Hope, please? New poster :/

[SobrietyUnderrated]

I've been a frequent visitor of this website, off and on throught out the year. It's part of my cycle. That oh so exclusive cycle of amphetamine abuse that just leaves you breathless at every drop. I always find myself back on here towards the end of a binge, always wanting to post a few stories of my own - but I would always change my mind because I know if I start posting it would mean admitting I'm an Adderall junkie.

I'm no junkie. It's managed.

The next script will be used just as prescribed, I promise.

And sure enough, here I am, and time I've decided to post on here.

This time I blew it. After 4 years of Adderall abuse, I promised myself no Adderall at all this year. January 6th, got a prescription filled for 3 months worth of Adderall 15 mg twice / a day. That's 180 pills in a bottle at one time. Of course, used that all before the month even ended. I thought that maybe this was my time to learn, but no, on February 11th, I go see my psychiatrist to tell him 15 mg was overwhelms and if I could bring it down to 10. He writes me up a new prescription. 10 mg / twice a day. Another 3 month supply.

And now, there are four left.

For the first time, it just really hit me.

I am dancing with the Devil.

Destroying everything.

I can't do this anymore. I wish I knew a solution but I can't even think clearly enough. When

Was the last time I thought clearly? When was the last time I was sober?

It's hard for me to ask but I need anything... support and messages of hope.

Please tell me that there is hope beyond this cycle. Please tell me that I can change my life and that things will get better in the future, as long as sobriety is my priority.

Right now, it's just all dark.

[Heather67]

O.k....I'm going to tell you all that you have asked to hear,and probably a little more. First...you are not managing shit,obviously. You can use the term junky if you want or don't want to....but you are an abuser of adderall...and using as prescribed is never gonna be a part of your life...no matter how much the addict tries to convince u that you can. You have to suffer through the start of of your quit and get to a life free of adderall. No more scripts...no.more lies...no more tapering off. Admit your adderall use is unmanageable ,accept defeat ,ask for help...and get to the other side. People on here have been where you are and will help you every step of the way...but you have to do the work and legit STAY OFF THE SHIT. Have you committed to that at this point???

[SobrietyUnderrated]

Thanks for the message . I know now when people say that you will never quit unless its something you really want to do...

I'm not so much afraid of quitting, it's relapsing after 3 months sober that seems to trip me up.

[Searchingsoul9]

Hey there. I am glad you decided to post. First step

We are all living, breathing proof that there is life/hope beyond adderall.

When i first quit i wrote a list of the negatives and the positives of being on it. I only had about 3 positives...and like 25 negatives.

It helps to write it down and see.

I am not going to say quitting is easy, but it is not as difficult as you may imagine.

The hardest part is deciding to end your supply and to quit. After the first week you will begin to see positive changes in yourself.

The darkness will fade. It wont be a perfect journey, because nothing is perfect. Although, we have grown so accustom to being and living a 'perfect' life in adderall land. But, you realize now that it is not so perfect.

I know that hopeless, empty, painful feeling you have inside your chest, where your heart and soul is. Where it feels so empty that you can't even imagine what happiness is anymore.

That is not permanent. Once you quit that emptiness will begin to fill up with hope, dreams, love, emotion (good and bad), desires, opinions, thoughts. You will begin to get your life and most importantly, yourself back.

All i can tell you is don't lose your hope. In the beginning i always relapsed because i went a few days without it and thoughts "well my life sucks off of adderall and it sucks on adderall, so why quit?"

You need to give it time. Time really heals.

As they say, 'Rome wasn't built in a day'

Keep posting and stay strong

xo

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

So you have gone through 4,500 mg in less than a month? That must mean you're averaging over 100mg a day? Are you sleeping? Eating? Are you paranoid and delusional? How long have you been abusing your prescriptions?

Sorry for all the questions.... I believe you can get through this (we all are trying to!) but it takes nothing but commitment, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. YOU have to commit to this like your life depends on it. It probably does.

[SobrietyUnderrated]

Thanks for your inspiration SearchingSoul, last night seemed so dark but today is a new day, and I know the upcoming days are going to be extremely difficult but I've done it before, this time I just have to stay committed.....

[SobrietyUnderrated]

MotivationFollows, I'm definitely averaging about 100 mgs per day give or take. I am severely lacking sleep. Need to eat. And every thought is fueled with paranoia...

I first got my script back in 2008 when I was in college, my abuse started in 2009 which led to an emotional breakdown were I had to take time off from school. I intended for the break to last only one semester, but it never crossed my mind that relapses would turn that semester into there years.

I guess I've just done this for so long I've kind of accepted paranoid, erratic thoughts as the norm. But that shouldn't be the case.

When I collect my thoughts iI'd like to eventually post about my journey but everything just seems so scattered at the moment I don't know where to begin.

You guys are amazing and thank you for making me feel less alone and less crazy. Adderall is just hard to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You're not crazy but the drug is definitely going to make you that way if it hasn't already. Take a look at the "8 stages of amphetamine abuse" in the Announcements tab, if you haven't already.

Actually the reason I asked all those questions in my post is because I could tell from your writing that you are finding it difficult to keep a train of thought in your head and turn it in to a cohesive sentence, then paragraph, not to mention whole story. This too is a symptom of adderall - I found towards the end I couldn't even finish a thought properly before the next one intervened. I couldn't stand being in my own head. And I thought this was normal, something I would have to get used to.

I'm here to tell you it is absolutely not normal, and it is not acceptable, and it can be fixed, very simply! You just have to stop taking adderall. I'm not going to tell you it's not hard, but the peace that comes with having control over your mind, mood and actions is well worth the temporary pain and exhaustion you'll feel for the next few weeks.

I hope you realize that it's obvious to me (a complete stranger) that something is messing with your ability to articulate yourself. And if I'm recognizing it, then I'm pretty sure everyone else is too. Time to quit, my friend.

[ashley6]

Sobriety underrated,

I agree with everything said above by these awesome people. Reading your post took me right back to that adderall hell. I could sense that desperation I had awhile back, and it's no way to live. Giving up adderall is no cake walk, but it's the best decision you can make once abuse has taken over your life, and really the only decision that will let you truly live again. I hope you choose a different path now. I understand your fear of relapse, but you can never know until you give sobriety number one priority in your life above ANYTHING else. I choose to focus my sobriety a day at a time, and that's worked for me this far. Once you see life on the other side of addiction, you'll see that going back to it will ruin all aspects of your life. You need a clear head, adderall-free for that to happen, because the drug has your brain hijacked right now. Stay close to this site and post as much as you need to. We will be here for you.