New here. Adderall has taken my health- I want it back.

[Leila]

**Possible trigger** (I'm on Adderall right now & might be kinda rambling. I'm not sure of the rules, but I hope I'm allowed to post even though I'm "using". If anything, this lame sad post will remind a lot of people why they stopped)

Hello everyone, I've been reading the posts here for a while. It's the first place I found where other people were having the same feelings & struggles about quitting adderall.

I'm 30 yrs old, I have a toddler & a husband. I was prescribed Adderall at age 22. I went to get a script because I thought it'd help me fight off the temptation to use Coke. It did. I never touched the stuff again, but I traded in one addiction for another.

My story is like a lot of yours. At first, things were fine. Then as time went on, I needed more to even feel "okay". When I was younger, I could still function. I still had energy. I looked normal; maybe a little tired every now & then. But now after having a baby (I quit cold turkey a few months before conceiving him & didn't start again till he was 6 months), this drug has really taken a toll on me.

I need it just to stay awake. I don't feel much of a high- I'm so sleep deprived & drained it's just a slight boost of nervous energy.

I'm prescribed 25mgs but today I took 45mgs. More than normal. I feel SO anxious & scared. My kid & husband are downstairs and I'm hiding in our room. I'm cleaning up but I feel like a horrible mom. They just want me to relax & chill out with them but I feel so panicky cuz the adderall is wearing off.

I'm also prescribed Klonopin & take it every night to sleep. I wake up but don't ever feel rested. And I'm on Lexapro.

I tried to taper off myself. I tried cold turkey. I've made an appointment with a counselor to get help but I don't know how much experience she has with substance abuse. My Psychiatrist is out of state ( I just moved ), and he said to taper down 5 mg every 2 weeks. I know this will ONLY work if my husband has control of my pills. I want to just stop cold turkey, but whenever I try I get horrible anxiety after a few days. I don't want to do any longterm "damage" but stopping cold turkey since I'm very prone to depression & have been suicidal and self harmed in the past.

I know people here seem to think tapering down never works...but I need it to. I'm hoping with my husband, counselor & Psychiatrist backing me up that I will be adderall free in a few months.

I look like a meth addict. My skin has aged so much. My pores are huge. My skin is dry, wrinkled and rough. My teeth are yellowed from constantly drinking caffeinated sodas & tea. I get acne spots that never heal. My eating habits are horrible too, and I am so exhausted from adderall highs & restless Klonopin sleep that I suck at working out.

When I go out in public I feel like such a leper. I can see it on people's faces when they look at me, especially when they stand close. It's not that they're trying to be mean, but I can tell they are grossed out by how I look. It's SO hard for me to be in public and try to make friends but I force myself because my baby needs to have friends. So far I haven't made any in my new town.

My baby pointed at my acne the other day and said "Mama? What?" I just told him it was a boo-boo. Now he'll point at my face and say "Ow! Ow Mama!". It makes me so sad. I just want to be healthy for him, and instead I'm ...this.

I'm gonna stop writing because I'm crying now. I hope my husband will help me do this. I tried quitting months ago when I was staying with family before the move, and he was working. I sent him a few articles from here to read. He didn't read them for 5 weeks! Not until he finally understood I was taking more than prescribed. Then he promised to be in charge of my pills until I talked to a counselor about how to quit. Only he forgot the next day. And the day after I left them in my purse. And after that he forgot again. By then I'd lost my nerve and said nevermind. He said I should focus on paying attention to how much I'm taking before we start a taper down plan (I break up my 20mg IR into quarters and take them whenever. Any day I could take 20mg-45mg).

I just want to have normal conversations with people, to laugh easier, to not be in my head when my baby wants me to play with him. I want to look like & be a healthy person- not this pockmarked, caffeinated, tweaked out person.

I really hope my plan of stopping works. Please don't put me down for choosing to taper down instead of cold turkey. I'm scared I'll hurt myself if I go cold turkey. I really believe it will work if my husband is fully invested, my counselor can help, and my Psychiatrist knows not to give me more. I could use some encouragement if anyone has any to give. Just reading everyone's stories has given me a lot of hope.

~Leila

[LILTEX41]

Hi, Leila,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now and my heart goes out to you. The pain you are speaking of takes me right back into that god awful fight and I know it can feel so overwhelming, but you have done a tremendously brave thing tonight by posting online. You are on your way to freedom! The fact that you came here and got honest is HUGE and one of the BEST things you could ever do for yourself so give yourself a big (((hug)))) and if you can't then here is one from me to (((((you)))))).

