ChoosingMe

After months of reading this site, I finally found the courage to post this. So please bare with me on my long post. Similar to many others, I started using when I was in undergrad (through friends) trying to balance my heavy pre-med workload and partying. When it was getting too expensive to keep buying from others (my senior year), I convinced my mom that it was a good idea to see a psychiatrist for my “ADHD”. I knew the right things to say and was given a prescription immediately. My grades went from B’s to A’s and the perfectionist in me loved it. As someone who also had an eating disorder at the time, I loved that it suppressed my appetite. When it started to lose its effectiveness, my doctor immediately upped my dose until I was at 20 mg 3x daily (60 mg/day). I would not only take it for school, but to party as well. “Work hard play hard” I would say. After graduating, I was accepted into a very prestigious masters program that started a few months later. Due to Covid, my classes were all online making it easy for me to sit at my desk all day, pop a little pill, and just grind for hours on end. I was doing amazing in my classes, but I also wasn’t sleeping, eating, or caring about my health. I lost a scary amount of weight (looked like a twig) and people noticed, but I said it was due to “grad school stress”. This is when I started to realize I really had a problem, but I couldn’t stop due to fear of failure. I graduated with my masters and a 4.0, but struggled to be proud of myself as the guilt crept in telling me I only succeeded due to the adderall. Following this, I got a job working in healthcare. I told myself this is when I would finally quit adderall because I was no longer studying. That was almost 2 years ago, and here I am, taking more than my prescribed dose (80-100mg day) and feeling like a zombie going through the motions of work/sleep/repeat. My job is very demanding and busy, so I always find a way to justify that stupid pill despite feeling so terrible, weak, disconnected, and depressed every time I take it. I feel so ashamed of myself, but even more I feel scared. It has been a dream of mine to be a healthcare provider, and in July I will be starting physician assistant (PA) school. However I know if I continue on this path, I will not physically or mentally be able to succeed through school or enjoy the journey that I’ve been looking forward to for so long. I’ve worked so hard to get accepted and will not delay my career any longer. So I have decided now is my time to fight for my happiness, my future, and my life. I’ve known I have a problem for years now (taking for 6 years, abusing the last 2/3), but today I am taking the first step towards recovery. I’m writing on here to ask for advice, encouragement, and assistance as I take on this difficult journey. I start school in 3 months and know this isn’t enough time to feel normal again, and I am so so scared to start such a demanding program without adderall, but I can’t delay this any longer. There will never be a “good time” to quit. And I am ready to fight through the exhaustion, depression, cravings, and whatever else may come my way as I work towards my dream career. So I’m hoping this website and all of the people (that make me feel like i’m not the only one going through this) will be a source of encouragement through the tough times.