It's time to beginT

[Tjamessmith]

So I have had an account for a few months now, just seeing what people have been writing, getting influenced and realizing I wasn't alone. A part of me, inside was screaming to release my stories but another part of me was not ready too. But now I feel like it's time to tell my story and to begin again. I'll start off with my background story and then jump into my life currently. I'm really hoping this forum can help me. So please be nice with comments!

Well the first time I tried adderall I was in my senior year of high-school. At this time I wasn't prescribed to this medication. My friend introduced me to, as what they like to call "blue footballs." I remember that first night the chemicals were released in my brain. All of a sudden a huge smile appeared on my face, I was wanting to play video games (which I rarely do), talk to all of my friends through texts, listen to music, and just overall loving life. I immediately messaged my friend that I wanted/needed more of this drug, this was the beginning of my addiction. Over the next few months I continuously seeked adderall moving on from the blue footballs and on to adderall XR 20 mg. My body was developing a tolerance after a while, taking up to 100 mg a day. Note I'm about 160 lbs and very athletic. Some days I would feel great, other days felt miserable. I can remember nights that I would just be up popping pills, downloading music and watching movies. The next day just feeling like a zombie, couldn't eat anything and could hardly enjoy water. I knew I had to quit but yet I would always find myself doing the same thing over again the next week or so. I don't know if this happened to anyone or not as well, but sometimes my tongue would swell up badly and the side of my tongue would have the imprints of my teeth all around it. I once got thrush from taking so much adderall. Well I finally graduated high-school and went on to college, where I was clean for a few months before starting. I thought I was away from my past and was ready to start over, but man was that a joke. Just my luck, my roommate happened to be ADHD and was prescribed adderall and I easily relapsed again. I began to steal his adderall all the time and when he would be out, I seeked to buy more from friends. I got really bad at stealing the drugs from friends, I was starting lose sight of who I was because of all the all-nighter I pulled. I hardly could imagine my life without adderall and the thoughts that I wouldn't fit in if I wasn't high on the drug. It is scary, reflecting back on it. In April I attempted suicide because I became so depersonalized and my life was just a complete mess.

So I got cleaned for 3 months and started thinking clearly and had my life going down the right path. I got into another college and was all excited for it. But then the fear of classes kicked in. I started seeing a therapist because I was diagnosed Bipolar depression in rehab and so when I saw my therapist before leaving I faked my adhd symptoms and was easily written a script of 25 mg of adderall. I started taking them in the Fall semester this year, struggled with quitting for weeks and then getting back on them. Finally once the semester was over I told myself never again! I then found myself attending church and really finding my religion and faith. I know through prayer god can help me and give me strength but it gets hard. I was doing good all the way through January until just a few weeks ago when my Psychiatrist insisted that I started back on my adderall. So I bought into it. Telling myself that I wouldn't abuse it again and that I would take it properly. Yeah, didn't workout so well. I pulled an al-nighter for an exam popping 3 pills that night, and found myself feeling that horrible zombie like feeling. I just broke down the next day on my adi-hangover, and forced myself to give my meds to my friend to flush down the toilet. Now I'm here writing this story and have been clean from my meds for 5 days. It has been so hard! I'm so tired and have no motivation to do anything. I'm fearing that my grades are going to be impacted because of my stupid decisions and the fear is wanting me to go get another refill! But I'm not going to allow now that my story is out here and hopefully with support from fellow users. Any advice would help! I'm a sophomore in College, and am just mainly worried about staying on top of my grades, staying awake in classes, and just being able to not want to lay in bed all day. So please, any advice on how to help with these symptoms would be awesome. I'm ready to be my normal self again and not have to rely on these pathetic drugs. I want to feel emotions and enjoy doing my hobbies again, soccer, photography, my faith, jogging. It's time to begin! Thank you for reading this- James

[Greg]

Hey James and welcome to the forums. I congratulate you on being clean the first five days but want to remind you that you are in the danger zone of relapsing. We see a lot of people here who have a few days clean and then can't take it anymore and go back to it. Now is the time you have to do everything in your power to keep your motivation to stay off this shit as high as possible. Write down your reasons why adderall has harmed your life and read that list over and over...stay on this board and post if you feel a desire to relapse.

Understand chemically what's going on in your brain when you become dependent on adderall and be repulsed by it..understand how you are becoming psychologically dependent on adderall when it gains control over you and you are afraid to even go to class or study without it.(you used to be able to do this stuff before you knew what adderall was)

Getting addicted to adderall is as serious as getting addicted to any other drug. Just because adderall is legally prescribed for ADHD doesn't make it any safer. When you are taking it at the dosages you have been 100 mgs, the honeymoon is over and you have crossed over into addiction.

Now is the time to be proactive, that means cutting off your doctor from prescribing you ever again and realizing you have a support group here that is facing life without adderall and depending on what stage we are in is just as scared as you are with the same concerns too.

You can do this, but you have to be stronger than you ever have been before, especially if you are going to do this without rehab. You have to break your physical and psychological dependence to this drug and that means staying off of it and severing your ability to get back on it. You have to believe in yourself and know that you can study and do things without it, and your fear of doing those things without adderall will eventually go away, and of course it's going to be difficult at first but if you do what you know is right for you in your gut you can beat this and live better and more happily then you ever have before.

[LILTEX41]

James,

I am SO HAPPY you posted! I LOVE what In Recovery has said and please listen with all your heart. Adderall is some scary shit and I am thankful you came clean to all of us tonight.

Have you told your family and friends? I really think you need support right now. What about someone at your church if you don't feel comfortable with telling family or friends? I just think it would be so good if you had someone to talk to face to face and someone to call if you needed to at times.

Sometimes I don't feel like I am the great with advice for people who are just quitting because my addiction had to get really severe before I would quit for good...I spent a day at the ER, psych ward, and a week in a detox unit. Never EVER wanting to go through such a horrific experience along with all the other horrible stuff that happened..well, that's what kept me clean. I wanted a life that was sane again. I wanted to sleep, eat, and peace. For me it meant I had to give up my super stressful job as a supervisor and go work night shift for a year. I finally changed jobs and found one way less stressful. I had to make my life as easy as possible in order to not turn back to the pills. It is OK to take a few steps backwards in order to move forward again eventually. If you need to drop your classes and take a semester off to get clean then that's what you do!!!! This is your LIFE that is at stake here!

I got an idea....let's visualize....imagine what your life will look like without adderall for the next 5 years. Plan it out. Map some goals out you'd like to achieve each year..like for example..

1st Year - 2013 - GET OFF ADDERALL & DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY CLEAN

2nd Year

3rd Year

4th Year

5th Year

Ok, now visualize what will happen if you go back on adderall based on what has happened already. Now imagine that getting like 10 times worse because that is what addiction looks like. It never gets better!!! It's just like Kenny Chesney says, "One is one too many, and one is never enough."

If you need someone to talk to, please message me. I will support you in any way I can to help you get through this.

Just know that You CAN do this. I have FAITH in you. God will pull you through this. Maybe there is a recovery group at your church?

Ok, well you are in my prayers tonight my friend. Just hang in there and we will all be right here to help! (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

[LILTEX41]

James,

I'm worried about you! I hope you're okay. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing tonight. Please stay in touch.