I've been on Adderall since I was 21, and I'm 33 now. It undoubtedly changed my life for the better and fixed pretty much every work-related problem I had, as well as helping with my chronic fatigue (I have fibromyalgia) and depression. I've always been genius-level smart, but it wasn't until my last two years of college that the fact that I could only spend 20 minutes writing a paper before getting bored and distracted caught up to me. The medication also helped my confidence — I was SO insecure — and anxiety. On Adderall I was finally able to stop using obsessive meal planning and caffeine-guzzling to keep me regimented. I was prescribed 60 mg of Adderall back then, and now have tapered down to around 20-30mg/day. I would feel insane taking 60 mg again.
Now I'm the CEO of my own business (an online magazine, events and merchandise for a niche female community), very well-respected in my field, and have a community and workplace that relies on me — this is one of many reasons I've been hesitant to drop the drug, I'm afraid of what a change in work habits could do to my company. But I feel like an imposter. People are always wondering why I am shy to take credit for the company I've built — it's 'cause I feel like I cheated, and was only able to work those 14-hour days to begin with because of drugs. I don't even know if ADD actually exists.
But it's really screwing with my health! My resting heart rate is usually around 100 BPM, my blood pressure is high, my teeth seem to be dissolving and drifting away from each other and I'm always grinding my teeth. I'm aging much quicker than I'd hoped. I'm dehydrated and constantly guzzling water. I can't even go on long hikes or play team sports, my heart races, I'm thirsty and light-headed. I feel physically disabled as a result of this mental drug. My company is run remotely with a bunch of people working from home, but whenever we are in the same place, I notice that I feel wired and unable to communicate as effectively as my co-workers, like I genuinely feel like I am on speed whenever social and work collide.
I've been very unhealthy in the past. I've always exercised, though lately I've been scared to push myself because of my heart rate, but exercise has been my saving grace to not totally lose control of my body. But there were periods of time where I was taking 80 mg of adderall, taking ambien every night, doing other drugs, drinking and smoking pot every night, eating like shit, sleeping 5-6 hours a night. Now I eat very healthy, quit ambien cold turkey three years ago, I smoke pot medicinally for my chronic pain and insomnia at night, I sleep 8-9 hours, rarely drink, and still exercise regularly. (I still take 40 mg of elavil every night for fibro, as I've been doing for 14 years.) But those negative health effects haven't changed despite other positive lifestyle changes.
I want to get married soon and have a baby, and I know I have to be off adderall before I can get pregnant. Last night my partner told me that she's not ready to start making wedding plans or anything until I get off Adderall, because it is negatively impacting my health and isn't what she wants around her children. I think her impression of the drug isn't entirely fair (based on her own family's experience with it), but maybe this is the push I need to finally drop it.
I am terrified, but I'm also excited to be healthy again. I don't know where to start — I'm not very well insured, so I don't have a therapist or access to counseling or other things I could take to ease the withdrawal, but I know I'm going to need a lot of support to quit without it messing up my work life or destroying my relationship.
How did you do it? Where did you start? Did you manage to do it without taking another medication to help? (I used to take Wellbutrin, and am open to that, but not permanently or during pregnancy) Any experience with dealing with depression or chronic fatigue as well? Any natural or homeopathic solutions?
Thank you for any advice or hope you could give me!