Contemplating crawling back

[BeHereNow]

Was just laying in the bathtub, trying to read and having a beer, when I realized that I am DYING TO RELAPSE.

Its not even a PAWS day, I'm just so sick of not getting my shit done.

I'm also super interested in what I'm working on. I really really REALLY want to master what I'm doing..... this book is hardcore interesting to me, but also extremely hard. So, my desire to relapse comes from a genuine goal. As it always has, which sucks.

Previously I channelled the energy of the drug into my work, which I DO love on a very deep level. Adderall helps people cope with the crappy menial tasks that suck--but also to get ahead--LIMITLESS shall we say?--but it also attracts highly driven people who CARE about life and whatever it is they're focused on. I intentionally directed it towards bettering my life, my mind, what I love and my chances at a better future.

I wish I didn't care, but I do.

I'm on day 47 and I should be psyched, but I'm STILL not getting anything done, and I'm sick of being crappy at my job and a slacker. I'm feeling a spark of an urge to MOTIVATE and do some shit and be strong and succeed on this very hard path. I'm just sick of this NOT HAPPENING.

Maybe I really AM better off on adderall?

I feel like I'm fucking up my life and my career by quitting.

Maybe, for the sake of my future, esp since I'm taking out loans and such, maybe I really should go back on it.

If I fuck up right now, I don't know what I would do-- I would be ruined.

It wouldn't be easy, but I could potentially go back on it.

Right now I just want to sleep for 8 hours, wake up, take 15 mg XR and 5-10 IR (my previous AM dosage) and fucking GO.

Hell, I wanna take some RIGHT NOW and get some shit done. I really feel like I"m fucking up my work and my life.

I am well aware that this is irrational. But I really do feel like a fraud and a failure at this moment. I've been so positive, but I'm starting to think maybe I can't accomplish what I need to on my own, no matter how much I want to.

So, maybe I should revisit my previous life plan, which was to continue taking it for one more year before quitting.

If anyone has thoughts or advice I would really love it right now.

<3

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

First off, I want to commend you for posting this before you relapsed. That takes guts. We can be a tough love crowd, and sometimes I think that might drive people away. So I am proud of you for admitting you're wobbling and want you to know that no matter what, we are here.

Also, you seem to have a rationale that "makes sense" to you for relapsing. And you know what? You'll probably feel great for a day! Whoo hoo! You'll get a ton of stuff done. And you'll get passionate again and remember that euphoria that you thought was supposed to be normal. You'll feel brilliant, inspired, capable, confident.

And then, after 3 hours or so, you'll start to feel those old familiar foul feelings... grinding jaw, irritability, whatever flavor of shitty it is for you... and you'll be regretting your decision as well as now having to deal with the withdrawals that you will feel for probably 2 or 3 days at least (and that's if you stop after just one day). So you'll feel depression on top of disappointment in yourself on top of lack of confidence in your abilities and undoing the good work you've already done.

You gave up for a reason. Think about how you felt when your life was torn apart by the shitty drug, and how you didn't want one more day feeling like that again.

Then think about relapsing. You know you're smarter than that. Or I do at least.

STAY STRONG.

[quit-once]

CHANGE THE CHANNEL. Divert your adderall-justifying thoughts to ANYTHING else. Don't have another beer. Go to your profile page and click the "find content" button and read all of your 128 posts. Do whatever it takes to kill that line of thinking before you make that decision to relapse.

[FALCON]

occasional01Hey there if your asking for our permission to go back on addarall I don’t think you will get it from our members. Some people do need to take addarll for legitimate reasons ADD you jest mite be one of thous people you know your self better then we no you so do what you need to do its your health and your in control.I jest want to no what the fuck combination is your morning does.Right now I just want to sleep for 8 hours, wake up, take 15 mg XR and 5-10 IR (my previous AM doesMy opinion is you are giving up you will be wasting away 47 days of being clean maybe you will feel deference after you sleep your 8 hours and chang your mindGood luck FALCON

[lea]

Occaisional -- It's wierd I was thinking the same thing today, only from a much more shallow perspective... weight I had the thought today very briefly and let it pass, which it did... and I go on reading my 'Getting More Done" workbook @ a snails pace because when I do have free time I feel braindead. It's really depressing ...

For me it's been 36 days clean, up 10 pounds and still not exercising. I feel like shit right now after yet another binge, and there were also moments today I felt "normal" because I am finally able to communicate with people and enjoy it. before I was hiding behind a mask, going thru the motions while strongly resenting anyone and everyone who dared to invade my high.

