Searchingsoul9 Posted March 1, 2013 Report Share Posted March 1, 2013 Last night had my first post adderall relapse dream. Is it only me or if you guys go to bed tipsy do you have REAL vivid dreams? Whenever i go to bed drunk my dreams are so realistic. It's always a continuation of my night in dream form. Exactly what made this dream that much worse. I remember in it my friend had a ton of adderall. Not my usual orange pills, but the time released capsules. And i told her i didn't want any. Somehow they were put in my drink, the beads. I tried throwing up and tried to get it out of my system. All i could think was how i was sabotaged. How i'd have to start from day one again, and tell you guys i relapsed. It was pretty horrible. Then i woke up and i was smiling because i realized it wasn't real. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillHereSomewhere Posted March 2, 2013 Report Share Posted March 2, 2013 I do! Other than the first few days which slept the majority of, I still dont sleep very well, but its a different kind of insomnia. Rather than a repetitive "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST FALL ASLEEP!", its an odd mixture of hope and anxiety, hard to explain... Anyway, I tend to have dreams that I know pertain to adderall; except I've never actually taken adderall (in the dream or in real life), but i can't get out of tunnel vision. It's always me working on something that i CAN'T stop doing and even in my sub-subconscious I know that all I want to do is sleep. But I can't. It's like I'm half-asleep and anxious that I'm not doing something productive. At least you wake up smiling!!! I tend to overanalyze it until the sun comes up and reminds me that I'm going to be too tired to get out of bed and do the things that I really need to do that day. Just my luck that the good dreams, the ones that I really want to prolong, have only just started when my alarm goes off... But hey, I'll focus on what goes on while im awake for the time being. Guess I'll save ch. 2 for the subconscious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 This is funny. I have had a dream recently too where I had taken adderall in it. I probably wouldn't have even remembered it without your post. I just remember being really disappointed in myself for relapsing. I felt like I had lost myself again. It was a good reminder of what I had to lose from relapsing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 This is funny. I have had a dream recently too where I had taken adderall in it. I probably wouldn't have even remembered it without your post. I just remember being really disappointed in myself for relapsing. I felt like I had lost myself again. It was a good reminder of what I had to lose from relapsing. Sounds like you're staying strong, Rick. That's great! Congrats - how long is it now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Well I have taken it twice since Christmas but that was like a month ago. So besides those two times it has been since Christmas.. Its been important for me to start coming on these forums again... School is starting to get busy and unfortunately I do find myself thinking about adderall... must.... resist......... Thanks for asking How is your job search? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Motivation_Follows_Action-- Is that saying by Santiago just a saying you heard or have you read a book about something like that? I liked your one book you and I'm open to more suggestions lol.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Well I have taken it twice since Christmas but that was like a month ago. So besides those two times it has been since Christmas.. Its been important for me to start coming on these forums again... School is starting to get busy and unfortunately I do find myself thinking about adderall... must.... resist......... Thanks for asking How is your job search? Rick, Were your relapse experiences mostly negative, neutral or positive? Why did you take it again since quitting last year? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 I took it to try and catch up on course work. That is really the pressure that drives me to take it now even. My relapse experiences were for the most part negative. I wasn't happy that I had taken it after so much time off but the day after I had taken it I sort of looked back and realized that just because I had taken it again doesn't mean that I would have to lose all of the progress that I had already accomplished... The work that I had been able to complete in my courses when I had taken it could very realistically been done without adderall... Looking into the future I still look to adderall as a sort of "miracle" study drug... It's hard to ignore what I was able to accomplish last semester with adderall. Despite the desire I have to permanently be off of adderall it has for the last 2 months that I have been mostly sober, still been in the back of my mind. I have not thrown out the pills yet because I am not that strong Honestly I just want to do well in school and I have not been able to completely detach myself from adderall because it was SO beneficial in that regard... I think coming on here is important because I tend to let myself lose focus of the real cost/benefit of taking it... Idk I am constantly weighing the cost/benefits and sometimes it comes up in favor of adderall and I get upset... lol sorry for hijacking your thread searchingsoul 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Searchingsoul9 Posted March 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 This is funny. I have had a dream recently too where I had taken adderall in it. I probably wouldn't have even remembered it without your post. I just remember being really disappointed in myself for relapsing. I felt like I had lost myself again. It was a good reminder of what I had to lose from relapsing. Weird, right? And i had the dream again lastnight! WTF. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 Motivation_Follows_Action-- Is that saying by Santiago just a saying you heard or have you read a book about something like that? I liked your one book you and I'm open to more suggestions lol.. He was thought by some to be the forefather of neuroscience. I haven't read his books but if you're interested in learning more (in an accessible way) about the brain, the books I'd recommend are: "The man who mistook his wife for a hat" Oliver Sacks (more about mental disorders than brains but a great read nevertheless) Anything by V.S. Ramachandran, in fact there is an awesome ted talk by him: And "A user's guide to the brain" (too lazy to look up the link) I think InRecovery also has some good recommendations... have fun! And if you learn/find anything new please tell! