Evie25

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About Evie25

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  1. Losing my resolve

    Janie, I feel for you. The first couple of weeks are the WORST. I don't know how you have a bottle of Ritalin and adderall without taking it. You must have more willpower - That would be impossible for me. Things do get easier, but I still have major insecurities - I think the Adderall made me feal smarter at work. How did you feel on the first day of work after quitting Adderall? I felt like I had this special power that was taken away from me- Felt very self-critical and vulnerable
  2. Losing my resolve

    Thank you - this perspective helps so much. It's a slip up, doesn't undo all if he work I put into quitting. I just got rid of them an hour ago. It was 3 days I was on them. I'll learn from it and move on. So scary how I seem to succumb to the addiction once it's in my possession and keep thinking about it nonstop and then taking massive amounts. And it didn't even make me feel good about focusing .. Felt like it was a mask soothing my insecurities about my intelligence level.
  3. Losing my resolve

    I just relapsed again. I was off it for six months and I thought things would get better as far as my personal life. However, I still had problems with my boyfriend and family and since my relationships didn't improve off it, I lost my resolve. I thought once I returned to my more laid back, humorous self, at least that part of my life would improve. Continued to feel slow and stupid at work and was extremely bored with life. Nothing interested me. So, I figured what would a few days on it hurt? I would get a lot done at work and things were already doomed with my boyfriend, so I wouldn't be destroying that. It's day 3 and I've already taken 80 mg today. I think I will flush them. I feel so disappointed in myself and exhausted.
  4. Losing my resolve

    Gosh, I could have written what you just wrote, it's so similar to how I feel. I'm in the Midwest, but it's also bitter cold and gloomy. I feel so tired, jaded and unmotivated to do things that don't catch my interest (and very little catches my interest these days). I miss the crazy bursts of energy and focus badly. But, I also remember the comedowns and how paranoid and uncomfortable in my own skin I became. And how difficult it was to have a sense of humor and be lighthearted. The negative aspect of the adderall was so ugly. I also am very weight conscious and think part of the reason I liked taking it so much was that it was effortless to be thin. I will say, as time progresses, it does get easier. But I think it'll be a while longer before I stop wishing I had addy everytime I feel slow or stupid and incapable of being productive. Thanks for sharing. It helps knowing others are in the same boat.
  5. Losing my resolve

    Thank you for this very helpful response! "Also, how about reframing your belief that your self worth is determined by being productive and getting things done? What about opening up your frame of reference in regards to how you define your self worth?" I found your above statement very interesting, because for most of my life, I've put so much emphasis on how hard I work and being disciplined that if I'm not working hard, I start to think very lowly of myself. I don't think I've ever considered that there are alternative ways to define my self-worth then my accomplishments. I'm reading a bit more on this including the links you provided and will have to think over this a bit and reexamine my thought process.
  6. Losing my resolve

    Thanks, it helped hearing that you did the bare minimum at work for the first year. I am getting impatient, but have to keep reminding myself that it takes time. "No one enjoys mundane tasks, but eventually they will become bearable as you relearn to detach emotion from them" Found this statement very helpful, because right now I become very emotional and self-critical about completing tasks, but if I learn to become more detached about doing them, I think they will become more bearable.
  7. Losing my resolve

    Good question. I guess I'm confused. I liked the way I worked better on Adderall, which made me more confident (even though maybe it was a false confidence). However, I disliked my personality in that I was so humorless and ill tempered. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that getting more done at work was not worth losing friends or relationships over. Maybe I should keep reminding myself of that.
  8. Losing my resolve

    It's been roughly six months since I quit adderall (wasn't the first time I quit). Still, after all this time, I find myself missing the addy and thinking about it, almost daily. I was prescribed 30 mg, but was taking over 80 mg a day. Eventually, the same thing happened that has always happened when I've taken it over a long period of time. I became incredibly irritable, didn't sleep, obsessed endlessly over minor things and lost my sense of humor. Right now, I will say that my interpersonal relationships have improved greatly. However, I'm extremely unmotivated at work. Things are slow now, but I find myself getting little done, and then beating myself up for my lack of productivity. I know everyone else likes me better off the adderall (have heard from numerous people). However, I can't say I like myself better. Getting things done and being productive determines my self worth, and it's hard to like myself when I'm disinterested in the mundane tasks that are needed to be completed at work. Should I be concerned that after this amount of time, I'm still missing the adderall, dreaming about it, and wishing I had just a few to get me through the work day?
  9. Here I am...again

    I feel initially I am, but that could be more in my head than reality. Like you, ultimately I find that I spend copious amounts of time on tasks that don't really matter, obsessing over minute details. I also find that I take forever to get things done, because I'm so intent on producing something "perfect." Totally agree with you about the useless busy work.
  10. 8 Stages of Amphetamine Use/Abuse

    100% true. I'm back at stage 6. Hopefully for the last time.
  11. Here I am...again

    So after all the energy invested in quitting this hellish drug, I somehow convinced myself that it wasn't so bad and that I'm more productive at work with it. I was doing so well, 8 months off it. Yet I kept thinking back to the mental clarity I initially felt on it. Of course, several months later, here I am again. Tweaked out, overly intense, paranoid. Ruining relationships with others, lost and uncertain of who I am. I flushed them down the toilet today, but the thought of going through the entire quitting process again is exhausting. Last time I quit, I felt power from not telling my psychiatrist about the addiction and ripping the prescriptions up. Which, in hindsight, was a way for me to not totally commit to never taking it again. I MUST stop for good this time and remember how bad this drug really is. How you start taking it feeling energized and on top of the world, and then how it slowly eats away at you, stealing your soul bit by bit. So discouraged and so tired. And so disappointed in myself for letting this happen again.
  12. Chicago

    Hi Everyone, I'm in the Chicago area and would also be happy to meet up with both of you. I am around 8 months clean, and doing a lot better, but it's always helpful to talk with others.
  13. Adderall and Prescriptions

    Well I definitely need to tell my Dr. to cut me off, because something happened the other day that was very scary. He gave me 2 prescriptions for the adderall to last me for two months, and as soon as I'd left the Dr.'s office, I ripped up one adderall prescription, but had forgotten that there was still one more prescription, for the other month (along with my lexapro and ativan prescription). Yesterday I was having a bad day at work. I was making mistakes-minor ones, but was doubting my intelligence and adequacy. Then I started going through my purse and it dawned on me that there was still one more adderall prescription, for the other month. I couldn't resist, refilled the prescription, and took the adderall yesterday. Of course I felt tweaked out later that night and it was a bad feeling. This morning, I flushed the pills. So thankfully only one day where I took them. But, I can't afford to put myself in the position where I can take them-just playing with fire. Good for you for calling the Dr. I need to do the same.That must have taken a lot of strength. I hope I have the same feeling of relief as you did when you knew it was done for good. I don't know why I'm so hateful of myself....just have major self-esteem issues and question my abilities at work, school, etc.
  14. Adderall and Prescriptions

    well, I had the appointment, got the adderall prescription, and promptly disposed of it. I guess this is where I'm at right now. Baby steps....