Single Mother Quitting Adderall Because My Children Need The Mother I Used To Be

[Chihuahua Lover]

Yeah...all of it. I've read posts from all of you for the last couple of weeks. In fact, I just realized I didn't even start this with a proper "Hello", because it feels like I already know you all so very much. I do of course. And you know me. Because we all are having the same experiences. 

I'm a 44 (almost 45) year-old single mother of the two greatest people I have ever known in all my life; my 21-year-old daughter, and my 7-year-old son. And we are insanely close. Some people call it "co-dependency". Others call it "helicopter parenting". I just call it being Sicilian. I have/am homeschooled/homeschooling while simultaneously working from home, since 2012. My children and I are attached at the hip. My 7-year-old son was diagnosed with non-verbal autism at 3-years-old. They wanted to put him into public programs, but I decided there is no one in the world more suited to fill the special needs of a special needs child than his mother. And that is what I did. Actually, that is what my daughter and I did.  Without her I would be nothing. And my son has THRIVED in our care. So much so, that everyone who knows us believes he must have been misdiagnosed. (Everyone except the doctor who diagnosed him). It's not just that he talks. It's that he never stops talking. It's not just that he is no longer socially stunted. It's that he is THE MOST social person on the planet. It's not just that he is funny. It's that he is a gifted comedian who has a keen sense of irony, timing, and delivery. This boy is a marvel, and he has taught me more than I could ever articulate. And don't get me started on my daughter. My beautiful, responsible, generous, selfless, loving daughter. Her soul and my soul have been sisters for an eternity. And together, for the last 21 years, we have carved out a private little knook of the world, filled with music, nature, humor, and joy. We've never had a lot of money, but we've always had more than enough love; and I feel like the richest person in the world. Even hard times have never seemed all that hard because at the end of the day, no matter what happened, no matter what challenges we had to face, we faced them together. And there is nothing in this world that could ever come between my children and I.

Except for Adderall. 

I've only been on Adderall for the last 10 months. It started with exhaustion. I am, in fact, narcoleptic. But, chose, for the last 15 years or so to not be medicated. I restructured my life so I could work at home and take naps, no matter how long, whenever I needed to. Electing to not treat my narcolepsy with stimulant medications wasn't always an easy decision, but it was a decision I was certain of, because I didn't want to risk a potential addiction.

I was afraid of what would happen.

I KNEW what would happen.

I knew THIS would happen. 

I tried to put safeguards in place. I immediately bought a book safe and gave it to my daughter, along with my bottle of pills. She only lives about 3 minutes away. So, every night, or every few nights, I would drive over and pick up one of two days worth of pills, depending on our schedules. And that worked well from the beginning of July to the beginning of October. That is when my company collapsed and I lost my decades-long career overnight. That is when the depression started. That is when the snorting started. That is when the lying started. That is when the manipulating started. That is when the gaslighting started. 

When I first started abusing, it was in the form of being on Adderall one day, then off the next day, etc. That way, I could save up my pills and do two days at a time without my daughter knowing. Then, it was asking her to stay over a couple days just for family time since I was unemployed, solely so that she would have to bring my pill bottle with her, and I could steal a whole extra handful out of her purse while she was in the bathroom. Then it was making her think she was crazy or losing her mind when the tally numbers didn't match. Then it was using the shortage to my advantage by picking up my prescription, crossing out the amount, writing half that number, and scribbling initials, just to appear as though the pharmacist could not fill my prescription for the right amount, and had to hand-modify the prescription. I don't remember a time in the past when I had ever really lied to my daughter. But, under the influence of Adderall, that all changed. It's not that I didn't know how terrible it all was. It's that I DID know how terrible it all was and I didn't care. 

And my son. My sweet, sweet boy. For months now he will get excited and tell me something fun, but I won't be listening. I'll say, "Yeah", or "Cool" or something generic until he goes away. In fact, generic is probably the nicest word I can find to explain the last few months. I'm so short with him. When I'm hopped up, I want to isolate and focus. Isolate and focus. Isolate and focus. All day long. But what 7-year-old allows any parent to isolate or focus...ever? And when that isolation and focus is interuppted, I get so irritated, so agitated, and so angry. And I have been filled with rage and resentment that he won't just go away and stop needing me as a mother. 

The homeschooling has lapsed considerably. The structured lessons I created for him at the start of this school year, now seem so tedious to me that I don't want to sit still and do them; opting to clean the house for the 10,000th time instead. Not to mention that my patience is non-existent. And certainly, let's not talk about the hours I have spent, in the bathroom, with the door locked, crushing and snorting and trying to steal more time away, alone, just to get high. 

I also didn't care that I was unemployed. I had been an independent contractor all that time, so I wasn't eligible for unemployment. I was already (kind  of) living paycheck to paycheck before I lost my job. And you would think I would have been motivated to get a new job immediately, but that's not what happened. In fact, Adderall has made me apathetic about our situation. It has paralyzed all ambition and drive I had. It has given me so much anxiety, that I barely open my personal email account, and I have mounds of mail that haven't been open in months. I went from making $95,000/year to $0 since October, currently on food stamps, and this month's rent still hasn't been paid, as I have been waiting for months to get approved for DES emergency rental assistance. 