The first time I tried to quit EVER is actually the first comment under Mike's article titled, "Your Challenge." My screen name at that time was Erin. I tried to do the step down method too to get me through my work week and then I finally did it and dumped the pills down the sink. I relapsed 3 months later, but at least it was a step in the right direction. I think you will find that the quitting process is a journey and you will have to find whatever works for you. It's hard to know that ahead of time and only you can decide that. This is your recovery and everyone has to find their own way as we are all individuals with different personalities, genetics, backgrounds, and experiences. From what I'm hearing you say, it sounds like adderall is no longer working for you and the negatives far out weigh the benefits at this point. If you have that and hold onto it in your heart ALWAYS, you can be confident in that you WILL rise above and you WILL OVERCOME this struggle. If you are doubting that you can do this and/or not sure you are ready, I suggest getting an index card and write out all the reasons why you want to quit on one side. Then list all the disadvantages of continuing to use on the other. Carry this card with you at all times and look at it whenever you need to.

Ok, friend, I hope you get some sleep tonight. Be rest assured God has a plan for you and better things than you could ever imagine are waiting for you!!

((((Hugs)))))

[Leila]

Thank you for your reply. I must be really emotional right now cuz it made me tear up. It just feels good to "talk" to someone who knows what it feels like to be addicted to adderall. ...even typing "addicted" makes me uncomfortable but I guess that's what I am.

I like your suggestion. I'm going to write out those cards. And maybe make a sign for my bathroom mirror.

Thank you. And I'll gladly take a hug.

(((((((hugs)))))))))))

[lea]

Leila -- You've come to the right place. I just read today in another post - "the only way out is through." You've come to the decision that you've had enough and that's a great start. You will see a lot of experiences on here of quitting cold turkey and I don't judge anyone on whatever way they choose to quit -- I honestly don't think anyone on here does because we've all been where you are. I just hear so much of my own struggle in your story, most notably the part about having it around. This drained my energy more than anything because instead of thinking about how to get through each day clean, my mind was cluttered with frenzied thoughts of how much to take today, tomorrow, planning.planning.planning and yet I had no control. It completely took over my mind. The day I decided to flush my pills I cried for the first time in over a year. It was the scariest thing I've ever done but there was also a huge weight lifted ... I can't really explain it but it was like a sense of serenity. Stay focused on your desire to be normal in all the ways you describe and keep your eyes on the prize - a healthy, normal life without adderall. G-dspeed to you!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Hi Leila, welcome to the forums. If you're serious about quitting, and you believe the fear of quitting is less painful than the fear of what staying on adderall will do to you, then you've come to the right place. You certainly sound like you're living a pretty unhappy life right now - you don't experience joy, or fun, or have time for your family like you used to. Adderall has turned on you, like it does for most of us here.

Not sure if you saw this, but you sound like your addiction is a little more advanced than you'd like. Maybe stage 4 or 5? Have you had any other side effects?

Maybe you want to think about the advantages and disadvantages of quitting now, or staying on adderall, and share with us what you come up with? It might help you turn your cry for help in to a plan to quit!

[Leila]

Thank you for all your replies. I'm Stage 4... although at times it feels like Stage 3 or 5. Is that possible? Even now, I'm trying to rationalize taking Adderall. I'm telling myself if I got better sleep & ate better than that'd solve a lot of my problems. I know that just sounds like the addict talking, but I really feel a million times better on days I get good sleep the night before.

So the first day of tapering today went horribly. My husband put out 30mg like I asked. I took it all in the first half of the day. I normally space it out more but I felt out of control without having the bottle in my hands. Then I told him I needed 10mg more because yesterday I had about 42mg and it's not healthy to just do down 10mg a day. He refused. I got mad. Then I got SOOO angry. I hated him having control over it and not giving it to me. I went upstairs and tried to busy myself with cleaning (today is supposed to be our day to clean/set up our new house), but I kept going back to him & asking for more. Finally I said just give it back to me! He still refused and I felt SO angry. I told him he shouldn't be the one in charge cuz it's bad for our relationship. He tried to be patient but I kept pushing and finally he gave up and tossed the bottle at me. On the floor. I felt like a worthless druggie.

At first I didn't even take more. Just being in possesion of them made me feel more calm. But then I took 8mg...who does that? I didn't wanna take a half 20, so I took slightly less than a half...

Anyway, now he's emotionally drained and I'm so humiliated that he witnessed my addiction first hand. Only a big part of my brain is saying I'm not addicted. I just need to up my dose since I've been on it 8 years. Taking 30mg a day is normal. If my new Psychiatrist upped my dose and I got better sleep and ate better... But I know that is wrong. Because I can't just take a certain amount.

