Pretty low

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I can't tell whether it's an extended PAWS episode or I'm just really low on momentum but the last 5 days for me have been kinda tough. Have found it really super hard to get out of bed, am taking long naps in the middle of the day, hell I haven't left the house really (except for diet coke) in nearly 3 days. I haven't even showered for 2 days.

I'm not depressed, really. I'm just super low on energy and really apathetic. I am supposed to be working out or at least getting some form of physical exercise every day and trying to make myself eat healthier but yesterday I ate PB&J all day and same again today - it's the only thing I have in the house.

Is this normal? I'm nearly 6 months in to quitting and honestly, haven't felt this low for a long, long time.

[ashley6]

I had these episodes for sure and still do, just not as much. When I feel this way, I want to do absolutely nothing, and often times I won't. I realized how much this feeds into the cycle of feeling blah. A little sunlight or just getting out of the house for even a half an hour, is helpful, even if it's the last thing in the world you want to do. Not to get too personal, but does it happen to be that time of the month? I've noticed I get this way every month at the same time from the dreaded PMS like clockwork, then 3 days later I'm back to my normal self. This too shall pass!

[lea]

This is the way I feel almost every day and it's really frustrating. Everyday it's a struggle to do the most basic things and if I don't need to be at the office I don't go and don't shower. It's been 9 weeks (clean) and I'm in a slump so I definitely know how you feel. Huge project due in 2 weeks which of course I'm procrastinating. I will, however, do this without ritalin even if it's done in a b_ass ackwards sort of way.

[quit-once]

Couple thoughts for you, MFA:

1) "Recovery is NOT a linear process." (thanks, cassie) I didn't start feeling sustained improvement until 9-10 months post-quit.

2) If all you have in your pantry is PB&J and (maybe?) some bread, MFA, you are not eating well or healthy. That has to change before you get better. Eating out all the time sucks and you don't know what's in the food. If you cant force yourself to cook and prepare wholesome, nutritious meals, frozen meals are the next best thing. At least they have a label you can read and know what they contain.

3) Ashley has a good point. I had a good friend who would relapse on alcohol whenever it was her time of the month, or sometimes just before it started.

Do you believe in horoscopes or star charts? Might be worth a check to see if something is simply "in the stars". Could you be suffering "jet lag" from the time change?

Take care of yourself and eat well!

[Searchingsoul9]

Sorry you are feeling so low! I watched this documentary on netflix about how sugar is basically the food version of cocaine. Refined, unhealthy, lowers mood.

We all know this, but the past 3 days i have been on a health kick. And i swear i get so much more energy from healthy foods. And i am not starving all the time. I think improving your diet will prove to be very beneficial.

Just load up on whole grains, fruits, veggies, hummus is wonderful, soup, whatever you enjoy eating...so long as it is not over processed and full of sugar and chemicals.

Diet coke being one of them. I know, HORRIBLE. We all know aspartame is a carcinogen, and i have LIVED off of diet coke for my entire life. I gave it up (maybe will indulge once a month) 3 days ago. Sticking to water, tea, and a cup of coffee...feels good.

Supposedly aspartame kills brain cells. You get a quick little buzz,then poof...bye bye brain cells.

Not trying to rain on your parade, just sharing the knowledge.

Also, like others have said...when you feel like doing nothing, it is best to push yourself to do SOMETHING. It's too easy to get stuck in a rut.

Good luck girly<333

[LILTEX41]

I was like this last week. I am sorry to hear you are down. Are you sure there isn't anything bothering you emotionally?

[Greg]

It could be a lot of things, but I think its PAWS. Here's the thing. you don't really have any obligations right now. You don't start work for a little bit. Just allow yourself to rest and revitalize. And dont feel guilty about it. PAWS comes and goes. Whatever it is, itll pass. You have a major priority done with it. Everything else is not a big deal. If you can muster the strength, go ahead, eat healthy, go to the gym, etc etc. If you're not up to it, dont be hard on yourself. Recovering addicts shouldn't feel guilty about letting themselves rest. You got your job lined up, rest and let yourself continue to recover. youll be great!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks, everyone, as always.

No, it's not that time of the month for me. But Ashley you are right - it's the hardest thing just to get up, have a shower and get out of the house even for half an hour. I have stuff to do, I just don't have the energy.

QO - you are always right about food. I honestly don't know what it is going to take for me to change my habits. I have become so dependent on convenient food (not convenience food, I don't eat McDonalds but rather I get delivery from one of the thousands of restaurants around me) that the thought of planning and cooking a meal is exhausting. Not to mention cleaning up... and, by the way, it's not much cheaper to cook for one than it is to get takeout.

Lea - thanks for being honest, and hang in there!

LILTEX - That's insightful, and a good question. Nothing too big going on emotionally. I will have a think about it though.