And then...my appearance. I'm a very attractive woman. Or, at least, I used to be. Now, my face is getting swollen and sagging, especially around my nose and under eyes, my skin looks terrible from being constantly dehydrated for months, and my hair is thinning from not eating and from being malnourished for all these many months. But, the worse part is my teeth. My smile is my signature. It walks into the room before I do. It used to be beautiful. But, I have now lost a veneer on top, and chipped and cracked my bottom teeth terribly. I don't look like myself anymore. But it probably doesn't matter, because I also don't smile anymore. 

I don't sing anymore either. In fact, music is so agitating to me on Adderall, and I get so over stimulated, that I haven't listened to music in months. I haven't had music on in the house for months. We haven't talked about music for months. Similarly with nature. I hate the sun. We aren't going outside like we used to. There have been no picnics this year. No walks. No educational scavenger hunts. All the fun and joy and love and light I am known for; just gone. I don't do yoga anymore. I certainly don't meditate anymore. And, I don't think anything is funny anymore. My life has become nothing but an endless pit of rolled up, orange-stained dollar bills, and credit cards that are all maxed out, but worn around all the edges, serving now only to form lines on my bathroom sink. 

Despite all of this, it wasn't until the last couple of weeks that I realized...admitted...that it was the Adderall. I had just felt as though I was a victim, and that it was a serious of uncontrollable circumstances that has destroyed my life. But, after reading all of your posts, I understood. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this, so I just didn't realize it. I didn't realize others were going through the exact same things as I was. Others who share one common denominator; Adderall.

Once I finally came to terms with the "what" was causing my life to fall apart, I was left trying to figure out the "how" and the "when" of quitting. Turns out, the Universe made that decision for me. A few nights ago, my daughter caused, and was in a very serious car accident, which totaled my only vehicle. She had two of her friends in the car, hydroplaned, lost control, and wrapped my car around a tree. No one can figure out exactly how they all survived, let alone walked out of the ER after only a few hours of observation, but they are all fine. Physically. However, over the last couple of days, it has become clear to me that my daughter is currently struggling with significant PTSD. It has also become clear to me that she needs me right now. Children always need their mother, of course. But right now, she NEEDS ME needs me. So does my son. So do I.

The pills are gone. I flushed them last night. I didn't admit to her the full extent because she is already so incredibly emotionally traumatized from the accident. But, I told my daughter I was quitting and I asked her to accompany me to my next doctor's  appointment to tell them as well. I also made an appointment for my daughter this week to get an intake done at the local mental health clinic, so I can get her counseling and help get her through this challenging period of her life. I also told my son that, each day I would do my best to cry a little less than the day before, to stop snapping, and to work really hard to fix everything I let fall apart. And I told both of my children how very sorry I am that I let them down, but that we are not looking back. Only forward. 

I had no intention of writing this long-winded diatribe. I was only going to write "Day 1: Putting down Adderall" but, for some reason, the moment I was able to write a post, the last 10 months just poured out from me. Sort of like falling down on the playground, scratching your knee, not crying because you are tough, only to fall into your mother's arms sobbing the moment you get home. 

Speaking of mother's, Mother's Day is coming up soon. When it gets here this year, I want to have earned that title. I want to be deserving of that honor. This Mother's Day, I just want to be the mother I was before Adderall. I know my children want me to be that too. So...

Day 1. Putting down Adderall. Picking up my life.

[Teresa]

@Chihuahua LoverWow, out of all these posts yours literally made me cry. Tears running down my cheeks. I am so sorry you have to go through this dark trial. Everyday is a challenge. But YOU will definitely come through this shining. I, too have an autistic son, at my outcome hasn't been as fortunate as yours. My son is 38 nonverbal like a little toddler but I love him to death I work with him 3 days a week that is my job because he requires 24-hour care That's a whole long story all by itself. He had a bad reaction to his first set of shots at 2 months. Adderall made me super mom but I can relate to everything you have said and it's so disturbing right?! I'm sitting here right now making a picture for my grandchild that moved away because I don't have the ambition to do anything else. I feel so brain damaged. You are so fortunate you weren't only on it for 10 months. I have taken it for years and years on and off I quit once and went back after years. Now I've been off since January 16th and it's going to take probably years to get my brain back and I'm 61. And in May I'm having implants put in my mouth Yes it destroys your mouth. All the money I have wasted and wasted and still justified my behavior. I make myself sick. But enough of that feeling sorry for myself. You just know you are not alone and we are all here for you. You will probably come out of this a lot better than a lot of us because you jumped on the bandwagon pretty quick good for you! If you ever want to talk hit me up I will listen. Take care of yourself and your beautiful family

 

[Chihuahua Lover]

Teresa, No. No, no, no, no. Don't say you make yourself sick. That wasn't you. That wasn't/isn't most of the people on this forum. This "medication"... it's an entirely different form of Hell. Maybe in the early days, when our bodies were developing an addiction, we allowed our brains to ignore what was happening. So many of us put our trust and faith in doctors who didn't care about anything other than paying their own bills, that we turned a blind eye to what was happening. And, by time we did realized it, we were already very different people, seemingly worlds away from who we wanted to be. So, please don't carry that guilt with you. It sounds as though you already have your hands full with your beautiful son. Do not try to pile regret on top of that. We WILL fix this. You, I, all of us. We can and we will.