It seems cold turkey is the only way to go, but I'm scared of the rebound Anxiety & Depression. Not the part that happens the first month....but the long lasting almost permanent rebound that comes after I've been off it a while. My Dr. said not to stop cold turkey because there's a strong chance of rebound Depression/Anxiety. Does anyone have links to literature on this topic? I'm terrified to go there again.... Last time I stopped cold turkey I felt horrible anxiety BUT I also quit Klonopin and Lexapro at the same time because I left my job. THEN a couple months later I got pregnant and had crippling anxiety/depression/panic attacks... So who can say if the adderall was the main cause of it all, or quitting EVERYTHING plus hormones....

I have to go. I can hear my baby downstairs and my poor husband is exhausted from me. I am so disapointed in myself. I'm so humiliated and confused. I don't know what to do anymore... I made a stupid sign for this week and put it on our mirror. It said 30mg a day and had little inspirational things on it. I took it down now obviously. I'm so pathetic.

[ashley6]

Leila,

First of all you're not pathetic. It's the drug having control over you that is causing you to be that way. You're a self-proclaimed addict, as most of us on here are, and I know I could never do the step down method, because I didn't control the pills. The pills controlled me....ALL of me. I didn't exist anymore outside of adderall.

I understand your concern quitting cold turkey, and doctors do suggest that, but not for addicts. That's like telling an alcoholic to just have one drink a day....they can't because they're powerless, as are we. Maybe this humiliation you're experiencing with your husband was a blessing in disguise, because it showed you just how powerless you are over adderall. No wonder you had a meltdown stopping klonopin, adderall, and Lexapro all at the same time. You're never, ever supposed to go cold turkey off or benzos, as it's dangerous to your health. Quitting adderall most definitely brings on anxiety and depression but there's no physical danger to cold turkey it, so maybe you could just keep in close contact with your doctor and have your husband monitor your mental well-being if you decide to quit adderall. Your story of begging him for the pills brought me back to my addiction like it was yesterday, and I quit 10 months ago. There's nothing like that desperation for more pills....and it doesn't let up until you feed it....until you quit. I feel your pain. It's terrifying. I was a mess right before I quit. The pain of continuing with adderall was worse than the fear of quitting, and that's when I knew it was time. No part of it was easy or fun, but necessary because my life was falling apart.

I'm not trying to shift this my story, I just want you to know you're not alone. Maybe you've been given the gift of desperation. That's what gave me the nudge I needed to quit. You don't deserve to live in misery. Although it's HARD, life is much better on the other side. I wish you the best....keep posting!!!

[Leila]

Thank you Ashley. It's actually really helpful to hear your story, because you're where I want to be right now.

I had a great day yesterday... I forgot to take my Lexapro, and I took 40mg of addy and felt fine all day. Now my brain is like "See! The Addy is fine, you just need a higher dose and to stop Lexapro cuz they must interact badly." Part of me believes this. Part of me doesnt.

I'm seeing a counselor today and I have NO idea what to say. I just want to be a healthy person with health habits. I feel like if my bad habits weren't affecting my looks then I would still be living in denial. But I look so scary, lol. It makes it hard to meet people and interact normally when I haven't had any real (klonopin free) sleep in months and I'm only awake due to caffeine & adderall.

I'm rambling. My resolve to get off adderall is weakening... I know the end result of what I want, just not how to get there. Maybe I'm in the "bargaining/denial" phase of grief. Cuz I am grieving the loss of the magic pill that would instantly make me feel better... the loss of my old life that doesn't quit fit in with my new dreams...

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

It seems cold turkey is the only way to go, but I'm scared of the rebound Anxiety & Depression. Not the part that happens the first month....but the long lasting almost permanent rebound that comes after I've been off it a while. My Dr. said not to stop cold turkey because there's a strong chance of rebound Depression/Anxiety. Does anyone have links to literature on this topic? I'm terrified to go there again.... Last time I stopped cold turkey I felt horrible anxiety BUT I also quit Klonopin and Lexapro at the same time because I left my job.

Hi Leila,

Thanks for coming and sticking with the forums. If you stay here with us it might help you, because right now you're probably at the tipping point of deciding whether you just want to go back to your old ways and justify or rationalize your "need" for adderall, or whether to push through and actually quit.