InRecovery - it's actually really freeing to hear you say that. I've really never been good at doing nothing, but I have become a certified expert at it this last little while, and I do feel guilty about that. Maybe I need to just learn balance instead, and not to judge myself (I can be very good at at that).

My plan today is to go to the post office, go for a walk and that's about it. I have dinner tonight in the City which I'm not looking forward to but I have to go, I've cancelled on this guy twice already.

Thanks again everyone. Really.

[Cassie]

Yes, those PAWS-induced funks are normal. I had them every so often for the first year. I think they're gone now, so they do go away!

As far as cooking for one, the key is to make big portions and have them for leftovers or freeze for later. I lived alone for most of my twenties and cooked all the time. If you want to be healthy you have to make your own food. And if you do it right it will become much cheaper and more convenient than eating out. What kinds of food do you like? I'd be happy to share some easy recipes with you. You mentioned somewhere that you like Indian food. Curries and masalas are seriously the easiest things to make and taste even better the next day:) let me know if you want my recipes.

[ashley6]

Cassie,

I know you weren't talking to me, but I'd love some easy recipes! I do NOT cook, but I need to start if I want to eat healthy.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks guys, I'd really appreciate it. I can cook, but I've forgotten how to be creative in the kitchen. My husband likes grilled everything and eats a lot of meat, which I don't, really, and we have dissimilar tastes; so there's that. But I do love spicy food and there are amazing Indian spice markets here - maybe going there would get me out of the house! Send 'em along!

[BeHereNow]

I have to agree with what everyone has said so far MFA. PAWS, food, plus maybe life/emotional stuff in general.

I am with you though, cooking and cleaning are pretty daunting.

Leaving the house is too sometimes. Showering, working, exercising, etc. It all sounds soo awful and impossible sometimes. The daunting-ness of everything seems to be a part of recovery and it really sucks.

I once read an article once that offered 10 tips for staying on track working out every day. It told a story about a guy who never even thought about working out, or how far he was planning to go, or how big the hill was, or anything related to the workout being intimidating. He didn't set out with a required distance. He would just put on his sneakers and walk out the door, and that was all he needed. But once he started flowing, he would run really long distances. The key was just taking the small step to get started.

So I guess the lesson is that sometimes things seem bigger and more impossible than they actually are once you get the flow going. You know, like your name says, action generates motivation to continue the action. Even a small action can be motivating. Well, you already know all this, but anyway.

It's kind of like InRecovery's online form strategy. If you pretend it's a really easy simple task, and do something small, that can be the blow that tricks you into getting moving.

Maybe little baby steps would help? For example:

-Put on your shoes and just step outside and see what happens. Even if you just sit on your front porch. But maybe you'll go for a walk! (Which you said you are so hooray!)

-Turn the shower on and see what happens. If you don't feel inspired to actually shower, turn it off. (showering, meh....)

-Pick up just a few healthy things from the store (not diet coke though!) You might get inspired to make a simple healthy meal.

-Or, like you were saying, just try one recipe and see how it goes!

etc.

I'm finding that staying really busy-- like, scheduling lots of things during my unstructured time-- is working wonders to fight off the blues. If I'm running around doing stuff, I don't have time to stay home in bed and dwell on things and feel like a failure and all that PAWS. Like you, i don't like doing nothing, so for me, I'm finding that continuing to do nothing only makes it worse. But on the other hand, it's all moderation, especially since you ARE starting a new job soon.

Hope this helps! And hope you feel better!! xoxo

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Well it seems that this entire week has been awash. I didn't go to a single appointment. I've showered twice - the whole week. Yesterday I went to the store to buy things to cook dinner but was so tired by the time I got home I ended up getting takeout anyway. Today I didn't get out of bed until 1pm. I have slept an average of 10 hours every night.

I know I am doing this to myself and I don't know why. I get sore by the end of the day from not moving around much and I know half my clothes don't fit any more but I just cannot get out of my own way. Tasks seem immeasurably hard, but yet I know they're not. WTF is wrong with me?!

I start my new job in 3 weeks. If I don't build up some stamina, the first month is going to hit me HARD. All your suggestions seem so practical and awesome. The thing is I don't seem to be able to implement them. I find myself having cravings for adderall, just so that I can remember what it feels like to have any forward momentum in life at all.

Edit: typo

[ashley6]

MFA,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The more I thought about it, I've realized this can just be recovery. I've had many of these spells, and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with just doing what you have to do, even it it's not shower and sleep a lot. You know how much stress you put on yourself to find a job? Well, you did that. Just look at this as giving yourself a break before you go back to work. I have a feeling you'll get back to feeling more like yourself soon. Hugs!

[Greg]

MFA,

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The more I thought about it, I've realized this can just be recovery. I've had many of these spells, and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with just doing what you have to do, even it it's not shower and sleep a lot. You know how much stress you put on yourself to find a job? Well, you did that. Just look at this as giving yourself a break before you go back to work. I have a feeling you'll get back to feeling more like yourself soon. Hugs!

