Ready to take control of my life again

[ChoosingMe]

After months of reading this site, I finally found the courage to post this. So please bare with me on my long post. Similar to many others, I started using when I was in undergrad (through friends) trying to balance my heavy pre-med workload and partying. When it was getting too expensive to keep buying from others (my senior year), I convinced my mom that it was a good idea to see a psychiatrist for my “ADHD”. I knew the right things to say and was given a prescription immediately. My grades went from B’s to A’s and the perfectionist in me loved it. As someone who also had an eating disorder at the time, I loved that it suppressed my appetite. When it started to lose its effectiveness, my doctor immediately upped my dose until I was at 20 mg 3x daily (60 mg/day). I would not only take it for school, but to party as well. “Work hard play hard” I would say. 

 

After graduating, I was accepted into a very prestigious masters program that started a few months later. Due to Covid, my classes were all online making it easy for me to sit at my desk all day, pop a little pill, and just grind for hours on end. I was doing amazing in my classes, but I also wasn’t sleeping, eating, or caring about my health. I lost a scary amount of weight (looked like a twig) and people noticed, but I said it was due to “grad school stress”. This is when I started to realize I really had a problem, but I couldn’t stop due to fear of failure. I graduated with my masters and a 4.0, but struggled to be proud of myself as the guilt crept in telling me I only succeeded due to the adderall.

 

Following this, I got a job working in healthcare. I told myself this is when I would finally quit adderall because I was no longer studying. That was almost 2 years ago, and here I am, taking more than my prescribed dose (80-100mg day) and feeling like a zombie going through the motions of work/sleep/repeat. My job is very demanding and busy, so I always find a way to justify that stupid pill despite feeling so terrible, weak, disconnected, and depressed every time I take it.

 

I feel so ashamed of myself, but even more I feel scared. It has been a dream of mine to be a healthcare provider, and in July I will be starting physician assistant (PA) school. However I know if I continue on this path, I will not physically or mentally be able to succeed through school or enjoy the journey that I’ve been looking forward to for so long. I’ve worked so hard to get accepted and will not delay my career any longer. So I have decided now is my time to fight for my happiness, my future, and my life. I’ve known I have a problem for years now (taking for 6 years, abusing the last 2/3), but today I am taking the first step towards recovery. I’m writing on here to ask for advice, encouragement, and assistance as I take on this difficult journey. I start school in 3 months and know this isn’t enough time to feel normal again, and I am so so scared to start such a demanding program without adderall, but I can’t delay this any longer. There will never be a “good time” to quit. And I am ready to fight through the exhaustion, depression, cravings, and whatever else may come my way as I work towards my dream career. So I’m hoping this website and all of the people (that make me feel like i’m not the only one going through this) will be a source of encouragement through the tough times.

[sirod9]

Hi Choosingme -

I read your story. I used anywhere from 90 to 200 mg a day over a 6 year period. I wasn't in school, but I had/have what I believe to be a mentally demanding profession, though I am on the computer all day. I have been off of adderall for 20 months. It has been difficult, but I cannot imagine not quitting. Like you, my health declined, mentally and physically, I was depressed and lost, I had wracked up A LOT of debt, and ignored my true wants and needs. It will take years to clean up that mess!! Even my teeth took a hit. Had a lot of decay and issues to fix. Now my teeth are much better!!

My advice - this is what "choosing you" looks like:

Begin taking care of your health, even while taking Adderall. Begin eating healthy, getting enough sleep, stop the Adderall binges, only take it in the A.M. and a booster in the afternoon. Look into supplements to support your system while you are still using stimulants. Drink plenty of water, quit alcohol. This will help you immensely when you actually quit.

consider putting school on hold. Adderall changes our personality to an extent, makes us think we want this and that, and makes us think we can do more than we naturally can, or even should. we often ignore our inner-self to chase "adderall dreams." Then we come out of it deeply in debit, physically and financially. take a break and get back in touch with yourself. The schools will still be there when you are ready.

Find support outside of just this website. Find a good therapist, look into addiction support groups. Find the family member or friend you can talk about this too. Let your closest friends and family know you are struggling with addiction. If they are true, they will be glad you confided in them and will support you during your quit.

As for your current job, Initially, I had to take a week off of work. and take it VERY EASY on my self for a long time. But we were still working from home at that time. Luckily, I have been with my company for almost 10 years, and they are understanding. I spoke with my manager and let her know that I was coming off of a prescription medication, that there is a long withdrawal period, and I had my therapist ready to send a letter (if needed). I let my work know that I may not be performing to the degree I was for a while. You will be surprised, people are understanding. I still have that job, and was promoted. but it was HARD at first, I'm finally feeling self motivated, when before I had to force myself with many breaks in between periods of exertion.

It was and still is hard, 20 months  clean and I still have days where I don't want to do anything. But it is getting so much better. IT IS WORTH IT. I can feel myself coming back "online" and I'm slowly cleaning my life up. There are still days where I wish I could take adderall to plow through stuff, but I remember how miserable I was, and depressed. How much damage it did to my body, brain and teeth. and the craving passes.

It will only get worse if you keep taking it  Unfortunately, choosing you means turning away from what you think you want while on adderall, and making decisions that benefit our physical, and mental well being in the long run. those are hard decisions to make, because at first, it seems like everything is falling apart. but in the long run, it is the best decision you can make. And, You may come out of this still wanting to become a physicians assistant. and you can pursue that.

There are many supplements, and lifestyle changes that can support you while you quit. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you have a faith, or a spiritual side, I suggest turning to that too, for additional support.

Feel free to IM me if you have questions or need support.

[Piano90]

Hey

i just joined the site too and have been taking it for around 6 years. My justification was also having a physically demanding job - running my own cleaning business and also studying. I believed and still do believe that I’m not intelligent and I believe this has led to the addiction. I think we all have that in common that we’re not looking to get high, we’re looking to get better. But sometimes it really isn’t worth it for the expense of your health. I’ve had to give up my cleaning business where I was cleaning 3 massive houses on my own every day, popping pills all day then taking opiates and benzos when I got home to relax and ease my muscles. So I was functioning on the outside but I was a mess both mentally and physically. 
As I’ve only just started on this journey I don’t have much advice I’m afraid but I’m looking forward to finally being able to sleep as these drugs have robbed me of proper sleep for years. 
 

xx