Heather67 Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 So yeah ...2 months and for the last week or more that red flagging that appeared a God send.. Has been more like the albatross I just want to find a way around. And I won't lie...I have been researching the shit outta if there's a way...seems not. I am struggling with the doing absolutely nothing thing again...and started remembering the pleasure ...the happy...the sense of accomplishment of doing under the influence of adderall. Though I know it isn't really what it appears to be...I bought into the just a few to get a few things done. If anyone had come thru I would have taken them...but they didn't...but.why would I want to even if they did.. .I'm.not stupid about what they'll do...but I'd still take a few. Though I havnt used ...I'm at square one in my own head for this is not recovery ...its white knuckling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Heather, We haven't heard much from you lately and, frankly, I have been worried about you. How is the job search going? Did you get your resume put together? Why the downturn in your attitude and reslove to stay quit, especially now? I wish I had more words of encouragement for you but I simply do not know all that is going on in your life right now. "Just a few to get things done" - - Really? Since you were taking them by the handfulls, I doubt "just a few" would be the solution you are looking for. I wish I could convince you to look at your own adderall addiction with the same disdain and disgust as you view your husband's heroin addiction. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Really hope you start feeling better soon!! I just wanna come take you home with me and make you feel better! (sounds creepy lol) you're a great woman and you deserve to be happy. This to shall pass though,just keep holding on. If you went back to the pills, you'd feel great the first day,but then comes the crash and wanting to jump out of your skin. Then the pills will stop working again, and you'll feel worse than you do now. You'll wish you hadn't gone back to it and be discouraged that you have to start from day 1 again. You know this though. Just don't lose hope. Xox 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Heather, I have been concerned about you too, like quit-once, and thinking I haven't seen you much on the site. Do you think your desire to go back to adderall hell and not actively posting on here have any correlation? My thought is if someone is planning a relapse, there's not a lot you can say to stop it. Your addiction is talking (more like screaming expletives at you) now, and I really hope you choose not to listen to it. I give you props for coming here and being honest, and I sincerely hope you choose to stick to sobriety. We've seen you evolve into someone who has a full understanding of what addiction robs from you: body, mind, and spirit, and I'm curious as well as to what changed. Have you gotten to any meetings? Please fill us in. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 You are all correct!!!! There is no reason for this besides slipping off the positives like this site...and retreating to where no one can tell me shit...no one can find me....the isolation of ones own addiction. I've been letting my frustration take over and not applying my " fuckin bring it so I can kick it in the balls and conquer it" attitude. The preverbial A GAME. So to speak. Been so tired and the job thing has held low hours with minimum wage...I have 70.00 a week that'll go to my ex husband for child support...Fuckin joke..but not to the state...I need to wait tables so the piddly pay check covers the c.support and all the tips are mine. Gonna pick up here soon too...so ill find something. But most definitely Ashley there is a connection..like I said...the addict tends to hide where the healthy can't find them...doesn't help I know people who have em and are all postin on f.b all the shit they're getting done...and I get jealous...a little. That's small tho in what I'm dealing with. Today is the first day in a few I'm pushing my ass again...geting up and little here and there geting shit done...I've said out loud a few times..."fuck this heather...do this...you've done it before..DONT freak you broke the fuckin coffee pot...be grateful!"... I'm trying and fighting hard to get a handle on my head again...and ummm QUIT ONCE ...LIKE THE PIX. LOL!! LOVE U GUYS!! .. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 doesn't help I know people who have em and are all postin on f.b all the shit they're getting done...and I get jealous...a little. .. Heather!!! I'm so happy to see you back here! Congrats on 2 months girl, you've come a long way even if you don't feel it right now. Those friends who are posting all about the crap they're getting done on adderall must be really hard to be around. But I have to ask, what are they accomplishing? Are their posts actually interesting? This might seem harsh, but are they fun people to be around? Are they truly happy? Because I'm starting to think that happiness is incompatible with adderall addiction. Also, unless they plan to keep taking that crap for the rest of their lives, then they'll have to go through the quitting process eventually too. YOU ARE AHEAD OF THEM. If I were you I would block them from my news feed so you don't see their posts...... Also: as others have already said: taking a few pills will just mess you up. It won't bring you back to where you were when you were taking them. Since you no longer have any access to your previous dosage, you might as well just stay clean. A small relapse will only make you jones for more. It will only make your quitting process worse. With adderall, especially for those of us who got used to high dosages, sometimes it's all or nothing--there's no in-between. Also, can I just say that you have an amazing, vibrant personality. Please, don't destroy it over this! xoxo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Heather!!! I've missed your posts. HOLD ON GIRLFRIEND !!! 2 months is MAJOR. You know that there are good days and bad. I struggle every single day to do something semi-productive in my free time. Most of the time I just plunk down in front of the TV and EAT. I don't know how to break this cycle but as long as I'm not drugged I know I eventually will. It just feels harder. I know I have more power than the pills and so do you. Your posts are SPOT ON and I have learned a TON about quitting from you (lol ... do I sound like a stalker???) This will pass and it will be a phase in your recovery that you look back on, like you look back on your adderall days and say - I don't know how I got through that but I'm NEVER going there again. Post often and let us diffuse your stress. It always feels better to vent and somewhere in your brain it registers the intention to keep on going no matter what. The job situation will get better. I always want what I want when I want it -- in addiction that seems possible but it's just stinkin thinkin as they say in the rooms. In recovery you have to perservere ... delayed gratification and all that. I have to echo what everyone else has written about relapse -- your tolerance will start where you left off and you will go down fast. DON'T GO THERE! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Awww thanks girl. In the rooms ...I love that!! They were where i found myself once...harder juggling them with a 3 year old this time...was just thinking of taking him maybe for a bit tonite...just to be with the positive...ya know. I'm so fuckin tired...and I have a damn baked potato in the oven cuz there's nothing else till I get to the store later...I just went fuckin backwards on everything just thinking so much about using again...ill tale half a klonopin to take the edge of the Jones ...that adds to the tired....but fuck I'm trying!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted February 22, 2013 Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Take your 3 year old to the meeting -- people in the rooms LOVE that! It shows you are serious -- hell I think I'll go to one tonite myself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2013 Hahaha...old timers love little kids. Gotta strait push my ass outta this funk. Its funny cuz this meeting used to be like 150 people deep...and I chaired it...a year commitment! !!! Funny..now I get my 2 month chip. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 I was thinking about you too over the last few days... you went from being here every day to every 3 days to once a week.... and yes, we've missed you. But I'm really proud of you for coming here and saying you've struggled. That's NORMAL, lady, nothing out of the ordinary, and we ALL go through it. You're amazing, and strong, and the fact you got through 2 months cold turkey from the dosage you were taking, through the stressors of Christmas and the holidays have always amazed me. Just know that we are here, we support you, and if you relapse (not that I encourage you to!) we will also be here. Just put it behind you and move on, it's not going to get a vice like grip on you agin if you KEEP. MOVING. FORWARD. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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