I agree. It's totally normal to have a break before starting a new job! You are on break. Sleep lots and enjoy every minute of it! I have been on spring break and embarrassed to say how much I've been sleeping. And I've been sleeping well past 1p on some days lol. A few days ago I woke up at 4pm.

DON'T feel guilty about it! And anyway, in three weeks you will have a normal sleep schedule again.

Edit -And all the excitement of starting a new job will have your energy levels up.

[lea]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad and have to echo the above comments. I do think this will pass. It will likely be long gone by the time you start your new job and don't listen to the filthy addict that's telling you you're craving adderall. I'm not trying to undermine the adderall craving, just the voice that's letting them into your head at time when you are feeling low and vulnerable. You've come so far and it's so important to diss-associate work with adderall. Feel better soon sweetie

[BeHereNow]

MFA....! I'm sorry to hear your week was like that! It sounds so demotivating and painful.

Lots of hugs to you!!!

Is there any way you could switch the lens (or change the channel) so that you could view it as peaceful hibernation you need? Rather than as a frustrating or depressing burden?

Is any way you can try to just let yourself relax and rest, and maybe even try to enjoy it?

Take-out sounds nice, so does sleeping and doing nothing.

At this point, you might as well add some chocolate, popcorn, and/or funny movies to the mix. Maybe a hot bath.

Once you're fully in the swing of your job you will be super busy and you won't have time to rest like this.

Sounds like most of us have had somewhat similar experiences so I'm guessing we can safely blame it on the quitting process.

I think that experiencing adderall sets a new subjective standard for what it means to be awake and energized , while simultaneously draining all our adrenals and dopamine and stuff until we are completely fatigued in the long run. Double edged sword.

Even where it's unrelated to adderall, recovering from adrenal fatigue can take up to a year.

It's just the roller coaster. A really long, intense roller coaster. All we can do is ride it out. Like you said, the only way out is through.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

I keep reading this over and over. Thank you so much, guys. Sorry I'm not around much... will be back with a vengeance soon I hope!

[ashley6]

MFA,

I think now is a good time to stay close to this site. When things get tough is when you need support the most...and we need you! Thinking about you today, lady!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

You're all wonderful people and I am so grateful to have found you guys. Balancing "letting myself rest" vs getting some kind of positive forward motivation in my life is the thing. I know I won't take adderall, but I realized I also stopped taking supplements, and I know I've been saying this forever but I really need to get my nutrition in order. I plan to make an appointment to see a nutritionist this week - I really have forgotten how to eat properly.

I took a nice drive with a friend today and we had a good long talk. It was nice to connect with her.

Thanks guys.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Just checking in (sorry for the millions of posts today). So I decided to give in to my laziness and have been a sloth for the last 3 days. But today is the last day. Honestly, I've gotten really good at doing nothing. Like really, really good. Too good.

I have become addicted to watching documentaries! I think I've watched probably 10 in the last 3 days. I guess that means I'm getting intellectually curious again? I hope so...

I got the prework for orientation for my new job this week. Hell I have't done this since studying to get in to business school. Financial statement analysis and equity valuation blah blah. It's going to be tested throughout orientation! Jesus, I'm not 25 any more and I've always had test phobia so this should be interesting! Still, I've got a good attitude about it so long as I can get going in the morning.

Just ranting and checking in. All is good....

[quit-once]

About five months after quitting I really got into the history channel and nat'l geographic and animal planet and pbs shows. Mostly educational or documentary-type entertainment. I have never watched so much TV as I did last winter. this year, not so much at all. In fact, the daily show and a little local news is about all the TV I have beeen watching lately.

I am at my one year anniversary of entering my later stages of recovery. I remember in mid march of last year, I just couldn't believe how much better I was feeling- all of a sudden. I remember getting excited about making plans for the summer and planning how I was going to loose some weight and get things done. So for the last year I have wondered...was it just spring fever or was it entering the next stage of recovery? A year later, I can say it was a little of both. I have always loved the spring and found a new attitude and enthusiasm with the changing seasons, but last year really was different. I am experiencing a lot of those same feelings of moving forward this year, but it is not as intense as it was last year at this time.

The difference from last spring to now is my motivation and ability to get off my ass and get things done is more intense now. Last year at this time I really wanted to do a lot of things, but I was still dragging ass at nine months post- quit. I hadn't figured out that motivation does indeed follow action. I was using the TV and this web site as distractions. Now, I find myself checking in here less and less often because I am just busy getting things done in my life.

So, to recap my rambling post, I started feeling much, much better at 9-10 months post quit, and a year beyond that, I am still growing out of the recovery process. I just wish my memory was better. I am seriously concerned that nine years of adderall abuse has permanantly fucked my otherwise good memory.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks so much, QO. Reading your story is like looking around corners as to how I'd like my own recovery to play out. It helps me accept my lazy ass now a bit better and take the self-blame off a bit. Thank you.