Heather67 Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 I apologize for my constant whining ....its Saturday like 9:30 a.m....no energy...no nothing!!!!so many days I can't even get the push factor goin....if.people don't text me back...I freak on them for having no common courtesy. Got up at 430...due to going to bed at like 7 cuz. So.fuckin bored...I just wake up frustrated ...go to bed that way...I'm skipping the klonopin today see if that helps any. Cuz this is bullshit and I'm not sure where its all coming from....I'm so broke and my best friend got a tax return of like 3600.00 on the 20 th....she owes me 400.00 that I happily gave her for rent she was short on back in the summer when I had $$$$... now I hear nothing from her...I've text her and get the its going in my account at midnite...that was 2nites ago. I feel like the scumbag pestering her...why is that??? Why don't people do what you'd do for them...and I did do for her. I don't know....its like I can't catch a break...and I'm getting pissed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 She will pay you back -- then don't lend her $$ ever again :excl: It's always a slippery slope with friends and money. Not something you need to be worrying about in early recovery that's for sure. I'd be pissed too and early recovery seems to magnify my hatred of people who take advantage of me, or who I think are taking advantage of me... sometimes they're not but it sure feels that way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 This is horrible!!! I did manage to wash my hair like an hour and a half ago...then just left the towel on it for all that time.....HAHAHA ...I am so fucked. Seems I couldnt even complete that task without half assing it!!! Not that I care...its just typical lately. Just want to take a nap and wake up and have it be bed time....my poor kid. He just keeps going and going...and mommy sucks!!!! Supposed to go hang out with a friend tonite.. He's a good one to cop out at the last minute anyway .... but I want to save him the trouble and do it now. We've been friends forever...since high school....he has a ton of his own shit goin on too...not drugs..just life shit...he's fairweathered lately and I hate that shit.....God damn I'm rambling ...I just can't believe how mentally spent I am...and physically. Grrrrr!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post quit-once Posted February 23, 2013 Popular Post Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Heather, Let's try to shift gears and focus on the good things of your life. I am going to make some assumptions so correct me where I go wrong. I want to get you started on a list of positives so here goes: You have a living parent, kids, and friends that love you and need you. a husband that loves you and he is not cheating and you know where he is a community of people on this web site and at AA who will support you a government with a social safety net, rule of law, justice, and the ability to enforce it to keep you safe You have a warm house with clean running water, lights, and an indoor toilet a closet full of cloths food in your refrigerator and cupboard a computer and/or phone and TV to keep in touch with the world You have a functional body with 4 limbs, eyes, ears, nose and a mouth that all work a sound mind and good judgement intelligence and life experience the ability to find a job and support yourself your liberty and freedom freedom from your drug addiction a future that is yours to make anything you want it to be My question to you is can you add things to this list? Can you accept these things that are good without saying "yea, but....." after each one? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Thanks for making sense.quit once. Maybe ill even go grocery shopping today. LOL ..and I got a text that my $$$ owed will be here at 3. That's just a bonus I suppose...a lot of that is going on my husbands books...the Guy who indeed is not cheating on me...is not conditional towards me....just let his addiction get way outta hand. And indeed I have all of the other things as well. So I will try and appreciate and give as well today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Heather, Let's try to shift gears and focus on the good things of your life. I am going to make some assumptions so correct me where I go wrong. I want to get you started on a list of positives so here goes: You have a living parent, kids, and friends that love you and need you. a husband that loves you and he is not cheating and you know where he is a community of people on this web site and at AA who will support you a government with a social safety net, rule of law, justice, and the ability to enforce it to keep you safe You have a warm house with clean running water, lights, and an indoor toilet a closet full of cloths food in your refrigerator and cupboard a computer and/or phone and TV to keep in touch with the world You have a functional body with 4 limbs, eyes, ears, nose and a mouth that all work a sound mind and good judgement intelligence and life experience the ability to find a job and support yourself your liberty and freedom freedom from your drug addiction a future that is yours to make anything you want it to be My question to you is can you add things to this list? Can you accept these things that are good without saying "yea, but....." after each one? Quit-once, you are amazing, thank you for saying all of this. Its so easy to lose sight of all the things we have to be grateful for. I really think that deep kind of gratitude is key to overcoming most battles we fight in this world.....I needed to remember this today too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Plan on heading out to the grocery store and getting something kick ass for dinner ...a shit ton of Pepsi...maybe even a mixer for the Pepsi...already