Hesperus

I'm diagnosed as ADD with no faked symptoms. But I think the diagnosis (as a general matter of principle) is broken. I wrote a 10-page or so essay about a year ago on my opinion of diagnoses of ADD, depression, and other common mental disorders. Basically, I believe that there's nothing about ADD that essentially exists, but that these things can be useful for practical purposes (like having experimental data on people with similar patterns of behavior and response). But the way we divide behaviors out is often arbitrary, and we assume that even the most common disorders are problems with the people rather than problems with the culture or the expectations of that culture. I think it's pretty messed up: our culture, our cultural expectations, and the way we tell people they have a problem when they can't meet the broken cultural standards. And the way we get them addicted to expensive drugs as a response is also pretty messed up. I believe there are better response patterns, but most of them require practice (like regular exercise, proper diet, meditation, etc., all of which have been demonstrated as being effective in treating ADD symptoms) and most are free (which is a big problem, because it means no one has an incentive to sell it to people). So while I don't think ADD is "fake" (I think all labels are similarly "fake," so "fake" stops meaning anything), I do think ADD is a problem with our culture, our general approach to ADD is dysfunctional, and ADD signifies a broader "issue of the mind" that can be resolved holistically. (The things that help treat ADD without medication also help treat anxiety and depression, and most people diagnosed with ADD are co-morbid with at least one other disorder, which makes me feel that the root issues of these different diagnoses is a singular type of duress that manifests itself in various different ways.) Okay ... way too much rambly ... sorry. I'll shut up now.

Hey, look at this. I'm at day 60-something, and doing okay. (Man, that "day 30 to 40" period was hard!) Thanks for your support, all. It's still tough, but I'm okay. Which, compared with so much of these last few years, is pretty damn great.

I had my roughest period at about where you're at. Starting from week 5, to about week 7. Still, there are days I feel like brittle paper. It's tough. You're at the wall right now, but if you keep running, you will be okay. Weight stuff is another huge topic that's hard to jump at right now. I know how you feel! I choose not to weigh myself, but I've had to buy a new wardrobe with my changing shape. I'm not sure if it helps at all, but for me, I knew that some damage to my fitness level and confidence would be part of the cost of getting free. When I feel bad about it, I remind myself that this is just part of the cost---and that it's going to be far better for my health in the long term. I remember times on my amphetamines when my heart rate would just refuse to calm down, how much that made me anxious, and how it made so many things I enjoy (hiking, swimming, dancing) harder, or even impossible. So I remind myself that it's a cost I agreed to pay, and a temporary cost. That getting free will help me be far healthier overall. Good luck! Remember to watch your triggers and keep your meds out of easy access (if you haven't done that already). You're in a rough spot, but it sounds like you're doing a damn fine job---and you're not in this alone.

I seriously appreciate the replies. Right now, some days are better than others, but I seem to be past the heavy depression. (For now.) Oddly, that happened right when I stopped taking Advil. I stopped taking it with the thought that maybe it would make the body aches go away to just force my body to deal with them on its own. My body aches subsided and my depression ebbed out. Weird, right? Maybe just a coincidence. Or maybe there's something more going on there. Tonight's rough, but I seem to be okay. My eating habits are starting to become sane again. (I hate talking about health in terms of "weight gain," so instead I'll just say that at the beginning of July, I had plenty of clothes that fit well. Now, not so much.) I want to become more physically active, but that's hard to talk myself into at times. And my sleep schedule is way out of whack. I hit Day 35 in just 18 minutes here. I'm to the point where I just feel happy that I made the choice. But now I have to re-integrate my schoolwork and freelancing and all that. It's ... beh, it's intimidating. Anyway. Mostly just wanting to say thanks again, and also that I love how many people have their "since quitting" counter in their signature. It's really encouraging just seeing how many people have made it through.

Meditation. Not a magic bullet, but it works.

So, I keep joking with my girlfriend that I should make a t-shirt to remind her of where I'm at emotionally. Mostly, I come off as doing pretty well, but under the surface I'm all mega-depressed and ready-to-snap and so forth (day 30 today: holla!). That's not too pleasant for those closest to me, and I know that de-personalizing my feelings isn't always easy to do. So maybe I'll take a sharpie to a plain white, but I was thinking, it wouldn't be too hard to get a print run of something a little snazzier. I even know some places that do a decent job. But, obviously, it gets cheaper with more people buying. If I were to design and get a print run with a "Warning: This person is in withdrawal" sorta message, would you want to get a shirt? (It'd be about $15, shipping included.) What would you want the warning to say?

Thanks, everyone, for your responses and support. I hate having to be patient like this. :/ But it gets better at some point, right? I have some other specific questions, but it seems to make the most sense to ask those elsewhere. Thanks again for taking the time to welcome me here.

I'll try and be brief about my story here. I keep hoping I'll find the energy to do full coverage over on my blog, but energy is kind of lacking lately. I'm Rob. I've been on dex for three years now. Dex being contained within but not identical to adderall; I understand that, mg for mg, dex has a higher norepinephrine peak, which makes it more addictive. Honestly, though, I really don't know all of the details. I've tried quitting twice before. Both were disasters. The first time was a cold turkey attempt that failed at about thirty days. The second was weaning off for three miserable months before stepping off entirely and losing steam again after about thirty days. I'm on day 27 now and facing a similar debilitating depression to what I hit previously. In my head, I'm comparing it to "the wall" a marathon runner hits. That you just get to this point where you think you can't keep going, and you have to push through it. Only, I've never been to the other side of the wall, so I don't know. Honestly, I'm pretty freaked right now. About losing this time I've invested in quitting, in the ways this is hurting relationships and projects in my life, in a lot of things. And then I keep getting these tremors, this depression, this heavy lethargy. I'm taking a beautiful cocktail of supplements (most of them recommended here), not to mention 8 ibuprofen a day, but I still feel achey and miserable. I guess I'm looking for advice and reassurance. I'll keep lurking the forums, but your thoughts and support would actually mean a great deal to me.

Been lurking for a bit. I'm actually on Day 27 right now. I'll share some more details in a separate thread here.