Tjamessmith

So I have had an account for a few months now, just seeing what people have been writing, getting influenced and realizing I wasn't alone. A part of me, inside was screaming to release my stories but another part of me was not ready too. But now I feel like it's time to tell my story and to begin again. I'll start off with my background story and then jump into my life currently. I'm really hoping this forum can help me. So please be nice with comments! Well the first time I tried adderall I was in my senior year of high-school. At this time I wasn't prescribed to this medication. My friend introduced me to, as what they like to call "blue footballs." I remember that first night the chemicals were released in my brain. All of a sudden a huge smile appeared on my face, I was wanting to play video games (which I rarely do), talk to all of my friends through texts, listen to music, and just overall loving life. I immediately messaged my friend that I wanted/needed more of this drug, this was the beginning of my addiction. Over the next few months I continuously seeked adderall moving on from the blue footballs and on to adderall XR 20 mg. My body was developing a tolerance after a while, taking up to 100 mg a day. Note I'm about 160 lbs and very athletic. Some days I would feel great, other days felt miserable. I can remember nights that I would just be up popping pills, downloading music and watching movies. The next day just feeling like a zombie, couldn't eat anything and could hardly enjoy water. I knew I had to quit but yet I would always find myself doing the same thing over again the next week or so. I don't know if this happened to anyone or not as well, but sometimes my tongue would swell up badly and the side of my tongue would have the imprints of my teeth all around it. I once got thrush from taking so much adderall. Well I finally graduated high-school and went on to college, where I was clean for a few months before starting. I thought I was away from my past and was ready to start over, but man was that a joke. Just my luck, my roommate happened to be ADHD and was prescribed adderall and I easily relapsed again. I began to steal his adderall all the time and when he would be out, I seeked to buy more from friends. I got really bad at stealing the drugs from friends, I was starting lose sight of who I was because of all the all-nighter I pulled. I hardly could imagine my life without adderall and the thoughts that I wouldn't fit in if I wasn't high on the drug. It is scary, reflecting back on it. In April I attempted suicide because I became so depersonalized and my life was just a complete mess. So I got cleaned for 3 months and started thinking clearly and had my life going down the right path. I got into another college and was all excited for it. But then the fear of classes kicked in. I started seeing a therapist because I was diagnosed Bipolar depression in rehab and so when I saw my therapist before leaving I faked my adhd symptoms and was easily written a script of 25 mg of adderall. I started taking them in the Fall semester this year, struggled with quitting for weeks and then getting back on them. Finally once the semester was over I told myself never again! I then found myself attending church and really finding my religion and faith. I know through prayer god can help me and give me strength but it gets hard. I was doing good all the way through January until just a few weeks ago when my Psychiatrist insisted that I started back on my adderall. So I bought into it. Telling myself that I wouldn't abuse it again and that I would take it properly. Yeah, didn't workout so well. I pulled an al-nighter for an exam popping 3 pills that night, and found myself feeling that horrible zombie like feeling. I just broke down the next day on my adi-hangover, and forced myself to give my meds to my friend to flush down the toilet. Now I'm here writing this story and have been clean from my meds for 5 days. It has been so hard! I'm so tired and have no motivation to do anything. I'm fearing that my grades are going to be impacted because of my stupid decisions and the fear is wanting me to go get another refill! But I'm not going to allow now that my story is out here and hopefully with support from fellow users. Any advice would help! I'm a sophomore in College, and am just mainly worried about staying on top of my grades, staying awake in classes, and just being able to not want to lay in bed all day. So please, any advice on how to help with these symptoms would be awesome. I'm ready to be my normal self again and not have to rely on these pathetic drugs. I want to feel emotions and enjoy doing my hobbies again, soccer, photography, my faith, jogging. It's time to begin! Thank you for reading this- James