put the word out to the would be cancellation of plans dude...that I'm good with staying in...hanging with mom ...making my ass a size bigger...and catching some crazy moms on toddlers and tiaras. Or some say yes to the dress. Ahhhhhh,I am maybe getting o.k with these simple pleasures again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashley6 Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Heather, I'm really happy to see your attitude turn around....sooo happy! I also wanted to say something about klonopin. I've been on it for years now, and it still makes me sleepy, to the point where I can sleep for hours on end , so that could definitely be playing a part in just wanting to sleep. It does take the edge off for sure. Keep posting, woman....proud of you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Hi Heather, I'm sorry you're still struggling but honestly you know this yourself -- the only way out is through. Do you believe in your heart and know with your mind that things will eventually get better, and that life without adderall will be eventually better than life with it? I know what it's like to feel directionless and depressed. It's called recovery, and it sucks. But hang on to those good days you have, and know there will be more and more of them ahead, if you just keep your eyes on the light and don't over think things too much. Like you said, enjoy the simple things. Just think, when you were on adderall you were too frantic and manic to enjoy anything probably! Oh, one final thought to add to Ashley's. Klonopin + alcohol = zombieland. Your brain is already depressed, you don't want to add more to that. And Klonopin is terribly addictive... just saying... give yourself a helping hand and stay off addictive substances for a while? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 Yeah...no klonopin today. Still sleepy...not as depressed as at the start of the day...did get to the store and the boy will be off to bed soon ...I really wanted to throw myself at the mercy of an e.r for a psych evaluation this a.m ....I was so violently angry ....I also look to my friend that cancells often, for that guy validation shit...the stuff for my girlie ego that my husband. Can't just on a whim provide...nothing in a cross the line too far manner...but enough I wouldn't mention it to him(my husband) which tells me its wrong...we've never kept shit from each. Other . I. think that is fucking with me too. I need to deal with me and my own and no one else's ....thanks again all my loveys!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea Posted February 24, 2013 Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 the only way out is through I LOVE this -- and so true! Glad you are feeling better Heather! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 24, 2013 Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 Heather, Let's try to shift gears and focus on the good things of your life. I am going to make some assumptions so correct me where I go wrong. I want to get you started on a list of positives so here goes: You have a living parent, kids, and friends that love you and need you. a husband that loves you and he is not cheating and you know where he is a community of people on this web site and at AA who will support you a government with a social safety net, rule of law, justice, and the ability to enforce it to keep you safe You have a warm house with clean running water, lights, and an indoor toilet a closet full of cloths food in your refrigerator and cupboard a computer and/or phone and TV to keep in touch with the world You have a functional body with 4 limbs, eyes, ears, nose and a mouth that all work a sound mind and good judgement intelligence and life experience the ability to find a job and support yourself your liberty and freedom freedom from your drug addiction a future that is yours to make anything you want it to be My question to you is can you add things to this list? Can you accept these things that are good without saying "yea, but....." after each one? Heather, I asked you a couple of questions at the end of this post I wrote yesterday. How about an answer? Can you find anything else to be greatful for? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Heather67 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Popular Post Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 I have attempted to answer this 3 times and trying to remember some are without internet access. Grrrrr!!! But yes quit once..tho u covered a lot I will try.....I have very healthy children, mentally and physicially...for my challenges have often been theirs as well...I have the ability to give even with the little I have...I do it without much expectation..I have the gift of reflection...where I've been in my life,a life that I have never had to go without in as far as all my needs and then some being well met..its often my own wants that fuck up my thinking. I have what many don't...my children have what some children do not have....I have a spouse I can go visit...some have spouses that have been taken forever...I have a family that did not wash their hands of the "addict" and all of her "mistakes"...some families are getting a call to come and identify the body. I have a will greater than my own...I am blessed with forgiveness and the humility to honestly own all I have done....so really who gives a shit if the replacement pot does not fit the coffee maker....I do have a place to plug it in and need to remember those who do not. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted February 24, 2013 Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 I have a will greater than my own...I am blessed with forgiveness and the humility to honestly own all I have done.... This is really profound. Can you explain what you mean by "having a will greater than your own"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 24, 2013 Well of course religiously speaking we are supposed to do gods will not our own...personally i truely believe ones own spirituality is more relevant than ones own religion,and I know that left to my own devices,I fuck things up,I make poor choices and I can point fingers to find anyone or anything to pin it all on. I find that when I consciously step outside myself,shit always turns out fine,so I believe that destiny that was laid out when I got here 45 years ago...is actually a lot better than Heather believes it to be. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 25, 2013 Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 that's pretty deep, Heather. Lots of wisdom from you here. How do you know when to step aside and just let destiny take its course? Is there some kind of internal trigger you have to learn how to manage? How can you recognize when your own devices start fucking things up, before the poor choices have been made? You seem to have done a good job of that, lately. I think you are doin' great. Enjoy each one of those small life pleasures ! "The only way way out is through" good wisdom from MFA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 Hahaha...there you are!!!! Its hard to explain kinda...when I have even the urge to hook up a pill to "fix"a problem I honestly know that I have taken the reigns, I know that in no way shape or form is there enough adderall in the world to fix shit already been fuckin DONE. like my husbands prison term,the loss of the material things,I could take 100 and they aren't releasing him or dumping a pile of lost possessions on my front lawn. I have to do a lot of honest flipping in my head,and these last few days it took longer than I would like to "change the way you look at things...and what your looking at will change"..that was very motivated by the question you asked of me. So triggers to do it can certainly vary.. I do believe that a power greater than ourselves...call it God or what have you...puts everything in place for a reason...even the terrible things,and one day understanding why may or may not come for me but if accept that natural ebb and tide of life...and go with that..shits o.k..its overthinking it all and beating the life out of it like a pinata at a little kids b-day party ..puts life in the wrong gear. That may not have made any sense...but its the best I could do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 25, 2013 Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 "Change the way you look at things.... and what you're looking at will change" That is an awsome quote. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 Lived that saying day in and day out my first recovery rodeo...heard some dude matter-o-factly say it at a meeting and it was like someone hit me with a steel beam!!!!! I will never forget that night. So basic really,but took me till I was about 40 to apply it with astounding results!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted February 25, 2013 Report Share Posted February 25, 2013 Are you living that saying today? Heather, you have a lot of a lot of really good human traits like forgiveness and kindness. Your little kid is lucky to have you as a mom. A mom who has put her addiction behind her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather67 Posted February 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2013 Awww,thanks so much. I really try to live it, often I honestly don't wake up with that mantra...something will kick it in...like if I'm sitting just watching the clock ...then ill go ...OK this is making everything bullshit ...if I just get up and DO things may not appear so slowwwww. Ill get it all JAMMIN on the same page eventually,probably not today...that's cool too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SomedayDreamer Posted February 26, 2013 Report Share Posted February 26, 2013 awww, Heather... I don't mean this in a patronizing way when I say I can relate so much to what you're saying about personal circumstances and I also totally admire your wisdom. I know doing the mom-thing solo, being desperately broke at the worst possible times, friends seeming so out of touch, trying to just hang on while also believing, truly believing, that it WON'T always be like this... Not too long ago for me, the lights and water got cut off for a few days (can't believe how many gallons of water it takes just to flush a damn toilet once!), had to wait to borrow $$$ from some folks I felt like a jerk even asking, will scramble to pay them back and stay afloat-- praying that scary rattle & shake on the car isn't gonna keep me from starting my job (which was like an act divine providence to even get). Sometimes it's the perfect storm of getting slammed from all sides at once and everything just seems so uncertain and scary.. like if just one more tiny little thing goes wrong, it could all fall apart further at any moment. I'm not saying this just to bitch or cry together Doing the best we can with what we've got is all anyone can do. I think you are doing your best too... and if your best that day is just managing to stay upright and breaking down into tears only 5 times instead of 10, then you DID the best you could that day. I do believe it's all we can do and despite all that has gone wrong lately, I'm seeing with my own eyes that the shit in life we can't control or force with our will DOES have a way of working itself out in its own time as long as I just keep on keepin' on the best we know how. I think you got a better grasp on that than I do and you seem like one of the most self-aware persons ever. In the meantime, keep your head up mami- you're not alone 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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