The Things That Block Us

[BeHereNow]

I'm trying to think into all the sources of my work blockage (writers block, etc), not just quitting adderall.

This is not to forget that quitting is a huge part of why I'm having so much trouble getting things accomplished. But the flow of deadlines does not stop just because I'm quitting, so I'm trying to think into the things that motivate me, and also things that block my flow.

Now that I no longer have a little pill to artificially direct the work flow, I need to get a better sense of the REAL topography of my own mind--where my flow will naturally go, and where it's a useless attempt to make a river go uphill.

Last night I had a little epiphany I just feel like sharing.....

I was over at a friend's house for a work party. I asked, "Which pages of this book are we supposed to read for tomorrow?" She said, "I don't know!" and we had a laugh.

(Background--We are phd students in our final semester of coursework; next up its dissertation time.)

So, I opened the book (by a VERY difficult author btw) and I started flipping through. I found a section that sounded interesting to me, and started reading.

I've been struggling with reading these thick texts while quitting, but this time it was FLOWING. Even though this author is crazy dense and tough, I got really interested in this section and kept reading, taking breaks, and got through almost a whole chapter. And I REALLY enjoyed it!

An hour later my friend asked, "did we ever figure out what pages were assigned?" I said, "Nope, and I don't care! I'm reading THIS one right now." And kept reading. (Thing is, it probably WAS assigned! But I didn't want to know.)

And I realized: A huge part of my blockage is, subconsciously, an opposition-defiant impulse. I really, REALLY don't like being told what to do in general, no matter who is telling me or what their intentions. Advice is great but being told what to do is not. But, I'm still finishing coursework, so it involves going to classes and keeping up with what someone else tells me to do.

I realized that part of my blockage is because I'm ready to be mostly self-directed, and I don't enjoy work I'm told to do, partly *because* I've been told to do it. Most work, of course, involves working for someone else and meeting deliverables and taking orders from the boss and stuff. I wonder if that's something adderall helps us with.... being drones who easily do what we're told, without asking questions. I always felt that thats why it shut down my creativity and made me just accept whatever was in front of me.

Now that I am off of the adderall, I have to deal with my REAL sources of motivation and my REAL creative/work blockages, and one of the things that blocks me on a deep level is feeling like I'm being told what to do.

So, maybe with this insight I can figure out how to trick myself into getting things done......

Anyone else have experiences with discovering other substantial reasons for blockage (other than PAWS? Not to downplay that of course because it's HUGE!) The clear, honest insight into the other sources of motivation or lack thereof?

I'm just curious, because there might be a lot of them we aren't fully aware of......

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

And I realized: A huge part of my blockage is, subconsciously, an opposition-defiant impulse.

This is a real epiphany, Occasional1! Is it a new realization for you or one that's been there lurking for a while and you're just mentioning it to us now? Also I like the phraseology of what you call it. I'd just called it "passive rebellion".

I certainly suffer from the same thing, only for me I have over the years become defiant even to my own to do list. Seems that over the last few years, if I wrote it on my to do list, I would subconsciously attempt NOT to do it. I don't know what that's all about, and it has to change. I blame my convict heritage ha ha (defiance and disregard of authority are pretty deeply embedded in my culture), but yeah of course that's a cop-out.

Unfortunately when I was on adderall this didn't really change, especially as the addiction really took hold. At the beginning it was great because I LOVED being organized and subconsciosly knowing I was "cheating" at getting things done made somehow the task, whatever it was, irrelevant to the fact that I was being so bloody productive. But over time, as your thinking degenerates and you hyper-focus on all the wrong things and begin to lose perspective, I started concentrating with all my might on things that were distracting and "fun" (like shopping and packing for my next trip and rewriting emails a billion times over and buying loads of filing storage thingies and rearranging my notebook and writing thank-you notes, but no real MATERIAL work). This hasn't gone away entirely, and I have to get on top of it. Although I'm not wasting time on "false productivity" (and I've stopped spending tons of money on useless crap), I still rebel against my own to do list. The only thing that seems to work for me is when I set my sights REALLY low and tell myself if I can get done 2-3 things today then it's a winner.

Here's where my username comes in to play. USusally I find once I get going, the momentum keeps me going. If I've done the one or two things I promised myself I'd do, sometimes it gives me the tailwind to keep going. I just have to be careful not to "give myself a break" because that usually ends up with me on the couch for the rest of the day.

Thanks for the thought provoking post, Occasional1, it's useful!

[Searchingsoul9]

I have to agree with you on that though. I don't like being told what to do/read either, and i find myself constantly doing the opposite. Maybe you're onto something here. Keep up the flow

xox

[BeHereNow]

This is a real epiphany, Occasional1! Is it a new realization for you or one that's been there lurking for a while and you're just mentioning it to us now? Also I like the phraseology of what you call it. I'd just called it "passive rebellion".