This is the first time I have actually let thoughts of using enter my head, that maybe, just maybe I can pop just a few pills a day to get my eating back under control. I am not the person right now who can genuinely tell you not to do it. I respect your point of view and where you're coming from. It just feels strange to have these thoughts ... How do I get rid of them ?????

For now I'm going to bed and plan to sleep a good 8 hours and pray to G-d I can find the strength to get thru this. Will go to OA tomorrow after work because coming straight home is not good for me. I hope and pray we both find the strength to move forward on the path to recovery. xoxo

[Searchingsoul9]

For Lea & my girl occasional, if you are forgetting any reasons why you stopped adderall in the first place...PLEASE feel free to ask me for reminders. I am chalk full of em! haha.

I fucked up, so you guys don't have to lol. But seriously, i swear i was thinking the exact same thoughts that you all were a few days ago, and it was not worth it.

It'll never be as good as it once was. We all had our fun on adderall, and as much as i hate to say it...the fun is over.

And let me just throw this one out there, i am TWENTY years old. I swear, my skin has gotten horrible since my relapse, and it was only a few days. Granted, i do smoke cigs also, but the adderall has aged me ...QUICK.

And lea, i totally get the weight thing. My main reason for always wanted to go back. And although i will forever love my adderall skinny look....the fit/sexy healthy look is much more appealing all in all.

I am no lover of exercise. Never have been. But just do a little bit of it here and there and i promise you will feel so much better, and that good feeling will motivate you to work out more.

I was on a fucking roll with exercise after i quit, then after my relapse...all the ab toneage i got...gone. I stopped all exercise.

Oh, and i chipped TWO teeth in the span of 3 days.

I had this crazy raised up rash on my back ribs. Real freaky.

Adderall is poison. It's all fun and games, until it's not.

<3

[LILTEX41]

Ok, guys. WOW. This breaks my heart reading this because I know you are so close if not already back on the pills today. I know because this is exactly the way I felt everytime I relapsed. Rationalizing the drug. Missing the euphoria. Recalling all the sweet easy times and FORGETTING all the painful agony of it ripping at your self confidence during this midst of irresistible cravings which feel insatiable as you are having them. I understand this and my heart goes out to you because I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and protect you from doing that very thing which you have set out not to do. But I also know this is your journey and if you need to take another stab at it, then that's what you are going to do. But I also know...if you muscle through this right now...if you just hold on for one more day...you can get through this..and in time your life is going to get better. It WILL get easier. You will FIGURE IT OUT.

Repeat this phrase, "I WILL FIGURE IT OUT. KEEP MOVING MOVING FORWARD."

I was sitting here just now journaling and I had an amazing revelation. After our chat last night..I was reflecting back on what my life was like on adderall. And suddenly I got this amazing surge / crazy idea if you will....that what I need to do is live everyday like I did while I was on adderall. What I mean by this..is I remember the joy I had in every single task at hand. I remembered how much I loved doing my tasks. And what I need to do now is that I need to execute everyday like this. I need to wake up in the morning and start picking things up and train myself to carry out one task at a time. I need to treat everything in front of me as a challenge/goal and not let things distract me. I need to make my to do lists and I need to stay on task because I know how great it used to feel everytime I'd get all my tasks completed in the day. I'd feel like I had super human strength. I remember how rewarding that feeling was and that is what made me love adderall so much. It made me feel so super competent and victorious. I can and I will achieve that feeling again tomorrow. It is my goal and I am excited about it.

My life was exciting back then because it was amusing to see just how much I could get done in one day. And it could be anything...from cleaning, to shopping, to making blankets, doing a home improvement project, whatever, I just knew how great I felt being super productive.

So that is my challenge to you. Try it for one day. You tell yourself you are CAPABLE, SUCCESSFUL, BRILLIANT, COMPETENT, A BAD ASS, AND YOU HAVE SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH. You don't need those stupid f-king pills! YOU GOT THIS. I have FAITH IN YOU.

