to help a stranger feel less worthless? Please. I'm desperate.
  7. There have to be lots of memoirs/works of fiction on the subject of adderall addiction, right? Can anyone here offer a good recommendation? I could really use the inspiration today. Thank you.
  8. Hi Tom,

    Thanks for taking the time to read my post. It was not an easy thing to write so I appreciate the encouragement.

    Michael

  9. What If I Just Can't?

    Greetings, I am so, so, so conflicted! On one hand, I wouldn't be here if a piece of me wasn't at least somewhat interested in kicking Adderall. Since I opened this account a few days ago, I visit these forums several times a day. I posted an abridged version my story. I know this is unsustainable and will just get worse if I continue. On the other hand, however, I still crave my confidence candy. In a couple days, the effects will wear off and I'll revert to a comatose state. I'll lose that immediate kick of courage and enthusiasm it gives me. My confidence will be totally deflated. I've read a lot of posts here saying time will heal these deficiencies. But in my experience, it never does. The motivation Adderall gives me may be artificially induced but it's better than nothing. I know this may seem childish, but when I have a fresh prescription at my disposal, I'd rather resort to the fake boost than take my chances with real apathy. Why is it so daunting to give life a drug-free chance? How does one learn how to handle hardship and boredom and responsibility like an adult? How does one develop passions the natural way? Do I even have the capacity to lead a healthy existence anymore, to set goals and take the steps to achieve them without a stimulant to get me over the hump? What do people do to make the adjustment more seamless? Please, folks. It hasn't even been 24 hours since I was last able to bring myself to abstain, and I can already start to feel hopeless and lethargic. "Make recovery your full-time job," they say. But what if the inspiration is gone for good? Then what? WiredTiredUnhired
  10. Saying Goodbye to My Charisma Candy

    Greetings Everyone, First, here's a brief introduction. I've been familiar with this site for at least a year by now, but today I'm proud to say I finally decided to open an account!* (I'll be posting my story after I complete and post this entry.) I've wanted to be a regular participant on this site because of the hope you all inspire each time I recognize a piece of myself in your stories. This is something I could never get out of 12-step recovery, despite the last seven years I've spent attending AA meetings pretending to believe in God so as not to draw attention. You know how they love to say an addiction is an addiction all the time, right? Well, when I discovered QuittingAdderall.com and read your stories and insights for the first time, I immediately took comfort in knowing that there was a community of people out there who understood how our addiction to Adderall is unique after all. Not necessarily more or less challenging to overcome than an addiction to alcohol or heroin, for example. Simply a different condition that requires different approaches to combat. When I used other substances like booze or weed or Xanax and even heroin for a time, the reason was to resign from life. Plain and simple. "I don't want to try anymore," my mind would tell me. "What's the point? Leave me alone." Adderall, on the other hand, has the opposite effect on me. I take it to engage in life. Sober, the world is a woefully dreary place. Everything lacks flavor, color, and texture. I have no perceptible purpose. In fact, I can barely remember what it even felt like to harbor interests and pursue goals before Adderall. It doesn't even seem possible to summon real, organic enthusiasm for anything. I'm also not the natural extrovert I've spent my whole life wanting to be---the kind of person who's effortlessly motivated to meet new people and try new things and spend time in new places. Once Adderall came into my life, however, my inhibitions were at long last lifted. Suddenly I felt overcome with excitement. People were finally noticing me, it seemed. I felt spontaneously compelled to read and write for recreation. I no longer dreaded the company of others. Since then, I never needed to learn how to socialize or develop interests on my own because I had found the magical elixir that did those things for me. (An honest marketing campaign might read something like "Personality In a Pill.") And yet the world still mistakenly believes Adderall is dangerous exclusively because of its prevalence on college campuses and in academic circles. Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me. In Mike's description of "The Challenge," he says the goal is to wake up feeling like Superman without Adderall, but I worry that ship has sailed for me. Once Adderall is subtracted from my life, I have no clue who I am anymore. Even worse, I lack the motivation and courage to bother figuring out who that person once was to begin with. What if he's just the shy, anxious recluse he's always hated? Why is the undrugged version of me such a bore? Again, my compulsion to use stimulants stems from a desire to actively participate in life, not to submit to its hardships and wait out the clock. I'd go back to drinking and popping Oxy if that were the case. And even though I'm aware that the perceived personality Adderall gives me is largely an illusion, I've yet to find a satisfying alternative. It's all I've got for now. Why can't I simply get out of bed each morning, clean and sober, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work (I don't have a job), talk to people without succumbing to a panic attack, work out, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again? Why isn't that good enough for me? It appears to be good enough for most, right? Did Adderall ruin me? Did it break me for good? Because that's how it feels. Adderall the Study Medicine? For many, yes. But not as it concerns my addiction. In my case, I rely on it to rewrite the parts of myself that demand correction. Without my Personality Candy, however, I'm lost. The motivation to create and succeed? The bravery it takes to connect with people? The confidence I need to carry a career? How am I simply supposed to learn these skills after roughly a decade operating under its influence? Please, fellow speed heads, surely you must empathize with my alarm. How did you address your obsession with Adderall? Does it get easier? Are there techniques? Are there groups (specifically in NYC)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. You people are my best shot. Best, WiredTiredUnhired
  11. My Personality Medicine