I certainly suffer from the same thing, only for me I have over the years become defiant even to my own to do list. Seems that over the last few years, if I wrote it on my to do list, I would subconsciously attempt NOT to do it. I don't know what that's all about, and it has to change. I blame my convict heritage ha ha (defiance and disregard of authority are pretty deeply embedded in my culture), but yeah of course that's a cop-out.

Unfortunately when I was on adderall this didn't really change, especially as the addiction really took hold. At the beginning it was great because I LOVED being organized and subconsciosly knowing I was "cheating" at getting things done made somehow the task, whatever it was, irrelevant to the fact that I was being so bloody productive. But over time, as your thinking degenerates and you hyper-focus on all the wrong things and begin to lose perspective, I started concentrating with all my might on things that were distracting and "fun" (like shopping and packing for my next trip and rewriting emails a billion times over and buying loads of filing storage thingies and rearranging my notebook and writing thank-you notes, but no real MATERIAL work). This hasn't gone away entirely, and I have to get on top of it. Although I'm not wasting time on "false productivity" (and I've stopped spending tons of money on useless crap), I still rebel against my own to do list. The only thing that seems to work for me is when I set my sights REALLY low and tell myself if I can get done 2-3 things today then it's a winner.

Here's where my username comes in to play. USusally I find once I get going, the momentum keeps me going. If I've done the one or two things I promised myself I'd do, sometimes it gives me the tailwind to keep going. I just have to be careful not to "give myself a break" because that usually ends up with me on the couch for the rest of the day.

Thanks for the thought provoking post, Occasional1, it's useful!

This is a 100% brand new epiphany MFA!! I think its going to change my world! I like the language you used too--"passive rebellion."

I mean I already knew I don't like being told what to do, but I didn't realize it was a such subtle wedge against my productivity.

Hmm. I think I definitely do rebel against my own to-do lists too. I wonder, though-- why do we do that? Is it something in our mental approach to the tasks? Are we setting ourselves up for failure by thinking of it as something crappy we have to do? As something unattainable or impossible? Or just plain boring?

Sometimes, on adderall, I used to accomplish a lot of things I didn't want to, by just not thinking about it--I used to just DO IT. It was better not to think about it. Now, I not only think about it, I build it up into this horrible frog I have to eat and I always think about how badly I don't want to eat it. Wrong mentality!

You're so right about not letting ourselves take breaks-- and about setting realistic expectations.

AND about your username! I think about that one pretty often actually. Life and productivity are all about getting that momentum going and keeping it going!!! xoxo

[quit-once]

Couple thoughts here from me. I will not discard a to do list until everything has been done. And oddly enough, there are always one or two things on that list that seem to never get done. Not always the same things, either. I have even tried to identify those things that won't get scratched off the list when the list gets made, but it doesn't seem to matter. It is interesting to come across an old list from several months ago or last year and still see that those incomplete items are still waiting to get done.

As far as taking breaks, I force myself to keep working until it is time for the next meal, using the meal as a reward for completing one of my smallest acheivable units of a task or getting to a break point I am satisified with.

[Cat]

I just wrote about this in the "Getting Things Done" thread. I totally rebelled against my own to-do lists on adderall. It was ridiculous to even make lists, but it was fun to make the list and then not do anything on it. Whole weeks would go by and I would check off maybe 5-10 things on a list of 50 things.

That habit has all but died now. During the first few weeks of quitting I felt so lost and foggy that the only thing that helped direct my actions was a list, and I didn't have the false sense of energy and motivation to start random projects, so I'd just slog through the list.

These days my accomplishment is inverse. Maybe 5-10 of every 50 things don't get done. But I am diligent about moving those things to the list for next week. After 3-4 weeks of writing the same thing on my list every week I'm like, fuck this, I'll just do it.

[Cat]

But over time, as your thinking degenerates and you hyper-focus on all the wrong things and begin to lose perspective, I started concentrating with all my might on things that were distracting and "fun" (like shopping and packing for my next trip and rewriting emails a billion times over and buying loads of filing storage thingies and rearranging my notebook and writing thank-you notes, but no real MATERIAL work). This hasn't gone away entirely, and I have to get on top of it. Although I'm not wasting time on "false productivity" (and I've stopped spending tons of money on useless crap), I still rebel against my own to do list. The only thing that seems to work for me is when I set my sights REALLY low and tell myself if I can get done 2-3 things today then it's a winner.

This! Totally spent so much time on writing thank you notes, organizing, cleaning, rearranging, creating spreadsheets, and avoided real work.

Also, I hated running errands and would put them off forever. Things like taking the car to the carwash, picking up a birthday present, renewing my driver's license. It made me feel so irresponsible and childish to not want to leave my house or whatever project to take care of the basics, while my friends could spend a couple hours knocking that shit out. Especially when it came to things like birthdays or booking a place for a weekend trip with friends. It always felt like a chore and I never volunteered to be the one to organize things. I feel like that is changing and it makes me happy.