The Life Cycle of Quitting Adderall

[guy21]

I just wanted to start off by saying this is an amazing site. By far the best informational/community driven website out there about quitting Adderall, HANDS DOWN.  @Mike and team, you have done a great job with this site over the years as you continually add new functionality to help Adderall users communicate and collaborate on the struggles they experience as they go through their journey but not being alone. AMAZING!

 

Now that's out of the way, I wanted to share my story. I was always a C student as a kid. K-12 mediocre at best. I was held back in grade school and always struggled to keep my grades up. I had numerous tutors in middle school, jr. High School, and even in High School. I was never a bad kid or hung around the “wrong crowd†that influenced me not to do my school work, I just was never more than a C student. My parents never put me on ANY medication growing up nor did they take me to any doctor or psychiatrist. My GPA was a 2.3 when graduating high school and I scored fairly low on the ACT. Knowing I wouldn’t get accepted to any major schools, I applied to a State school close to my home town. I was accepted and began the college experience. My 1st and 2nd years of college was more of just going through the motions. I was getting better grades in some of my classes (B’s and sometimes A’s) but pretty much on track to graduate 5, 6, maybe 7 years down the road at the pace I was going with how many classes I was dropping each quarter.

 

The 3^rd year of college is when it ALL changed (I remember like it was yesterday HA). I was sitting in the quad with a group of friends as I was complaining about how much I DID NOT want to go to class and dreaded doing homework that night. My friend looked at me and said, “You should try this medicine I use to help me study.†Surprisingly, I never even heard about a drug that supposedly helps you study (apparently I did not pay attention to the news much) nor was I ever offered any prescription drugs in the past. So I said, “OK… do I just take it?†He gave me a 10mg IR of Adderall and I took it right then there. As I waited for my class to start, everything changed. For the first time in my life I was MOTIVATED. Motivated for class, motivated to learn, motivated to excel, motivated to wake up and go to my job and love every minute of it, motivated to go above and beyond! The grass was greener, the sky was bluer! Everything became a cake walk when on Adderall. There was nothing I couldn’t achieve or overcome. There was no such thing anymore as “workâ€. Whether it be school work or job work, it was just an opportunity to show how awesome I was at it and become a perfectionist at whatever the task might be. Over that entire quarter, I would get a few pills here and there from my friend as it GREATLY improved my school performance and job performance. When I would go to class/job or take a test without it, I would be the old me doing poorly in class/job or on tests. I had to get a prescription to stay on the regular SUPER HERO mode. I went to a doctor that made me take an actual mental evaluation that included numerous tests and evaluations. With knowing how to answers the questions “correctlyâ€, I scored high in the ADD category and was diagnosed with ADHD. I was then prescribed Adderall 20mg once a day. Later bumped to 40mg a day, then bumped to 60mg a day through my college years. The rest of my 3^rd and 4^th year of college I was in Super Saiyan God Mode. I was taking the maximum credit hours allowed while getting straight A’s. I would not read a single page in my book until the night before the exams. I would read for 12 hours straight taking however much Adderall I needed to keep me focused to of course get an A on every exam. My last quarter of school, I was taking 5 core major classes. To keep up with the exam load and “I’m too awesome to study like a normal person†procrastination attitude, I was taking up to 180mg within 24 hours during exam week. I was completely pushing it and killing myself as I did this. My body was hating me and I knew I could not do this forever.

 

I graduated with a Computer Science degree and I went back to taking the prescribed amount and decided that once I got my first job, I will quit Adderall. I was tired of being so dependent on something that completely ran my life. I got my first job and of course quitting Adderall wasn’t an option if you run into any difficult tasks. When coding all day, it’s hard to just stop taking something that has gotten you this far and I’m now trying to go back to the old me who could barely keep focus for 10 minutes? It felt and still feels impossible. I actually quit cold turkey for an entire year (during that time I found this site). During that year, I was the old me. I love the old me. I enjoyed eating and sleeping on a normal schedule. I enjoyed hanging out with friends and family and not be a freaking robot. I got my sense of humor back and really felt awesome that I felt this good and I wasn’t taking any prescription drugs. On the flip side, my work of course suffered. I pretty much plateaued and just cruised under the radar at work for the entire year I was off of it. Once things started to pick up again at work, I got stressed out and filled my script up to go back to super hero mode again. Since then, I have tried quitting several times but always seem to get back on it when things get tough. I titled this post “The Life Cycle Of Adderall†because I feel like I have gone through the whole quitting stage both long and short term. No matter if I’m ON or OFF of it, I feel like I know what the next stage is going to be since I’ve tried quitting so many times. When I’m truly off, I’m just waiting until I start back up again. The thing that simply drives me back to Adderall is work.(this may sound funny, but I know some people are more extreme where they need it to get out of bed, sweep the floor, brush their teeth, etc.) I’m currently looking for a new job in the same field I’m in. I want to start Adderall free at the new job. I have done all my interviews Adderall free and so far have done great. If I get one of these jobs it could either be a disaster or maybe a way for me to get out of old habits and reteach myself how to learn. Has anyone started a new job and successfully stayed clean? If so, any tips/advice would be appreciated.

 

Note: Re-reading this entire post, I started from the high school days just to provide some insight on how powerful this drug is. It completely changed me academically but comes with such powerful side effects.

 

 

Guy21

 

[JustinW]

Several members have started new jobs as part of their self-improvement.  What works for one does not necessarily mean that it will work for you.  We each have to find our motivation to quit and stay quit.  Perhaps you should make a list of all of your reasons to quit and keep it in your wallet.  Welcome to the forums!