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Motivation_Follows_Action Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 I took it to try and catch up on course work. That is really the pressure that drives me to take it now even. My relapse experiences were for the most part negative. I wasn't happy that I had taken it after so much time off but the day after I had taken it I sort of looked back and realized that just because I had taken it again doesn't mean that I would have to lose all of the progress that I had already accomplished... The work that I had been able to complete in my courses when I had taken it could very realistically been done without adderall... Looking into the future I still look to adderall as a sort of "miracle" study drug... It's hard to ignore what I was able to accomplish last semester with adderall. Despite the desire I have to permanently be off of adderall it has for the last 2 months that I have been mostly sober, still been in the back of my mind. I have not thrown out the pills yet because I am not that strong Honestly I just want to do well in school and I have not been able to completely detach myself from adderall because it was SO beneficial in that regard... I think coming on here is important because I tend to let myself lose focus of the real cost/benefit of taking it... Idk I am constantly weighing the cost/benefits and sometimes it comes up in favor of adderall and I get upset... lol sorry for hijacking your thread searchingsoul Sorry I know this is becoming a messy thread, but Mike: 1) Proud of you for admitting you relapsed and about your love/hate relationship with adderall 2) Sounds like although you relapsed and you know you probably could have done the work without it that you would do it again 3) Therefore, doesn't really sound like you're ready to quit altogether. Do you admit you have had a problem with adderall before in the past? If yes, then complete abstinence is going to be the only way to go. If you haven't had a problem, then maybe you're one of the rare few who can take one occasionally and they're ok with it. But those people don't tend to come to sites like this.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 He was thought by some to be the forefather of neuroscience. I haven't read his books but if you're interested in learning more (in an accessible way) about the brain, the books I'd recommend are: "The man who mistook his wife for a hat" Oliver Sacks (more about mental disorders than brains but a great read nevertheless) Anything by V.S. Ramachandran, in fact there is an awesome ted talk by him: http://www.ted.com/t...vilization.html And "A user's guide to the brain" (too lazy to look up the link) I think InRecovery also has some good recommendations... have fun! And if you learn/find anything new please tell! I have that book by Oliver Sacks! And I have never read it or even cracked the cover! I bought it because I read a review that it has a chapter or two about the condition I suffer from, which is face blindness. I bought it while I was still taking adderall and I kinda forgot that I even had it till now. Now that I can concentrate long enough to actually read and remember a book, cover to cover, I am going to dig it out of the bookcase and read it. Thanks, MFA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 I took it to try and catch up on course work. That is really the pressure that drives me to take it now even. My relapse experiences were for the most part negative. I wasn't happy that I had taken it after so much time off but the day after I had taken it I sort of looked back and realized that just because I had taken it again doesn't mean that I would have to lose all of the progress that I had already accomplished... The work that I had been able to complete in my courses when I had taken it could very realistically been done without adderall... Looking into the future I still look to adderall as a sort of "miracle" study drug... It's hard to ignore what I was able to accomplish last semester with adderall. Despite the desire I have to permanently be off of adderall it has for the last 2 months that I have been mostly sober, still been in the back of my mind. I have not thrown out the pills yet because I am not that strong Honestly I just want to do well in school and I have not been able to completely detach myself from adderall because it was SO beneficial in that regard... I think coming on here is important because I tend to let myself lose focus of the real cost/benefit of taking it... Idk I am constantly weighing the cost/benefits and sometimes it comes up in favor of adderall and I get upset... lol sorry for hijacking your thread searchingsoul Rick, Thanks for your honesty about your relapse experiences. I think that if you keep hanging around here you will come to realize that adderall is a bullshit drug. But it is a hard thing to let go of. Please keep working on that list of pros and cons about adderall for your own situation. I hope you can determine that the bad always outweighs the good when it comes to taking adderall, without hitting a rock bottom that is hard to recover from. Look at the long term perspective rather than the short-term fix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick Posted March 3, 2013 Report Share Posted March 3, 2013 I might be able to take adderall occasionally and be OK with it but I'm not so sure. It's hard for me to only take a drug occasionally. I tend to be an all or nothing sort of person. I don't want to take adderall because it isn't who I really am. Adderall has great aspects to it but I remember how it left me feeling... Basically like I didn't have a soul. I always took my prescribed dose of adderall so I wasn't abusing it. But yes, I did have a problem with how I felt on adderall. I do not plan on taking it again. I can't. Speed freaks are bad... I say no to speed freaking... I just have an attachment complex that hasn't gone away. I need to get over this semester and know that my performance off of adderall is just as good as my performance on adderall. If I could just believe that............ Thanks for the responses guys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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