Waves of paws

[Nkl]

Does anyone else experience that paws comes in waves? I’m coming up on 4 months off of addy, I almost felt like I was getting out of the woods  and then a serious wave of multiple days in a row of fatigue, extreme depression and suicidal thoughts hit me.

these days seem to come in waves of a few days in a row with stretches of almost normal feeling days in between.. this is such a non linear process which sometimes really makes me question whether I’m even making progress at all.. thoughts?

[sirod9]

Yes, in the beginning. I'm at 16 months off of adderall. The first year was very up and down with PAWS. After the initial "yay, I'm off of adderall" glow faded at months 1-3. Then intense PAWS kicked in. I remember month 4 being particularly difficult. Then things seemed to even out. At month 5, I experience my dopamine coming back online - that felt GOOD. but it was temporary. Then I began have 1 to 2 week long bouts of PAWS at 6-7 months, and 11-12 months. The month leading up to my 1 year was particularly difficult. Those timeframes were specifically difficult for me, but everyone is different. One thing I noticed was after each bout of PAWS, I experienced increased healing and my faculties were better. Quitting adderall takes patience, faith, radical acceptance and self love. The healing of our brain chemistry and nervous systems is a slow process, but well worth it. 

Even at 16 months, I experience some PAWS, but I'm not sure if it is PAWS or just normal ups and downs. But there is a distinct difference between normal tiredness and PAWS. For instance, a few weeks ago, I watched a documentary about adderall on netflix. I began having really strong cravings, the strongest I've had since quitting. I was surprised by this and stopped watching the show. the next day, I experienced PAWS symptoms and that lasted for about 48 hours. I got through the cravings and PAWS, and felt great afterwards. I feel like the brain and nervous system remembers.

Anyways, 16 months is pretty good. I try to remain humble so that I am prepared for more PAWS. Keep on going! Life is SOOO much better without adderall and I often find myself feeling so grateful that I quit. All the typical advice applies - Drink water, get plenty of sleep, supplements are great, eat as healthy as possible, meditation is a great tool. 

Good luck on your journey!

[Nkl]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I must admit reading those stories of such long withdrawal timelines scares me quite a bit.. I'm not sure how i could handle life being so difficult for such an extended period of time..

Could you please share a bit more of your story? such as the length of time of your addiction and how bad it was in terms of dosages etc?

I have a ton of adderall left at my house as i was using a lower average dose than what i was prescribed for some time before finally quitting but i must admit i have zero cravings, adderall gives me very bad neck pain and tightness which I'm still battling with daily even though I've been off of it for a while and i simply know it will get worse if i take any and so this is more than enough to keep me away from it. now that I've also been through and still am going through the most difficult time of my life since quitting I'm simply scared like hell from this little pill.. i am so incredibly impressed by all of you who have gone through this thing, i never imagined coming off would be anywhere near as difficult as it is.

[sirod9]

You're welcome. Yes, the stories "seem" scary. I used to read them when I was just thinking of quitting and I had the same thoughts. In hindsight, it was my addiction that made everything seem scary. honestly, continuing adderall is much more scary. Adderall provides a false sense of control, and feeling the discomfort of withdrawal "seems" so incredibly out of control. Again, everything "seems" that way, meaning it is just our perception of it. 

As for my use story - Towards the end, I was using 90 to 200 milligrams a day for 6 years. so if I can do it, you certainly can! My addiction was pretty bad, so I had to flush my remaining pills and inform my prescribing doctor about my misuse of the drug. I literally had to tell them "do not prescribe to me as I am a liability." I tried every other way to quit, weaning myself off, quitting while keeping a "just in case" bottle, simple drug breaks, etc. I always went back to the drug, and ended up in the same place.

Out of everything, work is the biggest brain drain. And my motivation returns in spurts, and while my job is important and I stay on top of things, sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day is a UGH. Luckily, I have a good job, with good people, and I am good enough at what I do to keep my job. When I quit, I did inform my manager that I was struggling with prescription addiction and was quitting under the supervision of a therapist (who was available should documentation be needed). I let her know I needed to take a week off, and that the first year I may not perform above and beyond. They were very understanding and did not burden me with too much stuff. That also served as another point of accountability. Now my employer knew, so I had to quit for good!

The fact that you were taking such a low dose, you may experience a shortened recovery timeline. And the fact that you experience so much physical discomfort while using, is a blessing. How long did you use for?

[Nkl]

9 hours ago, sirod9 said:

You're welcome. Yes, the stories "seem" scary. I used to read them when I was just thinking of quitting and I had the same thoughts. In hindsight, it was my addiction that made everything seem scary. honestly, continuing adderall is much more scary. Adderall provides a false sense of control, and feeling the discomfort of withdrawal "seems" so incredibly out of control. Again, everything "seems" that way, meaning it is just our perception of it. 

As for my use story - Towards the end, I was using 90 to 200 milligrams a day for 6 years. so if I can do it, you certainly can! My addiction was pretty bad, so I had to flush my remaining pills and inform my prescribing doctor about my misuse of the drug. I literally had to tell them "do not prescribe to me as I am a liability." I tried every other way to quit, weaning myself off, quitting while keeping a "just in case" bottle, simple drug breaks, etc. I always went back to the drug, and ended up in the same place.