Lea,

You can do this girl. Don't give up. I still struggle with the eating thing too at times, but one thing I know...adderall is not the answer. It will cause you more harm, depression, and unhappiness if you use the drug like I did. I remember at my weakest moments...when I got down to a size 0...and you know what kind of guys I attracted....a-hole using drug addicts! I was one and I fell for one...and he used the crap out of me. And I'll tell ya something....he said something to me one night...after I kicked him out of my apartment with all his crap....you know what he said??? He said, "you will not EVER find anyone. You need to take a good hard look in the mirror. Your jaw shakes like a meth head. You're not even pretty!" ....so yeah.....I quit adderall a few days later after that incident...started working out...got in shape for 3 months...then work stress....MAJOR WORK STRESS. I had the same kinds of thoughts both of you guys are having now....3 months of serious working out ...up to running 9 miles a day..quit smoking and drinking, etc..and ya know what? ADDERALL BENDER FROM HELL. Within 3 weeks I landed back in the emergency room for the 2nd time. So...hey, I'm just sayin'..be careful what you wish for. It's not worth it. But what do I know?

Ok, I gotta go to bed, but I'm keeping you both in my prayers tonight.

GODSPEED FRIENDS!

Prayers for you tonight my friend and big (((Hugs)))!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

CHANGE THE CHANNEL.

This is my new mantra. I love it!

[quit-once]

I learned it from my dog when she was a puppy. Whenever she was barking or engaging in destructive or annoying behavior, all I had to do was tell her to "go find the ball", and she went off searching the house for it!

[Greg]

Occasional1,

if you are starting to have these thoughts, stop mastering whatever material you are trying to master right now. You don't need to master any material!! Especially if it is going to spur this train of thought. Remember, during this phase its key to go easy on yourself and banish all of those 'work/achieve/drivenness' thoughts. Those thoughts are what adderall addicts are so susceptible too and can defeat us in our recovery.. That is why we always talk about how important it is to go easy on ourselves in early recovery.

Also day 47 is really really early in the recovery process. You are in the midst of the danger zone of relapsing, with cravings and all that, and you got to pull strength from everywhere to keep yourself from doing so. Posting here is a smart move, and i commend you for that.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/relapse-prevention.htm

Really great suggestions in here. Thanks for the earlier link, InRecovery.

[Cassie]

In a post awhile back, I mentioned reading a scholarly article about relapse prevention that talked about psychological aspects of addiction that persist long after abstinence. One of them was:

Magical thinking: the belief that a chemical substance will compensate for a personal weakness or lack of skill.

Remembering this line really helped me during the first year of recovery. It made me realize that every time I thought, 'maybe I do need adderall,' I was really just exhibiting a classic aspect of psychological addiction.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

In a post awhile back, I mentioned reading a scholarly article about relapse prevention that talked about psychological aspects of addiction that persist long after abstinence. One of them was:

Magical thinking: the belief that a chemical substance will compensate for a personal weakness or lack of skill.

Remembering this line really helped me during the first year of recovery. It made me realize that every time I thought, 'maybe I do need adderall,' I was really just exhibiting a classic aspect of psychological addiction.

I talked about this with my therapist just today. She reminded me that with or without adderall, I am still the same person. Adderall does not magically or fundamentally change who we are. Adderall is not NZT.

[lea]

For those who pm'd and posted on this thread I am very grateful. Your words give me strength to get through another day. It's interesting to me that I felt so strong in my desire to stop and then bang, the urge hits you one moment of one day and I see how insidious these thoughts are but also understand that this is what happens. I'm exhausted now from a great day where I got a lot done and paid attention without disturbing thoughts of ritalin. Right now I'm glued to CNN about this horrific cruise ship situation ...

[Searchingsoul9]

For those who pm'd and posted on this thread I am very grateful. Your words give me strength to get through another day. It's interesting to me that I felt so strong in my desire to stop and then bang, the urge hits you one moment of one day and I see how insidious these thoughts are but also understand that this is what happens. I'm exhausted now from a great day where I got a lot done and paid attention without disturbing thoughts of ritalin. Right now I'm glued to CNN about this horrific cruise ship situation ...

WHY CANT THEY FUCKING DROP DOWN FOOD FROM A HELICOPTER?! I don't get it.

[Greg]

WHY CANT THEY FUCKING DROP DOWN FOOD FROM A HELICOPTER?! I don't get it.

you would think the conditions would be better. I mean they are stuck on a VACATION cruise for crying out loud...

Sorry

[quit-once]

I talked about this with my therapist just today. She reminded me that with or without adderall, I am still the same person. Adderall does not magically or fundamentally change who we are. Adderall is not NZT.

True. It does not change who we are. But it does change how we think, how we make decisions and how we solve our problems. It changes how we interact with others. It also changes what we buy and what we eat and how much we sleep. And usually not in a good way.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

you would think the conditions would be better. I mean they are stuck on a VACATION cruise for crying out loud...

