30 Days and so many random thoughts

[Jon B]

PSA: My thoughts will be sporadic here, but bare with me  After a very long year of inadvertently tapering off of adderall, I have finally hit 30 days with 0 adderall. I tapered all the way down from 60mg. Once I hit 5-10 mg i had enough and stopped it completely. Its hard to believe I spent the majority of my 20s on this drug and that makes me pretty sad.  It has been a long and honestly pretty lonely road. The depression is real. Keeping myself somewhat busy seems to help to an extent when I can actually focus, which is almost never. I cant stay organized at my job and can't bring myself to do the things I know I need to do. Its painful. Its a great sales job. that pays really well, but for quite some time I have wanted to quit and maybe find something that might pay less for the short term if it would bring me piece of mind and provide some space for me to breath and figure things out..I've been thinking about the Army for quite some time, but with my adderall use and almost being 30, Idk if that is possible.  My self esteem is shot. I feel disgusting. I have glimpses of hope where I day dream about the future, but the negative voice inside my head takes over and says that it is too high a mountain to climb.

The devlish voices inside my head says:

• "You won't make new friends" "You'll never be able to reignite relationships adderall took you away from."
• "What will people think if you switch from a well paying sales job to something different? Plus good luck if you want to go back into the corporate world or start a business."
• "You were voted most likely to succeed in high-school, popular throughout college, super involved in life and with people, you were great at public speaking, athletic, You can't get it back, all that potential is no longer there."
• "That six pack that's slowly dwindling won't come back." 
• "Dude you decided to leave your nice apartment in the city, move back in with your parents in the middle of nowhere and figure things out? You are such an idiot. You know people around town are talking about you and no doubt your whole family is talking about you.

I could go on.....but I'm sure many of you understand. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and automatically my brain goes to negative thoughts like these. 

I think back to when I first took adderall often and can almost trace back so many stupid comments/actions that were almost definitely the cause of adderall which lead to my demise, but sometimes the hard part is knowing what was real? what was actually my fault? Is everything that has gone wrong in my life due to adderall? 

Sometimes I also think that while taking adderall was the worst thing I could have ever done. That maybe the mistakes I made will one day have a purpose. They say there are no such things as mistakes, but learning experiences. Safe to say especially the past 15 months have been reflective and I know what not to do and the type of life I want to lead. Maybe organizing all those things will help me live a meaningful new life. Maybe the adderall hell was just part of my life's journey to end up where I'm supposed to be?

I've also come to the conclusion that I used adderall to mask depression and insecurities throughout the past few years. Not realizing it made things worse. Instead of helping it hindered me from making life changes and taking actions necessary to combat the depression. 

I've got to go at the moment, but that's what I've got so far. 

Super grateful for this forum and support!

 

 

 

 

 

[Jon B]

Seen some post about podcast that are out there. Here is a good podcast that I found pretty interesting. It is also on Spotify.

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the-adderall-effect-with-allie-lerner/id1460377009?i=1000531045377

 

[Krae19]

Thanks for sharing this!  It was a good listen.. I could definitely relate to her about finding your “window of opportunity” to quit. I always knew I needed to quit because of health reason but I never really feel like I had the desire to actually do it.  So I just started praying that God would make me actually want to quit.  Now I’ve made it to 100 days off and it’s difficult but im not going back to the devils medicine as I call it.

[Jon B]

34 minutes ago, Krae19 said:

Thanks for sharing this!  It was a good listen.. I could definitely relate to her about finding your “window of opportunity” to quit. I always knew I needed to quit because of health reason but I never really feel like I had the desire to actually do it.  So I just started praying that God would make me actually want to quit.  Now I’ve made it to 100 days off and it’s difficult but im not going back to the devils medicine as I call it.

You're welcome! I've listened to it multiple times. Sometimes just hearing someone talk about their struggles brings me some peace. haha The way her doctor kept prescribing more is crazy. 

[Krae19]

Yes it definitely helps to know other people are going through the same thing.  Don’t listen to the negative thoughts going through your head.  Just know that it does get better! I thought there was no way I could ever keep my job without adderall but I’m still there and although I’m not unrealistically productive like I was before, I still push myself and do the best I can. Working off adderall will never be like working on adderall and that’s ok. 