Out of everything, work is the biggest brain drain. And my motivation returns in spurts, and while my job is important and I stay on top of things, sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day is a UGH. Luckily, I have a good job, with good people, and I am good enough at what I do to keep my job. When I quit, I did inform my manager that I was struggling with prescription addiction and was quitting under the supervision of a therapist (who was available should documentation be needed). I let her know I needed to take a week off, and that the first year I may not perform above and beyond. They were very understanding and did not burden me with too much stuff. That also served as another point of accountability. Now my employer knew, so I had to quit for good!

The fact that you were taking such a low dose, you may experience a shortened recovery timeline. And the fact that you experience so much physical discomfort while using, is a blessing. How long did you use for?

Yes I was using a relatively low dose but I would pretty much always combine it with a bunch of other (non prescription) stims in order to magnify the effect.. 20mg plus 500mg of caffeine, yohimbine, l tyrosine etc can go a very long way.

I would also take it with sodium bicarbonate which increases the absorption and thus the effect due to its alkalinity. I would take all that as I woke up in the morning (or rather night) and go workout right away which would increase the effect even further.

I knew that asking for a higher dose would raise some red flags so I basically did everything in my power to get the most insane stimulus from what I had.

All in all I was on it for 3.5 years while actually being addicted for about 2.5 of those years with no breaks or anything like that.

I’m actually really happy I didn’t look up much on these stories before quitting as I probably wouldn’t do it knowing what is about to come.. I honestly thought that after a couple of weeks of feeling a bit low I’ll be good hah.

But now at least I have faith that things will get better eventually, if I didn’t know about paws and the fact that recovery is simply a long ass process I would have thought i made permanent damage and would have gone beck to using for sure.. with all of its negative downsides. 

[sirod9]

lol, I also did a bunch of stuff to improve absorption - even avoided vitamin C like the plague. My prescribing doctor was always quick to increase my dose. Ultimately, I am soooo much happier off of it. Giving my body the nutrients and vitamins it needs, while balancing my natural energy stores. You will probably be "out of the woods" much quicker. I would say get off of it, and give it a year. 

[sirod9]

On 12/17/2022 at 7:35 PM, tjzen said:

This is great advice thankyou for sharing I am on month 5 and feeling glimpses of joy and Lil bursts of energy especially when I drink my first coffee and while working out. 

Month 4 was very tough the snow started and I was starting to lose patience with feeling sad for such a long time.

Short term memory is still  a major challenge remembering my address, phone number, even how to spell my name is a challenge some days. 

 

I was a polyaddict for 10 years and quit adderall, Canabis and alcohol July 14 2022 this is my first winter sober in a long time. 

I appreciate all the advice from this forum during this difficult process. 

Impressive quit, tjzen! I would suggest supplementing with vitamin D. My doctor tested my levels, and they were low. Considering you live in a cold winter climate, you may be low too. I began taking Jarrow Formulas Vitamin D3, and it has been helping so much! Your memory will slowly improve. I also took Cordyceps, Lions mane, Magnesium Glycate, among other things - these all helped a lot! if you can get your hands on psychedelic mushrooms, I highly recommend microdosing. if you don't know anything about it, there is a lot of information online. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

I was off since 9/17 and then had a day slip on 12/13 and it is CRAZY how mental this is.  I felt like I HAD it this time.  So I highly recommend getting rid of everything.   My journey is long and winding (I had 5 years off at one point) but each time I fall down I am getting right back up bc I know my relationship with this drug is over.  I may have answered the phone once after a few months but now I'm just stronger in my resolve and more clear about the factors that led up to me doing so.  We got this!

[DC011381]

Hi Nkl and everyone,

I felt exactly exactly exactly how you are feeling right now during the first months of recovery.  It's so fucking scary.  My stories are in here I haven't been on the forum in maybe a year or more but feel compelled to check in here.  First of all, this site/this forum played an extremely positive role in my recovery. I say on this thing everyday reading every word while sitting in my PAWS at the lowest of the low.  I just past my 4 year mark since my Adderall induced  breakdown that landed me in the mental hospital and forced the end of my use on the spot.  4 years and I don't even remember or celebrate the exact date of my psychotic episode aka anniversary.  This happened was 37 at the time with a wife a 4 and 2 year old.  And thank God thank God thank God I am now 41 and am living a NORMAL/ healthy(healthy/enough!!!!!) With the same family.  

I sat in the penalty box for an entire year, Nkl. I know that is super scary to hear I swear I felt the same way even when I studied quitting before I was forced to quit. It prevented me from considering opening up about my addiction. One year I did almost nothing but at least shared domestic/family with my working wife. This is what I did without working I sat there for one year I couldnt do a fucking thing.  

And that was the worst it ever was it never gets worse then what you are sitting in now. BUT IT DOES GET BETTER!!!! It does...  And having gone through it actually makes dealing with other shit less intimidating because I promise it does not get worse. But it does get better.

I am working. I am not killing it and I am not the big biz man or whatever that I wanted to be and what drove my usage personally. But I could hold an adult job and have now for 3 years - after unemployed and sitting there doing absolutely nothing for one year.

My family life is repaired. 1 year of absolute fuckery for an hopefully like 40 years.

Everything is not perfect nor should it be. I deal with a lot of shit like lack of motivation ect that drove me to use and eventually abuse. I woke up out of speed addiction without knowing what my things are (identity) - like should I play tennis once a week is that my thing . I have a lot of challenges with emotional control with my kids.  But like all under the umbrella of normal.  I also have my natural extroverted personality back. I once again proactively reach out to friends and make plans ect.  I lost all that in PAWS - lost my entire personality. It's back. It's not perfect but I am really really really fucking grateful.