Sorry

Aren't carnival and costa sister companies (costa is the company yhat owned the ship that sank in europe last year).... Oooh dear, they're going to need some goooood PR people to get out of this one...

[BeHereNow]

Wow I am overwhelmed by all your support!! Thank you!! So much food for thought, so many ideas to help me work through it and stay strong.

It would need to be a well thought out process because it would involve some effort, so that's a good thing because I have plenty of time to stop myself. Falcon no permission being requested, I just really really needed some help with changing the channel (LOVE IT, quit-once) and remembering that it IS worth it. Cassie, I think that you're right on about magical thinking. It messes with your head big-time. Also MFA and SearchingSoul thank you for the reminders of the hell that relapse would actually entail.

Posting this helped a lot just to think through it and acknowledge this deep urge to relapse for what it was. Then yesterday I kinda felt like I was over it. Had a good day. I worked for 4 hours instead of my adderallic 14, went for a walk in the woods. But tonight I woke up from a dream about a full bottle of pills (it's always the visual image) and contemplated taking one, but asked myself in the dream if it was worth losing all that recovery. Woke up still wanting it, and with anxiety about whether I'm fucking up my life by quitting. I don't really know.

I guess if I'm fucking up my life by quitting, then that life is a card house that needs to go anyway.

Even if I do have hardcore ADD, I'd rather live with it and be me than go back down into that terrible rabbit hole. I know this.

I'm sick of my mind not being sharp or focused the way I need to be. But I guess that not even adderall could bring that back now. Either I have permanent brain damage or I don't, but in either case there is no turning back.

Thank you all for helping me remember that.

[Searchingsoul9]

Wow I am overwhelmed by all your support!! Thank you!! So much food for thought, so many ideas to help me work through it and stay strong.

It would need to be a well thought out process because it would involve some effort, so that's a good thing because I have plenty of time to stop myself. Falcon no permission being requested, I just really really needed some help with changing the channel (LOVE IT, quit-once) and remembering that it IS worth it. Cassie, I think that you're right on about magical thinking. It messes with your head big-time. Also MFA and SearchingSoul thank you for the reminders of the hell that relapse would actually entail.

Posting this helped a lot just to think through it and acknowledge this deep urge to relapse for what it was. Then yesterday I kinda felt like I was over it. Had a good day. I worked for 4 hours instead of my adderallic 14, went for a walk in the woods. But tonight I woke up from a dream about a full bottle of pills (it's always the visual image) and contemplated taking one, but asked myself in the dream if it was worth losing all that recovery. Woke up still wanting it, and with anxiety about whether I'm fucking up my life by quitting. I don't really know.

I guess if I'm fucking up my life by quitting, then that life is a card house that needs to go anyway.

Even if I do have hardcore ADD, I'd rather live with it and be me than go back down into that terrible rabbit hole. I know this.

I'm sick of my mind not being sharp or focused the way I need to be. But I guess that not even adderall could bring that back now. Either I have permanent brain damage or I don't, but in either case there is no turning back.

Thank you all for helping me remember that.

Can i just say that i love you and your personality!!! I don't want you to lose that ever.

You are a very amazing woman, and you will only continue to shine brighter the further you get in recovery<3

[LILTEX41]

Hey Occasional1, I was thinking about my response to you the other day and realized I think I was a little overzealous. I tend to be a bit hyper at times (imagine that, lol) and I can get a little too intense/obsessive in my thinking. Anyhow, what I wanted to say was that I am just really so proud of you for your honesty. I know there were plenty of times that I should've done what you did and instead I relapsed. So guess what?? You did it! You overcame your craving and that my friend is so freaking awesome. I think you should just take an easy right now and focus on trying to sleep, rest, and doing a little bit at a time. It's almost weird now that I've been off it for so long that I forget what it's like in the early days, but I know that it takes time and I hope I didn't overwhelm you by anything I was rattling off at the time.

Ok, well stay strong my brotha and live another joyful day clean and FREE! Whoop whoop

[kori]

Love this whole thing. thanks for being so real and being so honest. there's a reason for everything...through you choosing to take the no bullshit route, it created such a good response,that I have gained A LOT just by reading this thread. and I know I'm not the only one. you suffering is not in vain - I believe there is a purpose .perhaps to show you your own strength and what you are capable of. Us "addicts" are for real some of the strongest and most intelligent people. Most all of us have been through hell and back 100 times over. I know people who are wealthy and have their own definition of success and that's good for them ..I know a lot of people who could never endure even HALF of the traumas most of us have been through.