StillHereSomewhere

I was getting them terribly even after I stopped. The hand shaking I can deal with but the but the head and lips has been really embarrassing Anyway, Parkinsons is attributed to degeneration of the nigrostriatal neurons in one of the main (mesostriatal) dopaminergic pathways of the brain. Amphetamines are dopaminergic agonists, meaning they facilitate the usage of dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is synthesized from the precursor l-tyrosine, a very permeable amino acid. All science mumbo-jumbo aside, you can buy l-tyrosine for cheaper than most multivitamins at a ton of places (health stores, grocery stores, GNC). I just bought it like two days ago along with some super-duper multivitamins and its helped a ton. I've had more energy, been less moody, and the shakes have gone away for the most part.

I do! Other than the first few days which slept the majority of, I still dont sleep very well, but its a different kind of insomnia. Rather than a repetitive "WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST FALL ASLEEP!", its an odd mixture of hope and anxiety, hard to explain... Anyway, I tend to have dreams that I know pertain to adderall; except I've never actually taken adderall (in the dream or in real life), but i can't get out of tunnel vision. It's always me working on something that i CAN'T stop doing and even in my sub-subconscious I know that all I want to do is sleep. But I can't. It's like I'm half-asleep and anxious that I'm not doing something productive. At least you wake up smiling!!! I tend to overanalyze it until the sun comes up and reminds me that I'm going to be too tired to get out of bed and do the things that I really need to do that day. Just my luck that the good dreams, the ones that I really want to prolong, have only just started when my alarm goes off... But hey, I'll focus on what goes on while im awake for the time being. Guess I'll save ch. 2 for the subconscious.

I know this is kind of random. I guess the real point is that its amazing how much more interesting the little things seem. Music is beautiful on it's own, without the push of stimulants. Architecture suddenly resonates as pretty (or not). Random things make you smile. All the wonder of life doesn't really go away after childhood, you just have to have an eye for it. And adderall pretty much stomps that creative eye to a pulp. I may be tired, unmotivated, sad, and lonely, but at least I give a shit. Certainly haven't for a while...

Hi all, I quit about a week ago today and despite the overwhelmingly lethargic (not to mention hungry) person I've become, I thought I'd make some attempt to get back in touch with myself. I decided to get out of turn off netflix, get out of bed, and try and get back in touch with myself. So I showered and went on an aimless walk with a notebook, an ipod, and no destination. I haven't written for fun in god knows how long so I walked to a nice spot (I live in Colorado, so they're in abundance) and just started to write. I cant tell you how therapeutic it was, more blissful if you will... At first nothing came, so i just sat and looked around attempting something resembling mindful thinking...and finally just started to write. I dont really know who else would appreciate it; my friends would probably laugh and my parents wouldn't get it, but if anyone else has experienced anything like this, well...good. So I'm just gonna go ahead and post it here, i guess thats the beauty of the internet. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It’s amazing how much we neglect when we forget to open our eyes. Completely enveloped by prospects of the future we miss all the little things. The things that matter. After all, what is the future besides a product of now…right now. It’s never been there, nor will it ever be here, there will always be now. It seems like we’re always in a rush, looking for shortcuts; anything to bypass the pain that is “right nowâ€. Yet what are we rushing towards besides the thing that we fear the most? But that’s not why we do it, not with that in mind. We’re looking for something. Some sign from life that says “I see youâ€, some reciprocate we feel undoubtedly due to us. It’s so easy to get lost searching with our blinders strapped tight. After all, we know what were chasing, so why pause for even a second? It’s become an unfathomable concept, even an anomaly for most of us, to just pause. However, think for a second that maybe that’s just it; the answer could be to just fucking stop for a second! To employ a cliché, “soak it inâ€. Its not an easy task, and some are better than others. I, for one, am terrible. I’ve always assumed there might be some value in it, but not for me… So today, I walked; and that’s just it, I walked, but I wasn’t chasing. There was no checklist to mark, no destination at which to arrive. Just to take in the things that guide the path. See the buildings that envelope the roads that lead from A to B, the mountains that surround the cities, and the clouded skies which seem to laugh at our chaos in impeccable serenity. And the most amazing thing happened. In a blanket of warmth, a moment of pseudo-ecstasy, I found what I was looking for. And to think, it wasn’t even hiding. It never was. We’re racing against the constructs of time, but that’s just what they are…constructs. But these things that we yearn for, not to own or possess, but the real things we desire are timeless. Somewhere along the line we’ve learned to push them aside, racing towards mere representations. Only when we take just one second to realize we’re simply passing them by, it shocks us to find that the only thing we’re racing towards is death.