You've done a great job listing all the reasons why you hate adderall and hate yourself on adderall. And I won't be shy about it, yes you are not the person you should be while you're on adderall. And you may not recognize it now, but trust me you will later! All those things you mention are things I experienced too, and I remember thinking 'it's not me, it's the circumstances or someone else's fault or I know better' which is what happens to your illogical brain on adderall. I fought with my husband incessantly when I was on adderall. He tried to track my dosage once and I went totally apeshit on him and ended up finding the most convoluted ways of hiding it from him (e.g. got to the extent that I used to empty the bottle in to a bunch of hair extensions that I kept in a hat box, because I knew he probably wouldn't look there etc etc), and oh the number of times I felt like you - desperate, sad, empty, always in a fog and never ever happy but thinking that I couldn't get through if I didn't have another day with another pill. Yes, it is pathetic. Yes, you are a junkie. Your husband must be really lonely right now especially as he is probably so desperate to connect with you, the real you that he fell in love with.

I am a big supporter of cold turkey, but for you given that it sounds like you're already depressed I would recommend you to be really, really careful. I wouldn't want what happened to me to happen to even my worst enemy. It was a living hell. I wonder, if you really want to break free from this disease and learn to live independently off adderall or other substances (as it sounds like you've had a problem with them for a long time) maybe rehab is an option?

Stay with us, let us know what you decide.

But remember another day on adderall is another day further away from yourself. You have to make a decision what to do sometime. Please ask for your husband's advice, and LISTEN to him. And for the sake of his dignity, do apologize for your behavior because he was only trying his best and you crippled him in his efforts. The only reason I feel so passionately about this is because the same thing happened to me, and others here know this but I feel like I really broke him down. I came home one night and he was in tears, saying he didn't know me any more, this was not the life he signed up for, he was so lonely. I remember thinking at the time, "I should be feeling something right now, this is bad" but not managing to muster up any emotions, my tweaked-out brain just couldn't compute what was happening right in front of me.

Let us know what you decide, and for your marriage, do apologize to your husband. He tried really heard to support your efforts to quit and he's probably afraid to do it again.

We're here for you and you can do it! It is going to take a TON of commitment though, and you can only rely on yourself there. Not your husband, or your shrink, or your counsellor. Just my 2 cents.

[Leila]

Hi Leila,

Thanks for coming and sticking with the forums. If you stay here with us it might help you, because right now you're probably at the tipping point of deciding whether you just want to go back to your old ways and justify or rationalize your "need" for adderall, or whether to push through and actually quit.

You've done a great job listing all the reasons why you hate adderall and hate yourself on adderall. And I won't be shy about it, yes you are not the person you should be while you're on adderall. And you may not recognize it now, but trust me you will later! All those things you mention are things I experienced too, and I remember thinking 'it's not me, it's the circumstances or someone else's fault or I know better' which is what happens to your illogical brain on adderall. I fought with my husband incessantly when I was on adderall. He tried to track my dosage once and I went totally apeshit on him and ended up finding the most convoluted ways of hiding it from him (e.g. got to the extent that I used to empty the bottle in to a bunch of hair extensions that I kept in a hat box, because I knew he probably wouldn't look there etc etc), and oh the number of times I felt like you - desperate, sad, empty, always in a fog and never ever happy but thinking that I couldn't get through if I didn't have another day with another pill. Yes, it is pathetic. Yes, you are a junkie. Your husband must be really lonely right now especially as he is probably so desperate to connect with you, the real you that he fell in love with.

I am a big supporter of cold turkey, but for you given that it sounds like you're already depressed I would recommend you to be really, really careful. I wouldn't want what happened to me to happen to even my worst enemy. It was a living hell. I wonder, if you really want to break free from this disease and learn to live independently off adderall or other substances (as it sounds like you've had a problem with them for a long time) maybe rehab is an option?

Stay with us, let us know what you decide.

But remember another day on adderall is another day further away from yourself. You have to make a decision what to do sometime. Please ask for your husband's advice, and LISTEN to him. And for the sake of his dignity, do apologize for your behavior because he was only trying his best and you crippled him in his efforts. The only reason I feel so passionately about this is because the same thing happened to me, and others here know this but I feel like I really broke him down. I came home one night and he was in tears, saying he didn't know me any more, this was not the life he signed up for, he was so lonely. I remember thinking at the time, "I should be feeling something right now, this is bad" but not managing to muster up any emotions, my tweaked-out brain just couldn't compute what was happening right in front of me.

Let us know what you decide, and for your marriage, do apologize to your husband. He tried really heard to support your efforts to quit and he's probably afraid to do it again.

We're here for you and you can do it! It is going to take a TON of commitment though, and you can only rely on yourself there. Not your husband, or your shrink, or your counsellor. Just my 2 cents.