[Cassie]

Work was my one and only trigger too. It took a long time to get over, definitely more than a year. It just takes a lot of time to stop associating work with Adderall, but that connection does die eventually. After I quit, I stayed at my job for 18 months before I felt ready to move on. I was excited to quit because it felt like a big step in my recovery and I didn't want to still be at a job I associated with Adderall. I started a new job Adderall free, and then another one, and now I I'm completely over it.

 

So, just start a new job sober. If you suck at it, then you suck at it and you find something else. I sucked at my first post Adderall job so I quickly found another one. It's humbling to admit something isn't for you rather than force it with performance enhancing drugs. What also helps is to stop thinking that work is super important. It's just a job. It's not your life. On Adderall working was my life and I was so arrogant and self-important. But, unless you're a doctor or fireman or something, your job probably only exists to make someone else money. Big whoop. Most jobs (except the ones vital to society's function) are BS. If you adopt this mindset, you can be free to go to work without feeling forced to like it. You don't need to have som deep passion for your day job. It would be nice, but it's not reality for most and frankly, it's elitist to think that way. Best thing to do is get used to working boring jobs without Adderall and do fun things in your spare time and on the weekends. Plan some fun trips and other outings. Play sports or work on some home projects in your spare time. The Adderall connection will weaken over time. 

[guy21]

Man...so after 2 years of writing this post, I FINALLY quit for good. It's been almost 3 months, and I have not touched or thought about a pill. I think I finally reached a breaking point where I was just fed up with the side effects (not eating, mood swings, drinking heavily, not sleeping, etc.) and knew it was time to really quit. My body just can't bounce back like it could in the previous years (I'm in my late 20's now and started in my early 20's). I don't know, maybe that's a reason why it was easier this last time to quit? Over the past 2 years I tried quitting probably 5 times but always relapsed. 

 

Over the last 2 years, I really wanted to quit, but I couldn't stand the thought of being non productive at work. This was seriously my absolute BIGGEST hurtle. But like other people on here say, there is hope. I just powered through the first few weeks. Just showed up to work and did the bare minimum. After 3 months, i'm working at a steady rate and being as productive as I was on Adderall. I can tell over the months, my brain is rewiring itself. I'm absolutely thrilled I can work and be productive not on that stupid drug anymore.

 

I think the reason I relapsed were...

 

1) I would throw my bottle out at times trying to quit BUT had scripts at my house that I could fill whenever I wanted to

2) Had doctor appoints set up, and then when they called me to remind me I had one, I would actually go to them and get my refill scripts rather than cancel them

3) Attempt to quit but didn't mentally prepare myself. You have to know that it's going to be a long road ahead of you. If you decide, "well...let's just give this quitting thing a shot" it's going to be much harder than you anticipated.

[Frank B]

I have done some computer work nothing spectacular but on adderal I felt fixing and rebuilding old obsolete control boards for pinball games/arcade games from the 80's facinating or building a web site from scratch etc fun. I even went to the library and wanted to self teach myself how to build binary codes but even on adderal that bored me lol. Off adderal I have no urge to do but minimal work when it comes to computer technology. Computer techonolgy in general just seems to screams to me 'take adderall' due to hours of tedious mind numbing work. Have you possibly thought about taking up a new trade something you can do without needing that sharp long focused edge adderal provides? Just FYI those A's you got in college was not all adderall give yourself more credit. Adderall makes you more focused but does not by itself make you smarter. I know if your degree is computer science it would be hard to give up on it but maybe you could switch to sales in your trade or find one aspect of the trade you can do off adderal. Good luck!

[guy21]

Dammit. Close to 4 months of being adderall free...I slipped. I was doing very well the first 3 months and completely felt like I was over it for the first time in my life. I can't remember the last time I went that long without it. Over the past 3 weeks, a lot of issues/stress/drama occurred in my life and this completely made me lose focus at work big time. I would sleep 10+ hours a night. I became extremely lethargic and exhausted. I'm talking like...walking into work and doing absolutely nothing besides stare at my computer monitor. This went on for almost 3 straight weeks. It was like I was just quitting adderall for the first time 3 weeks ago. I was experiencing all the same side effects. I could not get out of that funk. All while this was happening, more and more work piled up and the issues/stress/drama outside of work kept coming. I felt like a deer in the headlights and just froze. I couldn't do the simplest tasks because I was so stressed. All the hard work of quitting and progress I was making went straight out the window.

 

I knew I couldn't keep up my non-productiveness for much longer before my company would start asking questions and possibly put me on some probation or even possibly lay me off at the rate I was going. I knew I was still in a funk and not even close getting out of it. So I made a decision. A trade off to get a script, take the meds, and get back on track as a short term fix. I'm honestly not mad that I did this because I quickly got back on track and immediately saved my job. I'm just more disappointed that it has to come to this in order to get by at my job. I feel like that is the key issue that makes me get back on it.

 

@Frank B - you are absolutely right. At this point in my life, I know what I'm doing is not my true passion whatsoever. Not even close. I was able to "fake it" for all these years and get by because I used performance enhancing drugs. When I'm off them, I feel like an alien on another planet at work. Before I filled my script the other day, I decided that I will start looking for a new trade. My goal is to be in a new trade by early 2017. It's my only hope staying off this shit as well as do something I actually enjoy even if I have to take a pay cut.

 

@JustinW and @Cassie - I never thanked you for your comments and tips. Much appreciated.