Sorry, I feel kinda weird posting shit online in a forum to people i dont know. I don't even have a facebook, but what the hell. I just kicked adderall a little under a week ago and since then, my girlfriend dumped me (so goes it...), I failed an Organic Chemistry exam (how the fuck did I end up in O-Chem, I wanted to go to film school!), and got my wisdom teeth removed (which nothing to do with adderall, just kinda sucks). I woke up at about 4 this morning from the same kind of stupid, mundane, nightmares I've been having that are generally synonymous with the same stupid, mundane shit I get super anxious about in the daytime. It's now 8 a.m., my house is a mess, and I should be getting up to go to school. However I'm not here to burden you with my self-loathing and seek pity. Actually, quite the opposite. I stumbled upon the forum after I decided I couldn't sleep anymore and found this post and it cracked me up. Beyond the fact that it's spot-on in every aspect, it's witty and funny, mildly neurotic (and I mean that in all kindness!) and humorously self-deprecating in a way that someone who really knows themselves could be (whether you believe it or not). Like i said earlier, i feel a little creepy outwardly praising someone over the internet, so you'll have to excuse all the parentheses explaining myself. Anyway, I was gearing up for a shitty day and I think I can scratch that. I cant tell you how fucking nice it is to hear some of this stuff, or really all of it, but some in particular. I MISS READING!! I picked up a book (David Sedaris, who always makes me laugh) and actually read it for more than 5 minutes! In a dirty house!! I also really needed to kick the drinking. I became the person who could study til 3 am and put back a bottle of whiskey in the meantime. I'm only 20. To be honest, I kinda miss smoking weed. I know this isn't a "hey, lets reminisce on the good ol' pothead days" forum, but I think its kind of relevant. I moved out to Colorado and the majority of my friends have "medical issues". Even before I started taking this crap, which really did get my life on track (to where I have no clue, but at least not working minimum wage), I kind of cut back on smoking. After I started, I could barely smoke at all w/o going into what my buddies liked to call "robot mode." I fucking hate robot mode. I can't tell you how much i miss being goofy and making people laugh, let alone generally talking to people without being at least half drunk. My friends are surprised if i even pick up my phone anymore. I stopped playing instruments or writing for fun and really doing anything creative. I somehow became a biochem major... Also, I'm pretty sure my girlfriend got sick of the fact that I'd rather do homework til the odd hours of the morning than have sex. Being the MOST emotionally detached person on the planet probably didn't help my case either. Just a hunch. Anyway, its been really nice to read something like this, hope all is going well. Im running on about three hours of sleep and a stomach full of lasagna (my big and more importantly ONLY accomplishment yesterday), but I actually feel kinda good. It's nice to know that other people are actually dealing with this. I've dealt with the "addiction recovery" setting, which was really more a byproduct of pissed off parents back in high school, but it seemed different to discuss a more common "addiction". Given my persona, or at least what i thought was my persona, and being a guy (which shouldn't make a difference), it seemed like the right move was to keep it to myself. I was just gonna write a sentence or two, but this has been kind of a relief. So thanks. Seriously. P.S. Has the head twitching gone away at all? I literally have to sit in class with my hand under my chin, looking like the Auguste Rodin sculpture ("the thinker"), except the only thing I'm thinking about is how fucking stupid i look twitching out like a crackhead. I also smoke like a chimney and freak out if I dont have a pack of gum. Some of the muscle twitching has gone away since i kicked it, and the residuals could be because of the 5 billion energy drinks I've been consuming just to get up and go to school. P.S.S. The dentist blows!! (not really discouraging it, just a side fact)