I NEED you to understand something...your posts and ALA's posts, are ultimately what gave me the strength this week to flush my pills and begin the recovery process immediately, instead of telling myself I would just stop when my current prescription ran out. I would have, likely, kept using for the next 2 weeks, pushing off my children, my health, my responsibilities, and my fresh start. 95% of me wanted to stop using months ago. But that 5% was just so damn loud that, month after month after month, the parts of me that wanted to change was drowned out and overruled. But, not this time. THIS time, I read the stories of other people; other women and other mothers, who helped me quiet that 5% of my brain long enough to read, learn, and act. I am currently almost at the end of Day 2 because of you ladies. 

So, please, PLEASE don't say you make yourself sick. Because, while you think you are just talking about Teresa, you are actually talking about my inspiration. And I just can't let anyone talk about her that way. 

[ALA]

@Chihuahua Lover& @TeresaKeep going. This thread has been just what I needed this morning, a tremendous reminder to keep going. It gets better. The more you show up for yourself, the more you show up for your kids and your grandbabies, and the less you glamorize the damn drug. Showing up right now simply means not listening to that 5% of your brain that is trying to deceive you. Focus on what the 95% is telling you, showing you, proving to you, what you are capable of. 

97 days. LFG. 

[Teresa]

@Chihuahua Loverand @ALA Good morning!it's 6:30 & I'm up! Thank you for your posts it was refreshing and inspiring to get up and read them. I'm sorry I was negative about myself. I try not to be hard on myself. I know it's going to get better especially with summer coming on and the sunshine. Yesterday was nice and I went to town with my husband and I felt good. It's hardest when I'm sitting in the house after he's gone to work in the morning and I think I'm going to get something done today and then I don't do a whole lot. I'm waiting for my son to come with his caretaker so I will have him for the day. I'm so glad I have this for my job because I enjoy taking care of him. He can make me a little weary because sometimes he just follows me around lol and he doesn't know what he wants.Oh how I wish he could talk. And it has to be so frustrating to not ever be able to speak.The lyrics to My Valentine just resignate with me for him "if there were no words no way to speak I would still hear you . If there were no tears, no way to to feel, I'd still feel for youfor......

He never cries either.  He understands alot of what you say and I know I'm his favorite person. Anyway enough about that.

I love this forum it does give me so much strength and I know there's light at the end of the tunnel I see it occasionally. I am just waiting for that glorious day when I wake up and have a day where I get things done and feel like myself again. You all are a huge inspiration and I mean that with all my heart I am so glad I came across this. It is so crazy what that medication does and how it makes you think. I am so happy to be off of it even feeling like I do because I know I would have ended up having a stroke or be dead had I kept going. Now I just work on living life to the fullest and trying to keep my self-healthy. Have a beautiful day Hope to hear from you. Oh and I have chihuahuas too!

 

[Chihuahua Lover]

Hi ladies!!!! I was so excited to read both of your replies tonight!!! When I was little, our school tied notes to the end of helium balloons to see how far they might reach. I actually got a response back from someone in Florida who found my note. That's what this feels like!!! It's as equally exciting. <3

I am in a bit of a rush tonight. I was able to get a last-minute appointment with my dentist for the morning to fix the chips in my bottom teeth!! I am incredibly grateful!!! Today was Day 3, and was quite a bit better than yesterday. Yesterday, I could hardly wake up and needed two naps (one of which was over 3 hours. yikes) This morning, it was considerably easier to wake up, and I only took one 1.5-hour nap. Hopefully, I won't need any naps at all tomorrow, but if I do, then I do. I'm trying to give my body some much-needed patience.

ALA, thank you so much for joining in on this thread. Both of your ladies' support means the world to me!!

Teresa!!!!! Chihuahuas are the best!!! I have two and they are the loves of my life.  Well, you know, other than my kids...I guess.

I'm sorry this isn't longer. I just have to get my son and I in bed a little early tonight, so I can wake up plenty early to get to my dentist appointment. But, I will write more tomorrow. If you see this tonight, then I hope you have a great evening. Otherwise, have a lovely Thursday morning. <3<3

[BrianJB]

How are you doing with your detox Chihuahua Lover? I joined just because i read your post.  I assumed i could only continue reading if i was a member.  A little distressed you haven't posted since April 26th. I will be starting my own thread. Will be quite the story. Im on day 2 going into 3 here.