[Jon B]

40 minutes ago, Krae19 said:

Yes it definitely helps to know other people are going through the same thing.  Don’t listen to the negative thoughts going through your head.  Just know that it does get better! I thought there was no way I could ever keep my job without adderall but I’m still there and although I’m not unrealistically productive like I was before, I still push myself and do the best I can. Working off adderall will never be like working on adderall and that’s ok. 

Thanks Krae! - The negative voices got worse while taking the adderall and now that they come and go in waves which is better. I actually had a pretty good day today at work. I looked at Mike's post about Adderall created work habits where he talks about putting things off until the last minute to pop an addy and do it in one sitting which isn't feasible and harder to do than doing things in chunks. That helped put me in a different mindset and accomplish some things I knew i needed to do today. 

[Teresa]

@Jon BI totally get what you're saying. I've been beating myself up lately because I can't quit vaping! I hate it but can't stop. It's been a couple years I guess. I lay in bed at night and think I'm just going to die what is stupid reason to die. At least Adderall we cut off our supply and it's done. Not with vaping. It even makes my stomach hurt So what the hell is wrong with me? I have the most addictive personality I've ever seen. I feel like my health is in such decline and I want it back but I can't stop doing the things that are so bad for me. I don't really even have the desire to ever take Adderall again no matter what because I know it's a vicious cycle and at my age it could be deadly. And vaping is no better but it's like I have to have something bad to do. I tried doing self-hypnosis and I think it could work I just need to do it several times a day. They have you say I don't want to poison my body I want to live etc and when I'm saying it I believe it then after I'm done I go hunt it down I am so screwed up it feels like. So there you go now you don't feel so bad lol there's me! You do what you have to do to get on top of things and the benefits will come I just know it now if I could tell that to myself and believe it I'd really be doing something! Best wishes for nothing but success.

[DrewK15]

@Teresa just wanted to hop in and offer some encouragement. I wouldn’t concern yourself too much with quitting vaping right now. Cigarettes are an obvious health menace, but now that there is such a thing as vaping I think there is a case to be made for holding off until you are feeling more stable in your Adderall sobriety. Try not to beat yourself up. Nicotine is a a very difficult habit to break, I am 5 years into recovery from many addictions and it’s the only one I would say I still have a hard time with.

[Jon B]

Day 163

Haven't logged in in a while. 

- Quit my job than unquit my job. Told my boss what was going on and surprisingly everyone has been very understanding and supportive. - I'm thankful for that. I know I would have been more stressed out without a job.

- Work is my biggest stressor, Its like I can't get anything done ever. It kills me. I work in a sales job. My numbers havent been good this year (i've come to terms with that) - I'm not getting fired. Its like I'm allergic to work. I don't know where to start. 

- Living at home with my parents for a year now. I originally moved back from the city just to get away for a bit. My plan was to go back after 6 months, but I decided to get off of the adderall and now its been over a year. Its hard being in this house day after day after day. I feel like I'm going crazy.  I work from home and the only people I pretty much ever see are my parents. I have spent some time going back and forth to other families houses from time to time and that seems to help. I know the isolation doesnt help me at all. 

- I've started seeing a therapist. Sometimes I think it helps, sometimes it doesn't. The hard part is my therapist can give suggestions all day long which I appreciate, but she doesn't actually understand what I'm going through. she tells me I can't put too much pressure on myself right now, which maybe is true.  I just feel so weak all the time. My confidence that was so profound is gone. I can't focus. Getting out of bed everyday is a struggle. 

- A doctor prescribed me lexapro, which I took for a few days. Honestly it made me happier, but I know that feeling all to well. Relying on a pill to manage my emotions, mood, and feelings. I didn't take it long. The thought of having to come off another medication which I've read is really hard to do after a while is just a hard pill to swallow

- There are many friends I've neglected over the past year or more. That I would like to reconnect with. I've ignored some, more throughout the early stages of coming off adderall. Truth is I don't know what to say to them. 

- Its like everyday is the same. Like I'm living in Limbo. Like I'm stuck. I can't make decisions. Simple task take me forever. I procrastinate on things I normally wouldn't. I feel so stupid all the time..

- I think I need to be back out on my own. I think that would help me. Its just really hard to plan out anything right now.

- My physical energy is better. Been working out twice a day lately and watching what I eat. That seems to be the only thing that remotely helps me feel better. 

While I know these are bunch of negative things, I guess it has just been one of those weeks, I'm thankful to be off the drug.