Yeah I did apologize to him. A LOT. To the point where he was like OK baby it's fine.

I do feel like I'm at a tipping point and could go either way... I saw a counselor today. I spent an hour telling her everything I've been through, even though I feel like it's the past & it doesn't bother me (depression/anxiety since child, running away, partying/drug use in highschool & college, sexual assault, PTSD, SI) I still answered honestly and told her everything and that I originally got an Adderall prescription to help me stop coke. She referred me to a couple of Psychiatrists. She said I needed someone who understood addiction but she didn't know if they did.

Then she said "So....do you want to maybe wait on counseling until you get your meds straightened out?...You can make an appt if you want though...."

And I just started crying and said "I just want someone to help me"

And she said "yeah it's tough at the begining"

So, she basically didn't want me to come back for whatever reason. I know it was probably cuz she won't know if she's counseling me through "medicine induced issues" or real ones...but it still sucked. I just want someone to talk to.

I'm worried about rehab or substance abuse counselors (I called a few places and they have long wait lists). I'm scared since I'm a mother they'll have me on record as unfit or something.

I can't be a junkie... what if i'd be fine if I ate healthier and got better sleep? What if I actually need adderall? Whenever I stop I go into deep depression.

[ashley6]

Once my last counselor and I came to the realization that adderall was my problem, she gave me a referral to a counselor who specializes in addiction, because she didn't feel equipped to help me. That's normal, and in my opinion, looking out for your best interest. A counselor who knows their own limitations gets a lot of respect from me, because they aren't out to get your money if they can't help you. Also, they have very strict confidentiality agreements at rehabs and counselors. They can't give information unless you sign off on it, so don't let that fear stop you from getting help. It won't happen. I'm glad you did go see someone and were honest....good for you. Surely that counselor would know psychiatrists or other counselors who specialize in addiction. Hugs. Hang in there!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Once my last counselor and I came to the realization that adderall was my problem, she gave me a referral to a counselor who specializes in addiction, because she didn't feel equipped to help me. That's normal, and in my opinion, looking out for your best interest. A counselor who knows their own limitations gets a lot of respect from me, because they aren't out to get your money if they can't help you. Also, they have very strict confidentiality agreements at rehabs and counselors. They can't give information unless you sign off on it, so don't let that fear stop you from getting help. It won't happen. I'm glad you did go see someone and were honest....good for you. Surely that counselor would know psychiatrists or other counselors who specialize in addiction. Hugs. Hang in there!

Totally agree with Ashley on this one! Think of it like finding a good hairdresser or personal trainer or something - the first one you try may not be for you. Maybe the best approach to finding a good counsellor is to figure out what you want to get out of counseling and then go "shopping". To me, chemistry is really important but so are the methods he/she uses; what his/her client load is currently like (too little = bad; too much can depersonalize it); and most importantly are they qualified and experienced in helping people work through the issues you want to work through with you.

Maybe the first step is to write down in simple phrases the 3 things you want to get out of therapy. I talk often to my therapist about this and sometimes (I'm a hard ass), I tell her how I think we're scoring on those things together!

Interesting that you've been thinking about rehab. Maybe there's an outpatient program you can do? I'd definitely explore it if you can afford to...

[Leila]

Yeah it's good she referred me to someone else. One was an MD who does "Addiction Medicine"? IDK what that is...

I'll do some more calling tomorrow for addiction specialists. There is an outpatient program, the waitlist is till April but I might as well put my name in.

I was thinking of NA, but I still don't think I'm a real addict. I never take so much that I'm out of my head...

I don't know...yesterday I felt so great. Not hyper addy great- just normal person great. I went grocery shopping, cooked dinner, played with my family. And today I feel haggard & worn.

That's the annoying thing about medications & drugs... you never know if your feelings are your own or a symptom of the drug. I really don't' want to see a Psychiatrist and have them just throw different drugs at me.

What if I DO need adderall to be functional? The me before drugs (recreational & prescribed) was still anxious & depressed...what if I stop adderall, klonopin & lexapro and I find out I'm just made this way. To be depressed 80% of the time...?

Did you guys have problems with depression/anxiety before adderall? Were you able to overcome after you stopped addy? I've had depression problems since I was 5 yrs old. I was just made to be kinda lame, lol. What if my natural predisposition to be depressed combined with years of drug abuse and poor diet have made my brain permanently broken somehow?

What if I stop addy and I never feel pasionate or excited about anything? What if I have no motivation to even leave the house? I've been there before I don't wanna go back.