Creative Block

[emmmapea]

To give just a bit of background: I'm currently in school right now, taking 6 credits, trying to slowly but surely reach my bachelors degree (about 16 credits left). Adderall has helped me now for over 6 years in school, at first it was harmless of course (or so I thought), but then rapidly growing into a full fledged dependance. I am now at day 10 in being clean of it, after relapsing many-a-time, but I just feel it, I just KNOW that this time will be for good.

Anyway, in general I have been doing better than I predicted, but one of the challenges I'm coming to face is not being able to produce any sort of work that involves writing with the ease that I once was able to do. Writing used to be one of the things I was best at, concerning the work I did for school. I found that my words just easily flowed onto the paper and I felt confidant in my work. I'd take a paper over a presentation ANY day.

Now - I feel like I could just stare at the computer screen for hours searching for the words, rather, ANY words at that, to come to mind. It took me awhile to even write a significant amount here in this forum because at it was so difficult for me to convey anything I was thinking into writing. I hate it. It's like some mental block and I feel a huge amount of anxiety anytime there's talk of a paper coming up in class. My biggest worry is that in order to freaking graduate college I'm going to have to write many papers in the next few months...has anyone experienced anything like this? Or something in the similar sense? I guess it's almost like writers block?

I find myself watching and envying all the people in the computer lab just typing away.

[Searchingsoul9]

I wish i had some advice for you! But congrats on being clean

When i first abused adderall my creativity sky rocketed. Writing was just so easy. It poured onto the paper, literally.

Same with drawing.

But i found the deeper into addiciton i got, the worse my writing became.

It was scattered and i was constantly searching for the perfect word.

It got bad. Now i feel my writing is better, but i could be wrong. None of my classes involve much writing, so i am only going off of how i write on here or via text.

Something will spark your creativity soon. I know it.

The further you get into recovery, the easier it will become. I have hope<3

[lea]

Congratulations on day 10! Official double-digits!! I too have a history of half-assed quitting attempts fueled by crazed thinking that if I went a few days without meds I could eventually go back on them again - this time it was going to be different and guess what... it never was. I finally hit 6 weeks clean and feel a lot more stable. What it really took for me to get clean was a major change in thinking -- from "maybe I can someday go back" to "forget it -- I can't go back so stop thinking about it and start thinking about how to move forward." Your creativity will come back slowly but surely. In the mean time ... don't be too hard on yourself. In the beginning you will need to get by on as little work as possible. Just remember it does get easier!

[Cat]

Congratulations on 10 days clean and sticking with it. That's huge.

Did you feel like your writing was better, or more creative, or it was just easier to put words on paper?

My experience was similar to SearchingSoul's. At first being on Adderall made me able to crank out words (cranking out any type of work product was just easier) but it grew harder and my writing definitely got worse. Spending more time searching for a perfect word, rewriting every sentence, spending hours just writing an email or a whole day on a short assignment.

I am now 6 weeks clean. One thing I noticed right away was I was less attached to making things perfect, in a good way. Not every email needs to be a beautiful composition! Working in drafts is easier too - putting words on paper no matter how awkward they sound, and either getting feedback from a coworker or fellow student, or just coming back to the assignment later and improving it.

So, keep at it -- things will improve for you and your writing.

[BeHereNow]

WOW! I share the same experiences you all are relating!! My writing was great at first on adderall but definitely became worse towards the end of my adderall career. I still wrote some good stuff I'm proud of, but it took soo much more effort and I became increasingly obsessive to the point where it blocked me completely. It really confused me on a deep level.

I still haven't gotten over the quitting-induced creative block, and I'm a little over 50 days in. I think it's going to require fully changing our attitudes towards writing. And, well, just forcing it a little where necessary.

One thing that's helping me: I am trying to fire my inner editor and just let the words flow, without caring what comes out. Then leave it, come back to it, and edit.

Funny, I've always been like you in general (on or off it) in that I always preferred writing over speaking. Now that I'm quit, I am currently enjoying speaking over writing! Shows how bad my writers block is, but it's also an interesting reversal.

Maybe we can keep trading tips, because I have a major paper to finish up soon......

[olivia115]

Now that I'm quit, I am currently enjoying speaking over writing!

I love this, I couldn't agree more. I'm about 100+ days in now and it's still hard, BUT much easier than it was at day 50. I had a dreaded assignment today which on adderall would have probably taken me double the time because I would have been so obsessed with wording every sentence exactly perfect (rearranging, rewording ad nausea) I finished it in about 7 hours with plenty of breaks. Now, to me, that's a still a pretty long time to be working on one assignment (mind you it's a pass/fail class) but i finished it! When I first quit, I don't think I believed I was capable of that, but I am! We all are!

[quit-once]

About a year ago there was a post entitled "writing when on / off adderall". Very similar to this thread except it focused more on the quality of your writing. I really can't tell much difference in my quality of work whether I wrote it tweaked or after I quit. But, my god, the amount of time it took to get it "perfect" was incredible. I can crank out a one page article now in about two hours or so and it would take me at least a day on adderall. And I honestly cannot tell the difference in clarity or quality. I had a lot higher opinion of my own work when I was taking adderall.

[LILTEX41]

Emmapea,

I know what you mean. I remember how I used to feel so smart because the words would just roll of my toungue when on adderall and for some reason it just felt like everything clicked in my brain at once.

What is your degree in? Anything to do with writing? Is this anxiety strictly about graduating or is your future career involved as well?

I've found I have to REALLY be into something in order to find that hyperfocus mode like I used to have on adderall. Actually, funny story...so the one thing I did have amazing focus for had to do with an article for a magazine. I advised the editor I would finish my story I had started about my trip to the ER the first time. I don't know what came over me, but what was supposed to be a 3-5 page story ended up being like 43 pages!!!! I wrote non-stop for a week straight and it was so much fun. I wrote at work (oopsie) and I wrote every chance I got. I think that life in post adderall world, you have to find the things you are super passionate about in order to find that drive that is induced on adderall. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but my only suggestion would be that whatever you have to write papers on...see if you can find topics that really interest you and you want to write about.

Good luck and congratulations on 10 days!!! Whoop whoop!!!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I really like the direction about firing your inner editor. On adderall your inner editor becomes the CEO of your writing and it makes you second guess everything.

Emmapea, you've done it before you will do it again. Your natural passion will return and you will love to appreciate writing the way you once did. It's hard, but trust in yourself.