    Greetings Everyone, First, here's a brief introduction. I've been familiar with this site for at least a year by now, but today I'm proud to say I finally decided to open an account!* (I'll be posting my story after I complete and post this entry.) I've wanted to be a regular participant on this site because of the hope you all inspire each time I recognize a piece of myself in your stories. This is something I could never get out of 12-step recovery, despite the last seven years I've spent attending AA meetings pretending to believe in God so as not to draw attention. You know how they love to say an addiction is an addiction all the time, right? Well, when I discovered QuittingAdderall.com and read your stories and insights for the first time, I immediately took comfort in knowing that there was a community of people out there who understood how our addiction to Adderall is unique after all. Not necessarily more or less challenging to overcome than an addiction to alcohol or heroin, for example. Simply a different condition that requires different approaches to combat. When I used other substances like booze or weed or Xanax and even heroin for a time, the reason was to resign from life. Plain and simple. "I don't want to try anymore," my mind would tell me. "What's the point? Leave me alone." Adderall, on the other hand, has the opposite effect on me. I take it to engage in life. Sober, the world is a woefully dreary place. Everything lacks flavor, color, and texture. I have no perceptible purpose. In fact, I can barely remember what it even felt like to harbor interests and pursue goals before Adderall. It doesn't even seem possible to summon real, organic enthusiasm for anything. I'm also not the natural extrovert I've spent my whole life wanting to be---the kind of person who's effortlessly motivated to meet new people and try new things and spend time in new places. Once Adderall came into my life, however, my inhibitions were at long last lifted. Suddenly I felt overcome with excitement. People were finally noticing me, it seemed. I felt spontaneously compelled to read and write for recreation. I no longer dreaded the company of others. Since then, I never needed to learn how to socialize or develop interests on my own because I had found the magical elixir that did those things for me. (An honest marketing campaign might read something like "Personality In a Pill.") And yet the world still mistakenly believes Adderall is dangerous exclusively because of its prevalence on college campuses and in academic circles. Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me. In Mike's description of "The Challenge," he says the goal is to wake up feeling like Superman without Adderall, but I worry that ship has sailed for me. Once Adderall is subtracted from my life, I have no clue who I am anymore. Even worse, I lack the motivation and courage to bother figuring out who that person once was to begin with. What if he's just the shy, anxious recluse he's always hated? Why is the undrugged version of me such a bore? Again, my compulsion to use stimulants stems from a desire to actively participate in life, not to submit to its hardships and wait out the clock. I'd go back to drinking and popping Oxy if that were the case. And even though I'm aware that the perceived personality Adderall gives me is largely an illusion, I've yet to find a satisfying alternative. It's all I've got for now. Why can't I simply get out of bed each morning, clean and sober, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work (I don't have a job), talk to people without succumbing to a panic attack, work out, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again? Why isn't that good enough for me? It appears to be good enough for most, right? Did Adderall ruin me? Did it break me for good? Because that's how it feels. Adderall the Study Medicine? For many, yes. But not as it concerns my addiction. In my case, I rely on it to rewrite the parts of myself that demand correction. Without my Personality Candy, however, I'm lost. The motivation to create and succeed? The bravery it takes to connect with people? The confidence I need to carry a career? How am I simply supposed to learn these skills after roughly a decade operating under its influence? Please, fellow speed heads, surely you must empathize with my alarm. How did you address your obsession with Adderall? Does it get easier? Are there techniques? Are there groups (specifically in NYC)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. You people are my best shot. Best, WiredTired Unhired.
  12. New York City, let's meet up

    New Yorkers, is this page still active? I could really use the company of someone who really gets what this is like. If so, please don't hesitate to reach out. I just opened an account on this forum so this is all still fairly new to me.